To wonder about cause and effect - cosleeping

[Goostacean]

I’ve noticed that I’ve met several mums with babies (10-18months) who don’t sleep through and have never slept through, and they cosleep in the bed.

Are those with bad sleepers resorting to cosleeping longer term, or does cosleeping disrupt sleep?

I’ve barely done it- just for a few hours when baby was merely weeks old between 6-9am sometimes, after baby had spent the night in the cot. We always had very bad sleep in the big bed, and are all far happier if I return baby to the cot. I can’t help but wonder whether not cosleeping would solve/improve the sleep issues these babies have?

I co slept with both of mine until 18 months, both bottle fed, both great sleepers. It’s just normal in my culture.
They’re both great sleepers, and since the first day they went to their own rooms have slept from 7-8:30 every night.

@stillwishihadabs you don’t have to go to bed with them just because you are cosleeping. Plus your study, do these babies learn to self settle or have they learned helplessness. I find it interesting that there is a rising number of children who require handholding throughout life and the rising number of books advocating sleep training.

People who find a under one year old responds well to bedtime have a chilled out baby. People who don’t, do not.

Not in my case. My 2 month old constantly cries if he's not asleep and has to be on me all day from morning to bedtime, but bedtime comes and he's brilliant and goes straight down, so not in my case. But I never tried to put a routine on him we are fairly routined people and he's just taken to it himself.

I think all babies are so different, and parents lifestyles are so different too that it's difficult to say what will work for one will work for the other. I personally don't co-sleep as I am a heavy sleeper, if he wakes early I'll occasionally bring him in with me for an hour. I have a friend who's son is 5 and still in her bed her husband sleeps in a separate room still and it's massively affected her marriage so I think it put me off. Also as I have him on me all day I think he needs that time to be able to learn to self settle and he does, I never let him cry. Just can't understand why he won't do it during the day

I co-slept because after trying to "pop the baby back in the cot" for the 20th time that night only for them to wake and scream at me i was ready to fling myself out of the window.

yes, me too. And because when I was trying not to co-sleep I kept catching myself falling asleep sat up with the baby in my arms. Not safe.

I really didn’t want to co-sleep and I was so determined not to, but there’s only so long you can cope without sleep yourself!

Long time co-sleeper here - my dcs are 3yo and 20mo.
They don’t sleep a solid 10 hours, but sleep way better in with us than they do when we’ve attempted to put them in a separate bed.
When we’ve tried to put them in their own beds, we are up every 2 hours if not more often. When they are in with us, there’s maybe 1 or 2 wakings each of a couple of minutes - for a wiggle around, a cuddle, a drink etc
Co-sleeping maximises everyone’s sleep in our house

I refused point blank to co-sleep with my eldest because it just didn't seem right to me, he never slept through the night until he was 3.

With DD I was on my knees with exhaustion as she woke hourly, when I was in hospital the lovely midwife told me about safe co-sleeping and taught me how to feed lying down. She even came in to do hourly checks through the night to make sure we were both ok 😊

At home DD would settle in her Moses basket in the sitting room but as soon as it was quiet she wanted me, I think it was a reassurance thing but having been taught about safe sleeping practice I was confident to continue respite not really wanting too because I couldn't function otherwise!

DD went into her brothers room when she was mostly reliable at 3 and slept through 99.9% of the time by 4.

I’m a long term co sleeper. I have a love hate relationship but am determined not to do it with my next child.

We started because our daughter wouldn’t be alone and we were exhausted. Now she won’t get out. I have nightmares about being in bed with a 7 year old (she’s 4)

I think, for practical purposes think of it from a child’s POV- why would they leave their co sleeping bed? They have both their parents all night to cuddle, not a scary room alone. And then that’s it, you’re stuck with them.

I get no sleep, no quality time, no time alone. I hate it

I work with Children’s Centres and even though all the research points to co sleeping with a small baby as incredibly dangerous a lot of people bang on about how great it is.

I had no intention of co-sleeping due to the risks until the exhausted day I sleepwalked across a major road with the pram without looking.

I discovered (by accident as I pretty much passed out with dd) that cosleeping changed the “sleep 30 mins, scream 60 mins” routine we had going on all night to “sleep 60 mins, scream 30 mins”.

Which meant I got enough sleep to function (and remember to look before I crossed a road).

I don’t know the exact stats of a non smoker, non drinker co-sleeping but I truly believe it is less risky than crossing roads without looking.

Cosleeping does not take place in a vacuum - you have to parent 24/7 not just at nighttime.

Actualy tbf i suppose strictly speaking we bedshare as DD is so old. We didn’t co sleep much when she was a small baby- she had an attached cot. She started bed sharing at about 9 months. At 4 it’s not in the slightest bit dangerous. Newborns are obviously different

We bedshared with DD2 until she was 2. Yes, I think it does result in a 'worse sleeper' but it meant I could continue to breastfeed on demand overnight until she was 2 as per WHO guidelines. And, that was my priority rather than sleep.

Her attachment is better than DD1's who went into her room at 6 months and 'slept through' 🙄 before 12 months.

If I had a DC3, I would prioritise breastfeeding and attachment over sleep again.

We’ve pretty much coslept from 6 months. At about 12 months DS started sleeping through. We all get a lovely night’s sleep together now (DS is nearly 14 months)

Stargirl I can’t believe you gave up sleep to breastfeed until 2 because WHO said so. That’s some sacrifice. What do you think was the benefit to your D.C.? Especially breastfeeding through the night at that age?

I don't know if co-sleeping disrupts the baby's sleep but it's a discipline thing I think, once a baby is over that initial 0 -3 month phase. A bit like allowing a dog in your bed. Some folks like their dogs in their bed, some don't...
You can't run your home like military command but kids (like dogs) thrive when they know that the adults in their lives are in control. In my view (only one view), parents risk undermining that safe feeling that 'mum and dad are in control' by not setting boundaries around bed, bedtime, private spaces etc. Allowing them to determine where they sleep gives them too much power over their parents, which may have the perverse impact of creating anxiety in them.

It's so interesting to see how other people approach parenting. I really, profoundly disagree with you about the need for "discipline" for babies and the idea that you should not allow a baby to have too much "power" over their parents. I get where you're coming from but your way of thinking is totally alien to me.

Always co slept, never any issues sleeping or moving to sleep on own. All babies and people different , so you do what is best for your family.

I totally get it French. We hugely regret not teaching any sleep discipline and I think our daughter has suffered for it too.

I coslept with both of mine for 6 months each.
First DC was always a good sleeper and slept well, second one was an awful sleeper and woke every hour.
I coslept because I exclusively breastfed and it made my life easier.

Both went into their own rooms at 6 months and both have slept through 10-12 hours since.

I think it's down to luck really.

birdsgotafly I full agree, DD was a good baby and swould settle easy, DS would not be put down for a minute without screaming, I was constantly rocking or carrying him for nearly a year.

Your 2 year old fed in the night? Fucking hell, yes that is a bad bedfellow. I fed my children beyond age 2, but they still slept through the night at the usual age of a couple of months old. I don’t think the WHO mean your child needs all night feeding 😂

My nearly 2 year old doesn’t even have milk anymore

French I’m with you on this - I don’t feel I should make me kids sleep somewhere ie alone if they don’t feel safe or comfortable there.
They won’t be little forever, and for now, if they need me and their dad for comfort through the night, then that’s what we are there for

We hugely regret not teaching any sleep discipline and I think our daughter has suffered for it too.

Interesting. How old is your daughter, and what are the issues that you're having?

My experience is the opposite, I guess. I'm so glad that we eventually went down the co-sleeping route and only wish we had done it earlier. Our motivation was simply to get some sleep, but now I feel that there have been many other benefits.

We're well past the co-sleeping stage now, though - dd is 13 and my problem now is getting her out of bed in the morning!

She’s 4, and yes, co sleeping meant we could all sleep in the early days. We have tried on and off to get her in her own bed nearly all that time. She needs someone to lay next to her to go to sleep- inevitably that means when it’s me I just stay up there. I have been going to bed at 8.30 and being kicked all night for years now. I hate it. None of us have enough room and she won’t go into her own bed, either crying or just waking out and into ours.

I co-slept/sleep with both of mine. It's how the human race survived before the Victorian era (so that babies were protected from predators at night).

DS1 is 5 and still pops through a lot occasionally. Am trying to night wean DS2 who is 2.

I liked the snuggles, I think they did, too. I don't really like cots. Anyway, whatever works for you.

Co sleeping won't help good sleep routines - what about if you want or need a night away? Or even just get a babysitter for the evening ? What happens when they wake up and you're not there?
When they're little babies it's a life saver but after six months it's time to get them used to the cot if you want to get your evenings and nights back.
It was a life changer for me when i could put them in their cot at 7pm knowing they'd sleep through uninterrupted

@thirtyrock we’ve only ever used family as babysitters but it’s never been a problem. Me and my DH have gone out once a week since birth.