How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

Childminder is the best thing I ever did x

My DD didn’t enjoy any of her settling in sessions (she had about 8 of them) and when it came time for her to go 3 full days a week I said I’d give it 2 weeks and if it still wasn’t working I’d pull her out and find a childminder. On days 1 and 2 there were tears at drop off but she was alright after a while. She refused food for the first 2 days and only had short sleeps after cuddling and then on day 3 was much better, ate lots and slept well. Then the next week the tears stopped and after about 3 weeks not even a backwards glance and she was off playing/straight to the breakfast table. We’re 6 months in now and she adores nursery and has come on leaps and bounds

user1499,yes! I favour regulated,anonymous,aesthetically austere environment
I so, do. It beats the fluffy wuffy intimate and sheltered setting of their own home

Very occasionally you get the feeling that some children might in fact be better off in a nursery than with their parents (this is not aimed at you, OP).

Ds attended nursery from 6mths 2.5 days a week, he screamed and cried and had to be prized from me so I could leave, I would get in car and sob. I regularly had to collect as he would get himself into such a state and would vomit. I honestly dreaded it, he was a Velcro baby with severe reflux from 3 weeks of age so not a laid back baby I always heard about. It caused constant rows between my dh and I as he felt we should persevere with nursery, easy as he worked away and never dropped off or collected. I did persevere until I went on maternity leave with dd when after 6 months of this at every session I never took him back. At 2yrs he started at the local preschool, I was dreading it. Thankfully he loved it and has never shed a tear nearly 18mths later. Go with what feels right OP, explore other childcare options and find one that suits. Absolutely nothing wrong with nursery but some settings don't always fit.

@HermioneKipper thanks for sharing, that's really reassuring. At baby classes, he's off trying to sit on the teacher's knee to be the centre of attention & couldn't care less if I left as long as someone is paying him attention so hopefully he'll settle in like your little girl did. I thought he'd love the nursery environment because of what he's like at classes but maybe it will just take time.

Nanny or childminder here. My son was the same, hated it. He's thrived with an amazing childminder

My 11 month old fucking loves nursery! Bounces with excitement when we walk down the drive.

mine too! I do give him a haribo on the way though which helps

Nothing new to add as i think you've had some good advice already (and some truly shocking 'advice' too- comparing a 13 month old to a dog...Jesus Christ get a grip...) However,
if you would prefer a Nanny and can afford it, I personally would just because I think 1:1 attention would put your mind at ease more.

Just wanted to say that you sound like a thoughtful and intelligent mum who is really trying to do her best in a tricky situation. Ignore the posters saying such dreadful things about why bother having children if they're going to go back to work...newsflash: people have to/often want to work. 13 months isn't tiny, I'm planning on putting my Dd in nursery when she's 9 months shock horror! 12 hours is long, yes, but it's not forever or even all week necessarily.

My kids all loved nursery, they had great friends whom they’ve retained contact with
Mn orthodoxy is to handwring and catastrophise nursery with prediction of dysfunction
Some folk simply have an anti nursery agenda

If this nursery isn't working, I'd definitely try a childminder. That works much better for us, though our 15 month old only has to go for 8 hours a day and on the occasions we have had to leave her there a bit longer she is distraught by the time we collect her as it's a bit too long a day.

Is there any way you and your OH can stagger your start times at all? We do that so one of us goes to work early and leaves early, while the other drops off baby then gets to work later but works later.

Alternatively it might actually be better if you worked 4 shorter days.

Then there's the nanny option (though given that would be expensive you might be better to try other options like childminder, or reduced hours before). There's lots of options for you though and I'm sure you will find something that suits you and DS is happy with.

Don’t change work pattern stick to long days and 4 days off

How can a baby be 'bored'. Sorry don't understand that at all.

2 of mine had a terrible time getting used to nursery. The other 2 adjusted quickly but I feel that was because they were younger. I don’t know how old your DC is but my 2 who had trouble were just over 2 years old and just didn’t want to be there. Similar to you mine needed to be in nursery 8am - 6pm 3 days a week. After the initial few weeks of screaming they started to settle and enjoyed it so much that on days at home with me they wanted to see their nursery friends and actually asked to go in!

It’s a personal choice but for me I wanted nursery over childminder, perhaps because I didn’t find the right childminder. I think in the long run the nursery setting suited my kids better.

I do think the older the are the more they know how to express their displeasure and the loner it takes to settle.

My DD went at 14 months for 2 days, my DS at 5 months for full days (9h). It took 4-6 weeks before they actually adjusted and enjoyed nursery. However, if I could have afford it, I'd have had the nanny. Chilminders in my area weren't as good. Now he goes 2 mornings until he starts school nursery. His nursery is amazing, I'm very happy with it, but babies get ill quite often when the start nursery, think 3-5 days every couple of months. With a nanny his care doesn't suffer and you can still go to work, with nursery you have to take leave. If you are late for pick up, you could negotiate with the nanny better, nursery might be less forgiving.

And don’t listen to the crap about not having a child if you are going to put in nursery - we’re not all millionaires and most of us need to work!

How can a baby be bored? Well the same way as everyone else - only more quickly because they have very short attention spans. Ds1 was a total pain before he became mobile - just constant frustration unless we were actively on the go.

I forgot to add that the 4-6 weeks were to the stage of giggling when going to nursery. I also realised that in weeks 3-6 they would cry whilst I was there, but if I hid behind the door and waited a few minutes before leaving, they would stop crying. The quicker I did the handover, they better they responded, I had too do it very "matter of fact" and cheerfully, even if inside I was feeling teary.

petrolpump28
A 13 month old can of course be bored! Are you being serious? Have you ever spent time with a toddler?!

OP, my DD isn't much older than your DC. If she was strapped into a bouncer she'd go mental. Not at all appropriate for a walking toddler. I'd find that really upsetting personally.

Fgs, 12 hours is too long etc etc
12 hours isn’t too long if the baby/toddler is well looked after.
It seems that MN has gone back to the 1950 today with all the talk of ‘I was a SAHM instead’ etc etc
Also if the nursery is on 7 till 7, there is a reason. For a lot of people, there is no other choice (see the amount of commuting the OP is doing) So maybe stop having a go at people for things they cant control

OP my dcs have been at nursery since they were 5 months old. Long days too. They are teens now and very well balanced.
I’ve also had issue with a nursery. And i found the best is to trust your gut. 2 hours of solid crying is a hell of a long time! I wouldn’t have been happy with that.
I would go with the nanny for the time being. And then take the time to look at CM around too.

I think you’re absolutely right to find an alternative, OP. Could be another nursery, a childminder or a nanny. The poor wee soul - he sounded so sad when you described him. Hope you can work something else out. I really feel for you; what a difficult situation.

Yes I understand the baby needs stimulation some of the time.. voices, colours, movement, music, all good. But how can he/she be bored? Maybe boredom is no bad thing. Must we constantly be achieving!
/

I tried for a couple of months to settle my son at nursery. It was a bloody dreadful experience for all of us. He was dreadfully upset, his sleep went to pot, he spent all of his days with me clinging on like a baby monkey, to distressed to be put down. I ended up giving up work, as I couldn't bear another day of leaving him wailing and coming back to him wailing. It was so damaging for both of us.

Get the nanny. I would have, had it been financially viable. Get the nanny, don't leave your baby distressed.

@Cyantist no unfortunately not, I have to work set hours with the role I do. DH is already getting up at 5.30am to work long days so he can leave early to do the pick up. I've said 7-7 to be safe but realistically it's more 6/6.15 when his trains and connections are all on time....which is 50/50 so said 7 as worst case scenario as it'd be 7 if I did the pick up.

@petrolpump28 do you have children/met a toddler?!!