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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One more childcare scenario

151 replies

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:24

OK - I was told I was BU with my other suggestions, so here is a different one.

DD is 14 - only child. No SEN. We are moving soon to a new area and she doesn’t know anyone. I’m worried about her being lonely and being home alone a lot. Also I want to go out but don’t want to leave her alone after midnight.

If there is a family with an au pair, one night every week or every other week the au pair can sleep at our house. In exchange she comes on an outing with us, to a National trust type thing.

How does that sound?
AIBU?

OP posts:
PolkerrisBeach · 27/06/2018 13:17

OP you are barking.

Your poor daughter.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2018 13:18

You have a 14 yo with no SEN, you don't need an au pair. You either need to see if you can pay one to watch your teenager or pay someone else to do it.

Or go out and come back before midnight.

PatriciaHolm · 27/06/2018 13:21

I don't think you are listening, OP.

None of what you are suggesting is appealing, or logical, or necessary. No au pair wants to follow you around like a third wheel, no rentee wants to live somewhere they can't have visitors or or use the living room. And no NT 14 year old wants or needs babysitting!

Your 14 year old will go to a new school, make friends, come home, do homework, be fine. Let her do that.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 13:23

AllCleverAndThat I actually agree that you're not looking for freebies but it does just seem odd and not particularly wise the way you're looking to exchange their labour for free stuff. Either you need to allow a situation to develop naturally where one of DD's friend's parents help with lifts to clubs and you reciprocate some other way or you need to hire someone and pay them upfront not via days out, gifts, club membership etc as dictated by you.

Having someone live with you but making it clear they're not welcome in certain parts of the house or to have guests over and having to be available for babysitting a 14 year old (whatever that entails) sounds like a very awkward arrangement - what if they're not free on the evening you need them? What if they meet someone and want to bring them back to their room? Will they have to cook in the kitchen then eat it in their room?

Paying a tutor for two hours sounds a bit much for after school - won't DD get tired?

It's not impossible an au pair will want to visit stone Henge or whatever but certainly not every week and they'll have their own itinerary for the things they want to do and they'll want to do it with their own friends according to their own schedule. Since these trips would be expensive for you anyway why not just pay the au pair then if they want to visit Stone henge they can use the money to do so?

You still haven't made it clear why you're so desperate for your 14 year old to be constantly supervised. Loneliness? Lack of Trust? Won't she feel infantilised and a bit stifled not having any time to be at home on her own?

Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 13:24

Patricia
It’s not a rentee. If I got to save £4,000 a year as a student by not paying rent and getting a free dinner I would go for it.

OP posts:
WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 13:24

YABU because your 14-year-old does not need a babysitter of any sort! NONE of these scenarios are ones people will jump up at because they will think you are potty for wanting a babysitter 2 nights a week for a 14-year-old.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 27/06/2018 13:26

OP do you live in a student area then?

PatriciaHolm · 27/06/2018 13:27

Are you this obtuse about everything, OP?

Let your daughter grow up.

FfionFlorist · 27/06/2018 13:28

Are you unreasonable in other parts of your life op? You have asked for opinions, you have got an almost unanimous yabu and still you go on justifying your convoluted plans. Give it, and your dd, a bloody rest for gods sake.

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 13:29

If I got to save £4,000 a year as a student by not paying rent and getting a free dinner I would go for it.

But they are not you. Do you just not get it? 'Rent free place, must provide babysitting for a 14-year-old with no SEN, cereal for breakfast, dinner but fuck off out the living room by 7 (except when I went to go out) and NO visitors, ever' is gonna read like 'Crazy person alert!' to a lot of people, hence why people have been telling you and telling you YABU and that if you want a babysitter pay for one or don't go out.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2018 13:31

Even to save 4k there's no way I'd move into a house where I'm only allowed out my bedroom when the owner permits it, can't have friends over, presumably can't cook they're own evening meal or sit down with a take out except for two nights a week when I have to sit in the living room and watch a 14 year old kid

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 13:32

And as an au pair has already told you, the going out to a NT property won't appeal because a) they'll think you're just after another day of babysitting b) it's bloody 2018, most au pairs are going to want to hang out with their friends on their day off, not babysit for free some more. I can't believe you have a teenage daughter and don't get this! My pre-teen already prefers to hang with her friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2018 13:32

Op who are you going out with twice a week?

FinallyHere · 27/06/2018 13:32

is gonna read like 'Crazy person alert!' to a lot of people

^ this

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2018 13:33

But WERk They get to go to Nt properties with the moody teenagers and the woman who has shown no actual respect for them!!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 13:38

AllCleverAndThat but they're not saving that much money really because they're giving up their free time (i.e. working for it) and they're being forced to put up with a very unsatisfactory living arrangement. Most people would rather get a part time job and rent a normal room.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 13:39

Also you still haven't explain why your DD needs constant supervision?

ApolloandDaphne · 27/06/2018 13:39

What is the context of all this? Are there other siblings? Do you have a DH? What hours do you work?

TheIsland · 27/06/2018 13:41

Why would your daughter want to spend time with an 18yr old - student/au pair/whatever you’ll think of next

Just encourage her to join clubs and make friends.

KittyVonCatsington · 27/06/2018 13:41

If it is bizarre and unusual for secondary school children to be picked up and dropped off who are all those people in the car park?

The Staff - both teaching and support. Hmm

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2018 13:41

Op have you moved to be nearer a partner or meet someone where you're moving to and that's why you know you'll be out twice a week every week? And why you feel guilty about doing so and leaving DD at home?

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 13:47

I think you're onto something Sleeping. She's uprooted the kid to move nearer a boyfriend and that's where the guilt comes from and the wanting to go out past midnight twice a week.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 27/06/2018 13:47

And how exactly do you plan on meeting these families with au pairs?

Seriously, just plan on dealing it within your own sphere. Stop trying to include as yet unmet people/families/friends in your plans. That way madness lies!!

You want an au pair, get your own au pair. Perhaps budget for it for 6 months until your DD does make her own friends etc.

Battleax · 27/06/2018 13:49

NO OP. No.

Why don’t you try listening?

evilharpy · 27/06/2018 13:49

Poor daughter :(

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