Mum with lifelong emphasis on "fairness" suddenly wants to give sibling huge amount of money

[obstinatrix]

I feel horrible even writing this because I adore my younger sister and I don't blame her for any of this whatsoever. But.

I have been married for several years now. I am a woman and I am married to a woman. As such, I didn't ask my parents for help with the wedding because I know my mother doesn't approve of or believe in gay marriages. The whole wedding only cost £400 because a) I knew my mother didn't want any of my family to know about it because of how it might "reflect on" her, and also b) I don't believe in spending a lot on a wedding anyway. So we paid for that ourselves and it wasn't a crippling financial burden. My parents did not come.

Now, several years down the line, my sister is going to get married. A bit of background on my parents: my mother in particular has always had a huge emphasis on everything being "equal." If one of us wanted a monetary gift for Christmas instead of a "thing," the other would have to have the exact amount of money, etc. So, while I always thought my parents might spend some money on my sister's wedding, I had expected they might offer a similar sum of money to me to use for a house deposit. I have hinted a few times that I'd really love to get on the housing ladder and had little response, so I thought, ok, they don't want to give us any money. Fine, they're not obliged to. I know they're relatively well-off but it's their money.

Now, however, it turns out they're giving my sister £30k for her wedding. To say I'm fuming is putting it lightly. First of all, I think that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding, but moreover if they have that much to spend, surely it should have been split evenly between us? The fact that I didn't have an expensive wedding and ask them to pay for it (they wouldn't have anyway) surely shouldn't mean they give my sister the whole lot of whatever they had in mind as "spare"?

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly doesn't help with the underlying resentment I feel towards my mother for pretending I'm not married to my partner.

I’m sorry your Mum is so homophobic, and that she’s treated you so unfairly. I’m also sorry that you experienced such dreadful homophobia growing up, it’s neither right nor fair. It’s appalling.

If I were your sister I’d have declined the money on principle.

Just as an aside, because the way one of your posts reads bothered me. Scotland isn’t a homophobic country. I’m not dismissing your horrible experiences, they should never have happened and were and are completely wrong. But it being put down to “Scottishness” is not fair, and it’s labelling an entire country. Your Mum is homophobic because she chooses to be, not because she’s Scottish.

Again, in no way mean to dismiss or minimise your experiences. Just don’t want posters with no experience or knowledge of Scotland to think we’re all homophobic arseholes based on what you’ve written.

I hope that one day you can come to terms with how you’ve been treated and that it stops hurting you. I hope your mum changes her attitude and realises how hurtful and cruel she’s been to you, and that favouring your sister was very unfair.

Such a sad post to read. I'm not gay, but I know my parents would be supportive and embracing if I were. I'm so sorry you've had to suppress your happiness around the people who should celebrate it most.

I wonder, will your mum be happy with you taking your wife to your sister's wedding, knowing that you'll introduce her as such? Because I suspect the money involved in your sister's big day is actually going to be the tip of the iceberg.

I don't think TIlda's post is at all appropriate in this scenario, not one tiny bit.

YANBU, OP, but your mother clearly doesn't believe her own rhetoric. Seems to me that she used the "fairness" thing when you were younger to ensure that your younger sister had everything the same as you, rather than you getting everything the same as her, if you see the difference.

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation and yes, it must hurt so much that your mother thinks this is in any way a reasonable way to treat you.

I think weddings are different from the usual equality thing though (as a parent of 5). I am giving all 5 exactly the same sum for housing (some now already given it) and paying for university. However I will give a sum (much much less than £30k) for a wedding (and that would include a gay wedding too) and if one chose not to marry they wouldn't get that money - just like one needed funding for post grad career for a bit and I funded without equalising as it fell within paying for education (same as our parents paid for our university and if one had a longer course the others didn't get the money). I think the fact weddings are different springs from the tradition that parents pay for the girls' weddings (|and if the other parents or the happy couple chip in that's great) so in a sense contribution to weddings has always been a thing apart for many families.

I think for the sake of family harmony you may need to leave the £30k to one side and not mention it. Personally I think the £30k would be better spent by everyone used as a property deposit rather than up in smoke in one day of a marriage. (We had about 25 guests at our church wedding on a week day and a sit down meal after than that was fine).

As a mother of two very different adult daughters, I'd say...ask her if she's going to give you the same amount of money that she's giving your sister, and if not break off contact.

Why stay involved with someone who doesn't approve of your life? That's just wearing. If there's nothing in the relationship for you...no approval, no acceptance, no fairness, then the relationship is only a drag and not adding anything to your life apart from upset and pain.

What Xenia said is how many people feel about weddings. It's not giving money to the person, it's creating a family event that benefits many people.

Your mum is probably the same age as me. Her attitudes are out of step with my generation. Even of those who are older!
My mother (83) thinks your mother is wrong, homophobic and definitely not "fair".
When my cousin married her girlfriend as soon as it was legally possible, my grand mother (93 then) said she was really happy for them. She didn't even know about lesbians until she was 50!

I would speak to your sister, dad and mum individually. Explain how hurt you are to be treated so differently. Your dad needs to step up here, he can't just bury his head in the sand. I would go no contact with your parents for a while if they still insist in doing this. It's not just your mum, your dad's complicit in this too.

Your sister is there chance of getting a grand child . Maybe that’s what there investing in

You spend your whole life with your Mother banging on about all things needing to be equal so thats what you always expect her to do, and now she shows you how she really feels. YANBU, speak to your Dad and find out what in hell is going on. This will affect your relationship forever, if it doesn't end the relationship all together.
She has two daughters and needs to remember that.

Did you invite your parents to your wedding in case in some miracle they would come ?

There's something different about being invited and saying No to not being given the option. Weddings are family occasions so maybe they don't see it as giving your sister money, but as paying for a family event.

It's a lot of money though, doesn't seem fair. My parents did appear do they equal thing too as kids. But then they paid for my brothers uni and to live at uni but not mine ( to be fair it was more expensive by the time I went so borrowed fees and to live. They didn't offer so I assumed they couldn't afford to pay mine?!) Could it be due to timing on funds ? Investments maturing etc ?

My parents are hands off grandparents, so it really just depends on luck on the kids thing. However they are very sweet with DC much nicer than they were as parents

What does your sister say about it? Will she raise it with your mother on your behalf?

Oh op that's really mean of her I feel for you.

My brother got married and my parents gave him £20k, me and my bloke been together 5 years but not married.

My brother has no kids, he and wife have very good jobs and no matter money worries.

We don't earn as much have 1 dd and another baby on the way and we've never been offered a penny, I've also just been made redundant!

I always thought my mum was fair but if she gave us the same we could use it as a deposit to get somewhere of our own to save some rent (which is higher than a mortgage)

So slightly different but I feel your pain.

Also when I did my NCT course there were 2 ladies on there who were expecting a baby (sperm donor) and they are great parents and some friends of theirs also adopted too. Don't let people's negative views stop you from having a family x

I'm sorry to hear your story. My mum is also of the fair-to-a-point category and I know just how hard she has tried at different stages of our lives to find appropriate and realistic ways of equalising what she does for my sister and me.

I'm on the same page as Xenia with this one. My children were given deposits for houses and education funded. We have set aside an identical sum for their weddings as and when they marry and the children know exactly how much that will be as and when needed. Transparency is the key.

What are your sisters feelings on all this?

Have you spoken to your DM & DF about how you feel?

OP, I feel so incredibly sad for you. You may not get anywhere where with your mother but your sister definitely needs to understand how you feel.

I wonder if she'd hand out £30k to you if you suddenly announced you were marrying a man.🤔

How she feels is how she feels and I doubt she could change that. But she should still treat you equally. £30k for DSis wedding so £30k for you too.

My ILs have always been scrupulous about this. We got a lump sum when they helped BIL with his wedding costs. They then gave him £ when they helped with our wedding.

Agree that you need to speak to your dad. He is complicit.

In your circumstances I couldn't stop myself saying "so mum you didn't come to my wedding and you are giving 30k to sis for hers. That feels pretty weird to me"
I'd be tempted to try this ^^
Your sister is there chance of getting a grand child
And this rings a big bell with me - when my sister died they apparently lost their chance of grandchildren. I did point out that lesbians could have children (I was early 20s so plenty of time to settle down & start a family) but my mother replied 'yes dear, but it's not ideal'. Needless to say she hadn't been very happy about my sexuality.

thats terrible. 30 thousand pounds. its madness.

Did your dsis attend your wedding?

What is your sister's take on all this? Have you discussed it with her?Besides your mother's bigotry does your sister really want a £30K wedding instead of putting the money towards a home?

As for favouring one child over another when my two DDs were children my ex's favourite was DD1 - they were quite alike and I made up for this by favouring DD2 (who was more like me) But where money and gifts were concerned they have always got exactly the same. DD1 got £6K towards her wedding - DD2 is unmarried but an extra year at uni cost about the same amount at the time.

In your position I would probably be going NC with your parents now.

Incredibly unfair to treat your sister favourably growing up, however with the wedding thing, you can't force your mum to accept your marriage.
You are choosing a lifestyle she doesn't want to acknowledge or accept and that is her choice. The money part hurts, definitely, but I wouldn't go nc.

Your situation sucks OP. Your mum doesn't agree with fairness between siblings, if she did she would never be treating you in this appalling this way.

She won't give you money because she will essentially also be giving it to your wife. Her attitude is appalling and you need to stop allowing it, she has to accept your wife as your wife or I would seriously consider no contact. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. But I have to say, your comment about her raging homophobia being because she is Scottish and Scotland being quite a homophobic country is way off the mark. I think you're using that as an excuse for your mums behaviour. You really can't use the attitude of a few to judge an entire country. Scotland has been voted best country in Europe for LGBT rights

I hope you manage to get to a point of better acceptance from your mum. X

@Adviceplease360

The OP isn't choosing a lifestyle, she's gay. That's emphatically not a choice. Her mother on the other hand, is choosing to treat her children differently. Sorry OP, what a horrible situation. FWIW, I think it is enough to go NC.