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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents Babysitting

106 replies

Feb2018mumma · 27/06/2018 20:11

DH and me argue at least once a week...

I have said am happy for either set of parents to baby sit once baby is on food for a evening but not when I'm back at work, I want baby at nursery.

DH today says his parents should have baby when I am back at work in afternoons and if I say yes my parents can have him for 8 hours too... But it isn't about my parents having the baby!

His parents had him when they were quite old, we went for dinner the other day and his mum needed his help to get the lid of her cream and help to get off the floor when she sat on it... I have heard them all whispering about how they want to have baby to my DH when we have gone round (they go out the room but they are both slightly deaf so whisper really loud) but we always end up agreeing when we get home and he brings it up that his parents are too old and my parents won't have baby to be fair, also nursery is good for babies!

I can only assume that his parents asked him today as he's brought it up again, insisting this time... He shouted and said they should have him, I explain that they are older and couldn't cope...

Does anyone else have this problem? He is saying now they would be fine together, both grandma and grandad, just not either one alone and that all grandparents have grandchildren now? Surely this isn't right? I don't know anyone else who has elderly Grandparents caring for their children?

OP posts:
Thistles24 · 28/06/2018 09:35

I had similar situation when I went back to work after having DS1- both parents wanted to look after him, mine are 10 years younger in age, but decades younger in ability. I had agreed that mine would have him 2 days and in laws 1 day, but as the time grew closer, MIL got more and more nervous about it. I ended up putting DS there for the morning, then my father would pick him up before lunch. We felt it was a fair compromise, and both were happy that they were involved. I'm glad we did it, it meant a lot to them, but it was fairly easy for us as we both work half a mile away from their house, and my parents live 1 mile away so it was easy enough to do different pick ups/drop offs.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 09:39

I still can’t get my head around you paying nursery fees when your mum is a registered Cm. Baffling Confused

Ceecee18 · 28/06/2018 09:41

Smoking would definitely be a deal breaker for me! My DD is almost 1 and hasn't yet been to my DPs parents house as his dad smokes inside. So if there's a chance they may smoke around DS then you say no on that basis, tell your husband you will not be leaving your DS with people that may smoke around him. Ask him what's more important to him, your sons health or pleasing his parents. You don't have to take anyone's feelings into account, you do what is best for your baby, you didn't have a baby for them.

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2018 09:45

Your DS isn't something to be 'shared'.

Your mum is fully qualified to look after him, she's not 'just' a grandparent.

There are too many reasons to ignore why your DP's parents 'shouldn't' look after him.

Do what's best for your son.

You can involve the other GPs when you're around.

NukaColaGirl · 28/06/2018 09:50

My Grandparents are in their early 70s. My uncle had DC much older than my Dad did - my DC are the same age as his two. My Grandparents are able to look my Uncles 10 year old after school twice a week but they can’t run around after the 2 year old. They would dearly love to as to they did it for the elder child however their physical ability has declined rapidly (knee and hip replacements) but recognise they can’t and don’t want to potentially put the toddler in danger.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 09:51

I missed they smoked!

Totally no no.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 09:52

“Good Nurseries are better for babies than disinterested sahp. All of the school aged kids I know who have been to good nurseries seem to be miles ahead of those with uninvolved sahp.”

And the prize for most a bat shit post of the day so far goes to.....

OP- it is obvious from your subsequent posts that your pils aren’t fit enough to look after your baby alone for any length of time. And smoking is a massive deal breaker.

Of course your mum should look after him. Being cared for by someone who loves him is the best option if at all possible when they are very young. Just tell your pils that you think it would be too tiring for them and your mum is geared up to care for children with all the insurance and equipment and everything. Reassure that they will still seeplenty of him. And tell your do his is not to shout at you under any circumstances.

Cheby · 28/06/2018 09:56

Your mum is a registered CM?! Pay your mum to look after the baby!

There re so many reasons why you shouldn’t let PIL have him, I can’t even be bothered to list them.

But the biggest red flag to me is their insistence at wanting alone time to bond. That’s weird and not necessary.

Cheby · 28/06/2018 09:57

Oh and the smoking. I forgot about that. Smokers aren’t touching my baby, let alone doing daily childcare. I used to be a smoker, I know how disgustingly grim it is.

user1472377586 · 28/06/2018 10:00

Febmumma, I really don't like your in-laws' attitude.
(And it irritates me because I faced similar for a year or so after we had our first child). Two things:
(1) they are whinging / nagging to your dh about what they want for the baby in your absence / behind your back. You are the baby's mother.

(2) they have indicated that they 'can only bond with baby if we aren't there'.

Those two things (if not stopped) will damage the relationship between in-laws and you-plu-dh.

You need to make sure that when they visit you (or you visit them), it is not be a weird distorted opportunity for in-laws to revisit being parents (with your child). Your in-laws should quite honestly be more interested in you and dh than in your child. It is exceptionally rude to you and dh if your in-laws see you visiting as really a visit to them by Baby along with 2 irritating/ in the way people who are baby's parents.

You need dh on side.

You baby is not a 'thing' just put my foot down and 'no'. And I would do it on the basis of this:
"they said to husband they can only bond with baby if we aren't there... fair enough".

In my opinion, that's really weird.

LemonBreeland · 28/06/2018 10:01

Your IL's sound incredibly pushy. Not being able to bond with the baby while you are there is bullshit. It smacks of wanting their own way. They are not being honest with themselves either, it is clear they wouldn't cope. And the smoking would be a definite no from me.

You really should use your Mum as childcare, it shouldn't be about equal time, a baby isn't a parcel to be shared.

GU24Mum · 28/06/2018 10:05

Another vote for letting your mother look after him - it would only be unfair on your in-laws if both sets were childminders, living equidistant from you but you only let one look after your DC. It sounds as though your in-laws are much better suited to occasional babysitting only...

Coastalchick - I read your post too quickly and thought you'd said your 67 yr old MIL was having a baby (ie pregnant), rather than looking after your baby!!!!

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 10:06

What Bertrand says. Go with your mum.

You got the last word on that thread Bertrand Grin

BasicUsername · 28/06/2018 10:07

Grandparents that want to help out are awesome, but they need to realise that fair isn't the same as equal.

What's fair is doing the best for your baby, not splitting time equally for the sake of being equal.

If it's best for baby, then send him to nursery. They are used to dealing with babies and caring for their needs, they are trained in first aid and are up to date on the current safety standards.

The last thing you need is grandparents who might think it's ok to do old fashioned things whilst caring for your baby.

If you decided they weren't doing things the way you wanted them to be done and had to remove him from their care and put him in to nursery, it would make sitting around the dinner table at Christmas pretty awkward.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 10:08

A this crap about bonding can only be done if you arnt there either is frankly stupid and quite creepy.

BasicUsername · 28/06/2018 10:08

Also, what is it that they want to do with your baby that they can't do when you are there? It's pretty strange to say they need to be alone with baby in order to bond.

Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 28/06/2018 10:09

Re my mum: MIL, if my mum visits me for day I have to spend day with her, she is definitely into competitive grandparenting, and when I go round each week she will ask hours my mum has seen baby that week, therefore although my mum is best option it would not be worth the drama. My husband doesn't see anything except his mum's view point. RE: husband shouting at me, I have been thinking a while what to do, his people pleasing is only his parents and siblings, he doesn't help with anything but if I'm tired and haven't slept for days I still have to go out with his family or host them as I've seen my mum (mum will sit on sofa and care for me and baby, his family make a mess and hold baby till he cries). So even though my mum is best option to anyone with any sense he only sees that his parents need the exact hours/ more than she has so it wouldn't work. Would either be his parents or nursery. And to another question, no as of yet husband has never been alone with baby, I even have to take him in when I have a bath!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feb2018mumma · 28/06/2018 10:13

Missed loads of messages from typing with a baby! Took like 20 minutes! I find it weird the bond thing too but husband said it makes sense! Glad I'm not alone! My mum said she would rather have me and baby and she found it weird but as she's my mum she's bias!

OP posts:
IStillDrinkCava · 28/06/2018 10:15

Whaaaat?! It is starting to sound more and more like a DH problem.

I take back what I said about giving them more chance to prove themselves, I'd missed some key details.

Y'know sometimes you might have to deal with the aggro, with DH as well as the ILs. Not dealing with it is how women end up doing all the housework, child rearing, wifework, caring, kowtowing.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 10:15

You have a dh problem op that needs sorting. No shouting or dictating or bullying. It needs sorting now or it will escalate.

Personally I wouldn’t even entertain my mother not childminding as that’s what she does and second I wouldn’t entertain this competitive grandparent nonsense. Why would you.

Put your foot down now. Drama needs more than one side so don’t engage. Just don’t. Tell your dh his parents won’t be having sole charge as they can’t cope and unless he steps up and starts helping more with the baby he can piss off back to mummy and daddy.

Quite frankly he sounds like another child.

Hermie12 · 28/06/2018 10:16

This really depends on the grandparents. But ultimately your call. My DD has been spending 1 day a week with my parents (79 and 81) since she was 6 months and she is now nearly 4. We have never had any issues and she loves being with them. I want her to have this great bond as with older grandparents you don't know how many years this will be for. My parents work as a team, I think when we were still at nappy stage it took both of them to change her! but they managed. Yes they are older but they give the type of one to one attention and a whole heap of love and lots of laughs (my dad is a kid at heart) she doesn't get anywhere else. The rest of the week dd loves nursery and time with dp when he is off but she cannot wait for Monday mornings as she knows it's her day with nanny and grandad.

gryffen · 28/06/2018 10:21

Three issues flagged.

They smoke
Mobility issues
Hearing issues.

Lighting a cig while pushing baby across and road and not hearing sirens.......

Try leaving him for an afternoon and say time for walk is then and this is the route. Wait at halfway mark and any issues you can deal with there and then.

Your mum is a registered CM - that's cool, my mum was a teacher for 40yrs and ready to help pre school language etc but couldn't so until she retired due to conflict of interest etc.

Good luck!

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 10:23

Your main problem is your dh though love not child care issues.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 28/06/2018 10:51

No no no.

Late 70s with some health and mobility issues? No way I'd let them look after my baby.

My dad was 65 when dc1 born. He volunteered one day a week and we were so bloody grateful. Dad stepped up & coped brilliantly but we all agree when dc2 was due & dad was now 70 it would be too much for him.

You need to have a very serious conversation with your husband about this. He needs to put his child first and do what is right for his child. It's not about appeasing parents. He needs to see that creating problems with you will create more stress in his life, not less.

Ceecee18 · 28/06/2018 10:57

Ask your husband why the hell he thinks his parents need to be alone to bond with the baby but he doesn't?

He's definitely the problem. Do you usually just agree with him OP, especially before you had the baby? Is he just used to you going along with what he says?

As for your MIL just don't tell her when you've seen your mom or how much time you spend with her. Leave DS with your mom when you work and tell your MIL that he is with 'a registered childcare provider', she doesn't have to know that's your mom.