Do I need to manage better or am I not unreasonable?

[HomeDoesTheTrick]

He works Monday to Friday, leaves the house at 7ish and doesn't return until 7pm.

I get that he has a long day with a big commute.

But I feel like his own DC should still be of major priority to him above relaxing.

For example, on a weekday, he comes home from work, says hello to us and then gets changed. He won't pick DS up until he's changed. Once changed, he has a quick cuddle and then hands him back/puts him down to go on his phone or watch telly for a bit before he starts dinner (he does cook for me most nights which is nice and is one less thing to worry about).

Once dinner is done, he won't help with DS because he usually says 'I've just eaten'.
He won't help with bath time (if I bath DS at night, I usually just do baths for him in the morning), he doesn't show much interest but might pop his head round if he's upstairs at the time.

If DS is grizzly or upset, it's straight to me.

On a weekend, I can't leave him with DS to do a few jobs unless he's woken properly, because he says it isn't fair to have his eye on him whilst he's half asleep. This is usually after 9am.

If we are all downstairs and I need to put a wash on, wash up or whatever else, it's always "How long are you going to be?" Usually followed by my DH and DS standing in the same room as me, with the excuse of "He wanted to see you"

If I say "You need to have DS whilst I hoover the bedroom", I often hoover and steam clean the bathroom floor too (takes an extra 5 or so minutes). DH will often reply with something like "See, this is what annoys me about you, you say you need to do 1 job which is fine, but then you start doing other jobs"

Which is fair enough, but sometimes it's just easier to do it all at once. I always feel pressured for time

I'm angry sometimes because DH just goes to get his hair cut or goes to the gym twice at weekends at the drop of a hat. He just announced he's going at whatever time and that's that.

I, for example, can't even go to town on my own at weekends. I usually say that's fine, but I want 20/30 minutes on my own to just browse. This is often met with a bit of questioning as to why but I get him to agree easily enough.

It's frustrating all the same though. I could never just say "right, I fancy a trip to town. I'll see you two later on today".

It's always a question of "how long will you be" and "why can't we come" etc etc

DH's reasoning is that DS needs me for soothing because I calm him down. I say well you need to break that cycle and be someone DS can be calmed down by if he is upset, or whatever else.

He says it doesn't work like that because I'm his mum and he spends all of his time with me so naturally needs me.

He doesn't like dressing him, if I come out of the bathroom with DS and ask that DH does it, he says he's not good at it and I should do it. Last time he tried to do anything but a vest, he said "right, I've put his nappy on but I can't do the rest. It's too fiddly. You need to do it".

I just feel burnt out sometimes.

I love cleaning, I love doing the odd job on my own. But I can't even do that without him hovering over me sometimes which "when will you be done" and "how long are you going to be, I just want to relax, I've been at work all week".

DS is a very good baby so I can't compare the stress of domestic lifestyle to DH's job and travels, but it's still hard when you don't get much of a moment to yourself without being questioned.

DS's room is all in a shambles because we are decorating, and the other week DH kept saying "you don't have any housework to do so can you get it done this week please".

Little does he know DS is a very mobile 7 month old, needs constant watching because he's always getting himself into mischief and whatever else. I can't sort through anything with DS there.

I have bleeding down there from not being sewn up properly and it's very painful and, sorry for graphics, bloody when I try and use the loo. Surgery booked in for soonish. I can't go to the toilet without "are you almost done?"

AIBU? I know he does work hard but I feel like that doesn't come into it when it's your own children.

I'm hoping to go back to work soon part time but I'm waiting for a position nearer to home as I can't return to my old position, it's too far away.

I use to put my foot down when DS was a bit younger but it'd leave DH in the foulest of moods and I wasn't happy leaving a baby with him in case the baby could sense he wasn't wanted at that time.

I know this is a horrible thing to say but.
What would your DH do if you died, and weren't around to do this stuff.
Would DS be naked all the time because he can't dress him.
Ludicrous

He is telling you, without even dressing it up particularly, 'The house and ds are your role. I expect to go to work and then do as I please. I expect you to do everything else. And I do not care about the impact on you, your health (rushing you on the loo when you have a birth injury! ), your well-being.'

And he is letting his son down by failing to bond with him. What if, God forbid, something went wrong with the surgery, or you were in an accident tomorrow?

That's what his actions and words are telling you. You need to make it clear that you hear him and that living like this is not what you want. He may shape up. He may not care. In the latter case, I think your life would be lighter (in both senses of the word) without him.

Your DH sounds like my DH as I used to get interupted if I spent more than 60 seconds in the loo and couldn’t even take a 20 minute bath to rest my poor broken and bruised body. I signed my DH up to swimming lessons with our baby under the guise that it would be a wonderful bonding experience for dad and daughter since I am at home all day every day for her. In reality I wanted him to see how difficult it was to get out the door and go anywhere and get a couple of hours of me time. I leave earlier and drive to the gym. I normally have breakfast and sit there for an hour (bliss) just so I can have one hour of rest/relaxation a week then I do a class. Then I have a shower longer than 2 minutes before blow drying my hair. I feel human after this.

Surely if your DH gets to go to the gym then surely you are allowed some gym time as well - even if you do use it to sit down and have a coffee.

I also found swimming and buggering off to the gym has helped my DHs confidence massively with our baby

Yes

Stop enabling him to behave like this.

Go out and turn off your phone.

Book a hair cut, meet a friend for lunch. Have a glass of wine.

Whats he going to do when you're having surgery? You're going to need some serious rest at some point.

You need to start 'preparing' him now, insisting he steps up. Keep reminding him of how bloody painful it is. Maybe even play the I seriously need to lie down I can't walk with it any more card.

Good luck

Oh, OP, I feel for you. I had something similar with my XH when the DC were small. He would say on a Sunday "I'm going for a bike ride - what are you doing today?" "Um, I'm going to look after our children, as I do every single day of the week..."

One of them has SN and XH couldn't deal with him, so that didn't help (I didn't in fact go out on my own until they started school).

My XH was, as it happens, a tosser. But a more benign view of yours might be that I would think it's strangely harder to look after a baby/toddler/small child if you don't do it all day, every day. I certainly got into a routine with mine; there was still a kind of umbilical cord - so much so that I could detect tiny changes in their breathing or scent. So while afternoons could feel as if they were years long, and I would think that I was going to die of exhaustion, I think in some ways that's still easier than coming at it 'from cold'. It wouldn't be an easy conversation to have with your DH, though, as he would have to be able to say that he feels incompetent and out of his comfort zone.

I may be wrong, and he may just be an arse. It just occurred to me that there might be another way to look at it...

Amazing that women put up with this in 2018!!

OP it's not ok. He is out 7-7 commuting and at work. Presumably within that he gets down time (lunch, breaks, chance to read a book on the train?). Between the hours of 7-7 your 'job' (until such a time as you return to paid employment, which IMHO you should expedite) is taking care of your son. Perhaps you also get 'breaks' when he naps? That leaves the hours of 7pm to 7am M-F and all day S&S. During this time, you should expect that parenting is shared. The very reason that he puts forward as an excuse to opt out (you're his main care giver, he spends most of his time with you, he wants you) is the same reason that he SHOULD be taking every chance he gets to take an active role when he can. As for his remarks that he needs to rest, he's been working all day etc... Wtf does he think you've been doing all day?

My DH works all day in a physical job. He then comes in and immediately baths our DD and gets her ready for bed. He also gets up with her in the night when necessary and has done every time she's needed someone since Christmas (I'm pregnant, struggling, and have been working PT up til last week). It has certainly not always been easy for him, but even when I was BF (exclusively at first, and ongoing until recently) and therefore there was an arguably legitimate source of comfort he was not able to provide, he still made every effort with her.

We share the childcare load, household chores, DIY and responsibility for earning money. That's what a partnership is and that's what a good dad is. I urge you to consider whether you want to continue to accept this very shoddy deal that your DH is currently offering you in the long term. He is getting absolutely all of the benefits and you are getting absolutely all of the shit. Even if you could make your own personal peace with it, your DS is going to grow up seeing that as normal and that's not a good message to be putting out there. He'll have a wife one day and if you've done a good job raising him, he'll offer her a better partnership than what is currently on offer to you.

I echo the others saying you have to go out. Get out of the house. So coming to find you can't be an option. For both your sanity, and for their relationship. Otherwise time will pass, and their relationship will never grow.

It's not true that as you're the main caregiver they want you. Both my dds will go to their father just as often as to me, despite me doing 80%.

Does your ds sleep in the day? Mine would go at least 4 hours in the day - so I'd use that time both for the housework, so there was nothing left to do in an evening/weekend, plus for my downtime - an exercise video, a movie, a book.

Christ he's a shitbag - you're in need of surgery, still bleeding and in pain and he's got no care for you at all. What's he even for?

Op your husband sounds like an arse.

However, the housework should be mainly done during the week, unless it’s your injuries preventing you.

This has to change. The more he does with ds the more he will be able to do. How old is ds? Are you going to work soon?

So the rule is he works out of the house, you work in the house. He needs to learn that just because you arent in paid work it is hard work, unremitting and unthanked. He likely doesnt realise that all the time he is working you are too. He thinks you should do everything at home as that is your job. The split needs to be 50-50 when he is not working. If he doesnt like it ask him why he thinjs you should.

You need to reset the balance now or you are creating a pattern for your future dc.

If it helps this iscommon that some men think their life doesnt change whilst the womans does. So many women bear the brunt of the domestic load especially when dc are young. Him being a ninny and overreliant on you is convenient for him and by accepting this as status quo you are facilitating him to have any easy ride whilst you drown.

Sit him down and tell him this.

Start splitting evening responsibility more evenly. So he should be doing bath and bed every other night.

Weekends you need to go out and leave him to it, he can have equal down time. He needs to full stop trying to dump ds back on you at every opportunity.

Be kind. Hopefully hes just lacking confidence. He needs to develop his own way with ds. Not asking you.

If and when you get fed up with this bullying behaviour - you'll need to be confident you can leave your son with him. Start today.

Honestly he sounds like an utter wanker.

Don't have any other DC with him.

Can you go back to work? You'll need financial independence.

I couldn't bare to leave my lovely baby with him. I'd have to leave 'D' H.

Sorry, OP. He sounds controlling to me.

I could have written your post. The only way out of it is to start leaving your child with him announcing you are going out.

What a useless twat he is! I can’t quite believe that he is complaining that you are doing lots of housework. Surely he should be grateful that you are doing it and that it is less for him to do...oh wait, he does f-all housework.

He is unbelievably selfish and child-like in the way he treats you.

Such a knob!

Your husband is a twat. Fact.

My husband had a long day too, probably out the house for 10 hours but this is what he did

came home, took the baby off me. Made me a cup of tea, let me drink it in solitude whilst he had some one on one time with our son.

Then we would bath the baby together, teamwork, one bathing, one organising sleepwear, nappy, bottle. One night I would read the story and put our son to bed, the next night Dh did it.

On a Saturday Dh had a lie in, on a Sunday I had a lie in.

You know why? Because he is a parent. We have been together over 20 years, our sons are both now in secondary school.

I have swanned off for lovely weekends with my best mate leaving Dh with a 3 year old and a baby. The more interaction your twat of a husband has with the baby, the more attuned he will become.

If you were hospitalised for a week, what the hell would he do? You need to go out for several hours and not answer your phone. You had to learn to do all this stuff, he does too.

I had this with my dh. He was fucking useless and just didn't try. I think part of it was the narrative he was receiving from his mother, i remember once joking i was going out somewhere and she asked who would look after the dc and i suggested 'their father perhaps' and in front of him with total certainly she replied 'well he can't do that'. I really think he believed he couldn't do it and just never learnt.
All those people saying for you to go out so he can learn, i tried that and went out for a few hours one evening and when i returned i found my 18 month old sobbing and hicupping (had clearly been crying for a long time) by the front door and dh watching the tv in another room. When i asked wtf, he shrugged and said, 'well she just wanted you'.I never went out after that.
Very occasionally he took the baby out in the pram and if she cried, he would literally run home to pass her back to me. He used to bring her into the bathroom if i was in there. He just never learnt a single strategy for distracting her.
The dc are older now and he is much better with them, but i have never forgiven him for how useless he was.

So, he has seriously suggested you get on with the decorating whilst looking after a 7 month old, when he can't even deal with him single-handed for longer than half an hour?
Twat.

My second thought (first one being "what a twat") was also what's he going to do when you're recovering from surgery? He needs to bloody get with the programme. You're going to need LOTS of rest. Is he booking some time off work to care for you and DC?

Your DH is lazy and unpleasant.

My DH does similar hours and has a similar commute. We have 2 DS, 4mths and 5yo.

DS gets up and does lunch box and breakfast for all of us. I get up with baby. If I have a terrible night with baby he’ll call in to work and say he’s doing school run.

When he gets back he’ll usually have grabbed any groceries we need. He does cooking, bath time and we alternate bed time for DS5.

He plays with baby and gives me a break. On weekends I get first dibs of the lie in but we usually all get up together. He takes DS to Saturday activity.

Then I usually get a bit of alone time and then we do stuff together.

If I want to go out I say ‘I’m going out on X if that’s ok?’ And he says ‘great - have fun.’

Your DH is a lazy twat.

DH obv gets up to do lunchbox and breakfasts, not DS

Stop being nice.

At work do you think his boss micromanages him to do a routine task like doing up 3 poppers? While offering gentle encouragement?

Top tip for you. Tactical meltdown.

Shove a rocket up his arse.

I'm confused. Does he think looking after DC is the hardest job ever, or really easy?

• Because he can't look after DC for more than 5 mins... but expects you to do it without a break and decorate a bedroom at the same time.

• Because he's never been able to take DC for a whole day by himself... but he's the one who needs a break when he gets in from work.

He needs to admit that what you're doing is hard. And he doesn't want to put the effort in to do it himself. He wants you to do it. Without complaining.

What will happen when you go into hospital?

Personally I'd stretch that out as long as possible and make him cope.

He just says DS settles best with me and it's stressful keeping on top of DS because of how active he is whilst do accident prone

Has he followed that thought through to the end? That the short periods he's had DC for are stressful... so how much more stressful it must be to have DC for the whole day? Can he not work out how you must be feeling?