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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contribute to this appeal and potentially embarrass my children?

306 replies

SnappedCrackledAndPopped · 27/06/2018 19:48

School is holding a cake sale and non uniform day for a 'charity appeal' for a terminally ill little girl. The appeal has been featured in local newspaper and radio and they want to raise half a million pounds to go towards seeking alternative therapies abroad and also a memory making Disney family holiday. I'm rather embarrassed to say that I have a few issues with this, due to the following:

The child is terminally ill. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to save their life or halt progression of this cruel and tragic disease. At best, these quack unproven treatments could only extend their life by a couple of months, at worse it would mean dragging a very sick child half way around the world on several exhausting journeys, which I'm not too sure would be in their best interests.

It is not correct to say this is a charity appeal. It is a crowd funder.

The kids think I'm being unreasonable. I'm ok with donating to one of the charities and foundations that fund research into this disease and I will happily do so. It's just that the crowd funder doesn't sit comfortably with me.

On the other hand I can wholly sympathise with her desperate family and have no idea whether or not I'd do the same in this situation.

Should I just keep my thoughts to myself and ride the wave of love shown to them by our local community, or go with my gut instinct that all this is probably not a very good idea?

Prepared to be told I'm a heartless evil witch.

OP posts:
MyLearnedFriend · 27/06/2018 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SnappedCrackledAndPopped · 27/06/2018 20:38

Boffin90? Did you really just suggest I'm jealous of the attention this family is receiving? That's really quite warped. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
BananaToffo · 27/06/2018 20:39

You are an awful person

Because she doesn't want to get behind an endeavour she fundamentally disagrees with?

No. People engaging in emotional manipulation of the type you are is an "awful person".

Boffin90 · 27/06/2018 20:39

Thank you SoddingUnicorns x

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 20:40

Being so judgey about these people and starting a thread on a huge parenting site about your disapproval of them is quite warped as well. Hope no one they know sees this. How upsetting.

zivashighkick · 27/06/2018 20:41

When my son was dying we were pushed to set up crowd funding and it was easier to go along with it. A lot of people suggested it would be useful for treatments (there were none)and we didn't bother to disillusion them. I have seen that many families in similar positions go through stages of searching for treatments before they can accept the reality of the diagnosis. It's unlikely they will drag their child around to spend their last days being experiemented on but they may be desperately holding on to some hope or indulging other people who want to be useful and hopeful.

In the end the fundraising paid for my child's funeral and has allowed me and dh to take some time off work while we are grieving. It also allowed us to spoil our dying child with anything that took his fancy. It was nowhere near £500,000.

From my experience I would say yabu and unkind but I would also feel humilated if I thought anyone had given us money out of obligation rather than compassion.

OnionShite · 27/06/2018 20:42

Quite, banana.

But some of the last few posts are a good example of what might happen if you make your views known. With no real chance of preventing the family from potentially exhausting their child further with futile treatment. And this is from people who don't even know what the condition you're talking about is.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 27/06/2018 20:44

Let's see, there's so little funding - if any - going through childhood cancer research for example, so few facilities adapted to little ones - picture a tiny person into an adult machine, the system makes it even more heartbreaking for a family going through the terminal illness of a child.

YABU to make judgements on a way a family is trying to do what they think is best for their child when they must have been faced with an NHS system who can't cope and barely support them

Part of the funding goes to a family holiday and you'd rather not be involved?
It's a free country, you do what you want with your cash, but it's a very shitty thing to have "reservations" about this. Making the last months of a child as happy and memorable as possible...

I hope they find the treatment that will at least give some quality of life for their little one, it's a shame that we cant' relay on our NHS because there's no funding, no space, and parents are completely alone, but there you go.

BrexitWife · 27/06/2018 20:44

The thing you have no idea

  • what sort of treatment they are looking at
  • whether that treatment will be detrimental to the child
  • or even if said treatment is better or no different than the one the NHS wouod be proposing.

In effect, you are making a judgement call on whether the treatments are ok or not based in nothing at all. Because you have no idea of what they want to do.
And I think that is wrong altogether.

Besides, you can decide what wouod be right for YOU to do, for your child. You can’t decide and out and judgement value on anyone else decision.

Battleax · 27/06/2018 20:44

This is all so reminiscent of Charlie Gard and co.

Completely different reactions according to background etc,

mogonfoxnight · 27/06/2018 20:46

The treatments may lessen pain and discomfort even if they do not reverse the illness. The holiday away will mean that the child's last times here will have moments of joy (assuming the family think that disney will provide some joy) for both child and family. I really think you can give money to your children to contribute if you can afford it and then turn your mind right away to something else.

zzzzz · 27/06/2018 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boffin90 · 27/06/2018 20:47

You cannot judge until you have walked in our shoes and they are the most uncomfortable shoes you would ever wear.

Don’t give them money. I can wholeheartedly say that they wouldn’t want it from you if they knew your views and judgemental view but do them the biggest favour and keep your views to yourself.

OnionShite · 27/06/2018 20:48

You don't know that OP has no idea what treatments they're looking at brexitwife. It's quite possible they've been very open about it and OP has had the opportunity of researching the matter.

Guavaf1sh · 27/06/2018 20:48

I entirely agree with you OP. These unproven treatments can be very harmful and we should not be pushing them - donating to a research foundation would be much better.

AveEldon · 27/06/2018 20:49

YANBU
Non uniform days for charity = compulsory giving imho

PlatypusPie · 27/06/2018 20:49

I agree with you, OP

HouseOfGingerbread · 27/06/2018 20:49

I understand where you're coming from, but I think I'd suck it up and make a small donation. It does mean a lot to the family.

It's hard though, my daughter's school did intensive fundraising for a sick child and some kids clearly found it stressful - they really felt responsible for saving the child. Lots of money was raised and I know the family felt very loved. Sadly, the child died.

Strongmummy · 27/06/2018 20:49

Completely agree with you, but I’d just do it.

Battleax · 27/06/2018 20:49

Boffin I’m really very sorry for your awful loss.

Accusing OP of being jealous of the affected family is easily one of the more outrageous comments on the thread, however. She’s explained her reservations and they’re perfectly cogent whether you share them or not.

Original poster
SnappedCrackledAndPopped · 27/06/2018 20:50

I'll leave it here. I'm quite possibly an awful person, as MyLearnedFriend suggests. I will, of course, donate towards a holiday for this family - have absolutely no problem with that.

My reservations are entirely to do with subjecting a child to futile and dubious treatments. I'm not a scientist but am from a medical/scientific background and perhaps my attitude had been shaped by growing up hearing my own family's blunt and matter of fact conversations.

I'm very sorry if I've offended anyone, especially those who have lost children. Flowers

Very prepared to accept IABU.

OP posts:
BrexitWife · 27/06/2018 20:50

With no real chance of preventing the family from potentially exhausting their child further with futile treatment. And this is from people who don't even know what the condition you're talking about is

Seeing that I sure the OP has any idea of the condition nor that she has any idea of said treatment is futile or not, I’m not sure how she is in a better place to make a judgement that supporting the family to find the money is detrimental to the child tbh.

You can say you are not happy to give money for a crowdfunding. Just like you can be unhappy to not give money to a charity.
I personally have never liked giving money to charities through school. They were often not the ones I wouod have chosen to give money to.
It also felt it was putting me in the position that I HAD to give money.

But you dint need to be so judgemental in the way you approach things. Esp when you haven’t been at the place of having a child who is dying yourself. (Having had a friend in a similar place is NOT the same)

soulrider · 27/06/2018 20:52

I can understand not wanting to donate to a cause where you worry the money is actually funding clinics taking money from desperate parents.

Butterymuffin · 27/06/2018 20:53

BananaToffo said it perfectly. The way to make a stand over this is not with regard to an individual family's fundraising. Try and reframe it in your head as being about enabling your kids to join in a school community-building activity.

OnionShite · 27/06/2018 20:53

Seeing that I sure the OP has any idea of the condition nor that she has any idea of said treatment is futile or not, I’m not sure how she is in a better place to make a judgement that supporting the family to find the money is detrimental to the child tbh

Think you mean not sure there? If so, why are you not sure, especially given what OP has posted? You appear to be assuming she doesn't know.