Mum with lifelong emphasis on "fairness" suddenly wants to give sibling huge amount of money

[obstinatrix]

I feel horrible even writing this because I adore my younger sister and I don't blame her for any of this whatsoever. But.

I have been married for several years now. I am a woman and I am married to a woman. As such, I didn't ask my parents for help with the wedding because I know my mother doesn't approve of or believe in gay marriages. The whole wedding only cost £400 because a) I knew my mother didn't want any of my family to know about it because of how it might "reflect on" her, and also b) I don't believe in spending a lot on a wedding anyway. So we paid for that ourselves and it wasn't a crippling financial burden. My parents did not come.

Now, several years down the line, my sister is going to get married. A bit of background on my parents: my mother in particular has always had a huge emphasis on everything being "equal." If one of us wanted a monetary gift for Christmas instead of a "thing," the other would have to have the exact amount of money, etc. So, while I always thought my parents might spend some money on my sister's wedding, I had expected they might offer a similar sum of money to me to use for a house deposit. I have hinted a few times that I'd really love to get on the housing ladder and had little response, so I thought, ok, they don't want to give us any money. Fine, they're not obliged to. I know they're relatively well-off but it's their money.

Now, however, it turns out they're giving my sister £30k for her wedding. To say I'm fuming is putting it lightly. First of all, I think that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding, but moreover if they have that much to spend, surely it should have been split evenly between us? The fact that I didn't have an expensive wedding and ask them to pay for it (they wouldn't have anyway) surely shouldn't mean they give my sister the whole lot of whatever they had in mind as "spare"?

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly doesn't help with the underlying resentment I feel towards my mother for pretending I'm not married to my partner.

Oh I got screwed over with wedding money too. By a mother who has banged on about her “fairness” to all who would listen for years.

All 3 of my sisters got shed loads of money spend on their weddings. I’m early 40s not married - in my late 30s I decided to get my eggs frozen (AMA...) which is hideously expensive and I said to my mother well seeing as how even if I did get married now I would fund it myself - can I please have what you’ve set aside for my eggs. I knew that she had money tagged for it - and she’s pretty well off. She said no because that wouldn’t be fair. So basically because I’m not ever going to get married (or at least certainly wouldn’t have ever asked her to contribute towards it) then I dont get the money that the others got.

So her position is that I will give you money which I have allocated to you only if get married.

I’m NC now for a whole host of more serious issues. But this one does rankle with me A LOT.

Tbh its not even not giving me the money - it’s making such a song and dance about how fair she is.

Ugh.

That's outrageous. I am on your side. Maaaaaan. That's a bad situ.

Ok you didn't ask her for cash but to trump up £30k for one isn't fair. Same happened to me OP. Except my brother got £70,000 and my mum said they'd always been bailing the siblings out and had none left for me. I thought, fuck it, and left. It's been many years now NC.

I'm sorry that your mum is so homophobic.
I suspect that in her mind she is still being "fair" because you would have got a £30k gift yourself, if only you'd wanted a big white wedding with a nice traditional man.
So her 'equality of treatment' is conditional upon you meeting her expectations to deserve it.
Would she have offered this money to your DSis, if she was also marrying a woman?

Although, when it comes to 'equality' when spending on adult DCs for special occasions- I always thought that was based on the event and not the money?

Some DP's give their children each a 'gift' towards their wedding, their first baby (ie a new pram), their first car.
Does this mean then, that my DM owes my DBro the cost of a wedding and 3 prams, because he's never had DC or married?
And does DM owe me the cost of a car, as my DBro got one, whereas I don't drive?