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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One more childcare scenario

151 replies

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:24

OK - I was told I was BU with my other suggestions, so here is a different one.

DD is 14 - only child. No SEN. We are moving soon to a new area and she doesn’t know anyone. I’m worried about her being lonely and being home alone a lot. Also I want to go out but don’t want to leave her alone after midnight.

If there is a family with an au pair, one night every week or every other week the au pair can sleep at our house. In exchange she comes on an outing with us, to a National trust type thing.

How does that sound?
AIBU?

OP posts:
dentydown · 27/06/2018 09:46

If you had a mobile phone your daughter could ring you?
Do you walk her to school as well?

AgentJohnson · 27/06/2018 10:11

Hey, look after my teenager for free and you’ll be compensated by some random day out, which will of course be to my liking and not the yours, can’t see too many people biting your ‘generous’ hand off’🙄 .

Wow you really are clueless, try thinking about it from the Aupair’s, host family or your DD’s perspective. Then you might see that your offer is more about you, than them.

How about waiting x amount of time so your DD is more comfortable in her new home and city.

The level of self absorption on display here, is impressive.

slashlover · 27/06/2018 10:22

OP has another thread about her 14 year old DD going into her room, going through her stuff and 'borrowing' things so maybe why OP is reluctant to leave DD home alone?

steff13 · 27/06/2018 10:25

If that's the case, she just needs to hire a babysitter for when she's not home.

CatherineTheTiny · 27/06/2018 10:47

I work as an Au-Pair and there would be no way I'd do this (or my host family agreeing to this). I am spending my time off with my friends and to be honest, I am glad that my weekends are relatively child-free, you'd have to pay me to go on an outing with you. Because I'd suspect in the end it's an outing for you and I am just there to look after your DD

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 10:51

If the DD is borrowing stuff without asking I'd get a lock for the bedroom door. If she's not trustworthy in general then you need to figure out why. I don't think infantilising her by getting a babysitter when you're out for a few hours is necessarily the answer though. I also don't think an Au Pair is going to work unpaid or want to take a day out with you either,

ApolloandDaphne · 27/06/2018 10:58

She is 14. Within 2 weeks of starting her new school she will have made new friends and you will never see her. She does not need any sort of baby sitter.

Cornettoninja · 27/06/2018 11:00

The major flaw in most of your threads so far is that you’re presuming people will want whatever carrot you’re waving at them. If it happens naturally, great, otherwise you just look bonkers and people will avoid you. Just stop it.

If you’re really that concerned then the job you have isn’t going to work for you is it? The primary problem is you not getting home till gone 7pm.

You have two options - trust your dd or look for work elsewhere. Option one is what pretty much everyone else in the world would do bar any disibilities. But realistically those are your options.

FinallyHere · 27/06/2018 11:00

need to lay the au pair not give her a day out

In the context of the rest of the OP's suggestions, this may count as one of the more sensible suggestions.

BanginChoons · 27/06/2018 11:06

OP if you want freechildcare then you need to offer the same to someone in return. Offer to have her school friend one weekend then ask if they will have your daughter the next weekend in return. Sorted.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 11:11

I think Cornettoninja has it right. Sometimes these tit for tat arrangements arise naturally (DD gets a lift to club on Wednesdays you take DD's friend to other club on Saturday) but you can't engineer them because they rely on you being able to reciprocate in a way that is useful to the other person and that just might not exist. At 14 the arrangements tend to be more fluid anyway. Kids make arrangements at the last minute to go to a friend's house after school. Unless you're going to be away overnight it really doesn't need this level of organisation.

Ceecee18 · 27/06/2018 11:19

Shes 14, she doesnt need babysitting even in a new city. If she goes off to uni a few years she may be moving to an entirely new city without you.

But if you're that concerned then why not take a days holiday once a week for a few weeks to help her get settled? Why can't you just wait a few months until she's settled to have a night out? By then she may have made friends who could stay with her. If you're that concerned she won't feel comfortable then surely you could manage that? Or failing that then have your mom stay with her for a night every couple of weeks, or send her to your moms for the night?

Surely your main focus should be moving and getting settled before planning to nights out before you've even moved?

DevilsDoorbell · 27/06/2018 11:29

You really don’t get it do you op? Why on earth would an au pair want to spend her free time going out with you and your family? If you use an au pair for babysitting, you need to pay them. It’s as simple as that.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/06/2018 12:10

Ah I see MsHomsSlice. She's generous to a fault eh?

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 12:30

Why don't you get an au pair yourself? Part of their agreement could be to be home for X hours when your DD gets home from school, just so there is someone else in the house. And they could be useful for some light domestic tasks - cleaning, laundry, shopping - if you and your DP are working longish hours out of the home.

Well for starters you have to pay au pairs and the OP is after freebies. And on her last thread she was seeking a lodger but the lodger would not be allowed to use the living room or have any visitors and provided cereal for breakfast and dinner so an au pair would be out.

She has money to go out two nights a week but not to pay anyone to look after her kid so the day out a NT property probably won't include so much as a cup of tea in the cafe for the au pair.

Tertiathethird · 27/06/2018 12:34

An au pair won’t want to do this, that’ll be your basic stumbling block

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 12:35

Or host family Tertia.

Deadringer · 27/06/2018 12:41

If you are in a university area (I think you said you were) and you have s spare room why don't you rent out a room to a student from September. They often only stay Monday to Friday and you could give them a reduction in rent if they keep her company a couple of nights a week. although i agree that a 14 year old doesnt need a babysitter

spottyhankerchiefs · 27/06/2018 12:45

Your daughter will much prefer to stay in the house on her own than have a stranger there for 'company' surely?

Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 13:07

The reason I had different threads is so that the discussion of one scenario did not derail the others. Apologies if that is not correct etiquette.

  1. In scenario 1 (pay for club membership plus extra £10 for driving - that’s not a ‘freebie’
  1. In scenario 2 of paying for a tutor - that is not a freebie either.
  1. I would pay my mother’s fuel for an overnight visit. She says she wishes to see dd more - so that is something of a ‘freebie’ but in the context of family relationships.
  1. I am already working 4 days a week so not necessary to take another.
  1. If it is bizarre and unusual for secondary school children to be picked up and dropped off who are all those people in the car park? Not all sixth formers.
  1. Some au pairs are in the country for language practice and tourism. My understanding is that they are paid about £100 per week for light duties (not a nanny or cleaner) with lots of free time. If I were a 19 year old working as an au pair I’d jump at the chance to visit Stonehenge/Big Ben / where Downton Abby was filmed/ Alton towers every other week for free I would jump at the chance. But most of you say IABU so I respect that.
  1. To those saying just take a student and pay them. A single room is at least £400 per month to rent here. I personally would be happy to get a free room and breakfast and dinner in exchange for a couple of nights babysitting but again, I’ve been told IABU so again, I will respect that.
OP posts:
Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 13:09

Rather than rent the room out, they can have it for free plus dinner (in the kitchen with us) in exchange for the restrictions. No visitors. 2 nights babysitting. Don’t use living room after 7.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2018 13:12

Yabu re room because you wanted them confined to their bedroom if you were in the house, couldn't have visitors etc.

Go out and come home before midnight?
Who are you going out with? What are their child care arrangements?

Personally I'd pay DM to visit

Original poster
AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 13:16

We are doing the activities anyway, so it is cheaper to pay £30 for an extra ticket than £100 plus food for an au pair living with us

OP posts:
Tertiathethird · 27/06/2018 13:17

Well if you think an au pair will go for it (and expect the host family to agree - I can’t see why not, au pairs are entitled to their own friendships and social life), then why not give it a go?

I haven’t seen your other threads btw

SugarIsAmazing · 27/06/2018 13:17

We went away for a night in a hotel and my fifteen year old daughter looked after her 9 and 12 year old siblings.
A 14 year old does not need a babysitter.