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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents Babysitting

106 replies

Feb2018mumma · 27/06/2018 20:11

DH and me argue at least once a week...

I have said am happy for either set of parents to baby sit once baby is on food for a evening but not when I'm back at work, I want baby at nursery.

DH today says his parents should have baby when I am back at work in afternoons and if I say yes my parents can have him for 8 hours too... But it isn't about my parents having the baby!

His parents had him when they were quite old, we went for dinner the other day and his mum needed his help to get the lid of her cream and help to get off the floor when she sat on it... I have heard them all whispering about how they want to have baby to my DH when we have gone round (they go out the room but they are both slightly deaf so whisper really loud) but we always end up agreeing when we get home and he brings it up that his parents are too old and my parents won't have baby to be fair, also nursery is good for babies!

I can only assume that his parents asked him today as he's brought it up again, insisting this time... He shouted and said they should have him, I explain that they are older and couldn't cope...

Does anyone else have this problem? He is saying now they would be fine together, both grandma and grandad, just not either one alone and that all grandparents have grandchildren now? Surely this isn't right? I don't know anyone else who has elderly Grandparents caring for their children?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 11:00

You don't need to talk about mobility or deafness or anything which is a matter of opinion. The smoking is a simple deal breaker.

SeaCabbage · 28/06/2018 11:05

If your DH has never looked after your baby then how would he know if his parents would cope? And late seventies? No way.

And why the hell hasn't your dh looked after his own baby????? That is f*ing awful and should be remedied asap.

Is your dh nice ever? Because he sounds both stupid and horrible.

TopWorrier · 28/06/2018 11:05

YANBU - they sound too old/in bad health to cope. Like you said, they can't walk around or keep up with a baby. Its nothing personal to them, it just wont work. i agree with the others, say you've chosen nursery due to you want baby to spend time with other babies :) xx

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 11:13

There is no way the OP should put her baby In a nursery if she doesn't want to. She has a much better option available to her. Her pils smoke. Therefore they cannot, under any circumstance look after the baby on a regular basis.

SittingAround1 · 28/06/2018 11:17

Your PIL sound crazy counting hours. That needs to stop or else it's going drive you round the bend.
I agree you have a DH problem. You need to leave the baby in his care for a hours hours at least so he can see what's involved.

I'd do a mix of nursery and your DM.
Smoking would be a massive no from me.

Also grandparents are supposed to offer what they can not bully parents into getting their own way to the detriment of the baby.

penguinlady3857482 · 28/06/2018 11:17

I have this issue with both sets of GPVboth would love to look after DD. However my DP are both in their 70s and have back problems meaning they can't even pick DD up. It is easy to see it would be too much for them when I go round they just can't keep up with her.
DH parents whilst not necessarily old his mum has lots of health issues. I would be worried about how reliable they could even be.Also they don't seem as safety conscious as I would like.
I always remember someone saying to me you must feel comfortable when you go back to work about who you leave her with. If you don't one you won't be able to relax at work and two if something did happen you would not forgive yourself.
Your situation is made harder by the competitive nature of your MIL. I would definitely agree with you that nursery is the best option. It's also good for your DC social interactions.

Original poster

Feb2018mumma · 28/06/2018 11:21

@ThinkOfAWittyNameLater such good way to put it, will talk to him tonight! Baby is more important than his parents feelings! I was saying how I felt worries becuase of all above issues but didn't think to put it that way! Hard to argue with what is best for baby compared to what I think! And agree with everyone have a DH problem, I'm honestly not happy with him or his parents, as soon as baby was born asking for me to leave baby all the time with them so they could bond even though he eats every hour and I don't want to, letting his mum visit every day the first few weeks, telling me I don't get to decide who watches me feed him, she's his grandma ect, there's no photos of me and baby in hospital, only his parents and baby, he made a video of him, parents and siblings for babies first few days and I'm in one photo with him in a whole 3 minute video! I honestly am really depressed whenever I think about having to go to work and feeling helpless!

OP posts:

grouchymamabear · 28/06/2018 11:29

I can completely relate to this - my baby has three sets of grandparents due to remarriage. Of these sets, the one that pushes for babysitting the most is the one I would feel least comfortable leaving baby with due to their own health problems including VERY limited mobility.

If leaving your baby with them alone is going to cause you to be anxious the entire time then you definitely shouldn't do it. You need to feel comfortable with your child's care at all times.

Teggun · 28/06/2018 11:29

OP I would phrase all my answers as positives as to why you have chosen to use a nursery e.g. there will always be consistent care for your child (no cancellations for illness or holidys etc.); you can move seemlessly into using govt funding when child is old enough, building relationships with staff and other families etc. Also you could say that you want the relationship with Grandparents to be special rather than routine. Explain that you would not feel able to ask for 'babysitting' time from Grandparents if they did routine childcare which would make it difficult for you and DH to go out or spend couple time ..

I'm not saying this is a list of reasons why all parents should use nurseries before anyone leaps on me. It is my suggestion of how to avoid having to use the negatives of why you don't want to use grandparents.

WhatEverItIsIDidntDoIt · 28/06/2018 11:32

I had the same issue with my MIL she is in her late 70’s and insisted she could look after our son when I returned to work. She is a very active woman so I agreed but expressed my concerns about it to my partner but he insisted. It was exactly 6 weeks after my return to work when I called to collect her the Sunday evening, she refuses to come as it is too much she can’t handle the baby and hasn’t spoken to me since!

Apparently I was expecting to much from her 🤨

Let them have the baby, they will soon realise if they are not up to it and you get your own way without the arguments with DH.

Teggun · 28/06/2018 11:33

However when talking to DH you should discuss what is best for your child and spell out the reasons why his DPs are not suitable.

Teggun · 28/06/2018 11:36

Let them have the baby, they will soon realise if they are not up to it and you get your own way without the arguments with DH

No way!

You make decisions as parents based on what is in the best interests of your child. Not to avoid arguments with your DH or to avoid pissing of granparents

LemonBreeland · 28/06/2018 11:39

I think you need to kick up as much of a fuss as your PILs. DH is wanting to please them but doesn't care about pleasing you.

As for MIL wanting to know how many hours you have seen you DM, that is bonkers, although I have seen it on here before. I would not engage when asked how much time you had spent wit your Mum, or reiterate it's not a competition every time. She should want to spend the amount of time she wants with your DC, not just the same as your DM.

Categoric · 28/06/2018 11:46

I would be having very careful words with your DH. He should be parenting his own child and supporting you.

Personally, I would go and stay with my DM if that is possible until he learns to behave appropriately. His parents are obviously rude, pushy and unreasonable. That may be his normal family dynamic but it shouldn’t become yours.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 11:47

"Let them have the baby, they will soon realise if they are not up to it and you get your own way without the arguments with DH."
NO. BECAUSE THEY SMOKE.

LuMarie · 28/06/2018 11:47

We have mixture nursery and grandparents, sleep over by child request every week, didn't think it fair to land too much on grandparents even though young, fit and able.

They all love it and are best buds, but it is a massive amount of running around, climbing, more running around, walking, park, carrying kids, more running, kids are relentlessly fun. Also then dealing with drama and all the practical stuff. Mine are fab but they are young at heart and good health/fitness, have always been hands on with kids since they were children themselves so are pros at all the details including actually raising them, not just babysitting. There is a lot to that and I trust them more than I trust us to be honest!

LOs always absolutely thrilled with adventures and are really having a wonderful time with them.

It is a lot though, an exhausting a lot, I don't think it's for anyone who can't manage the relentless energy or take on a secondary parenting role in a modern way so that there is consistency in raising the bundle of energy craziness. We all have same routine, rules, system for example, so kids don't run any more wild into crazy land than they already do! Everyone needs to be on the same page and be able to keep up with being on the same page!

Maybe visit more or on a regular schedule if they'd like time with the baby, as this is a good thing, but maybe full on childcare is a bit much for you.

Ohmydayslove · 28/06/2018 11:51

let them have the baby they will soon realise they are not up to it

One of the most irresponsible posts I have read on a parenting website. They smoke ffs!

Op what on Earth do you get from your dh let alone his family?

Ceecee18 · 28/06/2018 12:58

Don't let them have the baby and hope they realise the can't look after him, they won't! They will just carry on regardless to get what they want.

You really need to kick up a fuss like they are. At the moment your husband is siding with them because it's easier. Tell him your baby comes first and will be going to either your mom or nursery as his parents are not safe enough to look after baby (for the fact that they smoke alone!). You need to make your husband realise that you and the baby need to come before his parents from now on.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2018 13:01

Don't kick up a fuss. Just say "I'm sorry, but it's not possible for Z and Y to care for the baby because they smoke" And then make the arrangements you think best. Which is obviously your mother. No drama, or fuss. Just do it.

rogueone · 28/06/2018 13:19

Feb2018mumma your last post was truly awful to read. You have a DH who has allowed his DM to turn up everyday after you had a baby, taking films and photos of them with your baby and not you. Counting the hours your family see your DC and expecting the same. I would have lost the plot now and would have taken my baby and gone and stayed with my mum until your nightmare DH mans up and supports you as his wife. He is trying to bully you into having his smoking elderly parents to look after your baby. He seems to have managed to get his way this far by allowing them to do what they want. Time to have a fierce conversation with him and set some boundaries.

Labmum · 28/06/2018 14:16

Them smoking would be an instant no for me. Personally your Mum sounds the ideal person, a trained CM as a grandparent would be like a lottery win for most parents.

I don't get the point scoring and the fact that your husband is indulging it. He shouldn't be dictating anything, there should be discussions but it sounds like he is from a very controlling family.

As a way around it could you insist on if they are being daytime carers instead of a nursery that they need to do a child first aid course (which they of course wouldn't do) and also that you want some trial sessions where they are left alone with your child for an hour or two at first? But as this process takes time and nurseries book up quickly its probably best to just book him a place "just in case". Then as it gets closer to the time and they haven't done the above (plus of course you'd lose your deposit) you may as well just start him at nursery........then oh dear he seems really settled at nursery and you don't want to disrupt him from his routine.

If nursery is the compromise then so be it but your husband is financially cutting off his nose to spite his face by not letting your Mum have him and saving you a load of money.

Also I'd just not answer any questions or outright lie about how much time your Mum spends with baby because they are fruitloops and you shouldn't encourage their idiocy in any way!

Teggun · 28/06/2018 14:26

Your H and PILs are totally unreasonable and their behaviour sounds weird and bullying.
Sorting out your relationship with your H has to be a priority. I really feel for you. This is not simply about childcare.

Coyoacan · 28/06/2018 14:52

You really do have a DH problem, OP. At what point does he become a father? He seems to think that getting you pregnant was genius and all for the purpose of giving his parents a grandchild.

As for the competitive grandparenting, that reminds me of small children screaming "but it's not FAIR!!!"

It makes absolute sense for your baby to go to a childminder who is also their grandmother and it's in his best interests and you are going to allow this poor excuse for a father and his selfish parents take that opportunity away from your child??

Coyoacan · 28/06/2018 14:52

You really do have a DH problem, OP. At what point does he become a father? He seems to think that getting you pregnant was genius and all for the purpose of giving his parents a grandchild.

As for the competitive grandparenting, that reminds me of small children screaming "but it's not FAIR!!!"

WhiteWalkerWife · 28/06/2018 20:41

Your dh is putting your pil dictations wishes over your son's safety. Honestly, i would definitely look at this as a dh problem like you have said. His parents sound controlling and with him, well it seems like the apple does not fall far from the tree...

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