How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

I have a good reason for not supporting nurseries under two years old.

My father was put in a nursery from six months old, and he suffered horribly without someone to hold him and show him affection, he became withdrawn and he has found it very hard forming attachments with anyone since then. My father married my mother but feels very insecure and has always felt she would leave him. He still talks about how traumatic he found the nursery, he is seventy years old.

Would I use a nursery? No, not for babies and young children. They need primary attachment above all else.

babydreamer1

Childminders will be doing this any way

My daughter attends baby gym , two different stay and plays and visits the local farm once a month she has encouraged all to get a yearly farm pass and they go all the time
She takes them to the park and any local events festivals like open day at the local fire station they also attend things like sports days for the older ones who’s parents can’t get the day off they made Pom poms and banners and went down to support one of the 8 year olds at his sports day on Tuesday 😬

My little boy is now 5 and very sociable however we did start him off at nursery at 13 months and he hated it. Really hated it and it was heartbreaking. We decided to take him out and we were not sure what to do when I was made redundant.
I stayed at home for another year and then just after he reached 2 he went to pre-school and absolutely loved it. He is at school and loves it too. Never had a problem with drop off and he has always wanted to go in - everyday.
I agree with previous posters I think, for some not all, the nursery setting between 1yr - 2 yrs is just not suitable and there's no shame looking for a different solution. After all of you really hated your job and it made you cry you'd look for something different wouldn't you as you're there for a long time each day? Why should it be any different for your child, you want them to be happy.
Go for the Nanny - all of you will be happier in the long run and re-assess in 12 months.

likeacrow speaks good sense.

I think if your having to ask other people you know yourself it’s time to take him out some babies just need their mummy’s more and sounds like he doesn’t like where he is I had the same thing with one of my children the others were fine we took him out and everything was much better also he’s probably sensing your anxious about leaving him there and that will be making it worse hope you’re ok it’s so hard leaving knowing your kids are not happy

I have a good reason for not supporting nurseries under two years old.

My father was put in a nursery from six months old, and he suffered horribly without someone to hold him and show him affection, he became withdrawn and he has found it very hard forming attachments with anyone since then. My father married my mother but feels very insecure and has always felt she would leave him. He still talks about how traumatic he found the nursery, he is seventy years old.

While we're doing random anecdotes... I was put in full-time nursery at 7 months. I am very happily married with a great relationship with both my parents. I have no memory of nursery, obviously, but I don't feel any more scarred or messed up than anyone else, and that includes the many people I know who have horrific and difficult relationships with their SAHMs (I also know people with great relationships with SAHMs - my point isn't that one is better, but that I could never tell from looking at adults and their relationships who did or didn't go to nursery).

I actually am very alarmed when I see pratctiors trying to get children under 3 to do “academic work”children learn through play
IMO 3 & 4 year olds should also primarily learn through play, but unfortunately FS (foundation stage) learning is becoming increasingly "academic" in this country. That's a whole other topic for discussion however!

The more posters know about early years development, the warier they are of nurseries...

likeacrow - I agree that the academic pressure on tiny children in England is extraordinary. Why they need to learn to read and write before they have acquired sufficient oral vocabulary and syntax for literacy to be meaningful and sufficient fine motor control to learn proper penmanship is quite beyond me!

Children don’t “get used to it”. They give up and shut down. It’s damaging!

I remember being at nursery. I remember the sandpit and the water table. I remember being told off for nipping a baby. I remember not liking that care worker after that. I remember crying when my mum dropped me off. I also remember crying when she left me with my gran. I even remember crying when she collected me early before I'd finished painting. I do not remember ever thinking "Gosh how many hours have I been here now?" or "this is the 3rd day in this hellhole" or "I will never forgive my parents for this".

Of course your baby will cry. He wants his mum and dad. Nursery, childminder or nanny wont change that. But once he gets in to a routine, starts to recognise people, and realises you'll be back he will be fine. Your concerns about a childminder/nanny taking leave or getting ill is perfectly valid. There are plenty of threads on here about employers getting snippy with parents having to take time off for childcare reasons. At least with nursery you only need to worry about when he is too ill to attend which hopefully wont be often. You'd be daft to move to one closer to work. 2 hours in a car seat would not be fun.

Are we playing the I hate/I love nursery parlour game. Oh goody
Well all my kids attend nursery.FT,mon- fri 8-6.because it suited us
No dysfunction,no attachment issues,no tics,no drama
The mn prediction of childhood catastrophe & trauma was,well,somewhat overstated

I really hate the fact that any childcare thread turns into nursery bashing and scaremongering

Some nurseries are great, some are not
Some children do well at nursery, some don’t

I’m pretty sure a child would be better off in a good nursery than at home with a SAHP who is depressed because they don’t want to be one, or stressed and struggling to pay the bills

I would choose a nanny, 100% in this scenario. He is telling you loud and clear that he is unhappy and unsettled, I would do whatever you can do appease that.

Failing that, a nursery closer to where you work so that you can be there quicker in times of problems. I would hate to be 2 hrs away, I'm not sure the nursery would like it either.

Failing that, a nursery closer to where you work so that you can be there quicker in times of problems.

How are people still suggesting this?! Yes, four hours a day in a car seat (presumably still backwards facing so he can't even see his parent) - what a wonderful bonding time that will be. SO much better than being in nursery.

Go with your gut instinct. End of

I think a lot of parents would be unhappy at the thought of their child having to stay in a nursery for two hours when they were ill and needed to be at home

Firstly, OP has actually clarified upthread that it takes her less than two hours in peak times, so while her child would have to do her four hour commute with her if he came with her daily, she could actually be back quicker during the day.

Secondly, is an ill child sitting in a car seat actually all that much better than sitting in nursery for the same length of time? She wouldn't get him home any quicker.

Secondly, is an ill child sitting in a car seat actually all that much better than sitting in nursery for the same length of time? She wouldn't get him home any quicker.

Exactly. A child puking up in the back of a car where you cant see him is really better than waiting with trained first aiders?

@BookatBedtime
“It’s possible for people to reply saying that a nanny sounds like a better option in this case without that meaning that nursery is a terrible choice for every child.”

You can’t have read any of the replies I was referring to. I can’t see how you could have read them and missed my point so spectacularly.

Plenty of people have said that this nursery doesn’t sound like the best option for this child (myself included). I’m objecting to the people posting variations on “all nurseries are evil and damage children”.

Lipstick - I’m sure your children are fine relative to your internalised benchmark standard of childcare and child development. Which is in all probability very different to many on this thread.

It sounds as if you are putting a materialistic lifestyle before the happiness of your family life. People would surely only make a 2 hour trip to work everyday for mega bucks? Unless I have read it wrong? There is no way could I do that to my 13 month old boy. Although I do understand that some people have to work even when there children are young. At what cost would you go through with this arrangement? They’re only young once, it goes so quickly and what exactly is the point in having children to shove them in a nursery for 12 hours a day? A nursery can’t give them the love a family can or even a nanny.

Not going to make any judgement on your careers but I would ask your dh what it is that is more important that he wants to spend money on than quality childcare for his child?

12 hours a day? Nanny.

And read up on attachment theory - or rather get your DH to.