to not contribute to this appeal and potentially embarrass my children?

[SnappedCrackledAndPopped]

School is holding a cake sale and non uniform day for a 'charity appeal' for a terminally ill little girl. The appeal has been featured in local newspaper and radio and they want to raise half a million pounds to go towards seeking alternative therapies abroad and also a memory making Disney family holiday. I'm rather embarrassed to say that I have a few issues with this, due to the following:

The child is terminally ill. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to save their life or halt progression of this cruel and tragic disease. At best, these quack unproven treatments could only extend their life by a couple of months, at worse it would mean dragging a very sick child half way around the world on several exhausting journeys, which I'm not too sure would be in their best interests.

It is not correct to say this is a charity appeal. It is a crowd funder.

The kids think I'm being unreasonable. I'm ok with donating to one of the charities and foundations that fund research into this disease and I will happily do so. It's just that the crowd funder doesn't sit comfortably with me.

On the other hand I can wholly sympathise with her desperate family and have no idea whether or not I'd do the same in this situation.

Should I just keep my thoughts to myself and ride the wave of love shown to them by our local community, or go with my gut instinct that all this is probably not a very good idea?

Prepared to be told I'm a heartless evil witch.

This is just the usual post-modern “what do they know” “tired of experts” nonsense that is dumbing our society down. Except now bolted to the terribly emotive topic of a dying child.

Carting a dying child off to allow a quack to make money off pumping them full of snake oil is basically abuse.

Should I just keep my thoughts to myself and ride the wave of love shown to them by our local community, or go with my gut instinct that all this is probably not a very good idea?

I'd go with the idea that none of this is about you. Why the fuck You need to make it about you, I do not know.

I'd try to find some kindness and compassion and show your kids how love works on this planet of ours.

So Paddy what do you know???
On which basis can you tell that one treatment is crap and the other isn’t?

Because we KNOW that a doctor saying it’s ok (or it being in the NHS) isn’t enough for said treatment not to be crap.
So how do you decide?

Being an adult also means learning when to keep your mouth shut. This is one of those occasions. Even if you are 100% right, no good will come from saying anything.

Honestly horrified at the heartlessness in some of these replies.
Having raised money for my goddaughter to receive experimental treatment abroad for a rare cancer I can tell you the following reasons that every penny mattered;

When those parents lose their darling child their lives are forever changed- but they can look each other in the eye knowing they tried everything.
Strangers donations are an expression of shared hope in the parents’ darkest hours.
A trip to Disney would give them a focus, we did this and I have memories that I would trade all my other memories for.
The treatment my goddaughter received gave her an extra 18 months with us to make those memories and the treatment was so experimental it paved the way for a research paper which saved another child’s life.
If they are crowdfunding rather than raising money via a charity it will allow them the autonomy to put the money in best use for the family without being restricted by charities commission guidelines- it will allow her parents to not worry about money whilst she undergoes treatment or whilst they grieve- how would you pay your bills whilst you are sat for months in a hospital room with your ill child? How soon would you like to return to work after losing her? Will you wonder if you can have the nice flowers or what you can afford given you still have other children to support and you’ve got debts from not working for months.

But you go ahead and think of how grabby and cruel this family are being and thank your lucky fucking stars you aren’t facing the choice.

Jesus fucking wept.

The OP knows the child's illness has a nil survival rate.

The situation is desperately sad but I'm also uncomfortable with crowdfunding for alternative therapies where there is no hope. A contribution towards research into the disease would help other children and be a legacy. The Disney holiday would be absolutely fine.

OP, I don’t think your OP was insensitive and I agree with your reservations about the crowd funder. Personally I would try and avoid contributing but would counter this by donating more to a recognised children’s charity. I wouldn’t tell anyone . It sounds like there will be lots of support for the child and their parents. I don’t have bottomless reserves of money to give away and I like to chose where it goes. I tend to favour charities that are most likely to have trouble raising money.

If the kids want to support it I wouldn’t stop them though.

I think the posters on this thread who have been rude to you about not wishing to donate are out of order. It’s not ok to try and guilt trip other people into giving their money.

OP, you’re judging from a distance. I bet if you met this mother in a years time and she told you she’d lost her daughter and she was on her way to the food bank because treatment and grief had put such a strain on her family you’d be rallying round your friends to see what you could do to help.
But it’s not in your face right now you sit back and judge. Keep your money, kiss your kids before you get into bed and keep your thoughts and perspective on life to yourself. It’s really fucking painful reading.

@BrexitWife

In my clinical practice I lean most heavily on high quality meta-analyses. I also go by NICE and SIGN guidelines, but thankfully these are mostly informed by meta-analyses anyway.

How about you?

if it was me i would give as much as i could afford all so that family can make memories with there little girl. that trip might be that wee girls only dream in life so why not make it come true for her. my daughters school regularly hold non uniform days and the money goes to kids in uganda, so raise roughly £350 a time it probably wont change there lives but it helps to show my child giving to someone worse off than you is a good thing.

As I have said, am very sorry if I've offended anyone. I will of course donate to the appeal and won't let my children be singled out. I do have compassion for the family involved, i can't possibly imagine what they are gong through. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences - and their very forthright opinions. Potter belongs me when i say I'm not some kind of uncaring monster.
I'll take a lesson from this that, as shown by this thread, I would need to think very carefully before discussing my opinions IRL.

Fundraising for a specific individual isn’t a charitable purpose in law; the school is therefore wrong to call this a charity appeal and YWNBU to point this out to them.

No one has any idea how this unregulated fund will be used.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either, OP.

^Apologies for typos, on phone^

Stop being a fanny and just give the money.

I understand where you are coming from entirely. I would feel similar. But I'd also just go along with it as "making a stand" isn't going to make any difference (and neither is giving a few pounds) and just make things awkward. Doubly so if this is a local family, but even if not.
If it is not for a family in the school then I would have a confidential word with the school head about appropriate choices of appeals/charities. If it is a for a local family then I think it would risk causing too much upset and wouldn't say anything.

Rationally speaking, there are far better uses of money (in terms of lives saved per ££, even children's lives saved per ££ if you prefer) than donating towards alternative therapies for a single child. And if that is heartless then so be it.

Do you know what @SnappedCrackledAndPopped if my £15 gave even ten minutes of joy or respite for a family whose child is dying I would pay it. I'd have to be pretty fucking heartless not to ...

Yes YABU. Sorry.

But half a milion pounds could help an actual charity / researchers so much. I would rather it went to charity rather than line the pockets of quacks.

OP, I appreciate your comments and I am
Feeling slightly guilty about my the ferociousness of my response. You haven’t lived it and as people, we’re built to question things. It hit a huge nerve with me but my reaction is not your responsibility.

I just wanted to explain why crowdfunding is a better option for some families. We used a registered charity via just giving and it was made clear that if the operation did not go ahead the money would go to help
Another child.
We raised 60,000 of a 200,000 target in 4 days, then the government did a u turn and funded the treatment. The charity paid for flights and hotels and then kept the rest because they were not able to use the money to help the family.
Another charity paid for the Disney trip (I paid my own ticket)
Everyone watched as the family financially struggled wishing their money could have helped her family more directly. The charity we used squandered the rest in their own ‘expenses’.
Crowd funding would have eased their burden during and after.
By all means he cautious about crowdfunding where it’s vague but if I were to run my campaign again I’d choose crowdfunding every time.
Life isn’t black and white, sometimes you don’t need to form an opinion, sometimes you just need to count your blessings.

You could save a child's life in Africa for about 2-3000 each. Mosquito nets, immunisations. That kind of thing.

Or yes, donate the money to cancer research.

onceisawabee I don’t believe that is true. Many parents, I think myself included probably wouldn’t.

In answer to the op though, I wouldn’t make my kids stand out for the sake of a few quid. I’d give only what you can afford and let them attend in non uniform and wish the family the best. It can’t be easy going through what they are and some people will try anything no matter how that sits with others morally. In recent eats crowd funding has become a bit extreme and it does almost feel like forcing those who can’t afford to, to do so through guilt.

I don’t mean all crowd funding forced through guilt but when held in a school it can feel that way.