Mum with lifelong emphasis on "fairness" suddenly wants to give sibling huge amount of money

[obstinatrix]

I feel horrible even writing this because I adore my younger sister and I don't blame her for any of this whatsoever. But.

I have been married for several years now. I am a woman and I am married to a woman. As such, I didn't ask my parents for help with the wedding because I know my mother doesn't approve of or believe in gay marriages. The whole wedding only cost £400 because a) I knew my mother didn't want any of my family to know about it because of how it might "reflect on" her, and also b) I don't believe in spending a lot on a wedding anyway. So we paid for that ourselves and it wasn't a crippling financial burden. My parents did not come.

Now, several years down the line, my sister is going to get married. A bit of background on my parents: my mother in particular has always had a huge emphasis on everything being "equal." If one of us wanted a monetary gift for Christmas instead of a "thing," the other would have to have the exact amount of money, etc. So, while I always thought my parents might spend some money on my sister's wedding, I had expected they might offer a similar sum of money to me to use for a house deposit. I have hinted a few times that I'd really love to get on the housing ladder and had little response, so I thought, ok, they don't want to give us any money. Fine, they're not obliged to. I know they're relatively well-off but it's their money.

Now, however, it turns out they're giving my sister £30k for her wedding. To say I'm fuming is putting it lightly. First of all, I think that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding, but moreover if they have that much to spend, surely it should have been split evenly between us? The fact that I didn't have an expensive wedding and ask them to pay for it (they wouldn't have anyway) surely shouldn't mean they give my sister the whole lot of whatever they had in mind as "spare"?

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly doesn't help with the underlying resentment I feel towards my mother for pretending I'm not married to my partner.

You’re in complete denial about your mother and her take on “equality”.

Yanbu. People will say it’s her money but I would feel the same as you. sorry op, that’s shitty.

Battleax, what do you mean?

She might be fair when everyone's playing ball by her rules but you are not playing ball by living a lifestyle she disagrees with. Unfortunately you are probably going to have to put up with it before it consumes you.

Yanbu, thats vile

Well you sound as though you half believe in her long emphasis on treating you equally.

But really you knew that it was a bogus kind of equality, because at the time of your engagement and wedding, you knew perfectly well that your DSis’s (heterosexual) marriage would likely be treated differently at some point in the future, didn’t you? You knew you were the sibling whose marriage 1) was being kept secret from family, 2) wasn’t attended by your parents and 3) was necessarily low budget with no offer of parental contribution.

You knew then that your DSis wedding wouldn’t be secret and boycotted and you probably even had an inkling she’d be offered a contribution at whatever point she married.

You knew this was about you being gay. So you didn’t really believe in your mother’s equality mantra. You did what all of us with dysfunctional families do; you squashed it down and didn’t confront it.

But the good news is you’re more prepared now than you realise now that the punch in the face has come. It’s hotrible I know

Thank you. I suppose I know I am in denial really I just don't want to lose my whole relationship with my mother. As long as I keep quiet about my life, we get on. But I have held off on doing things because I know she wouldn't approve like, I know various other gay couples my age who have supportive parents and who have children. I can't imagine having children because personally I am averse to pregnancy so my partner would have them, and then my immediate thought is that my mother would not acknowledge them as having anything to do with her and would probably insist I pretend not to be a parent, which would be hard. I am late 20s and all my gay friends are shocked that my mother is this way, because generationally it's unusual among our parents. But everytime I've convinced myself that it doesn't really impact my life that she's homophobic, something like this happens and pisses me off again.

Yanbu.
It should be £15k each for wedding/house deposit.
What about your dad? Didn't he want to see you get married?
Your mother is anything but fair. She has a favourite.

I'm sorry Op, what a kick in the teeth for you

I used to be my dad's favourite. We were best friends. I think he still prefers me to my sister, which I'm not cool about really because i don't think parents should have favourites. However, I also think he's very much under my mother's thumb. He doesn't do anything she disagrees with because he doesn't want to "rock the boat." Ultimately this meant he chose her bigotry over coming to my wedding and he hasn't intervened in her decision about the division of funds.

Awful for you having to deal with that from your mum. The money's not the biggest issue here. In your shoes, I don't know that I'd be able to stay in contact with her, and I certainly wouldn't be letting her views put me off having children. You've got to put yourself first.

Eventually there’ll be a real crossroads or some kind of crunch point you can’t ignore.

I don’t suppose there’s any hope of her softening if she’s gently challenged?

If I were you I'd start forming my own real family. Full of people who love and accept me for who I am. And who would welcome your children (should you do chose) into that family with joy and love.

And your mother is a stupid besom. Parents should be happy when their children find love, no matter who that person is!

Battleax, I think my problem is that I have held out the hope that she would soften if gently challenged. Unfortunately I doubt that's possible. She's very weird about it she will be perfectly pleasant with my other half, even perfectly happy for her to come up for Christmas and so on, but always with this strange approach as if we're just friends from university or something. So I've always thought maybe one day she'll just get the over it, but I don't think it's possible and I don't have the guts to come out and say "why are you like this?" to her.

I don't really want kids and neither does my other half, but it is disconcerting to me that it occurs to me every time a friend has kids that if we did, they certainly wouldn't have a grandmother in my mother.

It's like she hasn't been actively awful enough for me to cut her off, but idk what it would take.

YANBU. I would be fuming.

YANBU.

Unfortunately you have to face the fact your mother is homophobic.

You are clearly aware if both you and your sister have children, even if you carried the children yourself, hers would get preferential treatment from your mother.

I suggest you work out how to deal with her prejudices before you have children, so they don't have to deal with her shit attitude and behaviour.

I don't think myself that as a parent money should be spent equally as it's according to need (for education etc) but YANBU that's completely unreasonable to you
I've just done a will and my nephews/nieces who have not been recipients of big wills from grandparents have more

to you. This must be pretty miserable. Your mother's homophobia is really entrenched, but I can understand that you keep hoping she will change, and welcome your wife as your wife, and stop treating you like an embarrassment. Sadly I don't think it's very likely that she will do so. As PP said, it might be time to go at least low contact with your parents, and build a family of loving friends.

Yanbu- I’d be very hurt by your mothers actions and way of treating you. I imagine you don’t want to cause an issue over this but what about your sister? Is she happy to take the money without saying anything to your mum about it? Would she not try and fight your corner or even offer to have 15k each?

OP, firstly and im sorry about the way they are. YANBU.

I went through something similar. My DS did her degree 2 years before me in the same science field as my mothers career. Parents gave her a 10k cheque to say congratulations. I graduated (with better results than DS actually but in a totally different field) and got a card and a bottle of my favourite £60 perfume. No career / money changes for them in that time. We've never discussed it as its obvious why they did it.

So I would recommend you live YOUR life. You can have a relationship with them but don't let their choice influence your main decisions. They've shown you where you stand. So if you want kids - have them. And if your mum (and your dad by default) dont accept the child thats fine - it will have other family that will make up for that. That's their loss. Because you dont want to wake up in 25 years with your parents gone, look at your sister and her children (if she has any) and you regretting giving up your own chance of a family to please your parents. Clearly their sense of fairness is not on your side and i doubt anything you will do at this point will please them.

I'd say it to her. I have one sister and we were treated fairly.

In your circumstances I couldn't stop myself saying "so mum you didn't come to my wedding and you are giving 30k to sis for hers. That feels pretty weird to me"

She doesn't sound great tbh.

Also who spends 30k on a wedding when they could use the money as a house deposit!!

sorry, crossed posts with you saying you didnt want kids :). But sentiment still the same - live YOUR life and try to not worry about what she thinks.

YANBU. Your mother’s (& father’s) behaviour is really shite.