AUBU not feeding dd(14) what she wants?

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Dd has major issues with food, she has AS and sensory issues, her diet has always been pretty awful and she lives mainly on Pizza (cheese only), chips and fish cakes. She gets free school meals but because she’s only given a small amount towards a meal she often doesn’t eat as there’s not always pizza in the canteen. I have offered to send her in with extra food but she moans that we don’t have anything in that she likes.

I am trying to provide a healthy meal when she gets home but against n she often doesn’t like the look of what I offer, I try and make healthier varieties of pizza a couple times a week but I’m not serving pizza every night, I have tried to offer jacket potatoes, new potatoes or mash as an alternative to chips but she turns her nose up, she won’t touch meat or veg. Last night she complained at what I gave her which was pizza made from whole meal pita bread and roasted new potatoes, she ate the pizza but refused the potatoes and then said I was starving her. This morning I told her to find something to take to school as a snack, I have plenty of food in but apparently nothing she likes.

AIBU standing my ground and not cooking her pizza every night? I really want her to start trying a few different things but it’s so hard. She has a condition that effects her bones and gaining weight will make that worse (so living in pizza is not ideal), she’s also so pale due to not eating veg or any meat.

She has accused me of spending too much money on other things and not providing her with food, this is not true, there plenty of food in the house, I go shopping twice a week and spend way more than I should. The money she gets for her school meal is enough to buy a meal (the healthy option) but she won’t eat this.

You are turning it into a battle of wills. You need to back right off with the pressure.

OP in the kindest possible way you are not listening to anything anyone is telling you, your DD included and you are forcing your own opinions on to her with no regard for her ASD.

She can’t do all the things you want her to do, and you just don’t seem to grasp this. Just because your other DD has autism but eats anything doesn’t mean both can. Autism is a spectrum, we all present differently.

step I am not starving her, there’s loads of food in the house, she likes fruit but can’t be bothered to peal it, can’t be bothered to chew it. She’s had pizza at school so I should give her pizza again at home? 5 days a week eating pizza twice a day? She will eat yoghurt, the fridge is full of them but she would rather have crisps or chocolate, if she was hungry I’m sure she would eat the yoghurts. I’m not serving her a plate of food she doesn’t like, it’s a different variation of a food she does like but healthier (home made chips instead of shop bought? Home made fish cakes instead of frozen) she refuses to even try them.
She has access to food, just not her favourite foods. Maybe I should just let her eat pizza twice a day and then her other conditions will be made worse because she will be obese, but as long as she’s happy right?

Why did you bother posting when you are obviously sure your right and everyone else is wrong?

There’s so much you can do with pizza. Fortify the pizza by disguising healthy ingredients. Experiment with different bases, make up several batches of no knead pizza base and add wheatgerm or wholewheat flour, not so much so it’s noticeable. Roast up some vegetables and purée them or purée some lentils, add a couple of spoonfuls to the tomato sauce.

No it’s not ideal but forcing her isn’t going to help. Let her take cold pizza to school or make pizza type snacks (same ingredients, different forms). Pepper pig vitamins are better that no supplements.

Ignore the emotional blackmail and complaints but at 14 I would encourage her to start cooking by letting her be responsible for at least one meal.

When food becomes a battlefield you lose the war.

you need to read this

OP you are labelling your DD by NT standards when she is not NT. The language you use, the way you talk about her, the dismissive tone used when talking about her very real issues with food are appalling.

She needs support, not condemnation. And you need to learn about autism, quickly.

And I don’t need to be told about how ASD effects different people, I know that, my dd’s are very different and I work with adults with ASD.

You might think I’m not listening but I am. I’m worried about my daughters long term health, I work with adults who have had poor diets and I see how it has effected them and there overall health, I don’t want my daughter to have her life limited due to poor diet.

You do need to be told! Because you are neglecting your child because you are wilfully not listening to her or anyone else with experience in this area! So you do need to be told, repeatedly until you stop being so horrid about your own child and start listening.

Not eating at all would be much worse for her health.

It’s acrially quiet worrying that someone with so little desire to understand how these things work supposedly works with vulnerable adults.

It’s acrially quiet worrying that someone with so little desire to understand how these things work supposedly works with vulnerable adults

I thought the same. I feel very sad for your DD OP.

sodding do you know me or my dc’s? Your being very judgemental. At no point have I force her to eat anything she doesn’t want to eat, at no point have I not fed her. I know a part of the probalem is sensory but it’s not all sensory (I know my daughter better than you strangely enough), a part of it is just her being a teen because she is the same as every other teenager. You have no idea what pain my daughter is in from the other conditions she has, conditions made worse by diet and weight gain.

she likes fruit but can’t be bothered to peal it, can’t be bothered to chew it. She will eat yoghurt, the fridge is full of them but she would rather have crisps or chocolate.

That is VERY different from what you posted on every other post.
If that is genuinely true, that she likes fruit and yoghurt but won't eat it because she likes crisps and choc, then YANBU. But from everything else you have posted, that did not sound the case.

My Dd has eaten in Michelin starred restaurants, had surprise tasting menus and lived them.
That doesn't mean she'll eat anything at any time, sometimes she uses food as a way of controlling her environment, as a way of feeling safe.
I understand this can be hard to cope with, but the sooner you let it go, the sooner she'll probably eat more and if she doesn't, so what, give her the toddler vitamins she'll have.
She's never not going to have ASD, the sooner you accept her place on the spectrum, the easier it will be for everyone.

sirzy where did I say she isn’t eating at all? She eats plenty. I’m not sure why people assume I am not feeding her, she has access to the cupboards and fridge, there are things she will eat in them. She’s having a cooked meal at school, she will often eat cheese on toast in the evenings, she often buys food with her pocket money, goes and gets chips in town with her friends. In what way am I starving her?

OP you have consistently used negative language about your DD and have absolutely refuted anything anyone else has to say like you somehow know better.

Why did you post? For affirmation that you’re doing the right thing? Because you’re not, so that was never going to happen.

And no, I didn’t know, because you didn’t tell us. But then loading up on bread because you refuse to offer anything else is hardly healthy is it?

I’m stepping back from this thread now for my own sanity, but in all seriousness your DD needs help, from someone who is actually prepared to listen and help, not just judge and condemn. It’s all about you and what you think. Nothing about how she feels or what she needs. So I stand by everything I’ve said. She deserves support, if you won’t give it, find her someone to talk to who will.

and I have to say that home made chips/wedgies don't taste anything like shop ones. My 15 year old NT ds loves asdas frozen wedgies and would rather go hungry than eat my home made ones, so they really are NOT the same

I think generally pizza and cheese overly demonized. Pizza is bread/base - fine, tomato paste - fine, cheese - so plenty calcium and protein.

What she is missing IMO is vegetables and iron rich foods (as a teenage girl). Also does she take vitamin D supplement?

Is she putting on weight at fast rate? Is she objectively overweight?

Would she dip toast strips in tomato soup? (quite similar to pizza/taste) and then work on getting other veg in soup. Or would she allow the pizza 1 topping that varies? Or take something like beans for iron? Or could you get a plain base and freeze portions of blended veg (with tomato puree in) and use this as the tomato layer? Not much but a couple of table spoons daily maybe better than none.

What breakfast does she eat? Can she take any fruit at all?

Step it is true, she will eat fruit but wants me to chop it, peel it, slice it, core it, this is why she will eat berries (easy to eat), I have tried making up a fruit salad and keeping it in the fridge but she won’t eat it, she goes straight to the crisps, when there’s none there I am then told that I am starving her even though there’s plenty of other things she can eat.

I have no experience and can only imagine how worried you are but surely, if she genuinely cannot touch anything other than pizza and will only have bread for an evening meal, having pizza every night with a tomato sauce packed with hidden veg, a low fat cheese and whatever toppings she wants is a million times better? At least she’s getting some nutrients.
Being 14 is hard enough on its own but it seems your poor DD has everything stacked against her, you included.
If you have seen specialists and none of their suggestions have worked, surely following your daughters lead and just letting her eat what she wants is your best bet?

Amazed that anyone thinks it is okay to ever force someone to eat! How would you do that anyway?

Definitely work WITH your child OP not against them. I think that’s true whether ASD or not.

It doesn’t mean you just give them cake. It’s a gradual thing and takes loads of effort for us as parents, it’s so exhausting! But I think we have to do it in a kind way. There is lots of info, lots of tips. Too many to list, but even things like giving very small, cut up portions of new foods regularly in the middle of the table, in a non pressured way. Food issues are very hard but they don’t go away if we just get tough and ‘don’t pander’.

Lots of tips here
www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/understanding-autism/health/eating-issues

My son only eats one type of fruit and two types of vegetable at the moment. I regularly give both and also regularly offer new ones. I use smoothies, vitamin enriched drinks... carrying around special food etc.

Sorry xpost with loads of posts! She is not quite as restricted as I thought. I also agree, she should get involved in the making of food.

Ride she often has breakfast at school, I offer her cereal, crumpets, toast or fruit but she refuses. She will have breakfast at the weekend which she makes herself (toast).

Banana where does it say I forced her to eat anything?

Kmo she won’t have any other toppings other than motzerala cheese and tomato purée (any sign of any lump and she will refuse to eat it). We have tried making pizza together, her sister will choose lots of topping but dd1 will only have cheese.

Occasionally I can get a smoothie into her.

She won’t touch anything in a sauce, no soup, so it’s hard to hide veg in anythI got.

I've got an ASD child who is 11 and he is also a challenge with food and very underweight BMI 17.3 despite us letting him eat more or less what he wants. The advice we got was to let him eat what he wants to get his weight up but he's still very thin.

He does eat fruit thankfully and that works best literally put in front of him inbetween the sofa and TV/ipad - he will eat almost all but loves big oranges and big apples, flat peaches. Vegetables he will eat any kind of brocolli, peas if he gets to count them (I set pea eating challenges), green beans but all completely plain. Food should never touch, no sauces, identical looking food is best so he's better with ones that look like school dinners. He will eat fish in breadcrumbs, sausages with mash, steak with potatoes and green beans / broccolli, garlic bread, white bread, bread sticks, at 10 he ate his first chicken nugget, fish fingers. Just started eating gammon. Will eat a roast dinner. Ham sandwich if no butter. Won't go near pizza. I would introduce new foods as extras not instead of, and put a fruit bowl in front of her with fruit that don't need peeling.

You could try fruit juice if you haven't already but no bits in it. It's good she's not underweight, wish my son was that. I wonder if he has an allergy but tested negative for gluten.