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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with MIL over grandchildren

156 replies

timelord92 · 04/07/2018 11:02

My MIL minds another grandchild for two days a week and so when we had our child said she would mind our child when I finish my maternity (in sept).

This is going ahead and there is no problems as yet. However, she said the other day that her other son and daughter-in-law, who lives 4 hours away are going away for 2/3 nights in early December and want my MIL to childmind their two children while they are away but for the week. She said they mentioned it ages ago but she forgot all about it. So she was asking what we could arrange so she could go down as she’d already said she’d do it. My DS can’t book December off and I’m not back in work yet to look but fortunately my mum can book that time off to mind her.

She goes down every year too while her son is away for a week with work to mind the children with her daughter-in-law as she can’t dont in her own ( kids are 7 & 8). Her own Mum kinds then in the day and have refused to do any more at any other time. So she has pre-warned us that she will still be doing that as she always has.

AIBU to think there is a little bit of favouritism going on? If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home.

There is other things that I never noticed before having my child that she does. For instance, she’s been up to her son’s house to see the grandkids more frequently than she has been to visit our daughter since she’s been born even though we live a 5 month walk down the road.

Am I being over sensitive now I have a child or is this a bit out of order?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/07/2018 12:02

Are you worried that SIL is taking advantage, or just that someone other than you is taking advantage?
Your MIL probably sees your child as work, so it's natural that she sees her other grandchildren more for fun.

IllHaveTheSaladPlease · 04/07/2018 12:05

If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home

MIL is telling you she already has responsibilities elsewhere and your new arrangement doesn't trump the existing one

BlueBug45 · 04/07/2018 12:07

@LisaSimpsonbuff interesting interpretation. Explain how you can be a grandmother if you don't have a first grandchild?

RedSkyLastNight · 04/07/2018 12:09

I don't think you'll find anyone to agree it's selfish that your MIL minds her other grandchildren for a couple of weeks in the year, while she minds yours 2 days a week, day in, day out.

As for visiting her son more - this might be because you can do more with older children than you can with a baby. Regardless, if she starts minding your DC 2 days a week, then she will see far more of them than her son's children.

Racecardriver · 04/07/2018 12:09

YABU and possibly a bit paranoid.

lifechangesforever · 04/07/2018 12:11

Be thankful that you have someone to look after your DC at all and you're not paying out hundreds a month for it.

Never heard something so ridiculous.

Eminado · 04/07/2018 12:12

OP may i please fwd you my nursery fees’ invoice?

It might help you put things in perspective.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 04/07/2018 12:12

Eh? I didn't say anyone could be a grandmother without a first grandchild (?!), I said it was nasty to say the first one 'would always be special' in a way that implied a grandparent would naturally be more fussed about the first one.

Arum51 · 04/07/2018 12:12

The narratives here all sound quite dysfunctional. The SIL "needs" granny to go down, because she's crap, not because granny likes to go down for a pre-Christmas visit to her much-loved grandchildren, which SIL is happy to facilitate. Granny didn't help much with the OP's partner's first family, because the ex wife was an evil bitch, not because granny was in full time work. Now granny herself is in trouble, because she doesn't want to give up her Christmas visit to accommodate the OP.

Shock
chillpizza · 04/07/2018 12:17

At least she’s given you notice. My mil let banging on and on about helping us if I went back to work. We finally ask if she can watch one child 9-3 one day a week. She doesn’t work, big fat no. A year later her life exactly the same sil has a baby and asks. She watches sils child but moans that we haven’t brought a house yet as we cannot afford to save a deposit Grin

longwayoff · 04/07/2018 12:20

If I were your MIL we'd be having words. Entitled? Moi?

MrsMint · 04/07/2018 12:26

I feel sorry for MIL: I think she should tell you all to pay for/arrange your own childcare and go off and enjoy the rest of her retirement!

ichifanny · 04/07/2018 12:32

YABU my parents help is with childcare but they need to go on holiday and have other commitments from time to time , they just book heat they need to and I arrange annual leave at work or my husband does , I’d never presume to have the monopoly on their time .

notfromstepford · 04/07/2018 12:32

Sorry OP YABVU
You're getting 5 months notice and you're getting free childcare.
Maybe you should look in to the cost of paid for childcare like many of us have to use because we don't have the luxury of a family support network.
Might help you get some perspective on how lucky you actually are and you might change your attitude because right now you come across as very entitled. I feel sorry for your MIL.

Fivelittleduckies · 04/07/2018 12:34

I think you should focus on what you ought to be grateful for rather than trying to compare and create rifts.

Think yourself lucky for the childcare you receive and leave your DP to deal with the emotions and resentment he may hold for things that have happened in the past before you were in the picture. This part of it has nothing to do with you...

flumpybear · 04/07/2018 12:39

You need to restructure your priorities here - you work is not her priority! Be grateful for what you do get from her as many other people have to spend loads on childcare - book holidays when she's away and get in with it

MrsClutterworth · 04/07/2018 12:40

@Arthur2shedsJackson
😂😂😂😂😂😂

Original poster
timelord92 · 04/07/2018 12:48

It’s not just our child she minds though she has a 3 year old grandchild who she already minds along with an older grandchild who visits on one of those days to see the 3 year old and goes for tea. There is more help here from family she isn’t on her own. Her house is sort of like an open house.

She will also have her usual holidays in the year and her monthly visits to the SIL house which will not be changed just because we work. Everything is just the same as it was before.

It just seems a lot of upheaval for three families to move around so one of the other families can go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
timelord92 · 04/07/2018 12:50

I haven’t mentioned nothing to anyone so won’t be any rifts or anything I was just asking what other people thought.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 04/07/2018 12:53

Open house that you all take advantage of. You are extremely selfish.
Your poor MIL.

Birdsgottafly · 04/07/2018 12:55

Arum51 I was thinking the same.

OP, your DP seems to have set up a pattern of thinking, which includes the Women in the Family letting others down.

Your MIL is doing her best. I'm of the same mindset, my Grandchildren are a big part of my life. But I would still like some appreciation and realisation that when I decide, my time, is my own.

""If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home. ""

She doesn't. Her children are grown. Did you consult her before you start to try to conceive and she said that she would become a handmaiden for you?

Your MIL might like the break at her other Son's, that's why she minds the children there, it sounds as though it's the only Holiday that she gets. It sounds as though the other DIl could have depression, or similar, in which case it's best to support her at home.

As said, Childminders take holiday, have maternity breaks and get ill. You are always going to need a back-up plan. Your DP has had children for at least 20 years? He knows what it takes to be a working Parent, he shouldn't be solely relying on his Mother (who also could get ill).

Birdsgottafly · 04/07/2018 12:59

X post.

""It just seems a lot of upheaval for three families to move around so one of the other families can go away.""

The only person who matter in that scenario is your MIL. She has "booked" that time off, as a Childminder would. The rest of you should just get on with it and make alternative arrangements.

If any of your Work does not allow Holidays at that time, it's time to look for other jobs, or book emergency Care well in advance.

Bloody hell, you seem to think your MIL is an old retainer or in servitude.

Anon12345ABC · 04/07/2018 13:00

Bloody hell, I'm not usually a MIL defender but YABVU! Doea she ever get time where she isn't running around looking after the children of her entitled offsprings and their partners?

PolkerrisBeach · 04/07/2018 13:01

going away for 2/3 nights in early December

You do know it's only early July? So you have FIVE WHOLE MONTHS to arrange an alternative?

YAB incredibly U.

SilverySurfer · 04/07/2018 13:01

Maybe I am being sensitive then

No, not sensitive at all just massively entitled and unreasonable. The poor MiL is swamped with GC, when does she get her 'me' time?

If you don't like it, pay for childcare. Your choice to have children so your responsibility not hers.