Mum with lifelong emphasis on "fairness" suddenly wants to give sibling huge amount of money

[obstinatrix]

I feel horrible even writing this because I adore my younger sister and I don't blame her for any of this whatsoever. But.

I have been married for several years now. I am a woman and I am married to a woman. As such, I didn't ask my parents for help with the wedding because I know my mother doesn't approve of or believe in gay marriages. The whole wedding only cost £400 because a) I knew my mother didn't want any of my family to know about it because of how it might "reflect on" her, and also b) I don't believe in spending a lot on a wedding anyway. So we paid for that ourselves and it wasn't a crippling financial burden. My parents did not come.

Now, several years down the line, my sister is going to get married. A bit of background on my parents: my mother in particular has always had a huge emphasis on everything being "equal." If one of us wanted a monetary gift for Christmas instead of a "thing," the other would have to have the exact amount of money, etc. So, while I always thought my parents might spend some money on my sister's wedding, I had expected they might offer a similar sum of money to me to use for a house deposit. I have hinted a few times that I'd really love to get on the housing ladder and had little response, so I thought, ok, they don't want to give us any money. Fine, they're not obliged to. I know they're relatively well-off but it's their money.

Now, however, it turns out they're giving my sister £30k for her wedding. To say I'm fuming is putting it lightly. First of all, I think that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding, but moreover if they have that much to spend, surely it should have been split evenly between us? The fact that I didn't have an expensive wedding and ask them to pay for it (they wouldn't have anyway) surely shouldn't mean they give my sister the whole lot of whatever they had in mind as "spare"?

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly doesn't help with the underlying resentment I feel towards my mother for pretending I'm not married to my partner.

So she gets a cash bonus for being heterosexual?

I would be really pissed off and take it on the chin, I would though proudly make sure that my partner was very much on display as my as my partner at my sibling's wedding, ensure that every time they are introduced as a 'friend' that you correct it, very loudly and in ear shot of your mother.

I am really sorry. I would not be able to help asking why I had had no financial help and my sister got £30k for a glorified party day.

Also, I have had a stillbirth and I would never, ever view any subsequent child as a replacement for that child. A stillbirth is a heartbreaking loss of potential and hope, but my son would have been his own person - a person I will never get to know or meet. I wonder what he would have been like every day and I will always love and miss him, but I would never expect my daughter to "live up to" my idealised notion of how he might have been. And grief does not suspend your ability to think rationally about things like this. It's not an excuse. And I wouldn't give two hoots if he had been gay or if my daughter turns out to be gay.

yanbu to be hurt. that would sting.

You are choosing a lifestyle

What????!!!!!!

I imagine that resentment could niggle away & poison OP's future relationship anyway. Putting her case to her mother why she feels unfairly treated is possibly only way to keep a decent relationship with her Ma.

It's funny the things you don't figure out until you're 50; I've discovered that having a frank row with someone can actually make it much easier for me to keep a relationship with them, rather than leave something to fester so that I dread even talking to them again.

I would be tempted to say that to your mum to. The bolded comment above.

But I have a totally fake relationship with my mum and if I ever try to call her out on her insensitivity or her invalidating behaviour she gets angry with ME for upsetting her and suddenly it's all about how Ive upset HER

OP I'm not sure this is really about you being gay. Your sister is the favourite and always has been. You've tried to rationalise your mother's favouritism since childhood, and as a child you wouldn't have known that you were gay and neither would she.

Yes, she might be genuinely homophobic and that might be influencing her now, but it's just another thing for her to throw in your face.

In your OP you said If one of us wanted a monetary gift for Christmas instead of a "thing," the other would have to have the exact amount of money, etc.. How often was the gift your choice that your sister had to have the same, and how often did you just get whatever it was that your sister wanted?

You’ll drive yourself bonkers with the ‘but it’s not fair’ narrative.

You are correct. It isn’t. She isn’t. Life isn’t.

Holding out for a change of heart is wasted energy. You have to accept the reality of how things are today. You don’t have ‘all those other supportive parents’, you have your parents. You (apparently) don’t have the kind of sister who immediately turns around and gives you £15 of the £30 and makes you and your wife her matrons of honour, either.

Yes, it’s sad and frustrating. Unfortunately you can’t change them, or their hurtful policies. The only thing you CAN change is how much you let it affect you. They can do what they please with their cash, but don’t let them have veto power over your peace of mind and future happiness as well.

Fill your life with love, generosity and acceptance. Reject envy and small-mindedness and be glad you don’t take after them!

Has your ds mentioned the money what's her take?

I wouldn't be able to resist a PA dig at my patents to be honest.

I can understand you being upset I would be too.

I'm sorry you are being treated this way by your mum OP. Has your sister ever challenged her about her non-acknowledement of your marriage?

I think you’re making excuses for your mum by describing Scotland as homophobic. Scotland’s no more homophobic than other parts of the UK, other than in some rural pockets that are very traditional and religious.

I think your mother’s behaviour toward you is despicable, and I hope you find a way to stop making excuses for her and stop seeking her approval.

Adding to my post above (that i treat the children equally but regard weddings as separate) as someone else said above the wedding is a family event so I view it as differently (although I would treat a gay wedding in the same way by the way). In the same way if some of my 5 never ever marry they would not get the equivalent money.

I would just ask the mother about it as I am sure she doesn't want the family falling apart over it. You could suggest you have a church wedding blessing for your union with the lesbian lover inviting all the family over ..actually in England can you have been married "for several years now."... I thought we just had marriage for homosexuals (rather than civil partnership) since 2014 so that would just be 2 years.

Good luck whatever happens. I don't think money is ever worth falling out with people over and good family relationships can be priceless.

The mum will ENJOY spending the money on THIS wedding so it doesn't feel like giving a huge amount of money away to her.

That's the bit that will be hard to unpick, because it is her money. It's unfair that will enjoy this wedding but not her other daughters.

If I were you I'd say to your mother that her giving your sister £30k her wedding and nothing for you and nothing to make up the gaping difference has really shown what she really thinks of you and that you are hurt I just leave it at that.

Tell her that now that her favoritism has become more apparent it's going to be really hard to maintain a happy relationship with her.

Skittlesandbeer, your advice is great and very timely for me personally. Hard to do in practise though

Giving one sibling 30 k absolutely stinks as does the of littlereddragons parents.

Both these examples are so hurtful and so clear. Many parents ( my own included) have used far more subtle and shifting tactics over the years.

sorry missed out the word behaviour.

I would never not be fair with my sister - regardless of our parents I'd be giving her half. I'm shocked she can spend that much on one day!

If my parents gave me £30k and my sister nothing because they were homophobic arseholes, I would be giving half of that money straight to my sister.

The fact that yours isn’t speaks volumes.

Calmly call the lot of them out on their disgusting bigotry and then walk away OP. No family is better than ones who treat you so poorly. You deserve better.

Please please please don’t let your mother have this much control over your life - especially when it comes to having children. This is YOUR life and live it to the full. For too long I let my mother’s opinions colour a lot of my decisions then realised it was up to me how I did things. The money being given to your sister is out of your control and your sister must know that she’s benefiting from your mother’s dislike of you being gay. My DS1 is gay and I wouldn’t want him any other way. It’s not a new phenomenon and people have to get wise to that fact or choose to miss out on a lot of happiness. Live your life with your wife and be proud of who you are - in spite of your mother. And I’m in Scotland and while I agree it can be a bit behind the times - in certain age groups - about gay couples I really believe it’s changing for the better. 💐💐

Xenia

I completely agree with your take on wedding contributions! I too think it’s something you get if you get married, not a chance for everyone to just get given a lump sum for something else. It’s a different scenario. My mother contributed heavily to my wedding but I highly doubt she will contribute to my brother’s. In the same way she gave my brother a lump sum for his business but nothing to the rest of us. I don’t see these things as unfair.

What’s unfair is that OP IS married. Ideally at the time of the wedding OP would have stood up for herself and her partner more, and insisted upon help or at least invited family members to join them. I think the suggestion of telling members of the family she has been married for X number of years and wants a blessing (and mother should pay for it) is a verh good one.

I bet there's a lot of strings attached to that £30k! It's like yours and your sisters weddings combined into one event so your mum has probably gone all out.

At the moment it sounds like you and your mum are pretending that you're not a married lesbian (you're seeing her and going along with stuff like the Xmas scenario) so she hasn't been unfair with her money in her eyes. Was she always really fair? Or is she only fair if you and your sister play certain roles like dutiful heterosexual girl?

My mum is deeply homophobic. My sister and I have been accused of being gay when we had close female friends as teens despite us both ending up with men. If J mentioned this now, she'd say they never happened but my sister clearly remembers her saying that she'd rather my sister be a porn star than lesbian. (If you're wondering, I have been NC for 20 years)

I agree that if you and your sister had children that hers would be the preferred ones. You definitely should not count on her being a doting granny and the best you can expect is to visit at Xmas with your wife-who-is-treated-as-your-friend while she is all over your sister's children. Don't let the fear of this stop making you decisions that make you happy. Lots of children have no grandparents in their lives. It's harder but perfectly doable.

Have you point blank asked your family for help with a house deposit vs hinted? Hints are easy to brush off vs a direct request for help.

Also 30k on a wedding is fucking ridiculous.

Whilst I wouldn't do it at the actual wedding, so as not to spoil my sister's day, I would gloriously ensure that every single person your mother knows becomes aware of you, how proud you are of your wife and how you might have kids...

Have you internalised any shame?

I would never have thought of shame as an internalised thing until I read Brene Brown, very much eyeopening...

Also 30k on a wedding is fucking ridiculous.

Why? People can spend whatever they like on a wedding. It’s not your business.

What did your sister say about your wedding? Did she go?