Do I need to manage better or am I not unreasonable?

[HomeDoesTheTrick]

He works Monday to Friday, leaves the house at 7ish and doesn't return until 7pm.

I get that he has a long day with a big commute.

But I feel like his own DC should still be of major priority to him above relaxing.

For example, on a weekday, he comes home from work, says hello to us and then gets changed. He won't pick DS up until he's changed. Once changed, he has a quick cuddle and then hands him back/puts him down to go on his phone or watch telly for a bit before he starts dinner (he does cook for me most nights which is nice and is one less thing to worry about).

Once dinner is done, he won't help with DS because he usually says 'I've just eaten'.
He won't help with bath time (if I bath DS at night, I usually just do baths for him in the morning), he doesn't show much interest but might pop his head round if he's upstairs at the time.

If DS is grizzly or upset, it's straight to me.

On a weekend, I can't leave him with DS to do a few jobs unless he's woken properly, because he says it isn't fair to have his eye on him whilst he's half asleep. This is usually after 9am.

If we are all downstairs and I need to put a wash on, wash up or whatever else, it's always "How long are you going to be?" Usually followed by my DH and DS standing in the same room as me, with the excuse of "He wanted to see you"

If I say "You need to have DS whilst I hoover the bedroom", I often hoover and steam clean the bathroom floor too (takes an extra 5 or so minutes). DH will often reply with something like "See, this is what annoys me about you, you say you need to do 1 job which is fine, but then you start doing other jobs"

Which is fair enough, but sometimes it's just easier to do it all at once. I always feel pressured for time

I'm angry sometimes because DH just goes to get his hair cut or goes to the gym twice at weekends at the drop of a hat. He just announced he's going at whatever time and that's that.

I, for example, can't even go to town on my own at weekends. I usually say that's fine, but I want 20/30 minutes on my own to just browse. This is often met with a bit of questioning as to why but I get him to agree easily enough.

It's frustrating all the same though. I could never just say "right, I fancy a trip to town. I'll see you two later on today".

It's always a question of "how long will you be" and "why can't we come" etc etc

DH's reasoning is that DS needs me for soothing because I calm him down. I say well you need to break that cycle and be someone DS can be calmed down by if he is upset, or whatever else.

He says it doesn't work like that because I'm his mum and he spends all of his time with me so naturally needs me.

He doesn't like dressing him, if I come out of the bathroom with DS and ask that DH does it, he says he's not good at it and I should do it. Last time he tried to do anything but a vest, he said "right, I've put his nappy on but I can't do the rest. It's too fiddly. You need to do it".

I just feel burnt out sometimes.

I love cleaning, I love doing the odd job on my own. But I can't even do that without him hovering over me sometimes which "when will you be done" and "how long are you going to be, I just want to relax, I've been at work all week".

DS is a very good baby so I can't compare the stress of domestic lifestyle to DH's job and travels, but it's still hard when you don't get much of a moment to yourself without being questioned.

DS's room is all in a shambles because we are decorating, and the other week DH kept saying "you don't have any housework to do so can you get it done this week please".

Little does he know DS is a very mobile 7 month old, needs constant watching because he's always getting himself into mischief and whatever else. I can't sort through anything with DS there.

I have bleeding down there from not being sewn up properly and it's very painful and, sorry for graphics, bloody when I try and use the loo. Surgery booked in for soonish. I can't go to the toilet without "are you almost done?"

AIBU? I know he does work hard but I feel like that doesn't come into it when it's your own children.

I'm hoping to go back to work soon part time but I'm waiting for a position nearer to home as I can't return to my old position, it's too far away.

I use to put my foot down when DS was a bit younger but it'd leave DH in the foulest of moods and I wasn't happy leaving a baby with him in case the baby could sense he wasn't wanted at that time.

*too

""DS will get really upset and DH will be short of patience, escalating the issue further and upsetting DS further""

Don't do as posters are suggesting and leave him with him, until the issue of his frustration is sorted out.

All the Dad's, who end up hurting or killing their babies/toddlers, have been often left in charge in good faith, by the Mother.

Straight talking about being an equal Parent is needed and if your DH will play his part, then a trip out, starting with an hour, is a good start.

You can't force it, it's only the child that suffers. If he won't change, then you have to accept it, or split.

He works 12 hour days, 5 days in a row. I bet he is tired by that, mentally too I imagine. You do sound quite pandering to your son too, you worry he's going to not feel wanted and you step in when he's upset etc. Stop. I do think your DH sounds insecure about how to look after your child, coupled with very long days and not much time with your child for the majority of the week. Of course your son wants you more, he barely sees his Dad and hardly knows him by the sound of it. This is normal, but your son needs to get over it too. He needs to be given time to sulk it out. He's not going to be traumatised by that.

I think you should have a straight conversation with your DH. Tell him yes of course your son wants you first, but tough shit. He's 7 months old, he needs to get to know his Dad, and you need 20 minutes to yourself now and then, AND time to recover from your injury. You already do the lions share of the parenting, because you're with him all day alone. Tell him to stop following you around the house with the baby, he needs to suck it up and stick it out if it's ever going to get better.

If your DH is adamant he just doesn't WANT to be an involved Dad, then decide if you can accept that and live with it. Can you still respect and love your DH knowing he doesn't want to be involved? Maybe your husband needs some home truths if this is making you miserable.

I will try this weekend to say I'm going out on my own for a couple of hours. But I know he will insist on coming too, and make the excuse that he wants something in town

And what will happen if you insist he doesn't come? Stand up for yourself, respect yourself by reading this arsehole the riot act. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you want/need from him. Also, ask him what he's going to do with DS when/if you leave him for being a selfish prick.

If you're going to do that, get everything ready, make sure DS is fed, DH is fed, go to the loo, get changed and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

Don't give him time to go 'oh, can I come' just put DS down say 'i'm going out, i'll be back later' and walk out the door.

Whats he going to do? Chase you down?

If he does that or physically attempts to stop you leaving, there is your big motherfucking red flag.

Fuck me. I’d have lost my shit with him a LONG time ago.

It’s FAR harder living as you are than it is being a single parent.

Stop ‘asking’, start ‘telling’ and tell him that if things don’t change he’d better work out how to dress his child because he’ll be doing it 50% of the time with shared care.

Stop putting up with his shit.

Q-How much longer are you going to be?
A- I don’t know, it’s done when it’s done.
Q- can you take baby, he’s wingey?
A- no I’ve had him all day on my own, you need to practice settling him, and I need a break.
Q- but this is ‘mum stuff’, you should do it.
A- no it’s not, you are not pulling your weight equally.

Please start telling him, Honestly you have to start pushing back, he is the DS parent too.
He’s literally taking the piss, he knows it’s hard, he knows you are injured but he won’t pull his weight with DS.

What the actual fuck? Who the hell does he think he is telling you its the natural way for you to do the lions share?! ABSOLUTELY invite your family round today, tomorrow. He doesn't get to make rules about that, it's your house too. If he's just lazy, he should be grateful you're strong a break via someone else who's happy to play with ds but oh no - this selfish prick wants everything his way, food his way, no effort with his son, and an empty house so he can unwind. Fuck that. If the pressure of having a family around making noise by you know, playing and living is too much, tell him to move out. I think i honestly would by this point.

He's being so selfish i don't know if i could forgive him now even if he changes.

OP, he is telling you, loud and clear. that in his view, you are not entitled to time to yourself. That's what the coming with you to the shops and the whole are-you-finished-yet thing is about. He's trying to wear you down so you accept doing absolutely everything. And he's trying (and succeeding) to isolate you from your family, who treat you differently and have a different regard for your role and your worth. Can you at the very least reinstate your weekly times with them? And can you stay with family (with ds) after your surgery? It's no long-term solution, but it will at least ensure you get the rest you need - as I don't believe he considers you entitled to the rest you need to restore and secure your long-term health, either. And it may just make him think on, although I doubt it.

Perhaps while you are recovering you can make plans for the future.

OP, sorry of this sounds rude but did he want to have children? He seems to either have no concept of what it is like to actually care for a child or he always envisioned a 1950's home where he does extremely little (which I assume you would have picked up on well before now).

DS is an absolute angel for me but I'm curious to know why he's also good for everyone else, apart from DH.

He senses his Dad doesn't want to be with him.

You need to walk out for a day, leave everything for the children, food clothes nappies and go out for the day.

If the OP did this, it is likely she would come home to a hungry and very upset baby.

I'm getting divorced from this type of man now after years of this. It only gets worse, believe me. Soon you'll have so much to do on your shoulders, all his thinking, cleaning, questions, lack of personal space, lack of freedom, that you won't know who you are any more. Put your foot down now, something I wish I had done if I had seen what was really happening to me at the time.

I think your DH needs to get some practise looking after DS and the home, as you will be in hospital having surgery, and then a recovery period where I am sure you will not be allowed to lift a finger etc.

I would point out that he needs to spend some time actually coping with DS so as you make as swift a recovery from the surgery as you can, and that you will start by leaving them to it for a couple of hours while you go shopping on your own this weekend.

Can I also just say that for years my stbx sulked if I mentioned going out on my own, to town or whatever. It was easier just to let him come or stay in. Six years down the line and I haven't been on a night out or out freely on a weekend. I realise now how insecure, needy and controlling he is, but at the time, with a disabled child, I didn't know what the hell was going on. It's abuse - I take it you are a formerly strong, independent woman and now he's got you trapped with a baby this behaviour is appearing for the first time?

Get your family to visit as often as you’d like. So what if it stops him coming home? And you’ll need their help after the operation.

Start making a plan to get away. He won’t change. Do you own your home?

Can you move away? It’s no help you being so isolated.

I'd be putting my foot down and telling him, if he can't do that I'd be booting his ass out the door. That's what I done to my sons father best thing I ever done. Utter laziness. You deserve a break only so much baby talk you can deal with. Make time for yourself tell him to man up and be a dad and make the effort men like that make me so angry they expect the woman to do everything.

But they don't visit anymore because they could only come on weekdays afternoon and DH would phone to see if they were still there when he was near home, because he didn't want them there due to him wanting peace when he walks in

So he's isolating you from your family and stopping you having the only break youever get from the baby?

You need to be less scared of leaving hiim to deal/stop guessing how the baby feels, because this is definitely something that needs to change, you're overthinking this bit. Leave him with the baby while you hang out washing etc and if he follows you and stands staring while you do it, dump it, walk away, every single time.

Would it be possible for you and DS to go and stay with your family while you recover from surgery?

I know that might sound daft and I'm projecting my own shit, but the reason is that it made a big difference to me when I spent a few weeks with my family and small child without my H for the first time in years and it suddenly gave me a whole different perspective on how my life could be.

I am really concerned by things you have said about your H and I'm not sure that just handing over the baby and expecting him to "step up" is going to work. I think what you need the most is a change of your own mindset so you can make clear decisions about your future. Because I'm not sure he's going to change.

You sound like a great person and a caring mum and I know all too well that feeling of always being rushed, questioned, criticized, unsupported by a partner.

You deserve better.

Next time he asks you how long you will be or if you are done, tell him straight up to stop.

Be clear and calm and straightforward. No reasons or explanations should he be necessary.

"Please don't ask me that question or similar questions again. If the amount of time I think I will need to do something is out of the ordinary, I will let you know."

If he doesn't stop, you could start requesting updates on the timing of his everyday activities, visits to the bathroom, spells of time on his phone. This should draw his attention to how unreasonable and unnecessary this is.

The whole situation sounds intolerable and there are parts that could be lifted from a textbook on emotional abuse, but a failure to knock the 'how long will you be?' questions on the head would be enough of a deal breaker for me.

Can you go and stay with family for a bit? You don’t deserve to be treated like this. He sounds utterly horrible, manipulative, selfish, controlling and cruel. You and your son deserve so much better.

It’s like these fully grown men keep forgetting that they have a child, and that’s it’s very hard work!! Your husband has a grand sense of entitlement!! Shame on him. But the worst damage in all of this is maybe to your child, as he grows up watching this dynamic, thinking that child rearing is only woman’s work and men can do sweet fa other than just at their regular work. And so the cycle continues.

You don't feel ok leaving him in charge of your son.
He doesn't like you seeing your family.
He doesn't care that you're in pain and bleeding and needing surgery - in fact he blames you for it, you need to be more assertive with the doctor etc.

You married the wrong person. You had a baby with the wrong person. I know these things because my ex was very similar. It's scary and so deeply shit to realise you made such a huge mistake.

This isn't going to get better. He will become more controlling when you get back into work.

The plan I suggest for you:

Get the surgery over and done with
Get your family onside as much as possible
Get back in work
Leave him. Go to your family.

Leave him sooner than that if your family has room for you. Even if it's just temporary room.

Bear in mind he will try to make the return to work as difficult as possible for you. Also he will try to make surgery recovery impossible.

This guy isn't your friend. Get wise.

He is abusing you. This is coercive control.

The more insights you share into your life the more undeniable it becomes.

But they don't visit anymore because they could only come on weekdays afternoon and DH would phone to see if they were still there when he was near home, because he didn't want them there due to him wanting peace when he walks in

This is how abusers stop you from seeing your family. They don't lock you up or say "I don't want you to see them", they just make it hostile and difficult so they are forced away or you are forced to stop seeing them.

This is the same reason he won't let you go into town by yourself. He doesn't have to ban you, he just makes it nigh on impossible so you don't try anymore.

Same reason he won't let you cook for him. Control.

And your son's behaviour is because your son is capable of picking up on the tension and hostility here.

You could spend the next thirty years bending over backwards, tying yourself in knots, always trying to do more and more, be more perfect, do things his ridiculously exacting ways... And still nothing would change. He would not treat you better. He would not treat your son like a father should.

Because he is deliberately abusing you and this is how he wants things. That is why he won't respond to your attempts to change anything.

You appear to have skirted around all the posters pointing out this is classic abuse. It's understandable, but at some point you are going to have to face it or your life is only going to get worse.

None of us want to believe we are "that women" being abused. Unfortunate, that's not enough to mean we are not being abused.

Coercive control is a crime, regardless of whether there is any element of physical violence at any point ever. It is a crime because it is a terrible form of abuse.

And you are experiencing it.

You don't have to say it to yourself, you don't have to use the word abuse, but at least read the resources available on www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so you can see what we are seeing.

For all your "to be fair to him" type posts minimising his behaviour, making excuses for him, and blaming yourself - where are your "to be fair to me" thoughts?

My god, nobody should live the way you are. It's despicable what he is doing to you.

Spot on @Gruffalina72

Some great advice and insight from other posters I hope you're listening.

I haven’t rtft yet but I’ve just read where you said he doesn’t let you see your family. Not in so many words but that’s what he’s accomplished.

That is such a red flag. Get out. Now. When I got to the point where I didn’t dare leave my baby with him and breastfed exclusively so I had an excuse not to leave her with him, it wasn’t long before social services turned up and told me to get out else I’d lose the kids.

Run. Contact women’s aid. This is not normal behaviour. Please. Just get out.