Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU with MIL over grandchildren

156 replies

timelord92 · 04/07/2018 11:02

My MIL minds another grandchild for two days a week and so when we had our child said she would mind our child when I finish my maternity (in sept).

This is going ahead and there is no problems as yet. However, she said the other day that her other son and daughter-in-law, who lives 4 hours away are going away for 2/3 nights in early December and want my MIL to childmind their two children while they are away but for the week. She said they mentioned it ages ago but she forgot all about it. So she was asking what we could arrange so she could go down as she’d already said she’d do it. My DS can’t book December off and I’m not back in work yet to look but fortunately my mum can book that time off to mind her.

She goes down every year too while her son is away for a week with work to mind the children with her daughter-in-law as she can’t dont in her own ( kids are 7 & 8). Her own Mum kinds then in the day and have refused to do any more at any other time. So she has pre-warned us that she will still be doing that as she always has.

AIBU to think there is a little bit of favouritism going on? If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home.

There is other things that I never noticed before having my child that she does. For instance, she’s been up to her son’s house to see the grandkids more frequently than she has been to visit our daughter since she’s been born even though we live a 5 month walk down the road.

Am I being over sensitive now I have a child or is this a bit out of order?

OP posts:

TwinkleToes86 · 04/07/2018 13:02

You’re being ungrateful.

Your MiL is looking after your child weekly and has pre-warned you about the weeks she won’t be able to. She’s being completely reasonable.

What would you do if shock horror...your MiL goes on holiday?

SukiSue69 · 04/07/2018 13:04

"Excuse me?"
I love looking after my Granddaughter while my Daughter works one day a week, the other Nanny has her another day, saving our grown up kids childcare costs whilst enjoying priceless quality Nanny time with her.
I would be absolutely furious if I was thought of, treated like or spoken about in such a selfish spiteful way!
Give me your lovely MIL's number & instead of trying to please you, obviously unsuccessfully, she can meet me down the pub for a much needed treat!!!

longwayoff · 04/07/2018 13:06

U R one CF

LimboLuna · 04/07/2018 13:08

Yes my post comes from a massive place of projection as my children grandparents (both sides) are too busy baby sitting their other grandchildren to even see mine let alone baby sit them.

Your taking the piss, yes its annoying to have to shuffle something about. But you don't have to do it the rest of the time. You wont have to take time off work when your children are sick, if your late home from work its not a big deal. Inset days at school are sorted, last minute days off because of boiler issues your sorted. Your children are being looked after by someone who actually loves them not for money. That alone is worth so much.

It is only fair that the other grandchildren get to spend time with the grandparent, and that, that happens away from your children so its one on one time. It is also only fair that her other children get to take advantage of the baby sitting as you do. Honestly, your getting a much much better deal than they are.

PerfectSunflowers · 04/07/2018 13:11

Your mil does NOT have any responsibilities to look after anyone else's child, yours included.
And for all you know her other DIL is a lot more grateful for the help and is even paying her!

Don't be a spoiled brat and get your child into a Nursery!

Hygge · 04/07/2018 13:19

OP your last update doesn't make you sound any more reasonable I'm afraid.

"It’s not just our child she minds though she has a 3 year old grandchild who she already minds along with an older grandchild who visits on one of those days to see the 3 year old and goes for tea."

She's regularly minding three children, one of them yours. She doesn't have to, but she does it. You're getting the same regular help as two other sets of parents.

"There is more help here from family she isn’t on her own. Her house is sort of like an open house."

She's the one helping, not the one being helped. These are not her children. She's helping you and the rest of the family.

"She will also have her usual holidays in the year and her monthly visits to the SIL house which will not be changed just because we work. Everything is just the same as it was before."

Which is perfectly fine. This is her life and she shouldn't have to make drastic changes to it just to suit people who are already getting a lot of help for her. She deserves her holidays, she can visit whoever she likes. She's still helping you the rest of the time.

"It just seems a lot of upheaval for three families to move around so one of the other families can go away."

It's one or two weeks a year. The other three families get fifty weeks a year in her "open house" and you have your mother helping out when MIL can't. If you're all relying on one woman for your childcare you're going to have to work together as a wider family and accept that you all have different needs she is accommodating as best she can while still having her own life.

Can you not see that she's doing a lot for all of you, as fairly as she can possibly do it?

She hasn't told you she can't care for your child because she's already caring for so many others. She's helping you out a lot, but you're still going to have to fit into her arrangements which are more than reasonable in the circumstances.

Magicpaintbrush · 04/07/2018 13:25

Your poor MIL. She is doing you a favour - she is not your hired help, and she is entitled to a life of her own after working and raising her own kids. It's good that she wants to spend time with her grandchildren, but she is a human being, not a robot you are entitled to free childcare from just because she is family. Be grateful for the help you are already getting from her and cut her some slack - you are taking her for granted. I think the older you get the more tiring it is looking after small children as well.

SnapFart · 04/07/2018 13:27

If there is any favouritsm it is towards you. How selfish. Maybe she sees it as a holiday.
YABVU

Magicpaintbrush · 04/07/2018 13:28

Also I hope that her generosity with her time is reciprocated? Would you be happy to give up as much of your free time to help her as you expect her to give to you? Or is that different......

NKFell · 04/07/2018 13:30

Crikey, surely you know YABVU?!

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2018 13:30

Practise these words op, they're the ones you need next time you see your mil...

'No worries re December. Thank you for letting us know so far in advance. And by the way, thank you so so much for all you do for us, it's really appreciated. We've bought you this voucher for a spa day as a token of appreciation. Hope you enjoy it, you totally deserve it.'

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 13:34

Practise these words op, they're the ones you need next time you see your mil...

Tertiathethird · 04/07/2018 13:39

To be honest I’d be grateful if there’s a little bit of distance between MIL and you / your little family. It’s worse if inlaws are over invested and NEEDY!

butlerswharf · 04/07/2018 13:41

You're being really ungrateful.

Valanice1989 · 04/07/2018 14:04

I really hope this is a reverse.

If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home.

She doesn't have any responsibilities! You are responsible for your own child. She's doing you a favour - you don't seem to appreciate this at all. She's not your servant!

Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 14:33

What is a ”reverse”?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2018 14:37

A reverse is when the op is so blatantly awful, it's as if, in this case, it's the MIL posting, trying to see if anyone can possibly see it from the ops side.

youknowwherethecityis · 04/07/2018 14:41

Is MIL going to be minding the 3 year old and your child on the same days, or will 4 days a week be used up minding children?

I wonder if the mother of the 3 year is also annoyed at having to find alternative childcare for a week because the MIL is shirking her "responsibilities"

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 04/07/2018 14:44

I think you sound like a self entitled cow

Lalliella · 04/07/2018 14:59

OP I reckon if there were league tables on mumsnet for the most unreasonable person ever you would be the outright winner. Congratulations!

Your MIL is doing you a massive favour. Do you even understand what that means? You come across as incredibly ungrateful, entitled, selfish and jealous. I really hope you never let MIL know an inkling of what you posted here. She sounds lovely and you are so lucky to have her. What a shame you don’t realise that.

RedBallpointPens · 04/07/2018 15:01

I don't understand why you think your MIL's life should drastically change just because you had a child. She is already taking on the responsibility of another child to mind on a regular basis, so if she wants to continue to visit her own son and DIL once a month then fair enough!

If you don't like the FREE childcare being offered to you then suck it up and pay for childcare.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/07/2018 15:05

I actually think everyone of them is U even the MIL.

The OP is U for expecting childcare all year round.

The SIL and her dh are U for

a) Going on holiday without their DC
b) not being able to cope day to day with 2 school age children without outside help.

And the MIL is for undermining the SILs parents. They probably stopped helping when they realised they were being used and their DD and son IL would not learn to cope if they were constantly being bailed out.
Then MIL rides to the rescue instead of stepping back and letting them learn

ReservoirDogs · 04/07/2018 15:06

So the one family who has help once a year is the one being unreasonable because it will affect you who will be having help every week! Hmm.

If you donb't want to be disrupted one week a year book your child into nursery all year round!

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 15:09

The SIL and her dh are U for

a) Going on holiday without their DC

Why?

Fevs · 04/07/2018 15:13

Very late to this thread so skim reading some of these comments....
@BlueBug45 why on earth does this predicament mean op should allow her mil to pop in at any time?! Period.
Regardless how close or far away someone lives you are entitled to ask they plan a visit rsther than dropping by whenever, esp if you have babies.

You can be welcoming without having to open your house up 24/7! That’s just overbearing.

Op I can slightly understand your point here but if family help then there definitely needs to be some flexibility involved too.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread