Friends husband & Wattsapp

[user7469322]

My friends husband wattsapps me photos and videos quite regularly. We have daft (and very brief) conversations about the stuff he sends. They’re just humorous, they make me laugh and absorb some of the boredom from my day. I don’t want my friend to get the wrong idea (although I don’t think she would but might wonder why she wasn’t aware?), should I mention it to her? My own husband regularly has text conversations with another woman of which he doesn’t know I know (this isn’t the point of this post though), so I feel I should be honest with my friend (of which I am all the time anyway as she has trust issues) but I really don’t want her to think I’ve been coming on to him as he’s not my sort, I’m not his sort and it’s 101% platonic friendship on my side. I know how I feel knowing my husband messages this other girl and although not the same sort of messages, I’d hate my friend to feel the same. How to approach?

Juells

I'm quite fixed on things like this. Trust does not mean telling each other everything.

I also hate the MN double standard in places of 'woman doesn't trust OP texting female friends = he should show some respect, stop texting and she should look through his phone' vs 'man tells the OP he's unhappy with her messaging male friend = look how controlling he is, that's emotional abuse, get your ducks in a row'.

In my opinion, the fact the OP is even asking suggests that she's quite enjoying a bit of attention from this man (even if she's not interested in pursuing it), which case she should stop the messages because she's playing with fire.

You keep on saying you have absolutely no interest in him and I believe you.

I think a tiny part of you thinks he may be interested in you, which is why you need to close this down, even if you find it flattering.

@MaisyPops

I take your last comment on board, however it is inaccurate, and will scrap the suggestion of the shared wattsapp group and tell him to stop messaging me.

I don't know how WhatsApp works but (if it's similar to FB messenger) could you start a new chat next time you have something to say or a funny meme and send it to them both together? Perhaps he'd then start replying there and there'd be no reason to worry.

It's much simpler than you're making it OP (imo anyway).

There's no reason (that I can see) for telling him to stop messaging you because that creates an issue, which in turn makes an issue for your friend.

If you want drama then sure, tell your friend about your 1-1 messages, get into how much you don't want him, tell him outright ypu don't think it's right he's messaging you. All of those options (which you seem to prefer) will create drama.

Or, if you don't want drama, keep being friends with him, be mindful on your messaging and just get on with being platonic friends.

It does seem like you're seeking for a situation which implies the DH is wrong/inappropriate because he might fancy you.

@MaisyPops

I said to stop messaging because if you, as an anon person on the web who doesn’t know me or him, thinks that I’m enjoying the attention and such, then (in my mind) what might his wife think if she thought boundaries had been crossed. I’m trying to avoid drama, fwiw, and this is my way of doing so. Maybe I’m wrong from what you’ve put in your 2nd post. Thanks fir your reply though.

And, he doesn’t ‘fancy’ me. That I can categorically state as fact.

Duchess,

In your OP you said: "I know how I feel knowing my husband messages this other girl and although not the same sort of messages, I’d hate my friend to feel the same."

I am not a psychologist, but I think your worries about this messaging with your friend's husband are really about the messaging your husband is engaged in. What is it about his messages with this other woman that you don't like? And why, instead of worrying about your own messages which you're sure are completely innocent on both sides, don't you challenge him about this?

I agree with burning, I think your feelings about your DH's messages are getting mixed in with this.

It does sound as though there's a bit of tit for tat, your DH is messaging a woman and now you're messaging a man. I can't remember if you mentioned this but does your DH know?

@BurningTheToast

As I say in the op, the messages between my husband and the friend are not what I’m discussing here. I really don’t want to go in to that as its a whole different thread. But in short, in short, if my husband weren’t messaging the other person, I’d still be asking the question I originally asked because I care about my friend and her feelings.

@PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox

My husband is aware that I get wattsapp messages from friends husband, yes.

duchess
But why the need to say anything? That's what I'm questioning.

What does anyone gain from creating a potentially dramatic situation to the effect of 'stop messaging me'? In that situation the conversation is only going to go a few way ps and it'll come down to 'you shouldn't message me because it might look like we fancy each other'.

The existence of you both messaging each other isn't what creates the impression that you might be enjoying the attention, it's the way you talk about it like it's something potentially scandalous or something that needs revealing etc.

Put it this way: hypothetical

My DH is texting a female friend. We both know her and get on. He doesn't tell me every time they text, why would he? If I found they had been texting platonically then NOTHING would go through my head other than 'oh they're messaging daft memes'.

If the female friend was all 'I'm texting Maisy's husband but now I feel bad because I know he hasn't told Maisie that we text and our messages are funny and friendly, but I'm totally not interested in him at all. Should I come clean to Maisy about texting her husband? Or should I tell Maisy's husband that he shouldn't be texting me anymore?' then I would take that as the friend enjoying the thrill, attention and potential drama.

If it's a wholly platonic friendship then there doesn't need to be a confession, there doesn't need to be a coming clean, there doesn't need to be a group chat, there doesn't need to be a discussion about why he should stop texting you. You would carry on as normal, but probably be a bit mindful about the frequency of the messages. The fact you think there's something to debate/confess/have a conversation about makes it seem like there's more to it.

@MaisyPops

Ok I see your point, I perhaps misunderstood when you said “she should stop the messages because she's playing with fire”. I’m just worried somewhat that if I said to friend “oh yes your husband sent me this meme, that just reminded me” (or words to that affect), she’d think “you’ve been texting???” and I don’t want her to doubt anyone’s intentions.

But I get where you’re coming from so thankyou.

Why doesn't your DH know that YOU know he's messaging another woman?

It's all very odd.

@PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox

Because I’ve not told him. I’m trying to gather evidence (if you like) before I confront him otherwise he’ll make out I’m deluded and deny everything. Thanks for asking.

DuchessOfNowhereButMyGarden
Yeah. What I mean is that if you'd be happy with your messages coming up in conversation and would happily refer to them, then there's nothing to do about it. Keep being friends and messaging.

If you wouldn't be comfortable with it (for whatever reason) then that's the point where you should back off. It doesn't require a sit down and chat, but a cooling off and more conscious boundaries may be beneficial.

@MaisyPops

Thanks, everything you’ve said duly noted.

Why do you keep calling it wattsapp?

you know watt she means, though.

@CallMeLolit
Because that’s what it’s called?

It's actually Whatsapp duchess, but no-one else cares enough to correct you because it's irrelevant and we all know what you mean. And correcting people just to make yourself feel clever is really rude.

Picky sod @CallMeLolita, pronounced the same but misspelt, who gives a 💩

I was confused as it literally even says it on the app what it’s called.

Oh well, at least you know it’s called WhatsApp.

I’ll just continue with ‘wattsapp’ as that’s in my auto correct now anyway!! Not the end of the world👍🏻

Sorry if I've missed it, but why do you think she doesn't know about these messages? If I was in your shoes, it wouldn't occur to me to second-guess whether their wife knew/didn't know/was happy/not happy about it - I would assume that they were managing their own relationship appropriately and either way I wouldn't consider it none of my business.

I think the OP is just being careful. Some women aren't comfortable with their husbands messaging other women, even with common friends.

I think that's all there is to this.

Thanks Serendipite, that sums it up beautifully.