Five year old waking me up early

[Jessie1991]

Hi there

I'm new here and not actually a parent; I'm a step parent to a lovely five year old girl, of whom I am very fond of. I just have a bit of a niggle which I am unsure of how to approach, as I don't have children, nor do I have younger siblings/younger family members, so I really am ill-equipped to understand what demands are reasonable when it comes to children, so please forgive any ignorance that I may demonstrate.

My partner's five year old is a very sweet girl, but she wakes up at about 6am (if I'm lucky!) and immediately comes through to our bedroom for 'cuddles' with her mother and I. Now I'm guessing most of you will be familiar with the fact that 'cuddles' in bed with a child usually means an elbow in the face, feet in your neck, lots of wiggling and generally an abrupt end to your peaceful night's sleep grin . She also chats a lot during this time, and lifts off my sleep mask (I need a sleep mask to block out the light and keep me asleep) ensuring thatI wake up, if the wiggling, elbow poking and chatting fails to do so sufficiently.
This may sound quite trivial to many of you, but this does prove to be problematic for me, as I suffer from chronic insomnia, and no matter how early I go to bed, I can often find that I do not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning (anytime between 2am and 5am), and when she's staying over with us (which is anywhere between three and seven days in a row) the repeated nights of having an average of three hours' sleep really makes me feel unwell and unhappy. I find I have a shorter temper and it reduces the quality of my life significantly. Newer research is also proving that long term lack of sleep is extremely detrimental to your health, increasing the risk of a lot of deadly diseases, so I don't feel that lack of sleep is an issue that should be ignored or taken lightly.
My conflict with this arises with the fact that I am aware that I don't feel that it is my place to prevent her from coming into her mother's bedroom to cuddle her in the morning, when this is obviously a routine that they have had for quite some time. Before I came along this was 'their time' that they had together in the morning, baring in mind that they don't spend everyday together due to sharing custody etc. and I am mindful of that.
I am due to move in with my partner in July, so this will be a more long term, persistent issue, that will mean that for 3-7 days per week, every week, I will not have anywhere near enough sleep, and will feel like utter crap. Also, I feel this could be really detrimental to my work life, especially if i'm required to work late, and need the time in the early morning to sleep. I hate to admit this to myself but the amount these unwanted early awakenings are making me suffer are beginning to cause me to feel a little resentment building, and this can't ever lead anywhere positive. It often takes me a few days to get over her visits and catch up on the lost sleep, and then she's back again. Don't get me wrong, she's lovely and I enjoy her company, but I struggle with how appalling I feel with the persistent lack of sleep when she's there.

I'm therefore looking for a resolve to this situation, but I'm not sure if requesting that the child doesn't come into the bedroom until a certain time (or at all wink ) is fair to the child, or reasonable? As I have said, I don't have kids (nor do I want to) so I don't know what is normal or reasonable to expect from them. I just know that I cannot exist happily with this lack of sleep, so need some help in formulating a reasonable solution/compromise whereby everyone's needs are accounted for.

Any advice welcome smile

CanaBanana
Doesn't change the fact that the mother is permitting her child to be in bed with someone she's dating who is presumably not fully dressed.

Depends on how long, if she knows child etc.

CanaBanana and Rachie, just to clarify, I am female and have known the child all her life, and been very involved in the child's life for the previous two years. Her mother and I have known each other for eight years. I appreciate your concern about the parent allowing the child into her bed with an undressed adult, but the mother and child both know me very well, so there isn't any lack of responsibility here on the mother's part. The child doesn't just come in to cuddle her mother, she comes into the room to cuddle me too. This is incredibly cute and sweet of her, and she is gorgeous, it's just simply that I am unable to return to sleep afterwards, and I need to therefore be allowed to sleep through in order to catch enough z's.

A few people have suggested I take up employment which has a more regular shift pattern, which in the long term I shall do, however this isn't currently an option as I am a junior dr, I am required to work long shifts and unsociable hours as part of my training. I intend to move to an area of medicine which has much more sociable working hours (and eventually work only part-time! ). As you can possibly appreciate, I do need to be allowed to sleep adequately in order to carry out my job responsibly. This is something I can manage to achieve in absence of my step daughter waking me up early, but struggle to achieve currently.

As I have previously reiterated, my intention wasn't to find justification to prevent the child from coming into the room, period. I just felt that there could be a solution to suit us all. Having spoken to my colleagues of nurses and drs at the hospital, who have similar shift patterns and children to contend with, also, they all feel that on days where I have to sleep through the morning as I'm on a week of late shifts, the girl can be told not to come and disturb me, as it's important I sleep. Obviously I don't always work late shifts and I have days off as well, hence this isn't always going to be the case, so it doesn't disrupt quality time between mother and daughter. The mother is always welcome to go into her daughter's bedroom first as well. I have spoken to my partner and she is completely understanding of this, and is quite happy to make this small and reasonable adjustment. Thank you to those who have provided helpful advice.

Apologies if this has already been suggested ( haven’t read every single post ) but could your partner take the child back to her own bed when she comes in and they could snuggle there? Or you could move to the child’s bed for an extra hour’s snooze.

rockofages, yes this is a really sensible suggestion :) Thank you.

Wouldn't it be a lot simpler for your partner to just take her downstairs as soon as she wakes up and have cuddles on the sofa in front of the tv? There is no rule saying she has to stay in bed!

@Jessie1991

Unfortunately on MN most posters reserve their contempt for a few people and people in a step-parent role are High on that list.

It's like some people just see anything written by a step-parent and think to themselves "All righty, time to write a cunty response. "

Luckily there has been some good advice too.

I think it's awful for people to dismiss the negative impact it is adding to your sleep deprivation. The condescending 'advice' about your insomnia is stupid as well. I use to get it too as I have had insomnia since I was 12. As if I haven't tried everything to fix it and what works for one won't for another.

My insomnia only got better when I started sleeping in the same bed as my now husband. Obviously this isn't advice I can give other insomniacs to help them.

"HorribleSinger
Sorry but I have to roll my eyes at you a little bit.
Please do not have your own children if you can't sort your insomnia out..."

WOW how horrible and judgy your response is. Also not everyone wants to pop pills for every problem.

Ah God thank you for your support, LeighaJ, I really appreciate it. It was such a relief to read your message as now every time I get an email from MN informing me of a new comment, I almost get a sinking feeling 'Oh shit, here come the pitchforks again!'

The 'advice' regarding my insomnia was amongst the most frustrating things to read. Like you I have also had it since being a child. I would do anything to cure it. The advice to pop pills is actually terrible advice as well as being unfeasible, as sleeping pills are generally addictive, tolerance inducing and have harmful side effects. GPs aren't allowed to prescribe sleeping tablets on a long term basis due to them being regarded as being dangerous, addictive and harmful by the medical community.

Above all my question was asked out of respect and consideration of my step daughter's needs, and trying to find a balance with those of my own, not out of disregard for her needs in favour of my own.

Honestly - at 5 years old there really is very little you can do. It’s too young to take care of themselves or understand how it’s too early in the day. They don’t get it. In a couple of years it’ll probably stop.

Jessie1991
I appreciate your concern about the parent allowing the chil

You seriously need to take the time to read and process replies better.

Check again. I showed no concern about YOUR situation, just a criticism to an earlier poster assuming something that I considered a variable. Turns out I was right. The time frame is totally appropriate.

Rachie1973 I understood what you were trying to convey, I think I may have been unclear in my response, I was trying to lump both you and canabanana together as to save myself typing time. You were both arguing opposite points, but as it was part of the same thread of conversation I grouped you together in my reply. Apologies for my lack of clarity.

Having to function at work when you are chronically sleep deprived is just awful, I did if for many years when DD was small.

Could you perhaps set up a sofa bed for yourself in the sitting room for the nights when you have to be in work the next day? That way, you could sleep a bit longer and then sleep in the bedroom when you have a day off the next day.

Sorry, OP, but I don’t think there is much you can do about the time this little girl is waking up or the fact that she won’t spend that time on her own before you or your partner get up. The best option I think is to swap into her bed or see if your partner is willing to get up with her- perhaps think of something special they could do together like a nice breakfast or a tv programme they can cuddle up on the sofa and watch. If it’s any consolation, my 6yo is now reaching the stage where he will sometimes get up and play before he comes to drag us out of bed, so it will get easier!

Ok...so my thoughts....apologies if I waddle, I'm very tired today.
Step-parenting is parenting, so some of it you just have to suck up if you choose to have a relationship with someone with children. Exhaustion is a fact of life with kids. Having said that, good parenting, and you sound so caring and wanting to parent well, requires good communication...have you talked to your partner about this? My husband works long shifts and if kids want me at 6am I get up...cuddles on the settee with books and a cuppa. I've had many, many years of getting up earlier than I want - at times barely able to function as I have chronic insomnia - but I am a light sleeper and wouldn't be able to sleep after whereas he would. My husband is a step-parent, he is as respectful as you sound...but if my routines with older children exhausted him once we lived together we would have worked out compromises as resentment is a terribly insidious thing in a relationship. It's not a question of you coming in and controlling things by getting routines changed to suit you, it's a question of you all being a family and finding ways of living that work for you all. I agree with a PP too, no child should be pulling off sleepmasks, talking loudly etc when someone is trying to sleep, the child is old enough to understand that and have quiet cuddles on other side of their Mum.

I'm sorry you've had negative posts, I think maybe some people thought you were being self centred but a five year old is different to a baby, you should all be able to get as much sleep as is possible, all of you, just talk. (An ex of mine with no kids was very selfish and whilst she enjoyed the fun bits of kids being around she loathed the realities ever effecting her and we split because it wasn't workable...I really don't get the impression you are like this!!)
Good luck, I wish you all every happiness.

Haha, apologies if I waffle!

Is she nearer 4 or nearer 6? My DD likes to come through for a snuggle of a morning and was waking me up too early. I hate being woken up. She didn’t really understand until she was six that she might need to wait a bit, now we have a rule that if my door is closed when she wakes up she’s not to come in. Either I call her through when my alarm goes off, or usually I’m awake before her anyway so when she gets up the door is open and she knows it’s ok to come in. If she’s up before I am she’s allowed to play on her tablet for a bit or read book quietly until I get up.

If she’s too young, she just won’t understand even if you tell her to wait. As has been said before, this is just life with small children.

Jessie1991 As an ex-insomniac, might I put my 2 cents in. I would look at a keeping a food diary. Start with www.slhd.nsw.gov.au/rpa/allergy/resources/foodintol/handbook.html and fedup.com.au/factsheets/support-factsheets/introduction-to-food-intolerance. Support from a dietitian familiar with the RPAH allergy unit may assist. If you read the above, replace the words irritability and hyperactivity with insomnia and you may start to see some connections.

You are one of the good people in wanting so deeply to do the right thing. You may find it will be trial and error for a few months. Eventually, something will work. Hang in there.

If you want kind and considerate responses I suggest that you don't post in AIBU in future.

If you want to sleep past 6am then don't move in with a 5 Yr old.

You would be unreasonable to expect a 5 year old to lay awake in their bedroom for 2 hours after waking, but I think a lot of the answers you are getting here is because you are moving in with, and therefore intruding on, your dp and her child's current routine.

If you had asked what you could do with your child the answers would have been entirely different, if my dh worked nightshift when ds was younger I would have allowed ds to come into the bedroom and wake me up then taken him downstairs or back for cuddles in his room (would probably have bought a small double bed for his room too so we were comfortable).

You shouldnt try to change the child, but ask your dp who knows about your health issue how you can get enough sleep after moving in. If your dp will not accommodate you, then yes, I would say dont move into a situation that will be incompatible with your health.

Thank you all of you for the previous responses, they have been much more helpful and understanding
I have spoken to my dp and she is very understanding and the situation is more or less on its way to being resolved.
Thank you to everyone who posted a helpful response to my question, and recognised that my intentions were not all that sinister after all

Hey there! Just as an extra suggestion, I used to have the exact same niggle! We used a gro clock, it shows moons for th time the child is supposed to be in bed, and sun's when the child can get up. We also put out colouring books and entertainment for her until 8am when she would come in for cuddles x

I'm so surprised at most of these comments.

I know many parents find this frustrating and I don't think anyone would tell a mother/father to leave or 'find somewhere else to sleep a few days a week' if they posted on here for advice.

I agree that 6am is normal for a 5 year old, but if OP's SD is coming in wide awake in the morning while OP is trying to sleep (and knowing she suffers from insomnia) her partner should get up with her daughter, surely? Or take her back into her own bed and play with her there.

El1995 - That's a great suggestion, thank you. I will mention this :)

Bibidy- Thank you :) I was also surprised at the reception I received for my post, particularly as I have tried to be explicitly clear that I value how any adjustments made will affect the child. I think it's venom towards step parents from some, possibly?

I always appreciate that the needs of the child come first, however that doesn't extend to the point whereby my needs are irrelevant. Compromise from everyone is necessary. We all give something to one another, yet we all have to compromise and make allowances for one another. Even two adults without children have to adapt to each other's needs. The children might complicate that process but they don't negate it.

I’m afraid it’s just what children do. Both of mine are early risers and 6am is about the norm. Do you have a spare room you can sleep in? Can your partner take the dc downstairs as soon as she comes into the room? My dh always takes the dc downstairs on a weekend so I can have a lie in, because as you said, cuddles means constant chatter, shuffling, fidgeting and elbows in eye

Sorry, this is difficult for you. This situation is so common it is normal so as a family you need to find way through. A spare room would have been ideal. Failing that there needs to be some practical way through if you are not to fall out. This might be, for example, mum getting up at 6 with 5 yr old and taking her to the sofa for cuddles, or you decamping to the sofa to grab a few hours. Your insomnia is possibly the main problem here, not the child's early start to the day. Sit down with mum for a calm heart to heart about what the situation is and how it is affecting you and see if you cant find a way through. The chances of changing the child's behaviour now are pretty slim. She will grow out of it but a battle now would not be helpful to any of you

6am? A positive lie-in when my were little. Sleep in spare room.