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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents Babysitting

106 replies

Feb2018mumma · 27/06/2018 20:11

DH and me argue at least once a week...

I have said am happy for either set of parents to baby sit once baby is on food for a evening but not when I'm back at work, I want baby at nursery.

DH today says his parents should have baby when I am back at work in afternoons and if I say yes my parents can have him for 8 hours too... But it isn't about my parents having the baby!

His parents had him when they were quite old, we went for dinner the other day and his mum needed his help to get the lid of her cream and help to get off the floor when she sat on it... I have heard them all whispering about how they want to have baby to my DH when we have gone round (they go out the room but they are both slightly deaf so whisper really loud) but we always end up agreeing when we get home and he brings it up that his parents are too old and my parents won't have baby to be fair, also nursery is good for babies!

I can only assume that his parents asked him today as he's brought it up again, insisting this time... He shouted and said they should have him, I explain that they are older and couldn't cope...

Does anyone else have this problem? He is saying now they would be fine together, both grandma and grandad, just not either one alone and that all grandparents have grandchildren now? Surely this isn't right? I don't know anyone else who has elderly Grandparents caring for their children?

OP posts:
Marnie182 · 27/06/2018 20:49

Nope.
Baby will be well looked after and safe in nursery. I wouldn't risk leaving baby with elderly grandparents.
Imagine if something happened, you would never forgive yourself or DH.
YANBU

clownfaces · 27/06/2018 20:52

How old is elderly? I'm early 50's and DH has to help me up from the floor some days Grin

Lunaballoon · 27/06/2018 20:53

How old are they?

Catchuptv · 27/06/2018 20:54

Pay for the nursery - then it's your choice when they go off the bottle, when they're potty trained, what they eat etc etc.

If you can afford it nursery would be better imo.

divadee · 27/06/2018 20:54

Maybe have them on the emergency childcare list for when baby is too ill for nursery? A fair compromise.

TroubledLichen · 27/06/2018 21:00

Late 20s here and I sometimes have to be helped off the floor... like that time I went to the hardcore yoga class or if I’ve been on the wine.

Joking aside, your DH’s parents are elderly and doesn’t sound like they could cope with being in sole charge of a baby/toddler so I think you’re absolutely right not to allow them to do childcare. Nursery sounds much better for everyone involved. Maybe you could let them babysit overnight to appease them and your DH? But only if your DS is reliable sleeping through and you’re 110% certain he’d be safe in their care. The safety of baby has to come before their feelings.

confusedlittleone · 27/06/2018 21:03

You need a set a hard rule of no babysitting ever and then stick him in nursery

Minxmumma · 27/06/2018 21:16

Both my parents and dh parents are past retirement age. They manage quite well for themselves but no way would I leave dd (20months) with either couple for hours on end. It wouldn't be fair on any of them.

I have no doubt they adore her but they simply aren't quick enough to deal with her. She'd be up the stairs or out the dog flap before they realised. Even when we are at their houses and take a step back it is apparent that they wouldn't manage for a long period of time. She is just to lively and inquisitive.

That said my parents do take her out for a walk in her pram once a week but it is after lunch and she nods off, usual wakes just before they get back home.

My parents regularly looked after our older children but that was a decade ago at least and they were younger and fitter in every way.

cadburyegg · 27/06/2018 21:21

Age has nothing to do with it. My mum is in her early 70s and looks after DS 2 days a week. She loves doing so, she is fitter than I am and describes it as a “holiday”. She would be hugely insulted if I referred to her as “elderly”. My MIL isn’t 60 yet and can’t cope with DS on her own.

I’m 30 and often need help off the floor and can’t open a bottle of coke by myself. I’m perfectly able to chase after my DC though!

That being said, your baby your choice. But I don’t believe nursery for under 2s is “good for babies” - it’s a childcare option, nothing more. And I say that as someone who does use nursery for childcare.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2018 21:23

Well, help to get a right lid off something and to get up off the floor aren't necessarily bars to babysitting or many of ya wouldn't be looking after our own children! Can you say a bit more?

TrippingTheVelvet · 27/06/2018 21:25

How old is old?

Germantree · 27/06/2018 22:14

They sound a bit like my husband's parents, well meaning, lovely people and adore Dd but just not quick enough anymore to look after her on their own for longer than an hour or two. Not even old, mid 60s. Age is different for everyone and good for some people who are as sprightly in their 60s as their 30s, but for others people they need to slow down. Could your husband be resisting the reality that his parents aren't up to it and that has upset him a bit as he considers the future/adjusts his expectations of what they can do?

Anyway, the bottom line is, always, you do what is best for your child. If that's nursery over grandparents for whatever reason then so be it.

Ellendegeneres · 27/06/2018 22:20

Yanbu. I’m early 30s and I need help getting up, but my back is effed.
It’s not about their age, it’s about you not feeling confident that they could provide care that is suitable- and I sent my youngest to a childminder before was technically necessary (I’m not working) but because of the social interactions he’d get.

Your partners parents (and your own) can have grandparent time. Not expected regular childcare which very quickly becomes a drain and resentment builds quickly if you don’t like how certain things are being done.

CanaBanana · 27/06/2018 22:44

My DM was nearly 40 when she had me and I was nearly 40 when I had DS. She'd love to babysit but can't change nappies or manage tiny buttons with her arthritic hands. Sometimes she says silly things like "come and lie on the sofa with gran and have a snooze" - DS is 5 months and she appears to have no awareness of safe sleep guidelines despite being told several times. She also keeps offering him bits of cake etc despite him not even being weaned yet.

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable or safe with DS being left alone with her. I compromise by letting her babysit him in the next room while I have a bath or do housework, or letting her take him out round the block in the pram. I've said that when he's older, no longer in nappies and able to look after himself a bit, then (if she's still capable) she could have him at her house for the night.

Could this be a compromise for your in-laws so they still feel like they're babysitting? Can you trust them or are they likely to do silly things the same as my DM might?

Fruitcorner123 · 27/06/2018 22:53

Are you fearful for your DCs safety or do you just think they are too old to give your DC enough attention ? Could a compromise be that they have your DC one afternoon a week?

If it's a safety issue then YANBU. If your only reason for fearing for DCs safety is that they are a bit old then maybe you consider it part time?

Ultimately it's up to you but if they are capable it could be a really lovely experience for your DC to have time with grandparents. I would never have grandparent care 5 afternoons a week though, it's too much to expect and what would you do if they were ill or wanted a holiday?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/06/2018 23:05

Using family for regular childcare is a huge commitment. PIL looked after DD for 2 days and 2 nights a week (they asked to do this) and they were in their 60s. We had to have a really frank chat with them that they were committing to doing this week in, week out as we couldn't take annual leave to cover for them all the time. They really needed to see it as a job. It was fine but there was a little tension over what they were feeding DD (too many sugary fruit shoots leading to bowel problems and an anal fissure). We had to say only milk or water to drink which PIL found hard to take on board (as they were the ones feeding her the fruit shoots), it was much easier to say no sugary drinks to our childminder because we were paying her (and she had done loads of nutrition training so wasn't feeding them lots of sugar anyway).

Our DS is 3yo and he has been a boisterous, dashing off nightmare since he could walk. He's only just out of his reins but needs a stern reminder to hold hands (and a firm grip) near roads etc. I know that my PIL and my mum struggle to keep up with him for any length of time. He would easily climb to the top of a climbing frame (and not be able to get down again) or climb a bookcase (yep, he's done that!). However my DD was very placid, compliant and enjoyed sitting down doing crafts, so was a much better fit for them when she was younger. That said, our childminder is a similar age to my PIL, so it's not just about an age.

Plus, with a nursery, they're usually only shut for one or two weeks a year so you know exactly where you stand, you can usually book extra hours or days as needed to fit in around work etc, which isn't always easy to do with family.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/06/2018 23:10

I know two women in their 70's that look after their young grandchildren during the week. They cope just fine.

How old are these people?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 27/06/2018 23:14

It doesn't matter how old they are, what matters is how old they act!

You can meet an 85 year old marathon runner, and a 60 year old who can barely leave the sofa after being inactive all their life.

If the OP is not comfortable with them, a nursery is a much better choice and it's more reliable. Accepting family childcare when you don't need it means you can't impose any parenting rule, it's never ideal.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/06/2018 23:16

Not being able to take the lid off something or finding it hard to get up off the floor doesn't mean they are acting old!

IStillDrinkCava · 27/06/2018 23:33

A compromise might be to book the baby into nursery but say GPs are welcome to collect him after his after lunch nap on x day every week. If after a few months they are still champing at the bit every week, and you're more reassured that they have managed, then you could review. At the moment there's no evidence on either side of whether they can cope or not.

You say nurseries are good for babies, but so are GPs. Some of each is arguably ideal for the baby. But for you and your DP, IME nursery is way easier! When you are juggling work and parenting a young child, sometimes you do need to stick with what works for YOU. We have used GPs for regular childcare but in the end we went to all nursery, as I wasn't coping.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 27/06/2018 23:33

Acting might be the wrong word, I just meant people who are old and behave like oldies. You can compare with people of the same age who are super fit and super active.

Again, in itself age doesn't mean anything.

BellaJessica · 27/06/2018 23:36

In the olden days peoples grandparents were a lot older than they are nowadays. Blue rinse and walking stick old and they looked after grandkids a lot. Nowadays it seems any excuse. Like the deaf thing. Even young people can be deaf and raise kids safely. She seems nimble enough to sit on the floor even with help to get up. What is it you are worried about?

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 28/06/2018 04:18

In their late 70s, my two examples were to let you know the type of things, more would be grandad said he has never changed a nappy and won't start now and grandma it takes her about 10 minutes to do a nappy. Which I know you will probably say sometimes it takes you that long but why give him to people who find it difficult when there's a good nursery closer than their house? When he cries they give him back as aren't able to walk around with him. In terms of lids, if she can't get the lid of cream and has to ask my husband for help rather than her own husband then how could they open baby food/sudocrem. And when she has changed his nappy on the floor and off he crawls and she can't get up it just seems dangerous? I myself have health problems and am slow getting about BUT I'm his mum, when there's a perfectly good nursery it seems silly to give him to parents I know wouldn't be able to cope? Grandma can't dress him becuase her hands can't do poppers, when she holds him, her or my husband sits next to her with their hands there to make sure she doesn't drop him... Which has nearly happened a few times. I do agree 70 isn't always old as some people can do lots at 70! My grandma is 95 and holds the baby sturdier, but she doesn't have the health problems they do! And they smoke which I know isn't a deal breaker but although they wait to hold him when we are around, they think it's a silly rule and I am pretty sure they wouldn't stick to it when we weren't about!
Also I didn't say they couldn't baby sit becuase they are deaf! I said becuase they are quite deaf they whisper so loud I can hear! It was an explanation as to how I knew they were asking husband for the baby!
I've said they can have baby on an evening, becuase they said to husband they can only bond with baby if we aren't there... fair enough, have him while we go for dinner somewhere, but it's so different a night a month compared to five full days a week when they seem to find it difficult to help when we have him in the house with them there!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 28/06/2018 04:39

More background my shifts are usually 8-4 or 12-8, so would until 6 when my husband finnishes but we don't know shifts in advance (husband thinks I can request all evenings becuase I'm a mum now but I don't think that'll work), my mum is a child minder and although upset she couldn't have him, understood isn't fair to give him to her and not other grandparents. In an ideal world DH parents would see it would be difficult for them and like my mum to have him but they are very much into equal hours so I haven't even suggested that! It's annoying as although the baby is ours we have to take everyone's feelings into account rather than just do what is best for us and the baby!

OP posts:
MentalUnload · 28/06/2018 04:43

Maybe hire a teenager to be a helper for them?