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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents Babysitting

106 replies

Feb2018mumma · 27/06/2018 20:11

DH and me argue at least once a week...

I have said am happy for either set of parents to baby sit once baby is on food for a evening but not when I'm back at work, I want baby at nursery.

DH today says his parents should have baby when I am back at work in afternoons and if I say yes my parents can have him for 8 hours too... But it isn't about my parents having the baby!

His parents had him when they were quite old, we went for dinner the other day and his mum needed his help to get the lid of her cream and help to get off the floor when she sat on it... I have heard them all whispering about how they want to have baby to my DH when we have gone round (they go out the room but they are both slightly deaf so whisper really loud) but we always end up agreeing when we get home and he brings it up that his parents are too old and my parents won't have baby to be fair, also nursery is good for babies!

I can only assume that his parents asked him today as he's brought it up again, insisting this time... He shouted and said they should have him, I explain that they are older and couldn't cope...

Does anyone else have this problem? He is saying now they would be fine together, both grandma and grandad, just not either one alone and that all grandparents have grandchildren now? Surely this isn't right? I don't know anyone else who has elderly Grandparents caring for their children?

OP posts:

onceisawabee · 28/06/2018 04:53

Could you allow them to babysit for a few hours on your day off as a sort of test run?

Just make sure you are available to pick him up ASAP.

A couple of hours looking after him on there own my put them off and they'll stop asking

MentalUnload · 28/06/2018 05:06

Posted too early...but you’re right to be wary. We have elderly gp too so I feel your pain! The thing that worries me is that they don’t seem to be aware of their limits e.g. picking up the baby and walking around (in danger of falling over).

MoonFacesMum · 28/06/2018 05:28

I think if you went through with them being your childcare they’d actually back out pretty quick. My DPIL have our 2DC for one day a week and they find it plenty. They are in their early 70s but are amazing, they cycle, do yoga, camp, chase after their puppy, they’re just very youthful people. And they find one day a week fine. 5 days a week would be too much for most family members I should think. I think your idea of giving them a bit of regular childcare a week, an evening a week or something, is a good idea. Start ASAP so they can see it’s not easy and they’ll probably stop asking to have your DC full time when you go back to work.

Just as a further point, you mention that “nursery is good for babies.” The best outcome for under twos in nursery is that it is has no impact on them at all. Obviously people need nurseries and lots of babies attend, I’m not saying people shouldn’t put their babies into nurseries. I just hate to see this misinformation that nurseries are beneficial to babies because studies on the matter show they are not.

Nyancat · 28/06/2018 05:38

Your DM sounds very nice to say that she wouldn't take DC to be fair to your in-laws but if she's a childminder and happy to have him and you would be happy for her to have him I'd go with your mum over a nursery for that age and deal with the fallout from in-laws.

Both sets of GPs we have are in their 70s but fit and healthy and they still find the DC tiring, I would offer the option of babysitting or backup for if your own mum can't do a day here or there, sounds like in reality that would be enough for them.

MessyBun247 · 28/06/2018 07:06

It wouldn’t be safe for your in-laws to mind your baby. I think that’s quite obvious.

Honestly if I was you, I would let your mum have him. She’s obviously very capable, and he will benefit from being minded by someone he already has an attachment to, as well as being able to play with other mindees.

It doesn’t matter that it isn’t ‘fair’ that your in-laws can’t mind him but your mother could. It’s not a competition. Just do what is right for your child. Let them babysit but long days every week would just be too much for them.

thegreylady · 28/06/2018 07:36

I started looking after dgc 3 times a week when I was 63 and he was 6 months old. I am now 74 and do 3 after school pick ups where I take them home give them tea etc. From the age of two they went to pre school the two days and I didn’t have them ,with an amazing childminder for the other half days.
A nicer more balanced pair of boys( 9&11now) you couldn’t hope to meet. I will miss it and so, they say, will they.

thegreylady · 28/06/2018 07:40

I meant to add that I honestly don’t think your pil could cope given their aga and state of health. Why no spend a day with them and the baby with them doing everything as if they had him alone. You will be there to step in if need be and I think a daynwould convince them that they can’t manage.

thegreylady · 28/06/2018 07:41

age not aga!

rogueone · 28/06/2018 07:44

My DM is in her 60s and couldn’t manage my 3yr old as she has physical health issues. My mil and fil are relatively fit and active in their early 70s but have said themselves they wouldn’t want to take responsibility for my 3yr old as they are just not quick enough now and would worry if he ran away from them. That aside all my DC have gone to nursery 5 days a week and if that’s what you would prefer and feel more comfortable with then do so. It’s a little odd that your OH is getting so upset about it. You should be agreeing this together not having your OH or GP trying to force you to make a decision you don’t feel happy about.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 07:53

It’s not about pleasing anyone it’s about doing what’s next for your baby. That is it.

Your mum is a registered child minder? I think you are mad not to use her. I was a Cm and had a space for my grandson so free childcare for my son and dil. Win all round.

However if you really can’t use her and I think that’s daft then use nursery.

Children are not to be divided equally among grandparents either you just do what you do.

LittleCandle · 28/06/2018 07:54

I'm in my 50s and working and am relieved to hear that I am not having DGD for an overnight on Saturday. I am working extra hours this week and next and am going into hospital the week after for a (hopefully) small operation, so I could use the down time of not driving an 80 mile round trip to collect her and then not sleep properly because I am listening out for her. She is only 2 and a bit, so is quite hard work, as you can't take your eyes off her.

I would be reluctant to leave my DC with elderly grandparents, but you and your DH need to agree on the best childcare option for you both. My DM often came to babysit during the evening, but I would never have left the DC with DMIL, who was as mad as a box of frogs on a good day, but also physically unable to lift a baby. Fortunately, she didn't want to look after them. She found them very stressful.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 07:54

And don’t allow your oh to shout at you either

Teggun · 28/06/2018 08:19

I think there is a big difference between babysitting and childcare.
In your situation I'd be happy for grandparents to babysit and be there for emergency cover but would opt for paid childcare for work cover.
But I confess that for me, this would be the case regardless of how fit or otherwise the grandparents are. Grandparents can have a wonderful relationship with their grandchildren and be an immense help without providing routine childcare.

piglet81 · 28/06/2018 08:37

These threads always make me quite glad that we didn't have to consider grandparents doing childcare, because the politics of it sound so stressful! Personally I wouldn't have wanted either set to do regular childcare - I'd feel awkward asking for help or dictating arrangements, esp if I wasn't paying (or wasn't paying much). My parents are mid-60s and working; my in-laws are late 60s and retired, but 200 miles away and already committed to childcare for their other (local) grandchildren. So nursery it had to be...and luckily it's worked out very well for us. We do get the occasional night's babysitting, for which I'm very grateful.

However, the fact that OP's mum is a registered childminder puts a different spin on things. Although I've always used a nursery I think a small setting can be better for younger ones especially, so I would definitely give that some thought.

Bluelady · 28/06/2018 08:55

These threads make me very glad our kids know I'd sooner eat my own liver than do childcare and will never have this kind of dilemma.

laurG · 28/06/2018 08:57

I have a similar issue. My mil has bad hearing loss And won’t adapt to it. She regularly doesn’t wear her aids and has retired her adapted mobile to the cupboard. Her only way of communication really is email through her I pad. Not best I’d anything happens. She is 77.

I posted on here and got flamed by some for being anti disability. I’m not. I’m just not happy about leaving my baby in s potentially unsafe environment. My mil is lovely but she is old and hearing aside I don’t think can realistically handle the baby - especially is she is u willing to wear her hearing aids or use her phone. It’s soooo awkward. My parents are younger and fitter but also live round the corner from my mil that makes it super awkward as how can I let my parents look after baby and not my mil!

The first step is explaining why you feel the way you do to dh. He needs to be inside and understand the reasons you feel uncomfortable. He should be able to understand it’s pretty obvious. I suppose it’s really up to him to deal with his parents.

I would consider short periods of babysitting with mil on the condition she at the very least wears her hearing aids and her adapted phone. At least then I know she can call 999 in An emergency.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 08:59

Bluelady

I thought mine did too and I do 2 days with toddlers.

Couldn’t do any more.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 09:03

laurG

Honestly it’s not awkward at all. Your mil is elderly and deaf and your parents are not. Those are the facts. If your mil is lovely spend time with her with your baby but don’t leave her alone. You need eyes and ears around a baby.

Honestly you know you need to put your most precious treasure safe above all else.

Maelstrop · 28/06/2018 09:04

What is this bollocks re we can't bond unless we're alone with him? Such crap. I'd say they are not fit enough to look after him. If your mil can't even do lids/poppers, how will she cope all afternoon with him?

And absolutely do not tolerate being shouted at by your DH when he's agreed one minute then disagreed the next just because his dm spoke to him! He sounds like he's a people pleaser where they're concerned.

Racecardriver · 28/06/2018 09:07

Nurseries are good for babies? News to me. At any rate I don't that the nursery will do any harm whereas leaving your baby in some charge of geriatrics could.

DuchyDuke · 28/06/2018 09:07

Your DH’s reaction suggests that he has no idea about how to take care of the baby. Have you ever left baby with him for the whole day? He’ll soon realise his parents aren’t cut out for it.

Cath2907 · 28/06/2018 09:08

My parents are in their 70s and they do look after my sisters kids but they are fit and well. The walk miles for their hobby and are a very long way from frail or infirm. However even they say that looking after kids at this age is exhausting. My ILs are younger but less able to look after small children. I'd perhaps let them try for an afternoon with baby and see how they go but you'll need full time nursery once they realise how exhausting it is!

coastalchick · 28/06/2018 09:09

My MIL is having baby when I’m back at work but she’s only 67 and still does Pilates. If she was struggling then I’d probsbly insist on nursery

DuchyDuke · 28/06/2018 09:09

Good Nurseries are better for babies than disinterested sahp. All of the school aged kids I know who have been to good nurseries seem to be miles ahead of those with uninvolved sahp.

IStillDrinkCava · 28/06/2018 09:26

It's annoying as although the baby is ours we have to take everyone's feelings into account rather than just do what is best for us and the baby!

This isn't actually the case, though I know it feels that way. You are adults, you don't have to do what keeps your parents happy all the time, especially if it's to the detriment of you, your mum and the baby. You could even argue you're choosing to people-please over getting the best regime for the baby. That's putting it harshly, and I might well make the same choice, but understand that this is a choice you are making, you don't have to turn down your mum.

A blood relative who's also keen and a trained CM is pretty much the holy grail of childcare. Putting the baby with carers you're not confident with for hours every week is not a sensible concession to achieve this. So find a different option, even if it's not so immediately palatable to your ILs. I do think you could be open to them proving they can do it though, to be fair. Parents look after children through all manner of bugs, exhaustion, even early labour. Not being able to open a jar doesn't prove anything.

Or look at it another way - your mum is perfectly qualified for the role and knows it. By sparing your ILs' feelings and not letting your mum have him, won't you just massively hurt her feeelings instead? I come back to this being your choice to make. It doesn't have to be both or neither: find a third way.

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