To wonder about cause and effect - cosleeping

[Goostacean]

I’ve noticed that I’ve met several mums with babies (10-18months) who don’t sleep through and have never slept through, and they cosleep in the bed.

Are those with bad sleepers resorting to cosleeping longer term, or does cosleeping disrupt sleep?

I’ve barely done it- just for a few hours when baby was merely weeks old between 6-9am sometimes, after baby had spent the night in the cot. We always had very bad sleep in the big bed, and are all far happier if I return baby to the cot. I can’t help but wonder whether not cosleeping would solve/improve the sleep issues these babies have?

Still cosleeping with my 9mo. He often sleeps through and when he doesn’t it’s usually one quick feed around 1am which he’ll wriggle over and help himself to - doesn’t really wake either of us all the way up.

I've coslept with both my DS's (still do with 10 year old) and both were good sleepers so it wasn't something I chose because it was the only way to get some kip.

if you’re actually hungry I’ll obviously appear instantly, but I don’t want to be sleep deprived from several five-ten minute feeds a night with a half conscious baby

OP this might not be true of everyone but I'm genuinely not sleep deprived at all from "several" (it's actually 2 for me and my baby is only 10 weeks) 5-10 minute feeds - I'm half conscious too and barely remember waking in the morning, whereas if I had to get out of bed even once I'd definitely remember it and feel tired the next day. I guess everyone is different though.

Co-slept with DD1 because we all needed some sleep and it worked well for us. When DD2 came along, was all prepared to do it again but she loved her Moses basket, wriggled and squiggled when she was in bed with me and took to a cot very happily. Still likes her own space !

@Glitterandunicorns I'm not saying this will work for sure but it definitoy had a high impact in our home, we all get sleep and are much happier lol

If you do invest in a double I highly recommend the Ottoman beds, it's amazing how much you can store in them.

I have 5 DC and I can honestly say that every one of them is completely different. The first 4 were put into cots as babies.

• DC1 would scream blue murder any time she was put down but learned to sleep with a white noise tape. Sleeping through by 7 weeks.
• DC2 literally slept for 3/4 hours - woke - fed - went back to sleep, for months, but was still waking at least once a night at 2 years old.
• DC3 didn't sleep day or night for longer than about 4 hours. Ever.
• DC4 slept pretty much all the time and was still having a daytime nap in the month's leading up to starting school.

We would often wake in the morning and find between 1 and 4 children asleep at the bottom of the bed (wooden frame, so held them in). We ended up buying a superking size bed when they were 10, 9, 7 and 5 so that we would all fit.

DC5 was a ELCS delivery. The first night home I tried to get into bed holding her and couldn't, because the bed was too high. No way I could get in and out and hold her. So we started co-sleeping. And we didn't stop. She never cried in the night because she didn't need to. As she got bigger I didn't even wake up; she would latch herself on, feed, then sleep without disturbing me. (Really amusing the night I found she'd fed through my nightdress, like some sort of filter).

We had a few nights when she suddenly had a longer gap between breaths than usual and I was awake in an instant. I don't remember when she slept through, because I was sleeping through from very early on. She went to nursery full time and we carried on, or otherwise I would hardly have seen her. As it turns out she has a variety of SEN and is very tactile. She needed to be held.

She is still with me at 11. She has always had her own room and her own bed but she likes to feel me near her. She goes off to residential summer camp, school camp, Brownie camp and to friends for sleepovers with no issues at all, so she can sleep alone. She just chooses not to. I can remember thinking it was weird that my cousin at a similar age still went in with her mother, and she is now a 40 year old married mother of 2. I think a lot of people do it, but just don't mention it.

My 1yo doesn't "sleep through the night" but she does sleep from 9.30pm to 7am approx every night, waking up for milk from me, she feeds in her sleep with eyes closed.

I don't know how many times, as I feed her lying down and have only twice needed to get out of bed with her during the night (cold recently disrupted her sleep, I changed her nappy in case it helped). I guess it's one or two feeds max. When teething or unwell it's a bit more, and I feel rougher the next day, but not overly so.

My sleep is pretty blissful even though she doesn't "sleep through".
My 5yo was the same. He moved to his own bed someone between 18m and 2y but still woke once for milk, but we'd moved him to a single so I used to stumble over and usually fall asleep next to him for the rest of the night.

Oh god why don't you jump in a lake you sanctimonious judgemental upstart. Maybe they tried it other ways - who cares. Why don't you just accept they're doing their best and JOG ON.

Thanks again for sharing all your stories everyone- I don’t know many people IRL with kids (and sleep can be a sore topic!) so it’s really interesting to hear. Obviously those who are not interested in the discussion are welcome to “jog on” to another thread... Or go for a nice swim, given the lovely weather

@Batteries, I think you asked about baby’s age- he’s now 5 months but the bad latching was around 4months and 1-2weeks. I assumed teething but nothing has come through since, and he’s stopped doing it, thankfully!

Can anyone shed light on what prompted them to move their little one out of the bed? Was it anything specifically that changed as they got older, for example?

We started cosleeping at 6 months but around 9 months I would cosleeping durring the weekend and DH at the weekend. When I returned to work we alternated nights. There was not enough space for all 3 of us in our king size bed as DD star fishes.

We started to put her in her own room at 20 ish months because we wanted to start to ttc and we did not want her to feel pushed out by a new baby. We also started to suspect that some times we woke her up.

So we bought her a 3/4 double and added bed guards and bought exciting bedding. At first we slept with her all night and then we just stayed until she went to sleep and popped in during the night when she needed us. We usually settle her durring the night and leave but if we fall asleep and are comfy or she is particularly disturbed then we have enough space to stay with her.

Last night she did not wake at all (she is 25 months, I normal give it in years now) and it is our new norm.

Tbh OP if your baby is only 5 months I'd consider taking a "never say never" approach. I'm not saying you will cosleep or that you should, lots of people don't and if you never feel the need then that's great. But at 5 months I was still quite adamant that we would never cosleep. I think part of the problem though was that I had unrealistic sleep goals. I'd read somewhere (during my long hours of sleep deprived googling) that "most" babies start sleeping through by 6 months, so I think a part of me just kept thinking "only a bit longer, just hold out til then". And then when 6 months came and went I just lost the will to wait any longer and decided that we needed to either start cosleeping or sleep training. I mean, your baby might continue to sleep just fine, or you might stoically refuse to cosleep even if they don't, but you still have the 8 month sleep regression and the worst of the teething to come so I wouldn't necessarily count your sleepy chickens just yet. I don't mean to sound patronising, cosleeping definitely isn't for everyone and many people never do it, but your baby still has a lot of sleep developments ahead of them so I'd try and keep an open mind about it.

I co-sleep with my twins, who demonstrate clearly this is a personality issue. My small boy wants constant reassurance and milk on tap. His sister really isn't that bothered and would, I think, be happily sleeping through on her own were it not for his disruption. But as my husband works away and I have both of them, and our older children to parent during the day, co-sleeping really is the best choice for us. And I love the sound of their gentle snoring and their huge grins in the morning!

I co-sleep and have done since my little boy was about 3 months old and he's 16 months old bow. He's still not a great sleeper but neither was I as a baby. I believe every baby is different so whilst one baby will sleep beautifully in cot, another one might sleep better in the bed with the parents. You've really got to find what works for you and ignore everyone else.

We moved him out as soon as he was (a) old enough to have the conversation about it (new bed, you're getting big, etc) and (b) not waking up more than once, as I couldn't be bothered to get out of the bed frequently.

Plus hubby wanted to move back in and he doesn't sleep nearly as well with the kids in the bed as I do.

Our dd moved to her own bed at around 4 - she just decided she was ready.

I have two experiences of babies and cosleeping:

DS1 - coslept at first as he wouldn't sleep unless held. Woke 2/3 times a night but went back to sleep quickly, so we all got some sleep this way. Realised at about 5m that we were actually waking him. Went into his own room at exactly 6m (too scared to move him before then due to NHS advice). Slept right through from night one. Has slept through 99.9/100 nights ever since (he's 12.5 now and still loves his sleep!)

DS2 - woke every hour at least right from night one. Didn't nap, had terrible reflux, screamed all the time... Coslept as it was pointless even putting him back in his cot - as soon as I'd got back into bed he'd be awake and screaming again. At least cosleeping I got a couple of hours broken sleep a night. He isn't good at sleeping alone though, even after the reflux settled he was 3.5 before he slept through in his own bed all night. He often crawls in with me now and he's almost six. He's like a little mammal that needs to be snuggled up with someone to feel safe. I don't mind as it doesn't really disturb my sleep now. I'd far rather he'd gone off into his own room at 6m but that's just not the wire DS is wired!

I still remember the day we decided to co-sleep. I almost fell asleep while driving then almost fell down the stairs when carrying DD.

So for us it was a solution to sleep problems. DD had a rough start to life and fought sleep from the start. She would pull her eyelashes out to stop herself from falling asleeep.

She’s 9 now and still sleeps in our bed. I’m pretty sure that’ll change in the next year or so and she starts to want more privacy. It’s not for everyone but works for us.

One thing I have learned tough is to try to not judge other’s parenting choices. Most of us are trying to go out best and most of us make what we believe to be the best option for our own families.

Oh yeah, absolutely agree with various PPs who say it’s about making the right choice for you and your family- I hope I’m not coming across as judgemental, and I certainly don’t mean to! I’m just interested, it’s a bit hard to ask people about their bedroom habits esp as sleep can be a touchy subject when you have young ones...

Oh, although on the point re when to move baby out of the room and official advice... I recently read the official WHO report on inter-pregnancy intervals (ie how soon to have your next baby, in an ideal world) and I was shocked to discover that it essentially said “our experts disagreed on whether it should be 18 or 27 months, so we’ve decided to advise a gap of 24 months - plus “two years” is easier for marketing purposes”. I had expected it to be a little more... scientific! Haven’t read where the safe sleep guidelines have come from, but I might look it up.

I'd echo other posters who've said that sleep 'development' (for want of a better word) isn't always linear. Both of mine have woken more frequently and taken longer to settle (and consequently have slept in bed with me more often) in their second six months than in their first six months. My first then had periods of greater and lesser wakefulness, times when she went to sleep in the evening easier than others, and so it continues at nearly six. She's been settling/sleeping very well consistently for probably nearly a year (last blip was when her brother was born) until this week when she's taken longer to settle due to the heat. Second baby has just turned a year, co-slept a grand total of about 3 times before about 7-8 months as he just didn't need to, but it's much more frequent ATM and I feel we're just at the start really. But that's ok, we'll get there.

Only took me a month for me to eat my words 😂 We travelled halfway across the world to visit family, and had all kinds of sleep problems when there due to weather/light... So I ended up cosleeping for most of the night! Significantly helped by baby being bigger and able to roll onto his side for feeding, unaided.

Now we’re home, baby is back on his cot and we’re all sleeping well again- but I miss the closeness! Desperately want to just scoop him up and hold him all night again ❤️

Ha that's so cute 😊 I still share a bed with DS (21 months) we both love the cuddles

I co-slept with my son, until the point he started sleeping longer stretches. At 8 months he was sleeping 7-7 with one night waking, at 12 months he started sleeping through. He's been a pretty solid sleeper since then (he's 2 now), although he still has either me or his dad lie next to him as he goes to sleep.

All 3 babies went into their own rooms early. First child was always a nightmare to get to sleep. After months of creeping out of the room bit by bit I gave up and sat next to her. Eventually, when I was pg with ds I used to fall asleep and stay with her. DS on the other hand was a good sleeper (if an early waker) and I never had to even try to get him to sleep. Dd was 5 (and ds 3) when I stopped co-sleeping with her. Dd2 was brilliant for a year then after an illness wouldn’t settle so I ended up with her too. In our house it was a case of where we could all sleep best and it was different for each child. Every child is different. Every family is different. We all do, or should do, whatever is right for us without judging others for doing it differently. Remember that just because a 1st child sleeps well it doesn’t mean the next one will too. It really shouldn’t matter what anyone else does as long as everyone in the house is happy. It hasn’t affected my relationship with dh at all to have had long periods sleeping elsewhere. We are all much happier after a nights sleep - whichever bed that may be in.

2.5 now and still co sleeping here. I don't see an end in sight but I work full time and this just works for my family. It's a cultural norm for my husband, and it was him who bought the co sleeper once he could see I wasn't handling the lack of sleep very well.

I get people from my family shaking their heads, asking how we could manage no sex or closeness with DH at bedtime, but actually sex hasn't suffered (!!) and since my husband and I work long hours, bedtime is a great moment to share.

I'm now that convert who champions safe cosleeping whenever I see a woman struggling the way I was.