I'm your Mil ask me anything

[Milfromhades]

I don't think iabu to rearrange your knicker drawer, just being helpful! Any questions on how to be a good mummy or what amount of sugar is appropriate for a 2 year old?

How have you managed to keep this thread in AIBU when all the other AMAs have been shoved in their own little out-of-the-way AMA section so we don't have to see them.?
I think its because people such as yourself keep asking questions and so delaying the move.

Why are you such a bitch?

You say you have tips on how to whiten nets: do you think you could pass them on to the Queen? Because my MIL was disgusted at the state of the ones at Buckingham Palace and would have told the soldiers on duty, had we not hustled her away so quickly.

How long are you going to sulk for and what is your problem with my mother?

Why are you such a bitch?
Being a bitch is quite a positive thing these days, at least according to Rupaul's drag race.

• (She stole my look).

You say you have tips on how to whiten nets: do you think you could pass them on to the Queen? Because my MIL was disgusted at the state of the ones at Buckingham Palace and would have told the soldiers on duty, had we not hustled her away so quickly.
Dearie me, the nets not white at Buckingham Palace! I blame that Camilla.

How long are you going to sulk for and what is your problem with my mother?
As long as it takes, she knows what she's done.

When are you going to dump FIL?

What on Earth possessed you to allow your 1 year old grandson to eat crayons? Why did deny all knowledge when I came to pick him up and his mouth looked like he'd eaten the fucking rainbow?

When are you going to dump FIL?
He won't get rid of me that easily, dear. I prefer to stay with him and make his life a misery. Its the Christian way.

What on Earth possessed you to allow your 1 year old grandson to eat crayons? Why did deny all knowledge when I came to pick him up and his mouth looked like he'd eaten the fucking rainbow?
Yes I thought eating the rainbow was encouraged these days. Perhaps if you had let me give him the big bag of Smarties I bought him he wouldn't have needed to fill up on crayons. Just saying.

There have been a number of threads about MiLs recently and I thought maybe I should resurrect my thread as a way to help improve mil/dil relations.
I learned most of my MiL skills from my own MiL. She was a stern woman with a face like an angry wasp, the scourge of her local WI. Her rock buns were legendary and people would go miles to avoid them. Other hobbies were boiling her whites and writing short sharp letters to the local paper. She was always ready to advise me as a young mum myself. I remember her saying to me, "Bertha, if you want something done properly, you have to do it yourself!" Of course this was a little hurtful just after I had served up the Christmas Dinner, but good advice is good advice.
Other maxims of hers were 'early to bed, early to rise', 'the devil makes work for idle hands' and 'never trust a man with an odd head'.
I have to say she inspired respect more than love and I often used to slip out the back when I saw her coming up the road. Nevertheless I learned to rub along quite well with her, the secret being to have a big nip of gin before any family gathering and add a couple of extra slugs of sherry to my portion of trifle before serving up.
Being a modern woman I have a more tolerant attitude toward my own dDils but I do have high standards, and there is no need for sloppiness or letting yourself go.
Any more questions? I am also ready to commiserate and advise other MiLs who may be having trouble with their own DiL.

Why don’t you wash? Like, EVER??

Why don’t you wash? Like, EVER??
You can be too clean you know. I like to think people will get used to the smell after a few hours anyway.

Why have you dyed your hair yellow?

When you straighten it, you look like Worzel Gummidge.

Also, will you please stop going on quiz shows. Your general knowledge is appalling, and you're so rude to the other contestants it's embarrassing.

Why do you pretend it's not you when you fart in the car?

Why have you dyed your hair yellow?

Golden blonde

Also, will you please stop going on quiz shows. Your general knowledge is appalling, and you're so rude to the other contestants it's embarrassing.

Yet Jeremy Paxman gets lots of positive comments for exactly this on University challenge. I call it sexism!

When you chose the photo of me with the veil over my face as your favourite from our wedding, were you being deliberately unpleasant?

Why do you pretend it's not you when you fart in the car?
I like to call it passing wind.

When you chose the photo of me with the veil over my face as your favourite from our wedding, were you being deliberately unpleasant?
Its not my fault you have that unfortunate nose, dear. No need to take offense at my little joke!

Why do you ignore every single thing I say in regards to bringing up your grandchild?! Also, why did you pick that colour for your new living room?

Why do you ignore every single thing I say in regards to bringing up your grandchild?!
I don't ignore you dear, I just don't like your prissy modern ideas. A good smack and a pound of pick and mix never did my dc any harm!
Also, why did you pick that colour for your new living room?
Something I saw on Homes under the Hammer.

Just fuck off MIL.
For many many reasons.
I’d be here all night but I need to sleep.
How dare you mention things to my husband while I’m not there wrapping it up in “ concern” making sure it comes back to me, knowing full well I DONT want to hear absolute the shitty “pleasantries” you have with my toxic parents, or about your hospital gossip and how “wonderful” a worker you are, when you refuse to do more than the basics required. I hear so much about you, it’s painful.
You are toxic.

Er, sorry, bad day.
But please answer if I’m BU xxxx