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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contribute to this appeal and potentially embarrass my children?

306 replies

SnappedCrackledAndPopped · 27/06/2018 19:48

School is holding a cake sale and non uniform day for a 'charity appeal' for a terminally ill little girl. The appeal has been featured in local newspaper and radio and they want to raise half a million pounds to go towards seeking alternative therapies abroad and also a memory making Disney family holiday. I'm rather embarrassed to say that I have a few issues with this, due to the following:

The child is terminally ill. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can be done to save their life or halt progression of this cruel and tragic disease. At best, these quack unproven treatments could only extend their life by a couple of months, at worse it would mean dragging a very sick child half way around the world on several exhausting journeys, which I'm not too sure would be in their best interests.

It is not correct to say this is a charity appeal. It is a crowd funder.

The kids think I'm being unreasonable. I'm ok with donating to one of the charities and foundations that fund research into this disease and I will happily do so. It's just that the crowd funder doesn't sit comfortably with me.

On the other hand I can wholly sympathise with her desperate family and have no idea whether or not I'd do the same in this situation.

Should I just keep my thoughts to myself and ride the wave of love shown to them by our local community, or go with my gut instinct that all this is probably not a very good idea?

Prepared to be told I'm a heartless evil witch.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 28/06/2018 17:34

Crunchy I just couldn't be bothered to reply to every point in her silly post. I addressed them in my latter posts. So yeah, right back at her.

BananaToffo · 28/06/2018 18:23

*SGB ".....and refuse to be blackmailed by them"
*
Exactly. It's emotional blackmail of the most repulsive kind.

And I can't even be persuaded that they truly give a fuck about the child or family involved. Their money shot is always the last few lines of their rants....."I personally gave XYZ for whatever" which displays the narcissistic point of their posts, if they weren't too fucking thick to realise it.

Debfronut · 28/06/2018 18:34

I hope they get their Disney holiday. Disney are wonderful with these children and adults. Contribute OP and thank your lucky stars it is not you. Your children are seeing you do the decent thing as well.

crunchymint · 28/06/2018 18:48

There are already charities that help terminally ill children fulfill their last wishes.

LilQueenie · 28/06/2018 18:52

You say alternative treatment but don't state what it actually is. Is this just your opinion?

Just donate for the child. I too saw a family member go through hell (they did pull through - just.) and lots of fundraising was done to take them on a trip to Disneyland. Its more than creating a memory, its trying to fit a lifetime of quality and quantity into a short space of time because that child is not going to grow up. They won't have the chance that other kids have to experience things or even have the little joys in life. They were too busy fighting for their lives and being sick or in pain most of the time. What difference does a few quid make to you?

auditqueen · 28/06/2018 23:06

Better a 'cold bitch' with a bit of sense than a gullible, blubbering moron. Every time

This. These criminals continue to operate and exploit vulnerable people because gullible people keep giving money for spurious causes - then use emotional blackmail to shut down a proper debate.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2018 23:50

And don't forget there are schools with families so poor that they are skipping meals; where the school provides phone-charging facilities for parents who have no electricity, and will launder kids' uniform if the family home has either no power or no washing facilities. And these are the areas where the emotional blackmail and outright scamming is often directed... All the fuckwits saying, oh just give a couple of pounds seem incapable of recognising that some people haven't got a couple of pence to spare, whether they support the appeal or not.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 29/06/2018 00:31

Encourage your children's compassion and wish to help. That is your job as a parent.

crunchymint · 29/06/2018 01:06

Whatwould Which is why I would only donate to charities that help people with living costs. I know any serious illness leads to a loss of or reduction in income and increased costs. But I also know that some families financial struggling, may mean they are still better off than some of the people donating. If you are well off, bunging £15 may be no issue. But as said above, it is often those who have the least who give the most to these kind of campaigns.

Rollonweekend · 29/06/2018 01:45

This desperate family know in their hearts their little girl won't make it but they are trying to give her the experience of Disneyland while she's still here. Why would you not contribute?!

OnionShite · 29/06/2018 07:49

All very true SGB. And should be required reading for some of the earlier commenters on the thread.

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 07:51

I do agree about pressuring families who can’t afford it, it really isn’t fair.

MariaMadita · 29/06/2018 09:00

oh just give a couple of pounds seem incapable of recognising that some people haven't got a couple of pence to spare, whether they support the appeal or not.

I agree.

But it doesn't seem like money is the issue for the OP.

She could adress that with the school (whether these kinds of events are appropriate) without saying anything about this one specifically. (Which she seemed to consider in use OP.)

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2018 09:04

I can't see a problem with talking to the school about the charities it chooses to support.

crunchymint · 29/06/2018 11:06

RollOnWeekend Because the family are not just asking for money for a trip to Disneyland, but also for alternative therapies.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 29/06/2018 17:51

The op has already said it will cost £15 or more. Where are people getting a couple of pounds or a pound from? £15 would be a lot to me, surely a pound for non uniform each kid and a pound for a few cakes?

BananaToffo · 29/06/2018 18:02

The memory making holiday in Disneyland is an "also" with regard to the fundraising. If it were only, or mostly that, they wouldn't be trying to get to half a million quid.

The money is to take a terminally ill child abroad for "alternative" treatments....meaning treeatments that that have either not been shown to work or actively shown not to work.

That is the OP's dilemma...not whether an ill little girl and her familiy should go to Disneyland.

Shumpalumpa · 29/06/2018 21:08

Just donate for the child.

What difference does a few quid mean to you?

lilqueenie not everyone can afford £15, as pp have pointed out.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/06/2018 23:41

Also, the sentimental guff about trips to Disneyland 'making memories' - is this really going to be any fun for a sick, dying kid? Or is it just a lot of photo opportunities for the parents? I'd be a bit concerned that there would be pressure put on a kid who is in pain/nauseous/exhausted to 'enjoy' such a trip and smile for the camera...

crunchymint · 29/06/2018 23:46

SGB Yes sadly it reminds me of my best friends sister who was taken on a similar trip, he went to. I remember asking him when he got back if his sister had enjoyed it - well my mum and sisters carer enjoyed it he answered, very honestly.

Birdsgottafly · 30/06/2018 12:30

"Is this really going to be any fun for a sick, dying kid?"

Some children that are dying, aren't actually sick, as such. As aren't Adults. As someone who has been seriously ill. I would rather be put into a wheelchair and not be well, than lie in bed. As have many of the people I cared for. That's why Doctors push for children to go home, develop a life etc, they do better following a normal life pattern and also why people die quicker in institutional care.

That's a big insult to the Parents and the medical team who would have to OK it, to say that you know better than them.

I'm on a FB page of a very ill little boy. It's cost his Family a fortune in hotel rooms and Car Hire. One Woman paid for the recent four day Car hire after the child's operation. People donated for other costs and send the Mum "care packages". She had made the decision to take him home to die, but the hospital team thought he had a good chance with the operation he has had, so she went ahead. That entailed a hospital transfer and onto a ward where Parents can't stay and is often in lock-down, for infection control. He's ten day post Op and doing well (he still needs a transplant and will remain in hospital), but, if it wasn't for fund raisers, it would be her on her own, being financially supported from a distance, by an otherwise struggling Family. She is officially homeless because of how the benefit system works.

Having a very sick child shouldn't put a family into dire poverty.

crunchymint · 30/06/2018 13:16

BirdsGottaFly I agree terminally ill people are not always that ill. By the time they are actively dying, they are always very ill. You can be terminally ill for 10 years or more, at work and living a fairly normal life. But nearer the end it is a different story.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/06/2018 13:49

I appreciate that it varies from patient to patient. But sometimes it does seem to be... not actually in the best interests of a sick child to take them to the other side of the world and expect them to Have Fun, yet people launch these fundraiser campaigns (whether or not they have discussed it with HCPs) and expect everyone else to cough up cash they might not have to spare, for something which might not be of any benefit...

ReginaPhalange20 · 30/06/2018 13:53

Give the money and be thankful you aren't in their shoes

Agreed

Birdsgottafly · 30/06/2018 15:01

crunchymint,no they aren't. My Mother was out with me the days before she had breathing difficulty at 4pm and had died at 21.45.

I've seen patients in hospices that have had similar experiences. I had to inform Friends of my FIL before they went in the room that this would probably be the last night they would see him. They laughed and joked with him, he went for a walk with them (he'd been at a Football Match three days before) and they gave me dirty looks as they left, because they thought it was me being dramatic. He died at 11am the next morning.

I've been at risk of dying, but not even in hospital. My DD (22) said that it's made her more tolerant because it opened up her thinking towards some conditions and why people might be behaving as they are when out and about.

ReanimatedSGB the medical team has to approve it. You have to get permission to fly, decided at team level. If there is a hint at a Safeguarding risk, it is reported.

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