How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

2 out of my 3 were at nursery full time from a year. we all got through it but you need to follow your instincts. nobody knows your ds or indeed you better than you!
you will not be able to focus and work effectively if you are not happy with ds care. i would also add in all the days of unpaid leave you will take whilst ds gets everything going in nursery. with a nanny if he does pick up a cold she will have him.

Blinkyblink... Now have a slight dread feeling in my stomach about putting DD with childminder! Although I'm as certain as I can reasonably be that she's not like that.

Pay the Nanny. That day is too long to be at nursery and hating it. You are far too far away in an emergency. I get that you want to save for potential future fertility treatment but you need to invest in your current child’s welfair. You know this, your DH needs to realise this. Your nanny can give him a much happier day going out and about and keeping to his routine.

I am not nursery bashing. I just think in your circumstances there is a more suitable option available to you. You can try nursery again in 18 months or so.

12hrs is okay duration at nursery,baby can and Will get used to it
It’s nursery not internment camp
Op needs to be breezy appear happy for her child,and persevere with nursery
For many mn posters no amount of nursery time is a good thing. They’ll endlessly handwringing and make emotionally expansive statements about how bad nursery is. they’ll even rustle up some dodgy research about elevated cortisol

Follow your instincts- my first DD did 4yrs at nursery no problem my second DD we pulled her out of the same nursery after 4 wks as she just didn’t settle well. I found a Childminder who she loved there were no tears from day 1 and a very different experience. Best decision I ever made. I’d go with your nanny for a year then review, your lo will change a lot over the next few years.

Nursery, socialisation, fun times. careers all good. A 12 hour day and presumably a completely different day the next day,not good.

Milestones for a baby and naming animals, miserable.

Please OP, don't listen to all of this guilt inducing bollocks. Maybe so a longer settling in, you'll be fine.

I'd go with the nanny. He wont be little for long and you will have peace of mind.

12 hours at nursery is an awfully long time for a baby. Especially if his parents are 2 hours away. Do you think he will settle better with a child minder OP?

Nobody on here knows your ds so cant give advice. You are going to have to do what you think is best for him. No advice sorry, other than babies are babies for a very short time. Is there any way you can reduce your working hours?

My DD does days at Nursery and days not and she's happy as Larry. It took a while but now she's flexible, happy and balanced. If 12hrs of Nursery were cruel it wouldn't be open. Ignore OP!

As PP say, 12 hour days at nursery are very long. Your baby will be so much happier with a nanny in his own home.

He will be little for the same length of time whether he’s in nursery Or with a nanny
nursery doesn’t steal years or affect littleness

And the nanny will give you a lot more flexibility if your baby is ill.

No a nanny is one individual, if that one individual is ill parents need to cover absence
Nursery is a staff group of more than 1. The nursery can relocate staff or book agency cover
1 nanny is much more precarious

The nursery is already calling the OP’s DH to collect early! Hardly reliable childcare!

Lipstick, I'm not sure the OP needs to do anything other than what she and her DH believe to be in their DS's best interests. If she had no choice but to use a nursery, appearing to be breezy and happy would be good advice. However, she does have choices.

The nannies I have known have been brilliant (of course, there are exceptions, just as there are with CMs, nurseries and, yes, parents). The ones I've known have routines (meals, naps, stories, songs, etc - all the things that are so reassuring to very small children), and combine them with relatively low-key trips to the park, picnics, toddler groups, and domestic activities. They are completely engaged with the children, but not obsessed by them. If you can afford a nanny, I'd say there was absolutely no debate to be had.

No a nanny is one individual, if that one individual is ill parents need to cover absence
Nursery is a staff group of more than 1. The nursery can relocate staff or book agency cover
1 nanny is much more precarious - I don't agree. Most nannies will carry on through most colds and bugs. If they feel under the weather, the vast majority of parents don't mind them having a quiet TV day with the baby they are caring for. The issue at nursery is not the staff illness but the baby's illness - a nanny will look after a little one with conjunctivitis or a temperature or being generally under the weather - the nursery won't - and will understandably have procedures around length of time off after vomiting etc.

I can afford a nanny, chose nursery. Actively wanted the nursery model

The nursery can relocate staff or book agency cover

Great for babies.

Lipstick do you run a nursery or something? We are talking about a baby lying on the floor screaming for 2 hours. Nursery staff will be used to calling when a child will settle and get over it and when parents need to be called. Convenience and cost (the op can afford a nanny) surely come second to a child’s well being? Seeing/knowing that your child is in distress is one of the worst things. You can’t blame parents for wanting to minimise that if possible.

I've spoken to DH. Agreed we will give nursery a go for the next 2 weeks. We will both stay in the near vicinity for the first 2 days. Beyond that, he will leave work at short notice if he doesn't settle. After that, we'll get the nanny if things aren't any better.

In answer to the queries, he had trial sessions about 6 weeks ago & was fine although the sessions were only half an hour, the nursery then said they couldn't do any more until now so there's been a huge gap which I agree isn't ideal. He has a key worker but I don't think he knows her or has really had a chance to get to know her. The reason we went for a nursery at the start over a nanny was that we couldn't find a nanny or childminder we clicked with after looking & the staff at the nursery seemed lovely. He hates being in the house & seems bored & frustrated but loves being out around new people and busy places so a nursery seemed ideal. We didn't pick a nursery over a nanny to save money- we did it because it seemed right at the time. I will speak to the nursery- I did give them as much information as I could when we went for our initial "get to know me" but last time he was upset, he was put in a bouncer & was there screaming when DH collected him. As a walking baby, he will go crazy if put in a bouncer & restricted so perhaps it is because they aren't used to him or what he doesn't like. I really don't know.

Now, if we change, we're liable to pay 2 months for the nursery (as per our contract) on top of the nanny fees which is why DH is so hesitant and that I can understand.

Some families like the anonymity and regulatory environment of institutional settings, others prefer the intimate and sheltered setting of their own home.

Grandma are you the full ticket?
Do I run a nursery, well clearly you can’t comprehend that my answers could come from personal experience,preference,POV
Ergo I must have an agenda
Oh go on then yes you’ve got me rumbled I run Gloomy days nursery & kennels.im loaded too

I wouldn’t be happy to pay a nursery to put my 13 mo in a bouncer! He’s far to old for that. Mine would have gone bananas at that age too. Maybe it’s not the right nursery?

What a stressful situation for you OP - really feel for you.

I think you should go with your instincts and organise the nanny.
Going back to work is hard and worrying enough, and you want to feel assured your DS is happy. It doesn't sound like the nursery have been attentive enough and I'd be devastated to pick up my children and find them screaming in a bouncer.

All the best.