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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Safeguarding School Fail!!!

134 replies

CluelesslyMomin · 26/06/2018 21:00

AIBU to be fuming at DD school?!
Another (older from what DD said he is 7/8) child showed DD (she is 6) his willy and pulled her school dress up and snagged the dress on a branch.
And then the school didn’t tell me until today when it happened yesterday?! They also then massively down played it, made excuses, and said that DD was prone to flirting with boys so it’s pretty much her fault...even though she feels embarrassed and humiliated by it...AND THEN the teacher turns around to DD and said that because she flirts and sometimes kiss chaces other boys she can’t always believe her, even though DD did the right thing in telling a teacher about it.
Completely separate to the issue I have told DD not to kiss chase boys and hasn’t done it since I explained that it wasn’t appropriate...that shouldn’t be even an issue in the above anyway.
Like WTAF?! AIBU in wanting heads to roll and getting my mumma bear claws out?! Before I storm in tomorrow morning guns blazing AIBU? Surely MASSIVE safeguarding has been disregarded here?!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 26/06/2018 21:03

What action are you expecting to be taken, and what do you think has been done wrong, apart from by the other child?

lilyboleyn · 26/06/2018 21:05

Normally I’d side with the school but YANBU. I assume the midday supervisors spotted this and it didn’t happen in class? In which case school may not have known until after you’d collected at end of day (supervisor wasn’t able to pass onto teacher in time).

But there shouldn’t be victim blaming (flirting - wtf?!) and the boy should definitely have been sanctioned. I’d want to know how they were going to prevent it from happening again.

BananaHarvest · 26/06/2018 21:06

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HellenaHandbasket · 26/06/2018 21:07

They said a 6 year old flirted?! Massively inappropriate, I'd be fuming.

HellenaHandbasket · 26/06/2018 21:08

I'm really surprised at some of these comments. A boy that age knows not to show younger kids his privates surely ?

Tistheseason17 · 26/06/2018 21:09

6 yr old flirting?
That's the type of excuse a paedophile gives.
I'd be fuming about the victim blaming. Disgusting.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 26/06/2018 21:09

In terms of a boy showing someone his willy - that's just what kids do they get curious. I've seen both girls and boys show each other their privates - no big deal (although obviously it should be dealt with and kids should be made to understand that those body parts are private etc etc.). The dress thing is obviously bad behaviour and should be dealt with at school.

The main thing I'd be horrified by was the teacher accusing a six year old of flirting. That's insane. I would assume there was no sexual element to what the boy did just curiosity and bad behaviour. Accusing a child of flirting is going to be incredibly confusing and sexualising a situation which is just within the realm of normal kids games.

User12879923378 · 26/06/2018 21:10

You’d do better telling your child that’s if she plays kiss chase then skirts get lifted in retaliation.

Did you travel here from the 1950s?

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/06/2018 21:11

It's bizarre that they would say a 6 year old flirts with boys and therefore shouldn't be surprised if they then behave sexually inappropriately towards her. She's 6! Never mind the whole thing about her not being credible as a result.

I'd want to talk to them about safeguarding, victim blaming and stereotyping of girls and boys behavior being used to excuse the boys. What steps will they take to ensure that children know not to expose their private parts to each other? What steps will they take to stop "kiss-chase" games if they see them as so problematic? Etc etc.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 26/06/2018 21:12

A boy that age knows not to show younger kids his privates surely ?

I'm sure he probably knows but kids do naughty things sometimes - you let them know it's not acceptable but you don't over react. What people are saying is that while it's obviously not appropriate behaviour it's within the boundaries of what you'd expect to happen sometimes in the playground.

Original poster
CluelesslyMomin · 26/06/2018 21:12

Except as stated in the OP she hasn’t 'kiss chased' for weeks now and that was just used as an excuse.

OP posts:
Amalfimamma · 26/06/2018 21:12

Yanbu. I'd ask the teacher who put it down to your dad's flirting if she would say the same if she flirted with someone and then got flashed and assaulted?

Heads should roll only for that teachers behavior and victim. Shaming.

And no, it's not only silly kids games. It's flashing and sexual assault and if allowed at this age will probably continue into adulthood.

Timeisslippingaway · 26/06/2018 21:14

The teacher told her she couldn't trust her because she was flirting? At 6 years old?
We used to chase the boys around the play ground and play silly games and dare each other to kiss, I would certainly never have expected one of the boys to pull his penis out and lift my dress.
I wouldn't be too angry about what actually happened as yes sometimes kids get carried away and they seem to know a lot more these days but I would be absolutely disgusted at the teacher is implying. I would go ape shit.

kirta · 26/06/2018 21:16

There is a very specific procedure to be followed by schools when there are incidents of this nature. A boy showing his penis to your daughter and lifting her skirt should absolutely have triggered a procedure that Safeguards your daughter and also looks at the boys behaviour, to ensure that he is not behaving this way due to underlying reasons in his own background. Also, there is a question of educating him to ensure he doesn't repeat the behaviour and cause further distress to other pupils.
I would contact the school tomorrow and request a meeting with the DSL and have a discussion about how you move forward. How will your daughter feel safe at school? What is being done to prevent further incidents? I would see what response you get, and hopefully you feel satisfied that they can keep your daughter safe. There are steps you can take if you are still not happy, and you should definitely address with the school the poor communication. But your first step would be to speak with the Safeguarding lead.

AssassinatedBeauty · 26/06/2018 21:17

If a 7/8 year old knows it's wrong to show his private parts to another child, but does it anyway followed by touching her and her dress then he needs more than just a quick telling off. It's wrong to think that this behaviour is typical and should be accepted as just playground high-jinks.

ElfridaEtAl · 26/06/2018 21:20

The fact the teacher has tried to blame your DD is horrendous. She's 6! I very much doubt she knows what flirting is let alone knowingly does it. That is the thing I'd have the most issue with, the victime blaming. Absolutely disgusting. Go in there and go ballistic, I am genuinely gob smacked.

LuluJakey1 · 26/06/2018 21:28

These are things children do. The school's job is to manage them and ensure children know what is and is not appropriate, keep them safe and react sensibly. I think you have a right as a parent to know what happened on the day it happenec. I think the boy's parents have that right too and the school should meet with them to discuss wha5 happened and decide how to deal with this. I don't know why the teacher said what they did. On the surface what they said is way out of order, however, has your daughter exaggerated about boys behaviour before- is that what the teacher was saying. Whatever, lessons to be learned all round. Nothing to be raging up to school about but certainly a meeting and an honest conversation is warranted.

Rocinante1 · 26/06/2018 21:28

Tell us where to be and when, and you’ll get a hundred of us there to how the school that you do not blame the victim! And you do not allow a young girl to feel that she will not be believed when she complains about innapropriate sexualised behaviour. Honestly, was the teacher high? Or male? Or just a fucking idiot

rosesandflowers1 · 26/06/2018 21:30

I could forgive the original incident as childhood silliness/curiosity as long as it was appropriately dealt with.

But the teachers response was absolutely despicable. I'd be fuming.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 26/06/2018 21:32

and said that DD was prone to flirting with boys so it’s pretty much her fault.

Shock totally inappropriate! What the hell is wrong with them??

LuluJakey1 · 26/06/2018 21:33

Elfrida Please stop being so ridiculous. No one should be 'going ballistic' in a school. The kind of parents that do are inevitably those whose children are of most concern because they witness such behaviour and their parents 'kicking off'. A reasonable, honest, calm conversation is what is needed.

You sound like awful. Screaming and shouting gets you nowhere- do you not realise that? It is bullies and people without self-control who behave like that and they make awful parents.

SeriousSimon · 26/06/2018 21:39

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petrolpump28 · 26/06/2018 21:39

mama bear claws?

Snowysky20009 · 26/06/2018 21:40

This could be innocent- show me yours and I'll show you mine, which children do out of curiosity. Or it could be indicative of something more.

Whatever it is, blaming a child for 'flirting' is out of the question. You need a meeting with the head.

I know it's hard, but try to curb blaming the child, he may have more issues going on than you realise. Also don't be the school yard gossip about it. It is a child we're are talking about after all.

sockunicorn · 26/06/2018 21:41

jesus if playing kiss chase and flirting allows him to lift her dress then i dread the day she holds his hand or actually kisses him! what does that then allow him to do?!

i would be fuming (more at the teacher than the little boy) and would be having words with the head regarding their choice of words.