AUBU not feeding dd(14) what she wants?

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Dd has major issues with food, she has AS and sensory issues, her diet has always been pretty awful and she lives mainly on Pizza (cheese only), chips and fish cakes. She gets free school meals but because she’s only given a small amount towards a meal she often doesn’t eat as there’s not always pizza in the canteen. I have offered to send her in with extra food but she moans that we don’t have anything in that she likes.

I am trying to provide a healthy meal when she gets home but against n she often doesn’t like the look of what I offer, I try and make healthier varieties of pizza a couple times a week but I’m not serving pizza every night, I have tried to offer jacket potatoes, new potatoes or mash as an alternative to chips but she turns her nose up, she won’t touch meat or veg. Last night she complained at what I gave her which was pizza made from whole meal pita bread and roasted new potatoes, she ate the pizza but refused the potatoes and then said I was starving her. This morning I told her to find something to take to school as a snack, I have plenty of food in but apparently nothing she likes.

AIBU standing my ground and not cooking her pizza every night? I really want her to start trying a few different things but it’s so hard. She has a condition that effects her bones and gaining weight will make that worse (so living in pizza is not ideal), she’s also so pale due to not eating veg or any meat.

She has accused me of spending too much money on other things and not providing her with food, this is not true, there plenty of food in the house, I go shopping twice a week and spend way more than I should. The money she gets for her school meal is enough to buy a meal (the healthy option) but she won’t eat this.

Nope sorry in your position and I am in your position with a ds who is 11. I feed them what they eat. Will she take cold pizza for lunch? Is it only a certain brand or could you make your own. Using a lower fat cheese less salt if that's a concern.

Ime they go through more restrictive phases where they can't have certain things then sometimes it relaxes after a while. We were on no hot food for ages now it's just no chips.

If it is a battle you want to choose then u would speak to cahms about getting some food based therapy for her though I imagine you would have to go private as I've never seen it offered through nhs

Also give her a multivitamin

Pizza, pita bread and potatoes in one meal? Yuck.
Pizza is not necessarily unhealthy. A thin base pizza with loads of tomato sauce, vegetables and a small amount of a softer cheese like ricotta, feta or mozzarella is very balanced and healthy. Can you teach her to make her own pizzas? That might encourage her to explore new variety.

Feed the girl what she will eat and enjoy.

She has AS. Don't make things an issue

I have severe food phobia and I'm severely underweight. If you tried to force feed me to eat food I won't eat, I'd rather go hungry.

With AS, food issues are far more than just fussiness. Multivitamins and what she’ll eat is what I’d do (and do do with my own 3, all autistic).

Because there’s no point making lovely food they won’t eat, they’ll be hungry.

Can you hide extra veg in the pizza sauce (like jamie’s 7 veg sauce or something) then low fat mozzarella topping? But yes I would consider asking for some professional help if that phase lasts too long... Sending strength!

Yes, I'm sorry but you are BU. She's not being fussy or difficult or awkward - the food is a real issue for her and you will cause both yourself and her huge and unnecessary stress if you don't give her what she wants.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you.
Tescos do a children's pizza that has carrot infused into the dough as a way of getting vegetables into the meal. Could you look at something like that for the short term and continue working on varying her pallet.

Pizza is better than nothing. This is much different to fussy eating. Make the pizza as healthy as possible and get her taking a decent multi-vit. Perhaps see your GP or a nutritionist to advise on the best vitamin tablets for her.

Try and get as much health and variety into the pizza as possible and invest in some multivitamins.

Is it possible you could try and find more dishes she likes by trying new things - not forcing her to eat them, but as an option that she can have a go at? So you've made her a pizza and the rest of the family is eating something different, she could try a bit of that? If she finds some things she likes it might vary her diet a little.

I make pizza using wholemeal tortilla a little bit of tomatoe puree some cheese, and lots of veg. Maybe see if she wants to choose what she wants to put on top?

Not everyone will agree that ‘forcing’ her to eat other foods is a good idea if she is in the spectrum.
I know a couple of parents who’ve done that with their autistic child. they were you younger but It worked though.

I talked to a paediatrician who is a friend of mine and she said that pushing a child to eat a variety of foods (just like you wouod push them to brush their teeth even if hey are sensory issues) is often recommended in the US. But not so much here because they are worried it could lead to abuse (as in the parents taking it too far).

Personally, I can’t see the issue bar the fact she is older now and her ways of eating will be much more entrenched than if she had been 6 or 9yo.

Depending on how back and white her thinking is, explaining the heath consequences of only eating pizza might get you a better result.

I have to say as far as I am concerned, diet is an ESSENTIAL part of a healthy life. Even more essential than brushing teeth. If it’s ok to pin a child down to brush their teeth as many parents seem to do, to force an autistic child to do so despite the sensory issues, then I can’t see the issue with forcing them to eat different foods.

I was a picky eater as a child/teen. There are still a lot of things I won't eat and I can't just try something new. However some foods I wouldn't eat as a child I do now often down to the way my mum would serve them. Carrots for example. To my mum carrots are something you cut into circles, boil and serve up looking wet with a roast dinner. I think they look very gross that way. But as an adult I love to eat raw carrot sticks or grated carrot mixed in with cherry tomatoes and cucumber. (I remember the opinion was raw carrots were something that bunnies ate when I was a kid). I don't eat food people would say is 'traditional' British food - roast dinners, stew etc. I think it's the colours. Brown food! It just doesn't look nice. Where as I eat things like pasta with sauce (ie red) or veggies like peppers etc (again bright colours). I don't eat chicken but if I see a recipe for a chicken dish that has a bright coloured sauce on with peppers and rice I sometimes think it 'looks nice'. I think you should keep giving her what she likes at the moment but try to find out what exactly she doesn't like about certain foods. Oh another thing - if I do try something new if it more likely to be vegetarian food rather than meat because on a subconsious level veggies are more 'safe' than meat because bad veggies might give you belly ache but bad meat can give you food poisoning (sounds crazy but I read that years ago and finally thought 'that's me'). Food can be such a battle if you are frightened of it - so stay calm and relaxed.

I have to say as far as I am concerned, diet is an ESSENTIAL part of a healthy life. Even more essential than brushing teeth. If it’s ok to pin a child down to brush their teeth as many parents seem to do, to force an autistic child to do so despite the sensory issues, then I can’t see the issue with forcing them to eat different foods

Do you have an autistic child? Because I’ve read and reread your comment and I’m really hoping you’re not advocating force feeding an autistic child.

Without the AS, I'd be supportive of your approach. But with the AS it just won't work and she'll end up malnourished.

Personally, I'd make up a variety of pizzas with as much variety of veg as possible in the sauce and toppings, and let her take a couple of slices (cold) to school with her each day. That way she's at least eaten something.

I would be really worried about the lack of protein and fibre, I do not have children or know anyone with AS so ignore me if I sound ignorant but could you bargain with her?
Would she understand your concerns?
Could you compromise and give in but ask her to find a meal she can tolerate that has protein and fibre in?

I would cut down to low fat cheese if she was putting on weight and it was causing issues for an existing condition, try baked/homemade fish cakes if they aren't already.

What does she drink? Could she be getting extra empty calories from fluids?

She's 14. Even with the ASD she's old enough to take some more responsibility for her own diet. I would be more bothered by the accusation that you aren't spending enough on her or getting the stuff. Can you allocate her a specific food budget that will pay for her choice of foods and then say it's up to her to put her own pizza in the oven?

Will she drink fruit juice?

Bring her to the supermarket with you (if she feels able to go) to pick out her own snacks. Or if she can't go in the supermarket then show her the tesco/asda/morrison app and tell her to pick a few items she will eat for snacks for school. As other posters have said food issues with AS is not the same as being a fussy eater.

Even with the ASD she's old enough to take some more responsibility for her own diet

You can’t just dismiss the reason for the food issues and brush it aside. It doesn’t work like that.

I'm in your position too, with an 8 year old with ASD and restricted eating. I think YABU OP, it's not fair to try to force someone with ASD and sensory issues to eat something they don't want to eat. We had a really good child psychologist come to school to observe my DS's behaviour around food at lunchtime and she saw him in clinic. She came up with some really helpful strategies, for example, I took pictures of all the food he likes, and made a food book for him. We then made a weeks menu plan and talked about food groups and balanced diets. Luckily he will eat some fruits, and yogurt, and having an agreed plan helped him relax a little bit. I completely disagree with the issue of "forcing" an autistic child to eat foods they don't want to eat, but you might find some helpful approaches like we did that will make things slightly easier. The psychologist was very reassuring, and did say that often it is something that a child with an ASD diagnosis will eventually grow out of, or that their acceptable foods list will expand as they mature and become more independent. I have no idea if that's true but she made me feel less anxious about it all.

You need to feed her what she'll eat, remove the battle because you're making it much worse. Once she feels secure that she can eat what she wants, she'll relax and you can start slowly, slowly, ever so gradually, stretching her comfort zone.

My son had huge issues around food and at 14 it was starting to impact his social life - wouldn't go anywhere that would involve eating in case there was nothing he "could" eat. So I just made sure we had food that he ate and he cooked it for himself mostly. And it wasn't healthy food - it was a specific brand of Tesco cheese and tomato pizza.

If we went to a restaurant he would only eat garlic bread.

Then he got friendly with a boy who had the same issues but ate different things and they became part of group that loved to go out for dinner. Because there were two of them who were picky they gave each other confidence and he would order a plain burger for instance.

He is 19 now. He came home from University in the Easter holidays and for the first time since he was 2 he ate the meal that I had cooked for all the family. (I had to hide in the kitchen for a couple of minutes and have a cry).

He has also been ridiculously healthy. None of my kids have been the kind to have time off school sick but he had two days in year 7 and nothing else, never caught colds or anything. And he had the worst diet of all of them.

I was an exceptionally fussy eater, I am not AS or anything.
Forcing her to eat is not going to end well.

Can you get her to help make the food? It may give her some ownership of the situation.

If you offer but don't pressure things can go better. If I had been able to try a bit of something without anyone making a massive issue out of it, or pressuring/bullying me into eating it, I'd probably have tried it - as it was I could have outstubborned a donkey.

And, yes, probably not liked it the first few times - it does take a while before you are used to new things, keep trying.

Has she said what snacks / packed lunches she would like? That might be a starting point for negotiation. Something like a nakd bar would be a slightly more varied diet than what she has, but still relatively healthy (vs chocolate or the like)

If she didn't have ASD and sensory issues it would be different but, although you don't mean to, all you are doing is putting pressure on her to conform. It may be that a lot of food "feels" uncomfortable to her with her sensory issues. It may be really difficult to get the right professional guidance on this type of thing but I really would just go with the flow and, if you can sneak some hidden vegetable content in there as others have suggested even better. I think you risk making things worse with your approach ... my DD (also with ASD and sensory issues) went through a phase of only eating cheese sandwiches. Due to bad professional input which totally focussed on this, she stopped eating the cheese sandwiches and became anorexic.

Sorry I agree with the others, she has ASD and sensory issues. You’re just picking a battle that you can’t win and will make you both unhappy.

Buy her the pizzas and snacks she likes and eat the healthy meals yourself. Just make sure you give her a decent calcium supplement along with the multivitamin tablet.