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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I need to manage better or am I not unreasonable?

180 replies

HomeDoesTheTrick · 02/07/2018 21:05

He works Monday to Friday, leaves the house at 7ish and doesn't return until 7pm.

I get that he has a long day with a big commute.

But I feel like his own DC should still be of major priority to him above relaxing.

For example, on a weekday, he comes home from work, says hello to us and then gets changed. He won't pick DS up until he's changed. Once changed, he has a quick cuddle and then hands him back/puts him down to go on his phone or watch telly for a bit before he starts dinner (he does cook for me most nights which is nice and is one less thing to worry about).

Once dinner is done, he won't help with DS because he usually says 'I've just eaten'.
He won't help with bath time (if I bath DS at night, I usually just do baths for him in the morning), he doesn't show much interest but might pop his head round if he's upstairs at the time.

If DS is grizzly or upset, it's straight to me.

On a weekend, I can't leave him with DS to do a few jobs unless he's woken properly, because he says it isn't fair to have his eye on him whilst he's half asleep. This is usually after 9am.

If we are all downstairs and I need to put a wash on, wash up or whatever else, it's always "How long are you going to be?" Usually followed by my DH and DS standing in the same room as me, with the excuse of "He wanted to see you"

If I say "You need to have DS whilst I hoover the bedroom", I often hoover and steam clean the bathroom floor too (takes an extra 5 or so minutes). DH will often reply with something like "See, this is what annoys me about you, you say you need to do 1 job which is fine, but then you start doing other jobs"

Which is fair enough, but sometimes it's just easier to do it all at once. I always feel pressured for time Envy

I'm angry sometimes because DH just goes to get his hair cut or goes to the gym twice at weekends at the drop of a hat. He just announced he's going at whatever time and that's that.

I, for example, can't even go to town on my own at weekends. I usually say that's fine, but I want 20/30 minutes on my own to just browse. This is often met with a bit of questioning as to why but I get him to agree easily enough.

It's frustrating all the same though. I could never just say "right, I fancy a trip to town. I'll see you two later on today".

It's always a question of "how long will you be" and "why can't we come" etc etc

DH's reasoning is that DS needs me for soothing because I calm him down. I say well you need to break that cycle and be someone DS can be calmed down by if he is upset, or whatever else.

He says it doesn't work like that because I'm his mum and he spends all of his time with me so naturally needs me.

He doesn't like dressing him, if I come out of the bathroom with DS and ask that DH does it, he says he's not good at it and I should do it. Last time he tried to do anything but a vest, he said "right, I've put his nappy on but I can't do the rest. It's too fiddly. You need to do it".

I just feel burnt out sometimes.

I love cleaning, I love doing the odd job on my own. But I can't even do that without him hovering over me sometimes which "when will you be done" and "how long are you going to be, I just want to relax, I've been at work all week".

DS is a very good baby so I can't compare the stress of domestic lifestyle to DH's job and travels, but it's still hard when you don't get much of a moment to yourself without being questioned.

DS's room is all in a shambles because we are decorating, and the other week DH kept saying "you don't have any housework to do so can you get it done this week please".

Little does he know DS is a very mobile 7 month old, needs constant watching because he's always getting himself into mischief and whatever else. I can't sort through anything with DS there.

I have bleeding down there from not being sewn up properly and it's very painful and, sorry for graphics, bloody when I try and use the loo. Surgery booked in for soonish. I can't go to the toilet without "are you almost done?"

AIBU? I know he does work hard but I feel like that doesn't come into it when it's your own children.

I'm hoping to go back to work soon part time but I'm waiting for a position nearer to home as I can't return to my old position, it's too far away.

I use to put my foot down when DS was a bit younger but it'd leave DH in the foulest of moods and I wasn't happy leaving a baby with him in case the baby could sense he wasn't wanted at that time.

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 03/07/2018 11:08

If you need to do things, you can put DS in his cot with some toys, he'll be fine. But his dad needs to watch him sometimes too.

Dljlr · 03/07/2018 11:14

I'm all for balance and so on but the posts that are sympathetic towards your partner make me as cross as your descriptions of his uselessness. He sounds an absolute prick. Either he starts acting like a parent or partner or he should fuck off and go and be a single man on his own. Fucksake.

marymoosmum · 03/07/2018 11:22

My husband works long hours and weekends, on Sunday he started work at 6 am, when he finished at 3, he let me.go back to bed and had both kids as I didn't feel very well and had to go to work at 6pm. He puts them to bed every night, to get some time with them and because I work nights at the weekend it is easier to have them in the routine that he does. He also gets them up every morning. He does do shift work which means the hours he works do change but he usually does from about 10am until about 7pm, we both sit and chill together after the kids are in bed. I not saying this to gloat, but so you can show him what some other dad's do and how selfish he is being. He clearly thinks you are both still living in the 1950's and your little one is your responsibility and not his.

HomeDoesTheTrick · 03/07/2018 11:37

Hi all, I've tried again to say that things need to change, and why does he think it's all down to me?

He says because I'm the Mum and that's the natural way of things, apparently DS naturally needs me. He says I do the lion's share of the work.

I can't drive so I feel very isolated at times. There's nothing to walk to apart from a local Asda so getting out is also tricky.

There isn't any nice local play things, etc.

They all require a taxi or long winded bus.

I just feel fed up. I'm in absolute agony today with this tear, sorry to be so crude but I can't even pass wind if I wanted to without feeling like I've made another cut. It's awful.

DS insists I'm not pushing the Dr GP enough but I say it until I'm blue in the face, that's the appointment at the hospital I've been given and there's nothing else I can do.

Rest as much as possible is the only thing I can do in between but I've no chance of that.

I just feel so bloody angry that I can't even hang a wash out with being asked how long I'll be, if I'm almost done.

I'm fed up.

DS is an absolute angel for me but I'm curious to know why he's also good for everyone else, apart from DH. I sense that DS senses his dad just wants to relax.

I brought this very conversation up last night, and his response was "why are we even talking about this now?"

Fair enough, it was 11pm at night but even so.

I'm just so fed up of feeling like I'm a single mum when there's suppose to be a dad there too.

The only way I can describe how it feels to leave DS with DH, is like when you ask a lovely old lady stranger or someone to quickly watch the buggy whilst you move the car because it's blocked and you can't get the car seat in.

Ridiculous comparison but the best I can think of. It's like I'm being as quick as I can and I always feel so rushed

I would love nothing more than to hang my washing out in peace, with a clear head thinking of nothing much in particular. But instead I always feel so rushed and on a time limit Sad

I don't know what to do. I can't physically just leave DS with him if he's so insistent he doesn't want him there on his own. I wouldn't feel okay wondering if my baby is okay, or feeling wanted.

Because as extreme as it sounds, I'm scared my DS feels unwanted at times if DH doesn't feel like having him but has to.

I knew someone else with a similar situation. The dad is now extremely baffled as to why his 5 year old DS doesn't want to kick a ball around a field with him, and likes going shopping and having coffee trips to Costa with his Mum

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 03/07/2018 11:43

What makes me the most sad about this is that you aren't even trying to get time away from the baby so that you can do stuff for yourself. You're doing it so that you can get other household chores done....? It's just not right.

I think the problems are bigger than this and I absolutely hate the whole "get a cleaner" advice to solve your marital problems advice. But that might be a good first step. At least then you don't have to do those chores. The problem is that of course you'll simply be freeing up your time so that you can spend even more time with DS.....

Grobagsforever · 03/07/2018 11:44

@HomeDoesTheTrick what do you mean you can't afford the London commute? Bet your DH can. I assume you're saying this because you see childcare as an expense that comes out of your salary alone. STOP THIS THINKING IMMEDIATELY.

Not so 'D'H is responsible for half the childcare bill. Also, even if with only the half childcare bill the commute cost is still a struggle DO IT ANYWAY

DO NOT BECOME FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON THIS SELFISH MAN BY SETTLING FOR A LOCAL, LOWER PAID ROLE

Also nursery drop offs etc are a shared responsibility.

I cannot emphasise this enough

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/07/2018 11:44

I’m going against he grain as a sahm to three dc why can’t you do your housework during the day? Or make dinner for when he’s coming through the door then bath the kids together. It’s what I do plus I got school runs inbetween. I wouldn’t expect dh to cook after he had a long commute when I’m at home and could knock something up.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/07/2018 11:45

You’re not a single mom that’s really insulting to single moms who are and do everything. You can ask for time for yourself doing the weekend when you’re both off.

HomeDoesTheTrick · 03/07/2018 11:47

I’m going against he grain as a sahm to three dc why can’t you do your housework during the day? Or make dinner for when he’s coming through the door then bath the kids together. It’s what I do plus I got school runs inbetween. I wouldn’t expect dh to cook after he had a long commute when I’m at home and could knock something up

I do, but at weekends he is here during the day. He doesn't want me to cook for him and wouldn't accept anything I made, as he wants to do his own meals. So cooking for him is out too. I don't expect him to cook, he does him own because that's how he wants it and just makes extra so I can eat too

OP posts:
HomeDoesTheTrick · 03/07/2018 11:48

Snapped I didn't say I was a single mum... I said I feel that way a lot of the time.

I don't think it's insulting to real single mums. There's nothing worse than a grown adult doing nothing productive with their own child and expecting one parent to do it all, pretty much

OP posts:
HomeDoesTheTrick · 03/07/2018 11:49

Grobag My salary would just about cover the train fair and half the price of childcare

I know you say it's his job to fit half the childcare bill but if it all goes into one pot, surely that doesn't make much sense?

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 03/07/2018 11:50

@HomeDoesTheTrick I'm a widowed mum with two small kids and I have more free time than you.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/07/2018 11:50

It is insulting I’ve been a single mom and have to work and see to your 13month old child during the night before going to work is tough going I can tell you. Completely different to having the financial support from a partner.

Grobagsforever · 03/07/2018 11:52

@HomeDoesTheTrick it makes absolute sense because the preservation of your financial independence is CRITICAL. I'm afraid you've married an arse. Which means you may at some point choose not to remain married. So you NEED your career even if it means short term financial pain.

Also imagine your life as a SAHM with this man? At least at an office you'll be permitted to use the bathroom in peace

Grobagsforever · 03/07/2018 11:55

@Snappedandfarted2018 - I'm a widowed parent and wasn't insulted by her post. Probably because I wouldn't swap with poor OP - I'd rather raise kids alone then have an abusive cock womble who doesn't let me use the loo when I'm sick!!! I also work full time

FilthyforFirth · 03/07/2018 11:59

I dont mean to be insensitive or rude but don't have more children with him. There are so many posters who have husbands like yours and several children and I often think, it was so shit after one, why have more.

That said, you must know YANBU. My DH works full time and does the cooling and still took DS off of me when he got home so I could have an hour to myself before bath and bedtime (which we shared).

It wasnt just to give me a break, he hadnt seen his baby all day and wanted to see him. I would ask him why he doesnt miss his DS and is trying to avoid spending time with him?

cordeliavorkosigan · 03/07/2018 12:03

I am so angry on your behalf.
There should be equal time for yourselves.
Half weekends. Equal after 7pm.
If not - he thinks he's better than you. And this "it makes sense this way" bollocks? It doesn't make sense, because it doesn't work for you.
Please preserve your financial independence.
Please announce that you're going out for a few hours. If he queries, say, well, you announce your plans, I can announce mine. if you can't cope with DS, learn between now and next weekend, because next weekend I'm going out for 3 hours.
It is a Big Red Flag that he is isolating you from your helpful and supportive family. DO NOT let that happen.

mydietstartsmonday · 03/07/2018 12:04

You need to walk out for a day, leave everything for the children, food clothes nappies and go out for the day. Go and do something nice, go to the gym, spa and shopping come back at 6.
You are isolated and he is taking advantage,

glintandglide · 03/07/2018 12:06

I don’t think these aggressive posts about how awful OPs husband are and how fabulous their husbands are help. How is she supposed to force her husband to be supportive?

OP I will say that I think some of this is a function of your son being so young (needing constant care) and it willl pass. In the meantime you need to just go out and have some time. Yes he’ll do a shit job caring for your son but it’s his son too and that’s going to be your sons life too until DH gets better at taking responsibility.

You need to get back to work Ft. You must’ve been on a very low wage if your take home pay only covers the train and 50% childcare. That’s not a great place to be

HomeDoesTheTrick · 03/07/2018 12:08

I agree I need to keep my financial independence.

I understand when he says I need to take him when he's really upset, because breast is an instant soother. But that's not what bothers me. It's the "can you come and take him please" when he's just being a bit difficult and too active!

OP posts:
Squidgee · 03/07/2018 12:10

OP.. FGS stop being nice about it. have you actualy said to him you're sick of feeling like a single mom? TELL HIM.

If he can't step up, leave him, seriously. I'm SO much better off as a single mother that I ever was with the cockwomble I was married to, who I also couldn't leave my kids with, without being moaned or coming back to a shouting match...etc

I used to feel like a single mom, and you know what? Life's actually a hell of a lot fucking easier now I am one.

He's not doing his share, he's cutting you off from your family and he's treating you like dirt. Get rid, for your own sake.

rainingcatsanddog · 03/07/2018 12:16

The only way that he will be able to do stuff like soothe ds is by practicing. He's being completely and utterly unreasonable not participating properly in family life. The more he takes responsibility, the sooner he gets the rewards like a happy ds. You need some free time every week. Assuming he does a Monday to Friday job, he should take ds out on his own every weekend for a couple of hours so you can do what relaxes you (not cleaning or house chores!) He can do it and needs to learn sooner rather than later.

Dljlr · 03/07/2018 12:16

You’re not a single mom that’s really insulting to single moms who are and do everything. You can ask for time for yourself doing the weekend when you’re both off.

Oh fuck off with this. I've done both: parented with a 'partner' present that did fuck all and made me feel shit about myself, and parenting alone. When you have a 'partner' like the op you are doing it alone - read her descriptions of her life - but with the added horror of knowing there's another parent present who doesn't seem to want their child, or do anything for you.

Op, if he won't get the message, start thinking about getting rid. You and your child deserve much much more than you're getting.

StopPOP · 03/07/2018 12:20

Seriously- What's the plan for when you have surgery? If you're having a tear resutured then you need COMPLETE rest afterwards. You can't be looking after, carrying, bathing, fetching etc for DC never mind any chores. Your pelvic floor is potentially already compromised and it must be looked after properly.

I'm in full agreement for LTB but urgently, I'm worried for your health post surgery especially.

Has he booked time off?

HomeDoesTheTrick · 03/07/2018 12:27

He's not booked time off, no. I don't think we've even thought about how painful it'll be afterwards.

I suppose I thought the surgery would be a similar after pain to what I had after having stitches when DS was born.

I managed fine, it was just sore for a few weeks

I will try this weekend to say I'm going out on my own for a couple of hours. But I know he will insist on coming too, and make the excuse that he wants something in town. I will offer to get it for him whilst I'm there but I know he will want to go himself

I can't physically stop him from coming, but I will physically walk off if he tries to follow or ask me how long I'll be.

He hated browsing in shops I like so I've no idea why he'd choose to come to, he will just ask if I'm done yet and make me wonder why I've bothered Angry

OP posts:
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