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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Safeguarding School Fail!!!

134 replies

CluelesslyMomin · 26/06/2018 21:00

AIBU to be fuming at DD school?!
Another (older from what DD said he is 7/8) child showed DD (she is 6) his willy and pulled her school dress up and snagged the dress on a branch.
And then the school didn’t tell me until today when it happened yesterday?! They also then massively down played it, made excuses, and said that DD was prone to flirting with boys so it’s pretty much her fault...even though she feels embarrassed and humiliated by it...AND THEN the teacher turns around to DD and said that because she flirts and sometimes kiss chaces other boys she can’t always believe her, even though DD did the right thing in telling a teacher about it.
Completely separate to the issue I have told DD not to kiss chase boys and hasn’t done it since I explained that it wasn’t appropriate...that shouldn’t be even an issue in the above anyway.
Like WTAF?! AIBU in wanting heads to roll and getting my mumma bear claws out?! Before I storm in tomorrow morning guns blazing AIBU? Surely MASSIVE safeguarding has been disregarded here?!

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/06/2018 14:17

Letter is best. Just write it all down clearly and calmly ending with a request for appointment. Guns blazing only gets knee jerk defensiveness as no teachers have time in the morning and this needs a cool head
I'm really on the fence here about how to react, be clear about what a positive outcome is, do you want an apology? Acknowledgment that it's wrong to call a 6 yr old a flirt and the victim shaming?
Personally I don't think kiss chase or skirt lifting is a big deal with small kids BUT it would be gently stopped on my watch. The latest sex abuse prevention. Advice from the experts is all about consent and bodily autonomy

kirta · 27/06/2018 15:09

@NotTakenUsername

To Flirt behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions.

Children begin to experience sexual attraction and feelings of sexuality in adolescence and around puberty. The NSPCC describe this as healthy sexual behaviour. NOT at six years old. A six year old's behaviour, when considering the definition, should never be referred to 'flirting' or 'flirtatious'.

I have attached the link from the NSPCC around healthy sexual behaviours.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/healthy-sexual-behaviour-children-young-people/

NotTakenUsername · 27/06/2018 17:58

kirta my issue is that if the school thought op Dd was flirting, that in itself is a safeguarding issue.

Weedinosaurus · 27/06/2018 18:13

I'm going to say the flirting comments didn't happen. Simply because I don't think anybody could be stupid enough to say that. I think the victim blaming aspect had been added by OP to ensure responses support her. I honestly can't ever imagine a teacher so ridiculous to blame a 6 year old girl for a boy behaving like he did. Sorry if it's actually true OP. In that case, the school have some serious issues.

placemats · 27/06/2018 19:32

This reply has been deleted

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petrolpump28 · 27/06/2018 19:41

Did the teacher accuse the 6 year old of flirting? A simple yes or no will do.

placemats · 27/06/2018 19:52

Read the OP's first post. petrol It might help to do that before asking such a question.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/06/2018 19:53

I'm fuming for you op, you must report this if you haven't already. It's not OK, it's in no way your daughters fault. Let us know what they say.

petrolpump28 · 27/06/2018 19:59

I am able to read and I see " is prone to flirting". An odd turn of phrase.

Weedinosaurus · 27/06/2018 20:07

How is that sitting on the fence. I honestly find it very hard to believe that an educated person could make such an outrageous statement. What the little bit did was wrong and absolutely need to be dealt with through the proper channels. I just can't see a teacher saying a child flirts. And let's be honest- it's not exactly unknown for posts to have a few 'little fibs' in.

Weedinosaurus · 27/06/2018 20:09

And I would guess I'm not the only person who has read this thread to have that thought cross their mind.

kirta · 27/06/2018 20:14

weed I can reassure you that some teachers in the minority will say things like that. It is a rare occurrence in my experience, but there are definitely some in the profession that would use turns of phrase without thinking or considering the context. I say this as a member of that profession and someone who has had to investigate such allegations.
It would be nice to think it is beyond the realms of possibility, but it's not.

Kdubs1981 · 27/06/2018 20:19

How would you feel if your daughter was chased by a boy and he tried to catch her and kiss her, even if she didn’t want him to?

I think more than one child has been doing something inappropriate here. If that is safeguarding, then do is kiss chase.

I agree that the message given to your daughter about flirting is toxic.

peoplearemean · 27/06/2018 21:16

What happened today OP?

PotteryLady · 27/06/2018 22:04

Hope it's sorted

petrolpump28 · 27/06/2018 22:11

yes lets hope so. Wouldnt want to lose any sleepover this one.

geekone · 28/06/2018 01:05

@NotTakenUsername your points are shite apologies for the language but you are being inflammatory. School insinuated flirtation thatndoes not meant flirtation occurred. I ask you this also if I chatted and laughed with a guy from work and it was construed and flirtation or indeed if I even flirted can he then show me his penis and pull up my skirt? No he would be in jail, ASAP, stop the nonsense victim blaming. Little girls play and they are feminine that does not mean flirting, they have no idea of sexuality or inappropriate actions and I would say a 6 year old boy too if that had been the case, but 8/9 they know, even if they don’t understand they know it’s wrong they are 2-3 years from high school so stop goading and victim blaming.

geekone · 28/06/2018 01:06

Sorry for ranty grammer slightly alcoholised as at work thing.

NotTakenUsername · 28/06/2018 08:13

@geekone
Thanks for your slightly drunken contribution.
The school sounds terrible at safeguarding.
That means not picking up on the op Dd ‘flirty’ behaviour and following up on that.
That means not following up on the showing penis incident promptly.

I do wonder how significant the damaged dress is, and if teachers and op would even have found out about this if that hadn’t happened.

I think we have to carefully balance understanding the clumsy navigation of childhood and applying adult values to childish events.

Children do not have the same impulse control as we expect of adults. That is why they don’t get thrown in prison at 7/8 years old.

”no he would be in jail.”
I think you grossly overestimated the effectiveness of the law at protecting women from this sort of behaviour. Full on rapists easily escape jail time, unfortunately.

I’m not saying it’s great.
I’m not saying the teachers comments were ok - but I would listen to what she said in her very politically incorrect way and make sure the Dd is ok too.

The little boy did something a bit silly, but it wasn’t sexual assault. It is the teacher who made this issue more than it needed to be - boys showing (with permission) their penis to girls is not a new phenomenon.

petrolpump28 · 28/06/2018 08:26

can we trust the words of a 6 year old, reported back to Mum after 24 hours. " the teacher said I was flirting" really?

or did the teacher say " look Ms Smith sorry about your daughter seeing a penis and having her skirt lifted but lets face it, she does like to flirt"

CluelesslyMomin · 28/06/2018 09:55

Hello!

So to be clear, DD did not tell me about the event, the teacher told me about the event the day after it happened.
Teacher said, although not word for word because my memory is just as flawed as everyone else’s...
“Mrs CluelesslyMommin can I just grab you for a second....
We had an incident where another child showed DD his penis and pulled up her dress, however there is a certain uncertainty as to whether he pulled up her dress or a branch did...(🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️) DD has a tendency to love the limelight and trifle with attention given, in the past DD has chased after boys” (to which I then told teacher I have spoken to DD and told her that it was not appropriate to be chasing after boys when they did not want to be chased. Also this issue was never flagged by the school nor have they ever spoken to me or DD about, it is an issue I picked up on myself and corrected.) DD has not chased boys since, I know this because I have checked with other mothers and they say it has since stopped from DD but is still continuing with other girls.
After speaking to DD she is quite clear about the timeline of events, she was playing with two of her friends, the boys come over, started making fun of girls trying to get them to chase them, girls didn’t, boy then got his willy out and grabbed my daughters dress when she went to tell a teacher and snagged it up on a branch for all to see her panties. Plenty of other children involved, all having been spoken to and dealt with but my DD was the only one to actually have been handled/have her dress pulled up.
Children play silly games and do stupid things, that isn’t the issue here, the issue I have is how badly the school has failed.
Teacher is very old fashioned.
Since spoken to the school and it has been furthered on to school safeguarding officer. Recap training on safeguarding etc is going to be given and investigation into how this was actually able to happen as the children should have been supervised (plenty of lunch time supervisors)
School will be doing session as a whole school on safe body autonomy and what is appropriate/age appropriate sex ed.
The teacher has since apologised for how she handled it and worded it and in hindsight it should have been dealt with differently.

don’t quote me on the above because it’s been such a whirlwind a bit hit and miss about details but school has agreed that something needs to be done

Can’t fault the school or teacher with how they have handled it since I have had a word with them. Just a bot disappointed that this happened in the first place and that it couldn’t have been dealt with correctly from the start rather than trying to ignore it/down play it.

Still feel like DD has been let down because what was said to her can never be taken back, am worried that in her mind it’ll be that she can’t play with or around boys otherwise if they do something to her it’s her fault.

Anyway this has played out for us now and we are now on our way to rectifying it. Thanks for all your comments and support.

OP posts:
petrolpump28 · 28/06/2018 21:30

Trifle with attention....sounds rather shakespearean

petrolpump28 · 28/06/2018 21:31

And 'panties' just sounds disturbing.

peoplearemean · 28/06/2018 21:41

Glad the school has responded well OP.

PuddlesOfBud · 28/06/2018 21:42

"Panties" is just the normal word for knickers for literally millions of English speakers in north America.

It's only "disturbing" if you watch loads of porn and have taken out of context. [shrugs]