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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One more childcare scenario

151 replies

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 07:24

OK - I was told I was BU with my other suggestions, so here is a different one.

DD is 14 - only child. No SEN. We are moving soon to a new area and she doesn’t know anyone. I’m worried about her being lonely and being home alone a lot. Also I want to go out but don’t want to leave her alone after midnight.

If there is a family with an au pair, one night every week or every other week the au pair can sleep at our house. In exchange she comes on an outing with us, to a National trust type thing.

How does that sound?
AIBU?

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 27/06/2018 07:48

I’m having a baked potato for lunch.

formerbabe · 27/06/2018 07:48

I was thinking someone from Spain or something who is here as an au pair but the family can’t afford an outing every weekend. Then we can take her out

Seriously?! What a crappy deal you'd be offering.

LeighaJ · 27/06/2018 07:48

You are also BU for creating 2 additional threads in the hopes of I dunno tricking? us into saying you're being reasonable.

I'm sure an au pair would rather get paid and have her days off to herself then hangout with employers.

LeighaJ · 27/06/2018 07:49

"strawberrisc

I’m having a baked potato for lunch."

🤣

BrownTurkey · 27/06/2018 07:50

I wonder why this is worrying you - is the move worrying you a lot? It will work out ok, don’t worry. I wonder what your dd thinks, maybe get her views. That would be supportive too.

We live in a digital age with smart phones and Skype. Give her a list of emergency contacts and encourage her to call friends and family. And turn your attention to continuing to support her with the emotional needs of the move - including being more available to her for a while (even if this means extra time off or not going out late the first 6-12 months).

ZoeWashburne · 27/06/2018 07:52

I was thinking someone from Spain or something who is here as an au pair but the family can’t afford an outing every weekend. Then we can take her out.

Do people from Spain not like money as compensation for a job you are asking them to do?

Your anxiety is palpable. You don't even have a night out planned and you are already worrying about this. Focus on the move and then cross that bridge. Maybe try going out for a few hours one night but back by 10. then slowly make it longer if you are so concerned.

But the one thing you have to do is stop approaching people with childcare issues- borrowing nannies, paying children to go to hobbies etc. You will be THAT mum that everyone avoids- and really start your daughter off on the wrong foot in a new school.

WerkSupp · 27/06/2018 07:52

OK, how about this one. You stay at bloody home until your daughter makes some friends. There's no way in hell a family with an au pair is going to loan her out to babysit a teenager. And for no money? FFS, you have money to go out but not pay a babysitter your daughter doesn't need?

diddl · 27/06/2018 07:55

"Right now she has friends, takes the bus to her club and waits for us at home alone till 6-7."

And she'll be able to do that in the new place!

PalePinkSwan · 27/06/2018 07:55

These threads are so odd.

If you really feel she needs a babysitter, then do what everybody else does and just hire a babysitter. For money. Like normal people do.

formerbabe · 27/06/2018 07:56

Does anyone have a cleaner I can borrow?! I can't pay them but they are welcome to join us for Sunday lunch...I make a mean roast chicken!

Notlivestock · 27/06/2018 07:58

What is it about Spanish au pairs that makes you think they'd be happy to work for no money? Honestly OP, nobody likes national trust properties so much that they'd willingly do a night of free childcare in return for traipsing round one with some random woman and her 14 year old child.

If your DD already manages on her own, being in a new city isn't going to make a difference is it? She'll presumably just be at home so why does it matter that it's a new city?

And she will have made friends in no time. Even if she has a summer of not knowing anyone, by September at the latest she'll be making pals. In the meantime you could still go out now and then, because all the money you'll be saving from not going out weekly can be used to pay a babysitter for a few hours once every 4 or 5 weeks.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 27/06/2018 07:58

How many threads are you going to start? Just because you don’t like the answers given on the last one?!

You can’t expect someone to look after your child in return for a national trust day trip. You make it sound like looking after your child is something she or he should be grateful for.

If you need to have someone look after your DD then PAY THEM. With actual money.

But what does your DD want? You’re making all these decisions based on what YOU think she needs but have you actually spoken to her

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 27/06/2018 07:59

Former my dream is to be paid in roast dinners! Grin

kaytee87 · 27/06/2018 08:00

If you want childcare then you're going to need to pay for it.

thecatsthecats · 27/06/2018 08:00

The Spanish are famous for their love of National Trust Properties.

The NT had to put a cap on their attendance because they were crowding out the British and other nationalities. Most of them were au pairs being treated by a random family, in exchange for babysitting duties. That's why the signs are all trilingual - English, Spanish, Catalonian (many of the au pairs are from Barcelona).

Notlivestock · 27/06/2018 08:01

The NT had to put a cap on their attendance because they were crowding out the British and other nationalities. Most of them were au pairs being treated by a random family, in exchange for babysitting duties. That's why the signs are all trilingual - English, Spanish, Catalonian (many of the au pairs are from Barcelona).

😂😂😂

Medea13 · 27/06/2018 08:01

Wow, all these ideas are total batshit, OP. Your daughter will be fine. Save your buying friends/glorified babysitter money and allow her to get a taxi/uber if you really think she is incapable of taking a bus or two alone. Tbh if it were me i would pocket the taxi money and get a bus anyway and save up for something cool to try to make up for the mental toil of having an overbearing, controlling, anxious mother.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 27/06/2018 08:01

Also, can you imagine if you actually do hire someone to babysit and they turn out to be the older sister of one of your dds classmates...or potentially one of her classmates as I, like many, were babysitting at 14

That would go down so brilliantly well. Not

Sparklesocks · 27/06/2018 08:01

You don’t live in the real world OP

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/06/2018 08:02

No it's a shitty deal for everyone concerned except for you - the host family having their au pair taken, the au pair not getting paid and to be honest you sound like you have a very high opinion of yourself, like a day out with the people she baby sits for is payment for work? Oh please cop on.

You say you want to get back to normality then either go out earlier for early dinner, cinema, club, pub, hobby where you only leave your daughter for a short time or wait another few months until she is settled in the new city

Bibesia · 27/06/2018 08:04

Are there really so many interesting places near your new address for days out that you can go to a different one every week? What you pay for a day out plus meals is likely to equate to an evening's babysitting anyway.

Bear in mind also that your daughter should be starting preparation for GCSEs soon. If she has a lot of homework, she may not want to trail out every weekend, or indeed to have to go to someone else's house after school as suggested in your other thread.

Just postpone going out till your daughter has friends, then sort other things out from that point.

Imchlibob · 27/06/2018 08:05

Jeez most people would expect payment to join a random family of strangers on a day out to a national trust property. Not that they aren't interesting but they are a thing to do with actual friends and relatives. No that is not an acceptable payment.

When your dd starts making friends at her new school, bend over backwards to help bond those friendships including hosting sleepovers on nights when you can be home early enough. Eventually she will start getting reciprocal invitations and then you get a night out.

ghostyslovesheets · 27/06/2018 08:07

she's 14 ...14 not 14 months - 14!

god lord OP she doesn't need childcare - she needs some mates and a mum who lets her be independant

or a mum who pays for childcare - such as a childminder - which she will love - new kid in school being picked up by a childminder every day - that's very cool for a teenager.

PolkerrisBeach · 27/06/2018 08:07

Why would they want to go to a stately home with a random family. They'd prefer to go with their actual host family.

Or might prefer to go shopping, to the cinema or getting sloshed in dive bars with their au pair friends.

OP you are being very weird about this! I have a 14 year old too. You say your child is fine at the moment with arrangements and there is no reason to think that she won't make friends or whatever. LEAVE THE POOR GIRL BE.

Don't try to force friendships by making arrangements with other people at her club until they arise naturally. If you want to go out for the night just go, she won't spontaneously combust being left on her own with Netflix for the evening.

calzone · 27/06/2018 08:18

Won’t she make friends at school?

You are overthinking this and I’m sure your dd will be fine.

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