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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 01/07/2018 16:37

Or perhaps you'd know better for next time not to just help yourself to anything and everything with zero consideration for the people who might have needed that stuff for something else.

theveryhighlife · 01/07/2018 16:38

Apologies OP, I missed your update. I think it's a good gesture if you apologise to them, like you've suggested. Hopefully bagel lady won't stick. Although there are worse things to be known as!

Clandestino · 01/07/2018 16:39

TBH, it's probably time for you to sit down with your DD and explain to her what budgeting means and that as a result she now has to do without bagels and ham for the week. She clearly believes that they just magically appear in the fridge which at 14 is just ridiculous.
If your budget is that tight, she needs to know. Also involve her in purchases so she learns the value of money.

Allergictoironing · 01/07/2018 16:47

I feed my kids friends when they are at mine and are hungry and I would be really disappointed if my daughter was left hungry at one of her friends houses

That's a perfectly reasonable approach if the friends are round for the afternoon or whatever. But they were only there because they were going out with the OP's DD and she was running a bit late getting ready. So there was no expectation on the OP's part that they would be there more than a few minutes.

notacooldad · 01/07/2018 16:47

It was ( and sometimes still is) a pretty normal thing in our house to have fridge raiders! DS used to send his mates down to make a butties and drinks and we used to joke with then that he was like Little Lord Foutenroy! We never stopped them eating anything and if they had anything that was going to be used in a meal there's a Tesco and a co op near by.
I guess the kids feel they already had permission from your DD nad wouldn't have thought to ask for more permission.
I can understand why you narked if the food had to last. Maybe just. Have a quiet word with DD and explain that for next time.

I would never have told them off though! I wouldn't hve embraced my kids like that in front of their mates and would have just sucked it up.

lovelycuppateas · 01/07/2018 16:49

My dad shouted at me in front of friends, and was also really protective about what food we were "allowed" to eat. It was horrible, completely humiliating, put me off bringing friends back and made my relationship with my dad very messed up. As far as I'm concerned whatever food is in the house is everyone's. Both my ds's friends have looked in cupboards/fridge for food and I really really don't mind. Will send them to the shop to get some more if needs be.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/07/2018 16:52

Manners.

At the end of the day I would expect my kids to use their manners and ask first, and they would know, because I would've drummed it into them on previous occasions since they first started visiting others houses, that you ask the adult (aka bill payer) first.

My two know they can help themselves to biscuits/crisps, but they will still check with me first. If they go round to a friends house I give them some money so they can get something to eat if they need to. I don't expect others to pay for my kids to eat lunch/dinner unless it's been arranged beforehand. My kids know not to expect it.

I just think it's considerate to think about others before you just help yourself. My DSis lets her kids help themselves and it's been somewhat awkward when her kids are at an extended family dinner hoovering up all the food and not leaving much for anyone else!!

tillytoodles1 · 01/07/2018 16:53

I'd have had a quiet word with my daughter, but not told them all off. I'd wait until they'd gone and then say something. I bet they were all mortified.

Tomatoesrock · 01/07/2018 16:56

I would have spoke to your daughter later, Did you call her down or automatically shout up the stairs.

They were rude, if they asked and you said no it would be embarrassing anyway, it is embarrassing when you do not have enough food, believe me I do understand, have been there and should be again near the end of the month.

Bonez · 01/07/2018 16:58

I wouldn't want to come back if one of my friends mums had a go at me like that. Rude. You should've saved it all for DD who is the one who told them to root through the cupboard and fridge.

Katedotness1963 · 01/07/2018 16:58

I'm amazed how much food teenagers can put away! Our youngest's best friend is as skinny as a rail and can pack away mountains of food.

He was over one night and we ordered a takeaway, I was doing something when the food arrived but told everyone else to eat while it was still hot. Got to the table to find the friend had eaten my dinner too!

I had a sandwich and told my son we would not be getting a takeaway again when his friend was there.

noeffingidea · 01/07/2018 17:00

Of course the OP shouldn't apologise. God, no wonder some young people come across as being entitled nowadays. Being welcome in someone's home doesn't extend to wandering into their kitchen and helping yourself to food.
I never have helped myself to food even in my Mum's house or my MIL's house, I wouldn't have even asked unless I was very hungry, I would just have waited to be offered something. Same with my kids and their friends. I would have been mortified if one of my kids had done this in a friends house and given them a bollocking myself. There again I did grow up in the era when people could survive more than an hour without eating something. Maybe thats the difference.

starzig · 01/07/2018 17:00

YABU its only a bit of food. Get over it. I would be mortified if i thought the freinds of my daughter could not make themselves a bite to eat when at my house.

JovialNickname · 01/07/2018 17:08

Whilst every fibre of my being agrees with you in not liking strangers rifling through my fridge and cupboards, your daughter is 14 now and (in my opinion) has a right to host friends at your house. She's not five and it is her house too. Admittedly she isn't contributing financially, but how can she? She's 14, she doesn't have that option.

I'm sure you brought her up with the intention that she should be a confident, kind, and self assured person. This is what she is trying to be. You have to let her test the water a bit with her friends.

Worry not, as in 2 years time you will hear the sound of 5 young people rustling through your cupboards at 2 am and the only feeling you will have is gratitude that your daughter has got home safely! At least you don't have boys, a weeks worth of supermarket shopping is nothing to them Grin

soulrider · 01/07/2018 17:10

your daughter is 14 now and (in my opinion) has a right to host friends at your house

Hosting does not involve sending your guests to the fridge themselves though does it?

Pengggwn · 01/07/2018 17:11

They were certainly rude, but I think you have deeply humiliated her. Sad

crispysausagerolls · 01/07/2018 17:16

Being welcome in someone's home doesn't extend to wandering into their kitchen and helping yourself to food

They didn’t wander in - DD told them to go in and make the bagels, and they made one for her and her younger sister too ffs. No need to humiliate them. Don’t you remember being a teenager? For all you know they were reticent and asked “are you sure it’s ok?” several times (I would have), and DD convinced them it was fine. As I’m sure she thought it was.

TwinkleToes86 · 01/07/2018 17:17

Your were unfair to have a go at the friends. They obviously thought it was okay to make the bagels because your DD told them to do this. They also probably thought they were doing a nice thing by making food for your DD and her sister.

You should have waited till the friends had gone home and reminded your DD you don’t have much money and telling her friends to help themselves was out of order. By having a go at the friends, you’ve most likely unnecessarily embarrassed your DD.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/07/2018 17:17

@Katedotness He was over one night and we ordered a takeaway, I was doing something when the food arrived but told everyone else to eat while it was still hot. Got to the table to find the friend had eaten my dinner too!

And this is what I don't get - that this lad had no cognitive ability to realise that the food wasn't solely for him and that you had yet to eat.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/07/2018 17:18

Hosting does not involve sending your guests to the fridge themselves though does it?

It does, there's different types of hosting, with close friends, "go feed yourself whilst I'm busy getting ready" is completely appropriate.

The only problem here is that food is limited because the family can't afford it, whilst the DD should be allowed to host guests and offer them food, where it can't be afforded the DD also needs to take that responsibility to ensure the family doesn't go hungry / overspend.

JaneyEJones · 01/07/2018 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LockedOutOfMN · 01/07/2018 17:23

I've only read the OP. So your daughter's friends came round at what, 1pm? So presumably hadn't had lunch yet. They were waiting for your daughter to get ready, which seems rather rude of your daughter if she'd invited them to arrive at that time. If the friends were invited round to your home - albeit by your daughter, not by you - at 1pm, I think they were NU to expect to be offered lunch.

I would speak to your daughter and ask her not to invite friends round at mealtimes in future as you cannot afford to feed them. Also make sure she is not going to their houses asking for food.

Also, please apologise for telling them off. The only person who needs telling off here is your own daughter. YWBVU.

NameChangeUni · 01/07/2018 17:30

It’s not the guests fault if your daughter gave them the ‘okay’ to make themselves whatever they want. At 14 when I had friends over I could easily set boundaries with my friends, eg don’t have that, get a bowl instead of eating out the ice cream tub etc. So did my friends

noeffingidea · 01/07/2018 17:30

Don't you remember being a teenager
Yes I do. It never involved wandering into a friends kitchen and getting food out without asking permission though, no matter what the friend said.
I wouldn't have expected or asked for food unless I was invited for a meal, and I still wouldn't. It's just taking liberties really. Being offered a cup of tea or coffee/soft drink and a couple of biscuits is very nice and hospitable though.

lapenguin · 01/07/2018 17:31

Try and think of it as them being responsible for making food and setting an example to your daughter rather than rummaging through your cupboards. It sounds as if they knew what they were asked to make by your DD and didn't just look through everything and decide to take any old random thing. Also maybe they don't have to ask in their homes? At my friend's houses I was always told to help myself to whatever. I always asked my friends first but I was able to go make myself a drink etc without worry. It was your DDs bagels, she will just have to go without. Explain to her that money is tight. But maybe go to Aldi or lidl or something and pick up some foods you can have on hand for if her friend turn up? Maybe buy some things you can keep in fridge as backup?
Also maybe look at doing your shop somewhere else if you are on a really low budget, I'm assuming by the delivery it isn't somewhere like aldi? Even getting your basic items there can save money.