Five year old waking me up early

[Jessie1991]

Hi there

I'm new here and not actually a parent; I'm a step parent to a lovely five year old girl, of whom I am very fond of. I just have a bit of a niggle which I am unsure of how to approach, as I don't have children, nor do I have younger siblings/younger family members, so I really am ill-equipped to understand what demands are reasonable when it comes to children, so please forgive any ignorance that I may demonstrate.

My partner's five year old is a very sweet girl, but she wakes up at about 6am (if I'm lucky!) and immediately comes through to our bedroom for 'cuddles' with her mother and I. Now I'm guessing most of you will be familiar with the fact that 'cuddles' in bed with a child usually means an elbow in the face, feet in your neck, lots of wiggling and generally an abrupt end to your peaceful night's sleep grin . She also chats a lot during this time, and lifts off my sleep mask (I need a sleep mask to block out the light and keep me asleep) ensuring thatI wake up, if the wiggling, elbow poking and chatting fails to do so sufficiently.
This may sound quite trivial to many of you, but this does prove to be problematic for me, as I suffer from chronic insomnia, and no matter how early I go to bed, I can often find that I do not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning (anytime between 2am and 5am), and when she's staying over with us (which is anywhere between three and seven days in a row) the repeated nights of having an average of three hours' sleep really makes me feel unwell and unhappy. I find I have a shorter temper and it reduces the quality of my life significantly. Newer research is also proving that long term lack of sleep is extremely detrimental to your health, increasing the risk of a lot of deadly diseases, so I don't feel that lack of sleep is an issue that should be ignored or taken lightly.
My conflict with this arises with the fact that I am aware that I don't feel that it is my place to prevent her from coming into her mother's bedroom to cuddle her in the morning, when this is obviously a routine that they have had for quite some time. Before I came along this was 'their time' that they had together in the morning, baring in mind that they don't spend everyday together due to sharing custody etc. and I am mindful of that.
I am due to move in with my partner in July, so this will be a more long term, persistent issue, that will mean that for 3-7 days per week, every week, I will not have anywhere near enough sleep, and will feel like utter crap. Also, I feel this could be really detrimental to my work life, especially if i'm required to work late, and need the time in the early morning to sleep. I hate to admit this to myself but the amount these unwanted early awakenings are making me suffer are beginning to cause me to feel a little resentment building, and this can't ever lead anywhere positive. It often takes me a few days to get over her visits and catch up on the lost sleep, and then she's back again. Don't get me wrong, she's lovely and I enjoy her company, but I struggle with how appalling I feel with the persistent lack of sleep when she's there.

I'm therefore looking for a resolve to this situation, but I'm not sure if requesting that the child doesn't come into the bedroom until a certain time (or at all wink ) is fair to the child, or reasonable? As I have said, I don't have kids (nor do I want to) so I don't know what is normal or reasonable to expect from them. I just know that I cannot exist happily with this lack of sleep, so need some help in formulating a reasonable solution/compromise whereby everyone's needs are accounted for.

Any advice welcome smile

SmashedMug, your judgement and hostility isn't very helpful, so I'm not requesting any further 'advice' from you at this point.
I'd like to remind everyone that I am posting this question so that I am able to make suggestions that are completely reasonable for the child. So, yes, whilst I would like to have a few more hours' sleep, I would like to achieve this through making reasonable suggestions that don't thwart the child's interest in any way. I love this child and she loves me, this really isn't an 'evil step-mum vs poor step-child' kind of situation, and I have attempted to make this as clear as possible.

I understand that it is normal for children to wake up early. I think her mother would of course be open to have a discussion about this, I did only post this query in order to find a ball point of where to set the conversation and what suggestions would be reasonable to make, as I've already acknowledged that I am not familiar with children and don't necessarily know what would constitute 'reasonable'. I wasn't sure if 8am would be too late, hence my asking the question to current parents, and it seems many of you think this is the case. I understand that there isn't a miracle solution for this, and that I will find that I have less sleep when the kid comes over to stay. I can cope with that.

Thank you to everyone who has produced helpful, fair and non-judgmental advice, that stretches beyond the 'just put up with it or leave' narrative. Some of you have made suggestions and provided useful insight to me about what is reasonable, and I have found it really useful and informative.

Maybe you could talk to her mum about using a gro clock? I think maybe say from 7am she can come and join you but if she wakes before that she needs to entertain herself quietly in her own room.

What time does she go to bed? If she has a long, active day and gets put to bed later she should (in theory!) sleep later in the morning. Maybe adjust her bedtime by half an hour/an hour.

Are you on medication for your insomnia at all? I'm a sufferer too and I know how horrendous it can be. Baclofen makes a massive difference. I officially take it for leg cramps but it really helps me switch off without making me feel any groggier in the mornings as some meds do.

I can’t think of any five year old that stays in their room until 8am. They are all up at the crack of dawn - that’s what kids do I’m afraid.
You either need to grin and bear it or find somewhere else to sleep for a few nights a week. Or are a GP for more help with your insomnia.
Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but banning a 5yo from the room will only cause a whole host of other problems - her feeling very insecure after you move in etc.
Sorry, but kids do just get up this early.

Some children do get up early. My husband works shifts and if he is on a night shift he sleeps during the day once our children are up.

If no spare room, can you sleep wherever the child sleeps and she can go in with her mother? Maybe not every night but enough to let you catch up on sleep sometimes.

Before you move in with your partner and her daughter you should read some books on child development, OP. Kids have to be at school by 8.45 on average in the UK, so they're up well, well before 8. IIRC, the average 5YO needs 11 hours sleep a night, assuming they no longer have a daytime nap, and the average sleeping hours for them are 7PM-6AM.
Five year olds are also not good at looking after themselves. So lots of parents enjoy the cuddles and a bit more sleep rather than getting up right away with them.
In your shoes I'd roll out of bed and into the 5YO's bed to give your partner and her daughter 1:1 time.

My 4 year old is an early riser, usually waking between 5-5.30am.

Before me and my husband go up to bed we leave a tray out in his bedroom with a bowl of cereal on it, his vitamins, a drink and the iPad. He knows that regardless of what time he wakes up he doesn’t disturb us until 7am.

He’s quite content seeing to himself in the morning with his cereal and iPad and it works well for us.

Could your partner and her daughter sleep together in the double bed on the nights she’s with you? That way you can sleep in her daughter’s room and not be disturbed in the morning?

QueenofmyPrinces That was a really helpful post to read. I think I will have to on my really late shifts swap with her daughter. But maybe on some days we could come up with a similar arrangement to what you have with your 4y/o :)

Queen you honestly leave them to crack on with an iPad until 7am potentially 2 hours every day? That's just so sad and actually don't you worry they'll do themselves some harm.

Please don’t suggest leaving her child with an iPad and bowl of cereal. That’s horrible.

Could you compromise by asking the kid to stay on the other side of her mum, so mum is in the middle, to minimise the kicking/elbowing.

Obviously pulling off the sleep mask and actively trying to wake you up has to stop, so early. That's a pisstake and a 5 year old should understand & respect that.

Re: the chatting, ask your DP to shush her and get her to whisper rather than have a full on chat. If she doesn't, then at 5-6am, she's a pisstaker too.

Everyone I know tries to get their kids to go back to sleep or lie quietly having cuddles rather than let them carry on like that, at that time of the morning.

The same way you are expected to suck this up or compromise, your DP should too, there is another person there now, who needs to work - which I'm sure she benefits from - (not just her & her dd) who's needs should be considered, respected and compromised for.

It's pretty selfish otherwise, imo.

@Figgygal before you posted I just KNEW someone was going to come on and be ridiculous about that very sensible route to take.

Did no-one else know not to go and wake mammy and daddy up at the crack of dawn every morning? I played with my dolls house or read when I woke up early. The horror.

Your DP could go for cuddles into her DD's room or you could go to sleep in DD's bed and they cuddle in the other?

Ah thank you Eliza and Pandorific. I am so glad to see that my attempt to find a compromise in this situation isn't completely out of line! I was really starting to worry with some of the comments and suggestions!
I do appreciate that kids come first, but not to the extent that I'm not considered to the point whereby the child affects my sleep so much that it affects my ability to work etc which seems to be what some are suggesting.

You just sound completely incompatible.

You need to address why you're not getting to sleep until 3-5am some days - that's not the child's fault and I have very little sympathy with you trying to change her habits when she gets up at a normal time for the UK . You need to see your GP.

Also, you say you never wanted kids, but you've chosen to enter a relationship with someone with a kid, and so now you do. And your partner's child will always come before you.

You sound very controlling towards this poor child. I feel sorry for her.

But it's not the child affecting your sleep 'so much' - it's your insomnia! That's what is affecting your ability to work.

You need to take steps to deal with your insomnia. That is what is making your life difficult not a child and partner who are getting up at a pretty normal time for a child of that age.

^^^ This exactly.

If you went to bed at a normal time, you would get a normal amount of sleep.

It's not the child stopping you getting a decent amount of sleep, it's you.

So I'm afraid, yes, you are being completely unreasonable and the child's needs absolutely come above yours.

You're choosing to move into her home, she's not moving into yours.

So long as she's going to bed at a decent time to get enough sleep, 6am is sadly normal.

If I were you I'd say do what you can to improve your own sleep - earplugs earlier nights, no booze etc

Or ask her mum to get up with her every morning. If my DH did this mind and slept in till 8am our marriage wouldn't last long...but you could always ask.

Can you take further steps to sort out your insomnia? Or as pp have said, when the little girl comes in you could nip out and sleep in her bed.

What you can't go is expect your partner and her child to rearrange their routine around yours. So far you've taken the attitude that everyone on this thread who disagrees with you (most people) is being unreasonable, which doesn't bode well for your ability to compromise

SmashedMug, your judgement and hostility isn't very helpful, so I'm not requesting any further 'advice' from you at this point.

No hostility. Definitely judgement because you're driving dangerously and blaming a child for it 😂

It irritates me that such stupid people are driving around in killing machines daily.

I'm not sure how much can be done here. The child's routine is perfectly normal. You might be able to get an extra half an hour out of her, but that's all that would be reasonable.

Your own sleeping routine isn't standard and it's not very compatible with the child's.

It's you that needs to make the change here I'm afraid. Either by going to bed earlier or making different sleeping arrangements.

I think PPs are being a bit harsh OP. Chronic sleep deprivation is a problem and it doesn't sound like it's safe for you to continue.

I don't see why your partner's daughter can't learn to come in a little later - at least 7, if not 8. Can she tell the time on a digital clock? If so she could be taught that until the specified time she can play in her room etc, but she can't come into yours until a bit later. There are also non-time telling clocks that light up etc to help kids who can't tell the time when something is happening.

For what it's worth there was another thread on this subject recently where a mum was asking the exact same question you have in respect of her 4 year old. She got very different responses - much more helpful and supportive, with lots of practical advice about helping her child stay in their room longer. I think you are experiencing prejudice because you're not the mother of the child, and I don't think that's fair.

"I am able to make suggestions that are completely reasonable for the child."

But what's reasonable for the DD is to accept that her behaviour (and her Mum's response to it) is perfectly normal, healthy behaviour for a small child.

As others have said, it's your own poor sleep that is the problem. It isn't fair on the kid to take it out on her by banning her and her Mum from cuddling up in bed in their own home because of it.

When the daughter gets into your bed why don't you just get into hers? Seems the easiest option.