Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with MIL over grandchildren

156 replies

timelord92 · 04/07/2018 11:02

My MIL minds another grandchild for two days a week and so when we had our child said she would mind our child when I finish my maternity (in sept).

This is going ahead and there is no problems as yet. However, she said the other day that her other son and daughter-in-law, who lives 4 hours away are going away for 2/3 nights in early December and want my MIL to childmind their two children while they are away but for the week. She said they mentioned it ages ago but she forgot all about it. So she was asking what we could arrange so she could go down as she’d already said she’d do it. My DS can’t book December off and I’m not back in work yet to look but fortunately my mum can book that time off to mind her.

She goes down every year too while her son is away for a week with work to mind the children with her daughter-in-law as she can’t dont in her own ( kids are 7 & 8). Her own Mum kinds then in the day and have refused to do any more at any other time. So she has pre-warned us that she will still be doing that as she always has.

AIBU to think there is a little bit of favouritism going on? If it was me I’d be telling my son to bring the children down to me as I have responsibilities at home.

There is other things that I never noticed before having my child that she does. For instance, she’s been up to her son’s house to see the grandkids more frequently than she has been to visit our daughter since she’s been born even though we live a 5 month walk down the road.

Am I being over sensitive now I have a child or is this a bit out of order?

OP posts:
QueenB14 · 04/07/2018 11:34

There's always one of these threads about adult children fighting over the grandparents babysitting time and claiming she does more for one lot of gc than the other. Every single time I just want the granny to tell the lot of them to piss off and put their kids in paid childcare. She's saving you a fuck-ton of money. Be grateful and show her its appreciated.

User467 · 04/07/2018 11:34

So an arrangement that has been in place for a number of years now has to change because all of a sudden you have a child that needs minded? And you're feeling out out because she will be away for a week several months from now when she has "responsibilities" at home.

Wow. Just wow

Hygge · 04/07/2018 11:35

She sounds like a woman with a lot of demands on her time, and she's trying to do the best by everybody.

She's already made prior commitments that she will still honour, but she's doing her best for you and your child as well.

Your mum is able to help out where your MIL can't.

I wouldn't complain about any unfairness you think is going on. She doesn't have to babysit any of her grandchildren but it sounds like she's doing her best to make sure everybody benefits as much as possible.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2018 11:36

What a lovely lady your MIL is. How kind of her to do all this.

Nicknacky · 04/07/2018 11:36

I genuinely think you should use paid childcare. If you are complaining about this already then it doesn’t bode well for the future and the risk you take with using family is they can just cancel at short notice.

bluemascara · 04/07/2018 11:37

Yabvu and you know it.
I have a similar set up and use my annual leave to 'cover' childcare when grandparents are busy, sick, on holiday or god forbid minding my nieces and nephews.
Your attitude has actually irritated me.
Take some leave for the days she can't cover. She's giving you plenty of notice.
Then go learn what side your bread is buttered on!!

Hygge · 04/07/2018 11:41

Also, if you average out your two days a week to their two weeks a year, you're probably getting the majority of the help from her.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 04/07/2018 11:42

I feel really sorry for the MIL! Her retirement seems completely devoted to providing childcare (which doesn't seem to be appreciated)

OP for your sake I would just organize your own childcare. You do sound over sensitive and issues surrounding favouritism and responsibilities will eat away at you.

youknowwherethecityis · 04/07/2018 11:43

So you will be getting childcare every single week and begrudge arranging something so that MIL can look after her other grandchildren for one week out of the entire year?

Does MIL know that you're extremely grateful? Because you don't sound like you are.

Ceecee18 · 04/07/2018 11:43

YABU. You cant expect someone to change long standing arrangements because you had a child. I don't use family for childcare as I knew it would clash with times they want to go on holiday or we're busy, I wouldn't dream of dictating how they spend their time and we wouldn't want to use our holiday allowance to cover it so we pay for childcare, it's as simple as that.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 04/07/2018 11:44

Bloody hell my mil watches dn every week yet rarely has ds or dd minimal interest, has all her stuff at their house where as mine get the minimal amount of attention. She was decent enough to watch your child twice a week she’s entitled to go away for a week even if it is to cover childcare. Biscuit

Ceecee18 · 04/07/2018 11:45

Also, she doesn't have responsibilities at home, that's your child not hers. She's helping you out, she is not responsible for your child.

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 11:46

The daughter in law doesn’t like to help out no, her husband does everything even when he’s I’ll. she can be quite nasty to the children and to her husband (from what I’ve heard from other family members). Possibly my MIL likes to help because she doesn’t want the kids to get treated bad if left on their own.

She seems like a lovely caring woman, you should appreciate that

EsmeeMerlin · 04/07/2018 11:46

God poor mil, does she ever get time to herself without adults arguing over her time to do childcare?

You have plenty of notice and she should be able to take time off looking after your child every week to spend time with her other grandchildren.

Don’t be so entitled.

HelenK73 · 04/07/2018 11:48

I don't think you are being over sensitive. It does sound like a bit of favouritism but that's parents for you! They will always favour one child over another, the trick is not actually making it obvious and always treating all children equally. When you become a parent these things become magnified (I've found) as you know you would act differently under the same circumstances. I would just try and focus on what you are getting rather than what you're not getting or what others are getting. (But the SIL who can't look after a 7&8 yo on her own .... Jeez!)

NerrSnerr · 04/07/2018 11:49

I think YANBU. Your MIL should stay within a 2 mile radius of your whereabouts at all times just in case you need extra childcare. Selfish woman only looking after your children 2 days a week for 50 weeks of the year 😯

Juells · 04/07/2018 11:51

😁

MayContainBrain · 04/07/2018 11:52

Trust me to post straight after the second most deluded person on this thread Hmm

OP- you have no rights/entitlement to mention favouritism. Your SIL could (at a push) but you need to get yourself a very large grip.

youknowwherethecityis · 04/07/2018 11:56

How is it favouritism? She is looking after OPs children every single week and doesn't provide that for her other son.

Yes the other son lives quite far away, but if she really had such favourites she could have moved when she retired, or would travel down to provide childcare regularly.

Greysgirl · 04/07/2018 11:58

i would kill for my MIL to have my son most of the year and only have to sort a couple of weeks out myself. Nursery costs are crippling and will prevent me from having another baby as I can't afford two in childcare. I think you are insanely ungrateful and very very unreasonable.

henpeckedinchief · 04/07/2018 11:58

Have I misunderstood or is the case:

Your MIL usually minds your children on a weekly basis

She has informed you that in December (which is 5 months away) she won't be able to mind your kids for a week because she will be helping out with other grandchildren. She may also do this on another week of the year.

And you think you're being treated unfairly because in your mind, looking after your children is now her responsibility and should take priority over anything else?

It sounds like you think anything other than your children getting 100% of the attention 100% of the time is favouritism. Do you see how ridiculous that is?

I've never read anything as absurd, spoilt or entitled in my life! You need a firm grip of yourself asap.

SassitudeandSparkle · 04/07/2018 11:59

So she's going to look after your children every week, yet you think if she does one week away for someone else that's favouritism?

Does she get any time to herself?! OP, YABmassivelyU.

Parkrunner25 · 04/07/2018 12:00

YABU. When someone is proving you with free child care, you thank them. You don't complain when they can't/ won't or don't want to do a day.

It's entirely up to your MIL how she spends her time. If she chooses to give more care to one set of grandchildren than another, that's her right. You are not entitled to anything, let alone "a fair share".

LisaSimpsonsbff · 04/07/2018 12:01

It is up to her how she divides her time between her grandchildren and the oldest one will always be special simply because they were the first.

I completely agree with everyone else that OP is being madly unreasonable, but this is such a nasty attitude - like any grandchildren after the first don't count as much.

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 12:01

It's entirely up to your MIL how she spends her time. If she chooses to give more care to one set of grandchildren than another, that's her right. You are not entitled to anything, let alone "a fair share".

By the sounds of it the Mil probably feels like the other children need her more because their mother isn't very helpful or caring

Swipe left for the next trending thread