Mum with lifelong emphasis on "fairness" suddenly wants to give sibling huge amount of money

[obstinatrix]

I feel horrible even writing this because I adore my younger sister and I don't blame her for any of this whatsoever. But.

I have been married for several years now. I am a woman and I am married to a woman. As such, I didn't ask my parents for help with the wedding because I know my mother doesn't approve of or believe in gay marriages. The whole wedding only cost £400 because a) I knew my mother didn't want any of my family to know about it because of how it might "reflect on" her, and also b) I don't believe in spending a lot on a wedding anyway. So we paid for that ourselves and it wasn't a crippling financial burden. My parents did not come.

Now, several years down the line, my sister is going to get married. A bit of background on my parents: my mother in particular has always had a huge emphasis on everything being "equal." If one of us wanted a monetary gift for Christmas instead of a "thing," the other would have to have the exact amount of money, etc. So, while I always thought my parents might spend some money on my sister's wedding, I had expected they might offer a similar sum of money to me to use for a house deposit. I have hinted a few times that I'd really love to get on the housing ladder and had little response, so I thought, ok, they don't want to give us any money. Fine, they're not obliged to. I know they're relatively well-off but it's their money.

Now, however, it turns out they're giving my sister £30k for her wedding. To say I'm fuming is putting it lightly. First of all, I think that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a wedding, but moreover if they have that much to spend, surely it should have been split evenly between us? The fact that I didn't have an expensive wedding and ask them to pay for it (they wouldn't have anyway) surely shouldn't mean they give my sister the whole lot of whatever they had in mind as "spare"?

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly doesn't help with the underlying resentment I feel towards my mother for pretending I'm not married to my partner.

OP- did your DSis come to your wedding? And was she the one that told you about parents giving her the 30k? How is she coming across in this? Is she surprised or feels entitled to the money?

@ whoever said there will be conditions with the 30k, so true.

My parents' script now is that I must be in a permanent state of perpetual gratitude. I've had to back away from my mother atm because she did something so breathtakingly thoughtless (not thoughtless actually because I had asked her not to do it) but when I called her out on it, it was obvious from her anger that the only reaction I'm allowed to have in response to their actions is gratitude

This is not a healthy place. I have to reverse away from it for a while. My mother is angry with me right now. From her pov, she did so much for me that I have NO right to ever judge her behaviour - even if she would never treat anybody but me so insensitively. Ah yes, I'm too sensitive. If I ever, ever, ever complain I'm too sensititve. Not grateful enough and too sensitive. That's how my family see me. It has filtered out to my brother seeing me like that too.

Also 30k on a wedding is fucking ridiculous.

A quick Google reveals that it's average. Personally if I had 30k wedding budget it would be 5k on wedding and the rest on honeymooning

YANBU.

Your mum is a homophobic bigot who is discriminating against you for not marrying a man.

I'm so sorry to read this. What has your sister said about it all? Do the two of you get on/do you talk about things? Have you confronted your parents about the double standard?

30k is a ridiculous amount for a wedding and it does look a little like she is getting your share.

I'm takes a lot of courage to speak up about this kind of unfairness but I think you should try to discuss it with them, if only to work it all out in your own mind. You can't ultimately control their behaviour but sorry that you are having to put up with it. for you.

Your Mothers homophobia is not ok. Its a sad and painful situation for you. Our daughter was the first of our children to marry, and her wedding to her wife was as beautiful and special to us as any of our other childrens weddings.

However, her money is her money. She may have been dreaming of her daughters big white weddings since you were small children. To allocate her funds to your home deposit etc is unfair. Of course, your sister may have decided against the whole big shindig and dreams would have to be rewritten, but she didn't.

How horrible for you ok. Your mother has behaved terribly towards you. Will your wife be invited to your Dr is wedding or will that cause issues? I dont think that it is possible to keep the peace in such difficult circumstances as your loyalties are being so tested.
Do what feels right but perhaps some upfront truths need to be discussed.
Do your whole family just go along with your mum? Can they see how unfairly she is treating you?
Good luck.

Thanks all for your responses. It was my sister who told me about the £30k -- she did come to my wedding. She hasn't actually been given the money yet, but I think she recognises it's unfair. The point being, of course, as everyone has said, it's not really the money itself that's the issue, but what it represents. My sister does make less money than me and I suspect if I brought this up with my mum, she'd just say I was being Ungrateful As Usual and resentful of her blah blah, and say "your sister hasn't done as well as you." Not mentioning it will just leave me feeling quietly resentful about it. I don't want to feel that way at my sister's wedding but I think I just have to accept that I will. And then basically ignore my parents until such time as they ask why, if they ever do.

My sister also has always been afraid ever to say anything outright to my mother. Both she and my dad will complain about her behaviour behind her back to me but never do anything about it.

Personally OP I’d really appreciate it if you addressed your prejudicial and unfair statement about Scotland and Scottish people.

For a start you can’t complain about prejudice while making a prejudicial statement, and secondly it was grossly unfair.

If I was your dsis I would cash the cheque and after the wedding give you half!!
And tell dm to not so politely fuck off.

It was the slagging other family members off behind their backs that finally snapped me. It’s a very poisonous dynamic that you’re describing.

So your mother is homophobic and you are racist....well done OP 🙄

Where’s the racism? Her comments about (her own) Scottish culture?

I never said racism, and yes, she attributed her mother’s homophobia to being Scottish, which isn’t fair. Not a particular area, or particular group of people, but a whole country. What’s your problem?

I think Scottishness may have a lot to do with it

Homophobia levels are very high in Scotland where I grew up

Sweeping statements.

She's absolutely vile your gay and she doesn't approve of it so is going to rub it in your face by giving your straight sister everything I bet because she can give her biological 'traditionally conceived' grandchild. You've been minimising her behaviour for a long time and now it's so blatant it's impossible to ignore it, you need to confront her about it and if she doesn't see the unfairness in it then it may be time to go no contact because she'll never change her ways and if you and your partner ever end up having a family would you want your children playing second place to your Dsis kids because that's the likely scenario.

My mum didn't come to my same sex wedding either. It is truly shit. Tbf we never got along even when she thought I was straight but I've been low contact with her ever since the wedding. Trying to get her to treat my wife as part of the family is an uphill battle that I'm losing.

How does your DW feel about all this? Is she ok with being treated as a uni friend?

The money thing is shit and unfair. Honestly though, I don't know if I'd want a large sum of money from someone like your DM. I suspect it would come with many strings attached.

I never said racism

No I know

Charlie said it. Right above me.

Look.

I hadn’t seen that, sorry I thought it was aimed at me.

I stand by what I said though, you can’t combat prejudice with prejudice and OP should at least apologise for saying being Scottish is why her mum is a bigot.

Meh. Plenty of people are much more critical of their own background culture than they are of other people’s.

FWIW I assumed she meant something far more local and specific than just the whole of Scotland, and maybe was just extrapolating much too widely.

So I sort of see what she meant, but I see your point too.

I would imagine that your mother would have given you a similar amount of given you each £15k if you had married a man. This was probably assigned as wedding money so if she were to give you money for a house deposit that would be a whole different issue and she would have to give the same amount to your sister. Either that or she just doesn't like you any more now that you have married a woman. It sucks. You have ky sympathies

I can see why you're upset.

But they're not giving your sister 30K to use as she wants, it's for a wedding (which is like a huge family party really). Weddings are often a status thing or a display of wealth, so it's for the parents as much as the couple. The mother fulfilling her dream of seeing her daughter walk down the aisle and entertaining relatives and friends in lavish surroundings. Some parents get very excited about weddings.

It's really sad and unfair she doesn't accept your sexuality. But is it just about that or is it also that she knows you disapprove of wasting money on a wedding? (I agree with you on that) so she didn't offer you the same?

I think Scottishness may have a lot to do with it

This, as a reason for homophobia, really fucking pissed me off. I was sympathetic to OP, I absolutely agree that her Mum is a bigot and grossly unfair but that statement was equally prejudicial, and I’m not swallowing it just because she’s Scottish.

If you added any other nationality/race/skin colour in there, there would have been a riot, but for some reason on MN anti Scottish bullshit (which is rife at the moment for some reason) is allowed to stand.

Which is why I challenged it.

Because you cannot complain that someone is being prejudiced towards you and then make a prejudicial statement and expect to be taken seriously.

If I was your sister I’d take the 30k and give you 15k of it immediately.