How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

My kids got bored at certain developmental stages,needed stimulation,different interactions and experiences
Of course babies get bored, they’re rapidlly developing physically & mentally

After a few months babies want/need to be active, not passive. They learn about the world by interaction with it, exploring it, experimenting with it. It's not about achievement but it is about doing.

Could he have shorter days at nursery with the nanny taking him to nursery mid-mirning and collecting him at teatime so that he has more one-to-one in his own home and he diesn't need lifted if he falls asleep?

Sounds like a sensible plan. Definitely talk to his primary carer at the nursery about your concerns and remind her what he enjoys, what frustrates him etc. My only other reservation around nursery under your circumstances would be that they do tend to get a lot of colds and sicknesses in the beginning. I have had calls to pick up my daughter within an hour a couple of times due to her having a temperature etc. Do you have anyone who could step in under these circumstances to pick him up?

Ignore petrol, she seems to be on a wind up.

I'd really consider a nanny because you wouldn't miss days because of illness and simply because you are very far away in case of an emergency.

Or even if he's just very upset- he'll cry for 2 hours, nursery calls and then he has to wait another two hours.

I think what would worry me would be their inability to settle your baby. If your nanny is an option, even if only short term, maybe that's a better option for now.
You also might find that in a years time, a nursery is a more feasible option. There are also some fabulous childminders which might be a good middle ground?
It's a hard decision for you, but trust your instincts. You know your baby best.

@Tidy2018 it's a good idea but it'd end up costing a fortune because we've got to pay for a full day at the nursery & then nanny's extra hours on top if we did that. The nursery is a set rate per day for 7-7 irrespective of what hours the child is there.

@CheshireChat the opposite is partly why we went the nursery route. The nannies said they could take holiday with 1/2 months notice at random times of the year and it was up to us to find alternate cover if they were sick short notice or had their own childcare/life related things happening so it seemed more secure to have the nursery which only hinges on DS. DS has always got a runny nose or cold (all the toddlers do at the classes!) but the nursery doesn't turn them away with that otherwise they'd probably never have any children! 🙈

I work in a nursery , I would say go with the nanny. It generally can take a few weeks to settle but if he's getting so upset they have called you on several occasions I would say that's not too normal. He's only little and 12
Hours is a long day too, a nanny will be much better suited for him at this age even if it is a bigger expense, as he can have routine in his own home and one on one.

God, some of the comments on here are both mad and horrible. I assume moderation is a bit slower because it's night time, but I wouldn't be surprised to see the whole thread removed there are so many people pushing their own anti-nursery agenda rather than actually answering the question OP asked.

I also don't know why people keep telling OP that her baby is only little. As if she might have forgotten his age and got him mixed up with an 8 year old or something.

Some children can take weeks to settle so you haven't really given it long enough yet and when your child is attending for 3 long days he should begin to settle quicker. However, if he is ill e.g. experiences diarrhoea or sickness at nursery, they will expect you to collect and remove him very quickly for the protection of the other children and staff's health and well being so how is that going to work if you are both two hours away? Nannies and childminders will operate a similar policy.

It's time, I think, to re-evaluate the fact that both of you work a long distance away from home and decide what is best for your family going forward.

Yes you’re right op,nursery is more reliable & consistent for 2 working parents

@quizqueen my commute is 2 hours in rush hour because of terrible traffic but on a straight run during the day its 45 minutes although unfortunately my travelling is done at rush hour due to my hours. DH is on public transport so his is fixed. Assuming DS was sick, they'd be calling outside of rush hour otherwise he'd just have been left off or about to be collected anyway so at random times of day, I'd be an hour at most.

He hates being in the house & seems bored & frustrated but loves being out around new people and busy places so a nursery seemed ideal.

Long time childminder and nursery practitioner here and I have to say I'm shocked at the parent bashing and nursery bashing on here.

There are good and bad in all sorts of early years provision and gut instinct is a crucial tool for working out what's best for your own child.

However I have to take issue with your comment about him hating being in the house. With a nanny he can be out and about in different places every day. In a nursery, he will basically be in one room plus a garden for most of every day and around pretty much the same people.

Of course nurseries move children around and do trips out but that will happen a lot less in a nursery than with a good nanny.

It sounds like your DS needs a really deep key-person relationship. This will happen naturally with a nanny or childminder and it can happen in nurseries, depending on how the implement the key person role. If this person is just the one who does the observations and fills in the paperwork for your child that won't be great. If they make a big effort to ensure that one or two key people do all the caring for your son, nappy changes, cuddles, feeding, etc, so he can build really secure and comforting relationships quickly it should be OK.

i would also go with the nanny. If the expense is the issue have you thought about a childminder, a good one in your local area will also be useful when your DC is at school although in my area you would be hard pushed to find one who works until 7

I personally think a single caregiver is better for a baby. Doesn't have to be the same caregiver all the time. It's just a personal opinion though, not judging those who dont share my opinion!

Is there a nursery available close to where either of you work?Can you do a phased return to work so you and your baby can spend more time at the nursery together and give him time to get used to it? And if you are at home for a few more weeks you can collect him a bit quicker.

I pay for a nanny at the moment and it works so well- for three days a week. It's worth every last penny . Ds is in his own home , she takes him to the local park , naps in his own bed , plays in the harden and has lovely relaxing happy days in his own home . I feel so much better for it .

How is he in the car?
Would it be worth taking him with you and using a Childminder near to your work? Or dhs work?
Sorry if that's a mad suggestion, 2hours is probably too long, I only suggest it because when I went back to work, ds was 9months old, I took him on the bus with me to town so he wasn't too far away and I could be with him soon after my shift finished rather than paying for an extra hour it took me to get back near to home.
Sorry he's taking a while to settle, it must be awful for all of you.
Nothing against nurseries at all my son was very happy at his and it suited him. I might have felt differently if he had been upset there. I was very lucky with a very easy going baby.
I can see why you are looking for alternatives it's just heartbreaking to see your baby so upset.

And also , I'd say the right of your existing baby to be happy and get one to one care that you can afford , trumps your desire for another baby that incurs the expense of fertility treatment

He's very little for such long hours.

I'm very quick to defend working parents against batshit 1950s views but...

It's unsavoury to say the least, reading the stuff about having to pay nursery fees and nanny fees. Your baby is crying himself to sleep.

I don't get it. You had fertility treatment. You want to save for more fertility treatment. I think you should prioritise the child you already have. And if that means spending more, so be it.

I hadn't even read the PP before I posted. Glad I'm not alone in my thinking!

@sherazade I didn't say it was either or 🙄 if I couldn't afford a nanny, I wouldn't be looking into it. Like I said, I originally chose the nursery as it seemed like the best option for us, not because of cost & to change now would mean incurring several months charges of the nursery on top of the nanny. That's over £2000 per month for 3 days childcare paying both together. That's a lot of money & I think most people would try to avoid it if possible hence asking for advice before doing it. Our contract is several months termination fee
With the nursery- it's a lot of money to waste without being certain it's necessary.

Another mum here who works in a nursery. Honestly I’d suggest a childminder or nanny. Agree to review in a year if you need to.

I might be wrong here, but do you have to actually employ a nanny? We could never afford a nanny so I must admit I don’t know much about engaging one. It isn’t something we ever considered.

If you do, that would absolutely put me off.