AUBU not feeding dd(14) what she wants?

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Dd has major issues with food, she has AS and sensory issues, her diet has always been pretty awful and she lives mainly on Pizza (cheese only), chips and fish cakes. She gets free school meals but because she’s only given a small amount towards a meal she often doesn’t eat as there’s not always pizza in the canteen. I have offered to send her in with extra food but she moans that we don’t have anything in that she likes.

I am trying to provide a healthy meal when she gets home but against n she often doesn’t like the look of what I offer, I try and make healthier varieties of pizza a couple times a week but I’m not serving pizza every night, I have tried to offer jacket potatoes, new potatoes or mash as an alternative to chips but she turns her nose up, she won’t touch meat or veg. Last night she complained at what I gave her which was pizza made from whole meal pita bread and roasted new potatoes, she ate the pizza but refused the potatoes and then said I was starving her. This morning I told her to find something to take to school as a snack, I have plenty of food in but apparently nothing she likes.

AIBU standing my ground and not cooking her pizza every night? I really want her to start trying a few different things but it’s so hard. She has a condition that effects her bones and gaining weight will make that worse (so living in pizza is not ideal), she’s also so pale due to not eating veg or any meat.

She has accused me of spending too much money on other things and not providing her with food, this is not true, there plenty of food in the house, I go shopping twice a week and spend way more than I should. The money she gets for her school meal is enough to buy a meal (the healthy option) but she won’t eat this.

If her ASD prevents her from eating most foods, and you refuse to provide the foods she will eat, then you are starving her imo.

Is she able/allowed to purchase andcook her own suitable food? Because if she isn't then I think you're being cruel.

I was your daughter, but with a much more limited diet. My mum stressed and tried all sorts of tricks and pressure to make me eat more. It was horrendous. I found my own way with food when I left home at 19. I did it in my own time, on my own terms. My diet is pretty good now. I still have big emotional issues WRT food. I wish my mum had just left me to it. It really affected our relationship.

Didn’t expect such a big response, have not read all the posts gets bit just to say.... I don’t force her to eat, I’m offering her things, I dish her up a meal, if she doesn’t eat it then that’s her choice but I’m not cooking pizza for her every night. I know a lot of it is due to having sensory issues but her diet is now causing health issues. She refuses to take multivitamins unless they are peppy pig ones from Asda (which are for toddlers). She’s not underweight. I’m trying to gently encourage her to at least try a few new things in hope she will find someth No she likes but often she refuses to even try.

If she has a packed lunch it consists of a cheese sandwich (only sandwich she will eat), has to be white bread. A packet of cheese and onion crisps and a kitkat. Occasionally she will eat berries. She had the same packed lunch every day throughout primary school and would not change it.

Her diet is mainly cheese, bread and potatoes.

I’m not making a huge issue out of it, I dish things up for her, she can chose wether she eats them or not but she can’t expect an alternative because her choice would always be pizza.

I have tried taking her shopping with me, have tried cooking with her (she hates it) and we try to eat out as much as we can but this causes meltdowns if there’s nothing she likes on the menu.

What happens if she doesn’t eat what you make?

Toasty she is able to purchase her own food at lunch times, I gave her extra money today to do so. She get fish cake and chips on a Sunday from the chip shop with her dad, pizza at least once a week at home, I’m just trying to introduce a few different evening meals but she says I am starving her (she has enough money to get a cooked meal at school so she should have already eaten).

sodding she often gets given bread with her meal if I feel she’s not likely to eat what I have cooked. I try and do it so there’s at least one thing on her plate she will eat and then something she can try. She doesn’t go without.

If you’re not providing her with an evening meal she’ll eat then you are starving her though! One meal a day isn’t enough!

Have you seen a dietician? One who understands autism? Because they might be able to explain it better to you.

X post, bread isn’t enough!

Would she eat chips you make yourself with some olive oil with skin left on?

Mine's ASD and very regimented in what he eats. I give him what he wants within reason (as in I'm not giving him haribos for dinner).

Dr has undiagnosed ASD and whilst she's generally fine with food, if she's feeling particularly anxious she often wants certain things over and over, or with her it can be wearing the same outfit daily or a particular routine.
It did used to worry/bother me but as time's gone on I realise that letting her have it makes her feel secure, and also that I'm understanding of her.
She's slowly getting better and doesn't do it as much now at almost 17, but 11-15 were absolutely awful and I wish I'd been a bit more accepting of her quirks.

Let her have what she wants, once she feels secure in her food she may well start trying more.

Dd was fine with evening meals btw, but she'd perhaps have the same cereal bar with the right juice whilst watching a certain TV show at breakfast time, or after school snack had to be the correct brand of white bread with a certain type of peanut butter and only the small jar.
Sounds mad, but once I let her do it life became much easier.

My 4 year old is exactly the same. Can I ask how everyone deals with this within nursery and school. We struggle with what he will drink too. All I have get is it's against our healthy eating policy and they aren't willing to make exceptions. He starts school in September and I want to put him in dinners as at dinner time he will only eat a Philadelphia cheese sandwich, skips, Banana and sometimes one of those small muffins where you get 20 in a tub with blackcurrant diluted juice. They want him on dinners as reception children get free dinners and I want to put him sandwiches so I know he will eat. We have worked with a dietician and they have basicly told me to feed him what he will eat as his diet is so restricted. He's on a multi vitamin.

She refuses to take multivitamins unless they are peppy pig ones from Asda (which are for toddlers).
It doesn't matter who they're designed for, if she'll take something to give her extra vitamins then do it! I used to take the kids chewy vit c ones and I was an adult. I can't get the adult ones down to save my life.
And I'd also say let her eat what she's happy to eat. Better that than give her big issues around food. I'm AS & my mum made a huge deal around eating when I was a teenager - result was depression & an eating disorder that lasted years. She'll probably try more as she gets older. I did.

What about if she dishes up for herself?
At least with all that cheese she might be getting enough calcium (I'm guessing the bread is often fortified too).

What about inviting friends over to eat? Seeing them eat might help, although if it's not working at school probably not.

I have an 8 year old autistic child who has food issues so severe we see the eating disorders team weekly.

There are ways to encourage trying new food but that shouldn’t be done at the cost of “safe” foods (and I would be careful playing with safe foods too much) and it certainly shouldn’t become a battle of wills.

All no she won’t eat home made chips and if I leave the skin on any kind of potato she refuses to touch it.

We have seen dieticians and occupational therapists, she refuses to do anything asked of her, we have tried adding things slowly to her pizza, have tried leaving different food on the table for her to try without putting it on her plate. At one point she did attempt a few new things and I got her eating the inside of a jacket potato but then she goes backwards to eating hardly anything other than pizza. She has pizza at school and garlic bread but if she gets to the canteen late there none left then she struggles to find anything she will eat (even though there’s a large selection), I have offered to send her with extra food but she moans about fitting it into her bag.

She will get home from school, have a snack which is often crisps, I will then cook her a meal which usually consists of either pizza or chips, sometimes I can get her to eat fish fingers or a fish cake but it has to be the rights ones. Most nights she does get a meal that she will eat but some nights I try adding something new.

I am struggling with snacks because all she will eat is crisps or chocolate. The fridge is full of yoghurts, berries, cold meats and baby bells but she doesn’t see any of this as edible food.

Shes not skinny, she’s pale, she complains of feeling tired (possibly anemic) and she’s always feeling unwell. I am worried about her health due to her diet, she’s eating plenty but not the right foods, gluten makes her constipated and we have been told to cut it down but I can’t do that as she would have even less things that she could eat.

How about this

Get HER to make a list, as long as she can of meals.
Get HER to make a list as long as she can of snacks.

If necessary, suggest things to her that she might try.

Keep those lists on the fridge.

Make sure there is a decent meal form the list every day. Make sure there is a snack for school every day.

Then say to her, can she suggest one thing that she can agree to try, once per month. Agree that trying means she samples it 4 times over the month, maybe in different versions eg as pp said carrots, raw, grated, cooked. The deal is she has to choose something and she has to give it a good chance.

Accept without judgement her verdict. Try it, don't like it. Ok. What shall we try next month? initially her things to try maybe things she is borderline about, and haven't made it on to her list.

Give her the control. She is 14 and needs to work this out. You cannot force feed her, and teaching her to be adventurous in tiny tiny steps is better than creating a big issue over it.

At the same time, get her to cook for the whole family once per week/fortnight or over the summer. Get her involved in food prep.

She is not a picky eater: she has ASD and food issues are very common. Do you have any support? DD(11) id very similar and we had her diet reviewed by her teams dietician and although overall a poor diet (likes pizza,chips, sausage rolls etc) they never said to expect her to eat what ever was put in front of her. We 'supplement'the crqp foods with good ones. Baby yogurts, kids vitamins and even the ellas kitchen fruit puree (apple only). Yes it does mean I cook a seperate meal for her (4 days last week was chicken fillet in a bun).
Children with ASD have so much to deal with. At 14 she should be able to work with you to come up with a meal plan.

Sorry - just read you saw a dietician. Did they draw up a meal plan with both of you?

My youngest has done this. It turned out to be her own way of controlling her environment as she was having other difficulties but like you I was going crazy as the house was full of food and she was still either not eating or completely melting down!
We ended up making a list (she and I together) of things that she really liked, things she would eat for fuel at a push but wasn't keen on, and things that I was not to feed her under any circumstances. By pandering to her fussiness she relaxed and has even tried (when I asked her in advance) some of the completely proscribed list!

I dish her up a meal, if she doesn’t eat it then that’s her choice but I’m not cooking pizza for her every night

think about it - I serve her a meal she doesn't like, and she doesn't eat it, then tough?
Really?
Imagine a meal you hate (for me it would contain broad beans, lots of broad beans.) now imagine you are hungry and that is all you have. Except bread.
So night after night you eat plain bread.

You are starving her.
You are, without realising it, expecting normal behaviour from a child who had ASD and sensory issues. As you up the ante with your behaviour, she will retreat more into safe food zones.

As I said, give her control. Get her to make the lists, and then feed her from the list. No rows, comments, huffy sighs or anything, give her some freedom and take the pressure off.

Once that is established, get her to try new foods by getting her to suggest something.

gluten free pizza bases are these any good to you OP?

We have done lists, charts where she tries something new each week, all this was suggested by the dietician, she started off ok with trying the odd thing but would declaim she didn’t like it before it even hit her mouth.

I wish she would eat something as adventurous as chicken in a bun or even fruit purée. I’m lucky if I can get 5 blueberries into her a week , she won’t attempt to eat any meat and won’t allow any veg on her plate (I don’t even attempt it), won’t eat anything in a sauce, no pasta, it’s all bread and cheese

I’m not causing her to be stressed, she’s just moaning because I’m not buying loads of crisps and chocolate. He’s sister is becoming overweight due to having these things in the house (she also has ASD but will eat anything), I want to cut down on the rubbish I am buying, there are things she will eat, I have seen her eat bananas but she will refuse them as she wants crisps.