How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

That’s too long a day for a baby. Your dh sounds awful. You won’t be able to relax and concentrate on your work knowing your baby is so upset. I’ve worked in bursaries and there were a few children who just could not settle into a nursery setting and cried constantly. They were so distressed, very upsetting to see. For whatever reason your child needs a nanny and your dh should be supportive of that.

*nurseries!

Personally I think 4 sessions isn’t enough. My son settled in gradually and he does 4 days a week. Each week he settled more and now he’s absolutely fine. Does your son have a key worker? Nursery isn’t for all children but I’d definitely give him longer before you take him out.

Sorry, haven't rtft, so don't know if this has been suggested\you've already considered\already looked into and dismissed etc.

But what about a nursery closer to work? Is there a suitable one? Then your child could be with you or their dad (depending on whose work he'd be closer to) for the journey and one of you would be close for emergencies. The nursery care would only be for 8-9 hours as drop off would be later and pick up would be earlier.

Of course, this is only possible if there is a suitable nursery close to one of your workplaces, if your child would be happy travelling that far etc. etc.

Sorry if it's already been suggested, but thought I'd mention it in case it hasn't.

Also, I think 12 hour days are a lot for a one year old to do in nursery. It might be possible to work up to it gradually, but I get the impression you need it sorted soon so you won't have the time to do a gradual build up if hours.

I hope you get this sorted to all your benefits OP.

My nursery use was 8-6 Mon to Friday.kids loved nursery and it suited me

OP, he is a baby. He's been on this planet for one year. One year. At that age all they need are the basics of food etc and love. That's all. Nursery environments can be too overwhelming and stimulating for many children. Yes, people have to use them, and for some children they may be fine. But if your child shows signs of not being ok with 12 hour days there please pay heed, particularly if you can do something about it.

Use a nanny/ childminder.. the crying face of my two year old son in the back of a friends car, going off to nursery will haunt me till the day I die...

Yup,and those basics like food,accommodations cost real actual money
Love doesn’t fill a fridge. A mother’s love doesn’t pay a mortgage
So in real world baby has needs food,nappies,toys,accommodation that are financial commitment

I'd probably look for a child minder in your shoes.

We were fortunate in that DS started at nursery at 9months and has always been absolutely fine. We've made a point of just putting him down, getting him interested with a toy and walking out. He really likes the staff and apart from shorter naps when he is there, we have had no problems. He does 2 full days 8-3 and 8-5 and enjoys it, and goes to my mum on the other days.

If he hadn't though, i don't think i would have forced it.

I notice the baby has gone back to being referred to as a baby, not a toddler.

Love doesn’t pay the mortgage no. But the OP has stated they can afford a childminder or a nanny. They don’t have to send their lo to nursery.

the time away from the son will be the same irrespective of whether it’s nanny or cm
Op still has same commute and work pattern. Same length of day

But the experience for her son won’t necessarily be the same with a CM/nanny instead of a nursery. Which is the point of the thread isn’t it?

The baby will be in his own home. It's not just an issue of being away from a parent.

Our older DC had a nanny and they slept in until 9am when they were little. Sometimes DH saw them in the day too, as he worked in the same town not far away and could drop home or by the park.

I would think 'home based care' , be it a nanny or a childminder or family member would be different from a nursery.

Of course love doesn't pay a mortgage! My point was that if there's enough financially for the basics all they need aside from that is love and care, so if you can afford it do all you can to ensure they get the best care!

Oh god. Please take the nanny. I beg you. It’s a short term cost. The nurseries in this country are pretty awful. I’ve experienced a few and I couldn’t bear it. The staff are underpaid and too young to have any maternal instincts. They are not caring for your baby and 12 hours is a crazy amount of time for the poor soul. Take the nanny. Overrule your husband and men don’t understand stuff like this.

at this age,they need very little in the way of material goods. The old cliche about the wrapping paper being of more interest than the gift.

Nannies also offer plenty of flexibility to adapt to children's personalities. Some babies/toddlers like being outside at a park or playground, some like swimming, some like music classes, some like baby gym, some like going to the shops... Easier to adapt to a baby's changing tastes and developing personality in a non-institutional setting.

What is the point in having their baby miserable so they can use their money to have another miserable baby?

This

My son has been going to nursery since he was 8 months old, 2 days a week (8.45-5.15) and he settled in brilliantly, he was never upset at all when I dropped him off until he got quite a bit older, by which point he had a good relationship with his key worker and she would give him a cuddle and/or distract him with one of his favourite toys.

So I’m not anti-nursery, i use one myself and it works for DS, but I wouldn’t be using it if he wasn’t happy there and it wasn’t working for us.

In your situation, OP, I would use a nanny or find a different nursery or childminder. It doesn’t sound like a good nursery - these two comments jumped out at me:

“he had trial sessions about 6 weeks ago & was fine although the sessions were only half an hour, the nursery then said they couldn't do any more until now so there's been a huge gap which I agree isn't ideal.”

They should have prioritised proper settling in sessions in the run up to him starting. The fact that they didn’t do this was a big warning sign.

Our nursery did 5 settling in sessions, starting with 1 hour and increasing to 5 hours, leading up to his start date.

I don’t know if there are Ofsted guidelines on it but maybe you could check.

“last time he was upset, he was put in a bouncer”

I’m really shocked at this actually. An upset baby/toddler should be cuddled, and soothed in whatever way is appropriate based on their age and preferences. A younger baby might have a dummy, a toddler might be distracted by an activity. I can imagine a younger baby might be soothed in a bouncer if that’s what soothes them at home, but a toddler who’s used to crawling or walking around?! No way. Did they not ask you how he likes to be soothed at home? When DS started his key worker ran through loads of questions about his likes and dislikes including things to try if he got upset.

I think you should trust your instincts on this one. If you feel that your DS is unhappy there and unlikely to settle, take him out.

Check the contract and Ofsted guidelines and see if you can find any basis to argue that you should be able to end the contract without having to pay a huge penalty. IMO they are failing in their duty to help him settle in properly.

Well you’ve got every cliche going on there downtrodden.Let’s count em
1.The nurseries in this country are pretty awful based on your limited few

1. *The staff are underpaid and too young to have any maternal instincts. They are not caring for your baby again based on your limited few. And ageist against young childless women

1. 12 hours is a crazy amount of time for the poor soul this is 1 child who hasn’t settled. Meanwhile many thousands of other babies & children do settle. nurseries offer 12 hr day to accommodate parent work patterm

4 Overrule your husband and men don’t understand stuff like this what do men understand?coding?business?complicated stuff? Is childcare only the domain of women. Who do gay fathers or single fathers ask when the male brain don’t understand stuff like this

What is the salary for a nursery worker?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee - nurseries offering 12 hour days does not make it right, nor in the child's best interests. If you have a viable alternative that is better for the child, why not use it?

My child was left while I went to work 12.5 hour shifts both nights and days plus the hour commute each way in top. Yes it was with my mum but to be honest he would have been fine in a nursery with caring staff.

He’s 8 and he Is fine. Ignore the haters! Most nurses have to leave their children for this length of time and their is a shit load of nurses out there!