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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I need to manage better or am I not unreasonable?

180 replies

HomeDoesTheTrick · 02/07/2018 21:05

He works Monday to Friday, leaves the house at 7ish and doesn't return until 7pm.

I get that he has a long day with a big commute.

But I feel like his own DC should still be of major priority to him above relaxing.

For example, on a weekday, he comes home from work, says hello to us and then gets changed. He won't pick DS up until he's changed. Once changed, he has a quick cuddle and then hands him back/puts him down to go on his phone or watch telly for a bit before he starts dinner (he does cook for me most nights which is nice and is one less thing to worry about).

Once dinner is done, he won't help with DS because he usually says 'I've just eaten'.
He won't help with bath time (if I bath DS at night, I usually just do baths for him in the morning), he doesn't show much interest but might pop his head round if he's upstairs at the time.

If DS is grizzly or upset, it's straight to me.

On a weekend, I can't leave him with DS to do a few jobs unless he's woken properly, because he says it isn't fair to have his eye on him whilst he's half asleep. This is usually after 9am.

If we are all downstairs and I need to put a wash on, wash up or whatever else, it's always "How long are you going to be?" Usually followed by my DH and DS standing in the same room as me, with the excuse of "He wanted to see you"

If I say "You need to have DS whilst I hoover the bedroom", I often hoover and steam clean the bathroom floor too (takes an extra 5 or so minutes). DH will often reply with something like "See, this is what annoys me about you, you say you need to do 1 job which is fine, but then you start doing other jobs"

Which is fair enough, but sometimes it's just easier to do it all at once. I always feel pressured for time Envy

I'm angry sometimes because DH just goes to get his hair cut or goes to the gym twice at weekends at the drop of a hat. He just announced he's going at whatever time and that's that.

I, for example, can't even go to town on my own at weekends. I usually say that's fine, but I want 20/30 minutes on my own to just browse. This is often met with a bit of questioning as to why but I get him to agree easily enough.

It's frustrating all the same though. I could never just say "right, I fancy a trip to town. I'll see you two later on today".

It's always a question of "how long will you be" and "why can't we come" etc etc

DH's reasoning is that DS needs me for soothing because I calm him down. I say well you need to break that cycle and be someone DS can be calmed down by if he is upset, or whatever else.

He says it doesn't work like that because I'm his mum and he spends all of his time with me so naturally needs me.

He doesn't like dressing him, if I come out of the bathroom with DS and ask that DH does it, he says he's not good at it and I should do it. Last time he tried to do anything but a vest, he said "right, I've put his nappy on but I can't do the rest. It's too fiddly. You need to do it".

I just feel burnt out sometimes.

I love cleaning, I love doing the odd job on my own. But I can't even do that without him hovering over me sometimes which "when will you be done" and "how long are you going to be, I just want to relax, I've been at work all week".

DS is a very good baby so I can't compare the stress of domestic lifestyle to DH's job and travels, but it's still hard when you don't get much of a moment to yourself without being questioned.

DS's room is all in a shambles because we are decorating, and the other week DH kept saying "you don't have any housework to do so can you get it done this week please".

Little does he know DS is a very mobile 7 month old, needs constant watching because he's always getting himself into mischief and whatever else. I can't sort through anything with DS there.

I have bleeding down there from not being sewn up properly and it's very painful and, sorry for graphics, bloody when I try and use the loo. Surgery booked in for soonish. I can't go to the toilet without "are you almost done?"

AIBU? I know he does work hard but I feel like that doesn't come into it when it's your own children.

I'm hoping to go back to work soon part time but I'm waiting for a position nearer to home as I can't return to my old position, it's too far away.

I use to put my foot down when DS was a bit younger but it'd leave DH in the foulest of moods and I wasn't happy leaving a baby with him in case the baby could sense he wasn't wanted at that time.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 02/07/2018 21:09

He’s fucking useless.
Deliberately so I’d say.
What is the point in him?
Have you say him down and discussed it?

Fishface77 · 02/07/2018 21:09

*sat

CluedoAddict · 02/07/2018 21:14

You need to sit him down and tell him to bloody grow up and be a parent.

chocolatestrawberries · 02/07/2018 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HomeDoesTheTrick · 02/07/2018 21:14

Fishface I have, and he doesn't try and to deceive me into saying he will help more.

He just says DS settles best with me and it's stressful keeping on top of DS because of how active he is whilst do accident prone (climbs and stands, shortly followed by falling quite often).

He also says I do the lions share of the work because I'm his mum and that's how it is, DS spends most of his time with me so naturally wants his main care giver the most.

I've tried saying I want more help but it falls on death ears really.

Or he will help a bit more for a day but then it slips back to normal very quickly.

It's very frustrating, I feel like a single mum sometimes in the respect that I don't really get much breathing space.

He has him whilst I pamper myself in the bathroom for 30/45 mins each morning at weekends but he does grumble that I take ages, unnecessarily.

OP posts:
KateGrey · 02/07/2018 21:16

Carve out time for yourself. Even though you’ll probably feel awful because you are making him you need to get him to up his parenting game. He’s not a single man or man without child now.

Quartz2208 · 02/07/2018 21:17

God just reading that makes me want to punch him

no you are definitely not at fault how do you cope with him

HomeDoesTheTrick · 02/07/2018 21:18

Kate I think I've tried that. He quickly refused to do it any longer and placed DS next to me, saying he wasn't doing it for any longer and walked off

OP posts:
limon · 02/07/2018 21:18

You both sound burnt out.

With his commute having him out for 1w hours a day then Yes, he needs sone relaxation time, but then so do you.

If you're a sham you can do cleaning and housework during weekdays.

What's stopping you saying "I'm going out for a couple of hours" at a weekend, just as your husband does?

missymayhemsmum · 02/07/2018 21:18

Yanbu, your son is at the stage where he has to be watched 24/7. I think you should show your post to your DH. In the week I get that he works hard, but at weekends it should be 50/50. Stop answering him in a way that gives him permission to ask 'how long are you going to be?'. Answer- as long as I like. as long as it takes. to infinity and beyond. a week or two, or something else that points out what an arse he is being. If you justify and apologise and take the baby back you are just reinforcing his unacceptable behaviour. Oh and the answer to 'i can't do it, you'll have to' is 'of course you can. I have faith in you, you're a good Dad, you'll get there with practice!' Change the rules of your relationship, and reinforce that you trust him to look after his son and believe that he wants to want to do so.

Shenanagins · 02/07/2018 21:21

He needs to step up and be part of his child’s life. Who will care for them when you get your op?

HomeDoesTheTrick · 02/07/2018 21:25

Oh and the answer to 'i can't do it, you'll have to' is 'of course you can. I have faith in you, you're a good Dad, you'll get there with practice!'

I did try. DS just gets plonked next to me if he's finding it too much, or DS will get really upset and DH will be short of patience, escalating the issue further and upsetting DS further, so I do step in because I don't want to hear my baby so upset

OP posts:
juneavrile · 02/07/2018 21:29

I agree with pp's that he should man up about fatherhood, but... Is it possible that he is frightened? I might try this tack - ask him if it would help him to talk to some of your more experienced Dad friends about building his confidence. If he's competitive, that might motivate him to do a bit better.

He is working long hours and he makes dinner for you when he gets home. Any chance you could put baby down to sleep by 7pm having bathed him and gotten that out of the way? That way you could sit and talk / go relax while husband is cooking.

You are both tired. Could you afford some daytime help? Someone to do some cleaning and entertain the baby while you have a break? This could be a win/win.

HomeDoesTheTrick · 02/07/2018 21:33

You are both tired

Neither of us are tired. We both get at least 8 hours a night!

I'm just mentally drained sometimes because of little time to myself

He doesn't seem afraid. He just wants to put his feet up, watch telly and be on the phone.

That's what annoys me.

I would be the first to give my support by the bucket load.

I always give little encouragements such as "he loves you so much" and "you're doing so well"

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 02/07/2018 21:33

He sounds like a nasty pig. This isn’t a relationship, and it isn’t parenthood. Can’t think of a more eloquent way to put it unfortunately.

limon · 02/07/2018 21:36

I did try. DS just gets plonked next to me if he's finding it too much, or DS will get really upset and DH will be short of patience, escalating the issue further and upsetting DS further, so I do step in because I don't want to hear my baby so upset

You need to go out then. Remove yourself so that he can't default to you all the time.

TheProvincialLady · 02/07/2018 21:37

Your husband is a selfish controlling arse who doesn’t seem to want the bother and responsibility of being a father. I’m terribly sorry but I doubt he will change much.

Barbie222 · 02/07/2018 21:39

I could have written your post. I agree with the advice on not enabling laziness, but in the other hand everyone has ages that they just find really hard and he might just be struggling at the moment whereas in a years time he'll find childcare much easier. If you constantly make him feel like he should just be able to manage when he really doesn't have a clue what to do then it'll drive a wedge between you. If he's expecting you to decorate with a toddler, that shows that he hasnt yet got the idea that you have to entertain young children and won't have the headspace for your own stuff for a while. He might need to hear about how selfish he's being from someone else before he really takes it in.

I found it much easier to cope with it all when I was able to go back to work and physically couldn't do things like housework and decorating in the day so he finally had to respect that!!

lifeisabeachsometimes · 02/07/2018 21:46

Op the only to solve this is to go out every single weekend on your own and leave ds with dh for a minimum of 2 hours. Go and have a massage, a manicure or shop. Whatever you feel like doing. Turn your phone off and every weekend make time for you.
Once a week mid week a swim or a dance class or just a glass of wine with friends.
Don’t ask, tell him this changes right now. He will carry on being helpless if you are continue to enable it.
A stronger position is needed, tell him unless he can manage on his own as a fully grown adult you will need to consider your future, as you can not allow yourself to burn out,

For your sons sake you need a proper break at least once a week

hellosummer12 · 02/07/2018 21:46

What a selfish, useless bastard.

I’d leave him. Honestly.

Did you talk about division of labour when you were pg? Did you talk about who would do what?

He’s useless. You may as well be a single parent.

ReggaetonLente · 02/07/2018 21:49

I can't go to the toilet without "are you almost done?"

This made me livid for you. He's worse than a toddler.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 02/07/2018 21:49

YA so so SO NBU! You are not his fucking nanny. So unacceptable. My advice? Tell him you're going away for the weekend and book yourself into a hotel. Don't tell him where you are and have your phone in case of genuine emergencies. If he calls for a non-emergency, tell him firmly not to call you again and don't answer any further calls, just listen to voicemail. This manchild needs to learn to bond with and parent his own son. Your son will not come to harm with his father nor will he be damaged from getting upset from picking up on dad's stress. He isn't going to willingly give you some time for yourself so you have to take it. He will learn that he can deal with DS and you will learn that too. Once you have made the break, you will feel far more able to do it again. If you don't feel ready for nights away, tell him you're going for a spa day or wherever and just leave. DS might cry - hard though it is, let his dad learn to deal with it. He isn't exempt from parenting because he leaves the house to work. You are working too.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 02/07/2018 21:51

@lifeisabeach totally agree

glintandglide · 02/07/2018 21:54

Go back to work full time and he’ll have to work out what to do with his child for his 50% or the care. Don’t let him opt out of family life

bubbles108 · 02/07/2018 21:55

You are enabling him.

Stop doing it and find some self respect

The man is a manipulative toss pot

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