Five year old waking me up early

[Jessie1991]

Hi there

I'm new here and not actually a parent; I'm a step parent to a lovely five year old girl, of whom I am very fond of. I just have a bit of a niggle which I am unsure of how to approach, as I don't have children, nor do I have younger siblings/younger family members, so I really am ill-equipped to understand what demands are reasonable when it comes to children, so please forgive any ignorance that I may demonstrate.

My partner's five year old is a very sweet girl, but she wakes up at about 6am (if I'm lucky!) and immediately comes through to our bedroom for 'cuddles' with her mother and I. Now I'm guessing most of you will be familiar with the fact that 'cuddles' in bed with a child usually means an elbow in the face, feet in your neck, lots of wiggling and generally an abrupt end to your peaceful night's sleep grin . She also chats a lot during this time, and lifts off my sleep mask (I need a sleep mask to block out the light and keep me asleep) ensuring thatI wake up, if the wiggling, elbow poking and chatting fails to do so sufficiently.
This may sound quite trivial to many of you, but this does prove to be problematic for me, as I suffer from chronic insomnia, and no matter how early I go to bed, I can often find that I do not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning (anytime between 2am and 5am), and when she's staying over with us (which is anywhere between three and seven days in a row) the repeated nights of having an average of three hours' sleep really makes me feel unwell and unhappy. I find I have a shorter temper and it reduces the quality of my life significantly. Newer research is also proving that long term lack of sleep is extremely detrimental to your health, increasing the risk of a lot of deadly diseases, so I don't feel that lack of sleep is an issue that should be ignored or taken lightly.
My conflict with this arises with the fact that I am aware that I don't feel that it is my place to prevent her from coming into her mother's bedroom to cuddle her in the morning, when this is obviously a routine that they have had for quite some time. Before I came along this was 'their time' that they had together in the morning, baring in mind that they don't spend everyday together due to sharing custody etc. and I am mindful of that.
I am due to move in with my partner in July, so this will be a more long term, persistent issue, that will mean that for 3-7 days per week, every week, I will not have anywhere near enough sleep, and will feel like utter crap. Also, I feel this could be really detrimental to my work life, especially if i'm required to work late, and need the time in the early morning to sleep. I hate to admit this to myself but the amount these unwanted early awakenings are making me suffer are beginning to cause me to feel a little resentment building, and this can't ever lead anywhere positive. It often takes me a few days to get over her visits and catch up on the lost sleep, and then she's back again. Don't get me wrong, she's lovely and I enjoy her company, but I struggle with how appalling I feel with the persistent lack of sleep when she's there.

I'm therefore looking for a resolve to this situation, but I'm not sure if requesting that the child doesn't come into the bedroom until a certain time (or at all wink ) is fair to the child, or reasonable? As I have said, I don't have kids (nor do I want to) so I don't know what is normal or reasonable to expect from them. I just know that I cannot exist happily with this lack of sleep, so need some help in formulating a reasonable solution/compromise whereby everyone's needs are accounted for.

Any advice welcome smile

I grant you its not all of you, but to you self righteous so and so's - have you ever tried walking a mile in someone elses shoes? When entering into a new relationship, you absolutely should consider the feelings and needs of your new partner, they are not subservient, they are a human being. You have chosen to enter into a relationship with someone childless as much as they have chosen to enter into a relationship with someone with baggage, it works both ways. That you dare suggest OP puts up and shuts up or sods off is disgraceful.

childlessSM - Thank you!

ChildlessSM...not sure the child has chosen anything! Child comes first, of course.

Raspberry88, so tell me how this is OP's fault/problem? Sounds like more shitty parenting to me, a mother more concerned with getting laid than her child's wellbeing? If the mother actively choses to move a partner into her home then SHE is responsible for being sure it's in her child's best interest. If it isn't working out because OP isn't sleeping, it's the mother that should decide its not best for them all as she is not willing to compromise on her child's WANT to be in her bed, despite the fact the child doesn't NEED to be in her bed.

She needs to adjust to that partner as much a vice versa, it is not a one way street. When you met your poor OH, did he lay down a set of unbending rules for you?

(Sorry OP, nothing personal, just sick of these women's accusing the partners of being the problem instead of the PARENTS of the child that should have its best interest at heart)

The child's needs come first, but the child's wants to not take priority over the needs of the rest of the household.
I need to sleep in order to work and be healthy. Restricting my sleep is akin to restricting how much water I drink. It is a biological need, not a luxury only afforded to the child-less. The child benefits from me working and contributing financially to the household. She also benefits from me having the energy to play with her etc
Granted that children need cuddles and affection, but she doesn't need them in the bed at 5am when I'm trying to sleep. She wants them at 5am when I'm trying to sleep, and they come at the expense of my need to sleep and ability to work. While children do have needs, being in your bed waking everyone up is not one of them. Even without my insomnia (which is a chronic illness by the way, not a choice, and not something I can just "sort out" as many of you wrongly suggest) my shift pattern at the hospital currently makes that unfeasible and unreasonable for me to have to tolerate.

Everyone in the household has to adapt when someone moves in. Of course any adaptations and changes have to be made sensitively for the sake of the child, hence the point of this post. But ultimately we are all moving in together. That doesn't mean I just slot in, as though my needs are irrelevant; they have to adjust too.

How about suggesting that your partner gets a double bed for her daughter's room. Then the little girl can come get her mum in the morning and they can decamp to her room for morning cuddles, leaving you to sleep on.

Very concise Jessie.

5 am if your lucky you say!. Mine has been in constantly every single night this week.

I'm on my knees but she is 5 it what's she wants.
She will grow out of it soon enough. Sleep elsewhere.

Needs and wants and logic goes out the window when you have dc.

You can get a grow clock and work on not coming in before 6am, if you have a sleepy DC you might get to 7am but I can't see you are going to get later than that, young DC wake up early. In addition if this is the routine that has been formed even if your DP is happy to try and change it, it is going to be very difficult to do so. In the DC's world view the affection she gets from her DM in the morning is as much of a need as your need for sleep, they are competing needs. When you live with a DC their needs come first and yours come second, this is why parents of small DC often look so knackered. I would start from the basis that from 6am you are going to be unlikely to keep a small DC in their bed, particularly in summer, this may be less of an issue in winter, and look to see how you can get your needs met alongside her's. Maybe a bigger bed, maybe another bed elsewhere, maybe your partner getting up and going elsewhere with DC. What are your DP's solutions? This isn't something the DC has chosen, it is being created by the adults around her so really it is the adults who should find the compromises not the child.

This is something you need to discuss with your partner, she needs to understand the lack of sleep and how it affects you.

My first suggestion would be that mummy goes into the child’s bed for a cuddle so you’re not disturbed.
If she’s unwilling to change any of these morning habits for
Your well-being then you’ll have to lump it or simply don’t sleepover on the nights the child is there.
Kids wake up early, and it’s true that once you have kids you never sleep the same again.