Do I need to manage better or am I not unreasonable?

[HomeDoesTheTrick]

He works Monday to Friday, leaves the house at 7ish and doesn't return until 7pm.

I get that he has a long day with a big commute.

But I feel like his own DC should still be of major priority to him above relaxing.

For example, on a weekday, he comes home from work, says hello to us and then gets changed. He won't pick DS up until he's changed. Once changed, he has a quick cuddle and then hands him back/puts him down to go on his phone or watch telly for a bit before he starts dinner (he does cook for me most nights which is nice and is one less thing to worry about).

Once dinner is done, he won't help with DS because he usually says 'I've just eaten'.
He won't help with bath time (if I bath DS at night, I usually just do baths for him in the morning), he doesn't show much interest but might pop his head round if he's upstairs at the time.

If DS is grizzly or upset, it's straight to me.

On a weekend, I can't leave him with DS to do a few jobs unless he's woken properly, because he says it isn't fair to have his eye on him whilst he's half asleep. This is usually after 9am.

If we are all downstairs and I need to put a wash on, wash up or whatever else, it's always "How long are you going to be?" Usually followed by my DH and DS standing in the same room as me, with the excuse of "He wanted to see you"

If I say "You need to have DS whilst I hoover the bedroom", I often hoover and steam clean the bathroom floor too (takes an extra 5 or so minutes). DH will often reply with something like "See, this is what annoys me about you, you say you need to do 1 job which is fine, but then you start doing other jobs"

Which is fair enough, but sometimes it's just easier to do it all at once. I always feel pressured for time

I'm angry sometimes because DH just goes to get his hair cut or goes to the gym twice at weekends at the drop of a hat. He just announced he's going at whatever time and that's that.

I, for example, can't even go to town on my own at weekends. I usually say that's fine, but I want 20/30 minutes on my own to just browse. This is often met with a bit of questioning as to why but I get him to agree easily enough.

It's frustrating all the same though. I could never just say "right, I fancy a trip to town. I'll see you two later on today".

It's always a question of "how long will you be" and "why can't we come" etc etc

DH's reasoning is that DS needs me for soothing because I calm him down. I say well you need to break that cycle and be someone DS can be calmed down by if he is upset, or whatever else.

He says it doesn't work like that because I'm his mum and he spends all of his time with me so naturally needs me.

He doesn't like dressing him, if I come out of the bathroom with DS and ask that DH does it, he says he's not good at it and I should do it. Last time he tried to do anything but a vest, he said "right, I've put his nappy on but I can't do the rest. It's too fiddly. You need to do it".

I just feel burnt out sometimes.

I love cleaning, I love doing the odd job on my own. But I can't even do that without him hovering over me sometimes which "when will you be done" and "how long are you going to be, I just want to relax, I've been at work all week".

DS is a very good baby so I can't compare the stress of domestic lifestyle to DH's job and travels, but it's still hard when you don't get much of a moment to yourself without being questioned.

DS's room is all in a shambles because we are decorating, and the other week DH kept saying "you don't have any housework to do so can you get it done this week please".

Little does he know DS is a very mobile 7 month old, needs constant watching because he's always getting himself into mischief and whatever else. I can't sort through anything with DS there.

I have bleeding down there from not being sewn up properly and it's very painful and, sorry for graphics, bloody when I try and use the loo. Surgery booked in for soonish. I can't go to the toilet without "are you almost done?"

AIBU? I know he does work hard but I feel like that doesn't come into it when it's your own children.

I'm hoping to go back to work soon part time but I'm waiting for a position nearer to home as I can't return to my old position, it's too far away.

I use to put my foot down when DS was a bit younger but it'd leave DH in the foulest of moods and I wasn't happy leaving a baby with him in case the baby could sense he wasn't wanted at that time.

I'm sorry but his attitudes are repugnant. You do not have to put up with them. You do not have to have your son grow up thinking these attitudes are acceptable.
I left my ex husband when I finally realised it would be easier, calmer, on my own and it was even as a single parent of three as having a partner be there but not be mentally supporting is so draining.
Start being very matter of fact and actually say you expect to be treated with respect for all the things you do...without you he would have to pay for childcare and probably not be able to work the hours/job he does...my husband works 12 hour shifts and as soon as he is home his children are everything - he takes two minutes to change then focus is where it should be, his family. Nappies, cuddles, sitting with baby whilst he's in highchair...yes he'd rather relax wouldn't we all...but a good parent doesn't put themselves first all the time.

Ennirem

IF you read my post, you'd clearly note i said 20 minutes - ie a bloody bath in peace - not leaving the house for a day at a time

Practically, what would help you both stress wise is batch cook weeks evening meals so you get downtime together in evening. I'd really hate cooking from scratch after work & commute tbh . Do bulk of housework in week work hours. At weekend go out for 2 hours: tell, don't ask: I need adult downtime, next feeds in fridge, spare clothes/changing stuff downstairs just in case/for speed. Bye." No warning, no negotiating, (you tried that, didn't work) just go.

If that doesn't work its time to reassess your future with him.

I'd be seriously thinking of leaving.

I find being a single parent much easier for my mental health than living with the constant resentment of a so called partner who actually contributes nothing other than money

The house wife’s conundrum pretty much I know who has kids had this issue
We just sort of fall into these 1950s roles don’t we

I could not deal with this.

I have two DSs. The younger is ten months and does not sleep. He wakes every half an hour to an hour.

DH leaves at 6.30am and returns at 5pm. He plays with both boys and does their bath whilst I cook (something I enjoy) and then we put one each to bed. DH deals with all the evening wake ups and then we share the night wake ups evenly.

On the weekends we both get time to ourselves. I'm going back to work full time soon and DH is going part time to help look after them. He dresses, soothes, does bath time, reads to them, feeds them - everything I do.

Your DH is a waste of space.

I have said to him before that if I ever left, you'd miss all the things I did! It was more of a 'said in jest' thing, as a response to him being a lazy bloke and not putting his socks in the wash basket.

His response was a very serious "you could never do that, you love that baby too much"

Baby would be coming with me.

Him "No he wouldn't, and even if he did, I would be getting 50/50 so you'd have to spend half the time without him. It wouldn't work because you wouldn't want to leave him that much. The courts look more favourably on dads now and actively encourage a 50/50 split"

That scared me. Thinking of only having DS half and half at the tiny age of not even a toddler, a baby, breaks my heart

OP
How is he going to get 50/50 for a baby when he works 12 hour days? Think it through. He is pushing your buttons to get you to back down. Is he suddenly going to change his working hours and become Dad of the Year?

Now you sound scared...defo time to talk to someone in real life.

But what if he got all the weekend with him, as a baby?

So not 50/50 but come the weekend, DS is with him

OP
He doesn't want 50/50. He doesn't want all weekend. He wants you to get back into line

How can he pop to the gym and to get a haircut when he has your DS? How can he plonk in front of the TV or muck around on his phone if he has DS?

Aah, the old "I will get the baby if we split" chestnut. Call his bluff- as he point blank refuses to spend any time with your child alone, how on earth does he expect anyone go believe he wants 50/50? The courts DO want to encourage a relationship with both parents, true. But not to the detriment of the child and a dad who is not present is not exactly likely to get much help from courts.

A friend of mines ex used these threats with her. Then actually took her to court because she refused to let him take the dc away for a holiday (2 of them were under 3 at the time and he was cancelling his regular days and nights with them constantly so she didn't feel they would cope with a holiday away). When her ex started ranting to judge he was told in no uncertain terms that until he turned up consistently for his agreed contact, a holiday was out of the question.

Of course, taking her to court was just a way to try and control her and When it failed miserably he realised it wouldn't work. He still gives her a hard time and hardly ever actually has the kids when he is supposed to, but at least the threats have stopped.

My point is that the threats only need to be taken seriously if they are credible. And the chances of this man ever fighting for or coping with custody seems.pretty unlikely.

This is like a standard script. I have seen it time and again in threads on here. Its a standard control tactic when the idle DH picks on the one thing that they know the DW really cares about - the child. They don't want 50/50 but they know the thought of it will upset you so much that you will back down.

He doesn't do 5% now do you really think he will step up and do 50%?

they wouldn't do 50/50 with a child that young when Dad has barely had anything to do with him and can't even cope with him alone for 10 minutes!

He would have to take you to court and prove that it was in the best interests of your son.

It’s just a threat, it wouldn’t happen. He can’t have him for 10 minutes, there’s no way he really wants him for a whole weekend. You’ll see- you’ll be posting questions about how hard should you try to facilitate contact when the dcs Dad can’t be arsed most weeks.

Please get your contraception sorted out. You don't have to run it past him - it's not something you need to ask him about or tell him. It's your body and you don't want to get pregnant, so just go to the doctor and get what you want, whether coil or pill or whatever. You don't need his stamp of approval.

This reminds me very much of my ex-husband, even down to how great he treated the kids in front of others and then did nothing at home. I left him in the end and am 100 times happier now.

My main point I wanted to make is how it is most definitely not insulting to me, a single mum, to say that you feel like a single mum. I find life with two kids much, much easier on my own than I ever did with a moody, critical, sensitive emotional abuser, and much more fun. Look after yourself.

He's lying about the 50/50, he doesn't want that, he just wants to stop you from leaving.

Surely you don't believe this bullshit? I'm sure you're an intelligent woman, so think about what it would mean for him. He can't even be arsed to look after his child for more than 5 minutes, no way will he want to be lumbered with his child for a whole weekend!

You're BF so he definitely wouldn't get 50/50, even afterwards he'd have to prove that it's more beneficial for your child to be in childcare rather than with his mother when he's at work.

Not a lot of places could cater for 14hr or so childcare, unless he's willing to fork out for a nanny?

I am serious about leaving so went to the council today, I told them myself and my H have separated and I'm confined to one room, I said we are sharing shared facilities such as bathroom and kitchen.

They told me they can't help me housing wise, and insisted I use the deposit help scheme. I said that was no good because I can't afford to rent privately here and what's more, my credit score is down the pan now.

They just basically looked at me like "what do you want us to do!?" And that was all.

I have only been in this area for 9 months. That's why they can't put me on the register to get anywhere.

My old area have a policy of not taking anyone on who's left the area. So it seems I'm stuffed

I explained everything to the housing officer and he doesn't think woman's aid is appropriate

Can you go back to work?

I'd put aside a couple of days hours to devote to ringing Women's Aid (it takes that long to get through to them) and see what they say, rather than take what the clerical assistant on the desk housing officer says at face value. They're bound to be cutting costs and let's be honest, the housing list is probably about a decade long even if you are entitled to help.

Try shelter for housing advice. They have a helpline and online livechat service and are v helpful.

What is the situation with your current house?

"I explained everything to the housing officer and he doesn't think woman's aid is appropriate"

Thats probably because they'd tell you that he has to help. Its easiest for him if you just go away.

Housing Depts are minefield OP. Is your current home his or jointly owned or is it rented? If it his & he tells you to leave and you have children, then Housing have 'duty of care' to house you. But, they get numbers down by telling anyone whose left any situation on their own decision 'you voluntarily made yourself homeless so we aren't obliged to help'. So, for them to help you need to be thrown out/permanently locked out by a Partner. If renting you need to begiven Notice by Landlord: Housing will say don't leave on Notice date, wait for Bailiffs 3months later, or again, if you it's 'voluntarily' so no help .

If you have children or mental health issues, suffer DV or have any long term medical condition you need to shout about it as it adds to their scoring system, you are classed as 'vulnerable' & 'duty of care' applies.

If you're married & joint mortgage, legal advice is stay put: then divorce process is either find a way to keep the house (lodgers/work part time, get £ help off family) or sell house & split profit) .