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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One more childcare scenario

151 replies

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:24

OK - I was told I was BU with my other suggestions, so here is a different one.

DD is 14 - only child. No SEN. We are moving soon to a new area and she doesn’t know anyone. I’m worried about her being lonely and being home alone a lot. Also I want to go out but don’t want to leave her alone after midnight.

If there is a family with an au pair, one night every week or every other week the au pair can sleep at our house. In exchange she comes on an outing with us, to a National trust type thing.

How does that sound?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 27/06/2018 08:22

I leave my 14 year old (she often looks after my 12 yo who has ASD), I have left her past midnight on the odd occasion and she has been fine. Maybe once you have settled you will make friends with the neighbours and then you could ask them if dd can come to them if there’s an emergency? My dd stays in contact with me via mobile phone if I’m out, she’s quite sensible.

I don’t think there are many au pairs that would want to watch a 14 year old for one day a week?

anditgoes · 27/06/2018 08:25

She'll be fine.

Also a normal life is not going out past midnight and leaving kids at home when uncomfortable or thinking so far in advance about how to be out so late.

Now I'm a mum who goes out until 4/5am and often doesn't return until the next day - as long as my kids are cared for - but I wouldn't call that a part of normal life. It's an extra to normal life as and when it fit in.

Without sounding harsh, I think your priorities are really mixed up

ChasedByBees · 27/06/2018 08:26

I think the au pair would want paying again to go on a trip to a stately home with people they don’t know. It’s not a treat, it’s a recipe for boredom and awkwardness.

Also there’s every chance the host family will think you're a CF.

Chesntoots · 27/06/2018 08:31

I don't usually post on threads about kids because I don't have any and have no real insight, but, fuck me, this kid is going to end up a neurotic mess who will fuck off to the furthest university as soon as she possibly can.

She is 14, not 4. Like other posters, I was babysitting, breaking ponies in etc at 14.

You need to take a step back and think about WHY you want to mollycoddle and embarras this poor child. I don't think the problem is her - it's you.

(I will whip a Hoover around in exchange for a roast dinner though...)

viques · 27/06/2018 08:33

Can anyone link to the previous thread please, I'm off to the dentist soon and need a distraction. Thanks,

insancerre · 27/06/2018 08:34

Can your dd not go out with you?

Candyflip · 27/06/2018 08:35

Oh this thread is fantastic for so many reasons!
OP your daughter is FOURTEEN! Four-fucking-teen. She really doesn’t need a babysitter. And a young cool European au pair could really do without spending a boring day at a fucking stately home with you and your overprotected child.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/06/2018 08:39

I take it the au pair is just some chattel to be passed about? How would you like it if someone was suggesting that your daughter work for free in exchange for some weird day out? Without even being asked. You are so unreasonable it's off the scale.

viques · 27/06/2018 08:39

As you were folks, I found it. Cereal and no sitting room? Blimey, you could make a fruit cake from this thread!

happypoobum · 27/06/2018 08:47

OP, if your 14 year old needs a sitter, then you will have to pay for one.

If you can afford to go out clubbing all night then you can afford to pay for childcare.

Is there a particular reason why you are so desperate to go out til the early hours? Your DD will be doing this soon and won't want to bump into her mum when she is out on the pull Grin

I haven't read the other thread so maybe that is why I feel like I am getting half the story here....

rainingcatsanddog · 27/06/2018 08:50

I have read a few of your posts OP.

It sounds like you don't trust your dd very much with the restricted phone use (no social media for a 14 year old) and wanting someone to babysit. Unless she has a history of reckless behaviour, it's highly unusual to have someone look after such an old girl. By infantilising her now, you run the risk of her going crazy when she goes off to uni and there's no limits and she has total freedom from you. Or she'll be unable to handle things as she's not used to adult expectations.

I have a similar age dd and when she gets in, she eats a snack then chills alone in her room until dinner. How does your dd feel about being alone until she gets home? Mine wouldn't care as long as there was food in the house. If I hired a babysitter, she wouldn't hang out with them. She'd be polite but would retreat to her room and put her headphones on. She doesn't need assistance from a babysitter and would would probably lock her door to feel safer.

Your idea is totally bonkers. You need to offer cash for babysitting. The outing idea sounds dull and relies on the babysitter enjoying spending her free time with you and the family which shouldn't be a condition of employment.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/06/2018 08:52

You really have got your knickers in a twist about this haven't you? And you are very keen on your early hours stoop out nights out too!

Why don't you get the move sorted. Spend a bit of time settling in (all of you!) and then work through the options for each scenario?

But no, you can't "pay" someone else's au pair with a NT trip.

Can I also ask, with all these "favours" you're asking from everyone else, what will you be doing to reciprocate?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 08:54

Like others have said it's a crazy idea. If you're happy to pay the au pair's entrance for a national trust property why not just pay her properly? It sounds like a way of hiring a babysitter without having to admit you're doing it.

When DD starts school she'll make friends and go to sleepovers - that would be the best time to go on a big night out. Beyond that she'll be fine being in the house alone for a few hours.

Balaboosteh · 27/06/2018 08:54

Am I the only one expecting that au pair to pop up in a few years on the Stately Homes boards reminiscing that they didn’t pay me or feed me but they did take me to stately homes...

KirstenRaymonde · 27/06/2018 08:56

OP you really need to relax. At 14 I was babysitting for BABIES, I didn’t need anyone to babysit me. Few 14 year olds would. The fact you’re in a new place has no bearing on her staying at home, inside a house is inside a house wherever it is.

You’re doing neither her or you any favours by mollycoddling her like this. Let her grow up and have some independence, she’ll be off to uni in 4 years, it’s no time.

happypoobum · 27/06/2018 08:57

OP can you just clarify - are you a single parent? You refer to "we" a lot in previous thread and it sounds like you and DP/DH are going out til early hours? Is that correct? Twice a week?

Do you have a job?

If you can afford all this socialising you should just cut it back and pay a sitter.

My own preference would be to go out and leave DD alone but come back around 11pm. Is there a reason you won't do that? Confused

You are coming across as very immature - were you a very young mother? I had a friend at college whose mother had her at 16 and she was bloody mortified if we were out clubbing and there was mum, dressed to kill.

whatwouldnigellado · 27/06/2018 08:58

Slightly off point but not sure your 14 year old will want to go to national trust type places with you let alone with the once a week au pair Grin

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/06/2018 08:58

It's like trying to buy a friend for your child without actually paying for it.

KittyVonCatsworth · 27/06/2018 08:59

I will clean for roast dinners and wine if that’s an offer on the table btw. You can shove the babysitting in lieu of a day out at a stately home though!

Sorry OP, I try not be harsh generally but I do think you’re on glue if you think this is reasonable. I was also the wildest of 14 year olds and never killed anyone/myself or demolish the family home when left (a lot) by my parents. Gooooooosfrabber.

IStillDrinkCava · 27/06/2018 09:04

Firstly it's not all that polite to just stop responding on your first thread and start another.

If you want an au pair, get an au pair. You can't just find someone else's and borrow them. And anyway, paying them would probably work out cheaper (and less odd!) than having to do a day out every week for the "free" childcare.

I do have a bit of sympathy because my son DOES have SN and I may well be in a similar predicament when he's 14. But as I said on your previous thread, I think you need to trust your daughter more and find a much more mainstream solution. Such as she comes home, does her homework, hangs out with her new mates, or joins school drama club. That kind of thing. Or pay a babysitter. That's a much more sustainable solution than these wacky ones.

Is school walkable or is there a bus?

formerbabe · 27/06/2018 09:04

What's in it for the mythical family who are employing this au pair?!

MsHomeSlice · 27/06/2018 09:04

bitoutofpractice the favour from OP is allowing the babysitter to babysit.

Maelstrop · 27/06/2018 09:12

This is such a weird bunch of posts: neurotypical 14 year olds do not need a babysitter unless they are pyromaniacs, kleptomaniacs, self harming. Is she any of those? Then fuck off trying to organise her life around some frankly ridiculous scenarios!

Bibesia · 27/06/2018 09:18

It's really odd that your childcare scenarios are all based around piggybacking off other families who you don't even know yet. You assume there will be at least one family whose child goes to the same club as yours and who picks up that child from school who will also be willing to pick up your child and take her to the club; presumably that child needs to be around the same age as well. You also assume that there will be another family with an au pair who has a free evening and will regard it as a treat to use her day off being taken out by you.

It's all so unlikely and so complicated when you could just leave your child to get herself to the club, and wait till you're settled in before making plans to go out in the evenings.

Ifonlyus · 27/06/2018 09:21

Why don't you get an au pair yourself? Part of their agreement could be to be home for X hours when your DD gets home from school, just so there is someone else in the house. And they could be useful for some light domestic tasks - cleaning, laundry, shopping - if you and your DP are working longish hours out of the home.