Five year old waking me up early

[Jessie1991]

Hi there

I'm new here and not actually a parent; I'm a step parent to a lovely five year old girl, of whom I am very fond of. I just have a bit of a niggle which I am unsure of how to approach, as I don't have children, nor do I have younger siblings/younger family members, so I really am ill-equipped to understand what demands are reasonable when it comes to children, so please forgive any ignorance that I may demonstrate.

My partner's five year old is a very sweet girl, but she wakes up at about 6am (if I'm lucky!) and immediately comes through to our bedroom for 'cuddles' with her mother and I. Now I'm guessing most of you will be familiar with the fact that 'cuddles' in bed with a child usually means an elbow in the face, feet in your neck, lots of wiggling and generally an abrupt end to your peaceful night's sleep grin . She also chats a lot during this time, and lifts off my sleep mask (I need a sleep mask to block out the light and keep me asleep) ensuring thatI wake up, if the wiggling, elbow poking and chatting fails to do so sufficiently.
This may sound quite trivial to many of you, but this does prove to be problematic for me, as I suffer from chronic insomnia, and no matter how early I go to bed, I can often find that I do not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning (anytime between 2am and 5am), and when she's staying over with us (which is anywhere between three and seven days in a row) the repeated nights of having an average of three hours' sleep really makes me feel unwell and unhappy. I find I have a shorter temper and it reduces the quality of my life significantly. Newer research is also proving that long term lack of sleep is extremely detrimental to your health, increasing the risk of a lot of deadly diseases, so I don't feel that lack of sleep is an issue that should be ignored or taken lightly.
My conflict with this arises with the fact that I am aware that I don't feel that it is my place to prevent her from coming into her mother's bedroom to cuddle her in the morning, when this is obviously a routine that they have had for quite some time. Before I came along this was 'their time' that they had together in the morning, baring in mind that they don't spend everyday together due to sharing custody etc. and I am mindful of that.
I am due to move in with my partner in July, so this will be a more long term, persistent issue, that will mean that for 3-7 days per week, every week, I will not have anywhere near enough sleep, and will feel like utter crap. Also, I feel this could be really detrimental to my work life, especially if i'm required to work late, and need the time in the early morning to sleep. I hate to admit this to myself but the amount these unwanted early awakenings are making me suffer are beginning to cause me to feel a little resentment building, and this can't ever lead anywhere positive. It often takes me a few days to get over her visits and catch up on the lost sleep, and then she's back again. Don't get me wrong, she's lovely and I enjoy her company, but I struggle with how appalling I feel with the persistent lack of sleep when she's there.

I'm therefore looking for a resolve to this situation, but I'm not sure if requesting that the child doesn't come into the bedroom until a certain time (or at all wink ) is fair to the child, or reasonable? As I have said, I don't have kids (nor do I want to) so I don't know what is normal or reasonable to expect from them. I just know that I cannot exist happily with this lack of sleep, so need some help in formulating a reasonable solution/compromise whereby everyone's needs are accounted for.

Any advice welcome smile

Sleep in the spare room.

I think... it’s her mum, my children(5 and nearly 2) also wake early and come into my room for cuddles and it’s bloody tough, I’m sorry it sounds harsh but if her mum is okay with it then it’s not your problem, go back to sleeping alone, I get it, I have trouble sleeping but if someone tried to tell me my children couldn’t come in for a cuddle when they wanted to(or at all!) I would just end it. Especially if you have a short temper and resentment building. Sorry, it might not be what you want to hear.

It's a common factor for parents. Most of us just battle through this phase. It's hard and tiring but it's normal.

If you don't think you can cope with it and your partner DOES feel comfy with it then you have two options.

Sleep in another room or end the relationship.

If you're worried about losing intimacy with your partner, you could start off in the same bed and then go to the spare room after a while. Have your evening closeness with your partner and then retreat.

YABU. If you don't like how they do things (the "their time"), then you don't move in together. You don't wade in and start changing things.

This is what 5 year olds do 😀
I would sleep in the spare room occasionally.

Welcome to life with kids
Seriously though, you may want to sleep in the spare room.

It is very tough living with sleep deprivation. That said, it wouldn’t be reasonable to ask a 5 year old to stop coming through for cuddles. Some compromise may be possible though. Could you and her Mum talk to her and say that’s she’s always welcome in beside you but to try and not wake you up, eg don’t touch Jessie’s face mask? You will still get elbows and feet in your face probably but it should be accidental prods rather than actively trying to wake you up. My 4 year old would get that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Have a chat with her mum and see what she suggests too. Waking up early could also be affecting the child negatively too. Just a thought, have you heard of a grow clock? It is an interactive alarm clock that can help keep kids in bed until a better time. You could also look at adjusting her sleeping pattern. Maybe if she is approaching a birthday you could suggest a later bed time but later wake up time too. Good luck!

Wow there have been a lot of verging on angry, and judgmental comments here, and a lot of other assumptions (such as the one about the spare room... we don't have one).

I love my partner and her child very much, and I really am not considering leaving the relationship over this. I thought I had also made it quite clear in my original post how respectful I am of the time spent between my partner and her child, and how reluctant I am to encroach upon that. (Yes SmashedMug, my 'their time' comment was actually out of respect, not resentment. Don't get me wrong here).

I wasn't suggesting that my partner never cuddle her child in the morning either. I was simply suggesting that maybe putting a time limit on her coming into the room wouldn't be too terrible, perhaps? Like 8am intead of 5am/6am? Sometimes I work late shifts and night shifts and don't get into bed until 3am because of this. I was wondering if there was a reasonable way to compromise? It isn't that I take issue with her child, I actually would enjoy her coming into the bedroom for a cuddle a little later on. I simply cannot function on 2 hours sleep seven days consecutively, along with holding down a full time job. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel a few times due to this. Surely a child's needs don't precede so drastically over those of an adult that their trivial requirements take precedent over the adult's serious needs to the extent that a compromise is totally out of the question?

If future posters would like to give advice, please don't give unhelpful 'just leave the relationship' type of advice please. God knows how anyone who suggested this has made a relationship last if this is your first response to any sort of challenge or conflict of interests.

So basically, despite not knowing anything about children you just came on here to be told you're right and the child has to change.

Nope. When you get into a relationship with someone with children you have to bend around the children. Your needs come after theirs. If your partner agrees with it, you could push her daughter's get-up time to 7am and buy her a Gro-clock to tell her when that is, but that's not really going to solve the problem, is it, if you're not going to bed until 3?

The problem isn't the child. The problem is that your hours and your insomnia are incompatible with a household with children on a normal schedule. That's your problem to solve, not this child's, either by sleeping in another room or not moving in.

poiuytrewqlkjhgfdsa and Isthisaproblem, Thank you for your messages! I didn't see these before I posted my most recent response.

These posts were both helpful and informative.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression by my question. My post was all about being respectful of the child's relationship with her parents and her current routine which I don't want to disrupt. I was requesting for ideas on how to balance this with my need for sleep, also. This wasn't a post about how I can completely impose my ideal routine onto a five year old child and my partner. I did take the time to make that clear in my original post. Defensive and 'just leave the relationship if you aren't happy' kind of responses aren't helpful or necessary, really.

I didn't imply resentment. I used your words to describe their time together as example of the way they do things. Resentment will be created when the first thing you do on moving in is start changing the special moments they have together. A five year old will already be adjusting to someone moving in without adding suddenly being not allowed to wander into her mums bedroom for her morning cuddle until a certain time.

If you can't cope with the fact children get up early and children want a cuddle when they get up, you don't move in with someone who has children.

And if you're nearly falling asleep at the wheel because of lack of sleep, why on earth are you still staying over? I'm so glad other people's lives are being put in danger just so you can share a bed with your partner for a few hours.

I get that this is challenging but I don't know of any 5 year olds who would stay in their own bedrooms until as late as 8 am. without any kind of interaction with a parent/carer. I guess people who have partners who work nights might have some solutions. Maybe your partner could snuggle with her daughter in her bed leaving you to sleep on? Hope you can find a solution to suit you all

6am would’ve been a lie-in with my three DC! Children wake early, it’s normal for them to come into bed in the morning. Go to bed earlier or sleep elsewhere.

Nobody's being defensive. We don't need to defend anyone. It's not our problem.

If you don't like it, talk to her Mother about it.

Most parents don't get lie ins I'm afraid and if you move in with a child you basically become a parent.
Get help for your insomnia.
Speak to your partner and ask if it would help if the child went to bed an hour later or had a grow clock in her room.
Other than that I'd have to say, tough shit sorry!

You are lucky she's not waking up earlier at this time of year. the problem is with your sleep pattern/insomnia, not with her. I adjust my sleep pattern to fit in with my daughter's, if I don't and stay up late, I'll know she'll be up by 6.30am and I suck it up, it's what young children do. The late shifts may be contributing to your insomnia. You need to deal with your insomnia, if you went to bed/sleep at 10pm then a 6am wakeup would be perfect. The book the Effortless Sleep Method cured my insomnia for good (written by a chronic insomniac). Also, when my daughter wakes early, me and my husband share lie ins so one will get up with her while the other one goes back to sleep for another sleep cycle (1.5 hours or so). Is that an option?

Unfortunately, children do wake up really early. I don't think you could ask her to not come in until 8am because that would mean 2 hours on her own.
My son is 6 and wakes up at 6:30, my daughter is 20 months and wakes up anytime from 5:50-7.
It's harder for you because of your sleep problems and shift work, apart from having some day naps or maybe going back to sleep 8-10am, I'm afraid I'm not sure what to suggest, it's a difficult situation.

If it was my DC, I would set a time limit or tell them if they do come in they have to lie still, don’t talk, etc. BUT if I was entering into a relationship with someone, I wouldn’t try to change this.

There are probably lots of things to try to stop the early starts affecting you but it’s got to be your partners decidion, not yours. If she is happy with this set up (personally I wouldn’t be but there are probably lots of things I do as a parent that others wouldn’t) there isn’t much you can do.

I can understand you not liking it and as a permanent thing it will probably lead to resentment within the relationship.

Is your partner willing to go into her DDs bed instead for cuddles, early morning chatting and leave you to sleep?

Is there another room where you can put an air bed to sleep?

8am is really really late for a 5 year old. Honestly, 6am is entirely normal and not something to be fixed.

I think you'll have to accept that it's just what kids do. Why not sneak of to the spare room or kids room for an extra hours kip?

Yy to the spare room. You sound switched on. She won't be this little for long, so it's only a temporary measure in the grand scheme of things.

My children would be sent back to bed at that hour. I honestly do not know why people get up so early with their kids.

I'm afraid it's just something that comes with kids.

6am was fairly normal in our house really, could be even earlier in summer!

We didn't have a spare room either, so my DH used to have a blow up mattress under the bed and roll onto that when the kids appeared in the morning lol

I don't see many 'angry' responses.

I think you'd be totally unreasonable to enter her children's lives and demand they change their routine to suit you. If there's no spare room, I suggest you postpone moving in together until they're a bit older and sleeping for longer, especially if it's already causing you resentment.

Yes, sleep deprivation is hard. I've had 6 years of it. I desperately need need sleep too, unfortunately you sometimes don't get the option with young kids. I don't think any parents of young kids 'take it lightly', and I imagine it affects nearly 100% of their qualities of life. In fact, your partner is probably pretty sleep deprived too.