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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Safeguarding School Fail!!!

134 replies

CluelesslyMomin · 26/06/2018 21:00

AIBU to be fuming at DD school?!
Another (older from what DD said he is 7/8) child showed DD (she is 6) his willy and pulled her school dress up and snagged the dress on a branch.
And then the school didn’t tell me until today when it happened yesterday?! They also then massively down played it, made excuses, and said that DD was prone to flirting with boys so it’s pretty much her fault...even though she feels embarrassed and humiliated by it...AND THEN the teacher turns around to DD and said that because she flirts and sometimes kiss chaces other boys she can’t always believe her, even though DD did the right thing in telling a teacher about it.
Completely separate to the issue I have told DD not to kiss chase boys and hasn’t done it since I explained that it wasn’t appropriate...that shouldn’t be even an issue in the above anyway.
Like WTAF?! AIBU in wanting heads to roll and getting my mumma bear claws out?! Before I storm in tomorrow morning guns blazing AIBU? Surely MASSIVE safeguarding has been disregarded here?!

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 26/06/2018 21:42
  1. A 6 year old hasn't a clue if they're flirting. They may be trying out smiling and playing with others, but they are not consciously flirting.
  2. Children do sometimes act in stupid ways, and it can just be stupidity. It can also be a huge indicator of a child who is being abused. That is nothing to do with the OP, but I would hope that the teacher has followed this up.
  3. No child, ever, should have to see someone else's willy/penis involuntarily (or even if they do want to). It doesn't matter what they have ever said or done, they do not have to see someone else's genitals. Nobody should ever be blamed for that.

Yep - follow this up, OP. These are all quite serious points that should not be happening in a school, where staff are given training on this (I'm a teacher btw).

PeakPants · 26/06/2018 21:47

Wow, all the excuses on here for this boy's behaviour and then people wonder why many grown men never grow out of showing unwilling women their penises and/or lifting their skirts up. The boy should be seriously told off- he is 7/8, not 3. If he wants to show his willy, how about he shows it to someone his own size, not a smaller girl. Unless he is reprimanded, he will get the message that it's okay to violate someone's boundaries because everyone will just blame that person and tell her she brought it on herself.

Smh, OP, I would give it to them with both barrels. It's unacceptably to talk about flirting in the context of a 6-year old and even if she is friendly with the boys, this does not excuse one of them showing her his genitals and violating her personal space.

Boredandtired · 26/06/2018 21:51

When my daughter was in reception they had different play areas set up in the classroom. There was a playhouse. Inside this play house there were 3 children, my daughter, another girl and a boy. He decided to try to play 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine' he got his willy out. Neither girl played back. I told the teacher after my daughter told me. They were pretty upset and changed the rules so only girls together in the play house or only boys. The boy had a chat and his parents were told but it was all very amicable. It was just one of those things.
I would also add my reception now child attends a school that has a very open door policy and parents regularly stay after drop off for half an hour. It's a time to read and be in their class and it's a great way to see how they are settling and friendships. There's one little girl who's mum is never there and she is so annoying. She's constantly trying to hug and kiss everyone. As the children free flow it's not witnessed everytime and she constantly tries to pick my toddler up and kiss her on the lips. I don't think it's anything weird, she's just a really friendly little girl, but I wonder if this is what your teacher meant by flirting. After 2 terms of it I wondered if her mum of dad came in whether they would be surprised or whether she wouldn't do it if they were there.

RebelRogue · 26/06/2018 21:53

Heads wouldn't roll because of what happened. I've been there...had a chat with the HT ,with the teacher,had a thread on here ranting like fuck while people told me to chill etc.

Heads wouldn't roll for not being informed about something right away either. I'm busy,they're busy,things can get manic and forgotten in the moment.

Heads would fucking roll if someone accused my DD of flirting,or victim blaming and openly admitting they did not believe her.

Anon12345ABC · 26/06/2018 21:59

Do some posters literally hang around MN to point out how normal inappropriate/bad behaviour is. This place is actually unbelievable at times. " You’d do better telling your child that’s if she plays kiss chase then skirts get lifted in retaliation." This is a particular gem.

YANBU. He should not have shown his privates, that is highly inappropriate. He should not have lifted up her skirt, highly inappropriate. The teachers 'victim' blaming is disgusting and I'd be fuming by her saying a 6 year old caused this by flirting. WTAF!

jacks11 · 26/06/2018 21:59

They also then massively down played it, made excuses, and said that DD was prone to flirting with boys so it’s pretty much her fault..AND THEN the teacher turns around to DD and said that because she flirts and sometimes kiss chaces other boys she can’t always believe her, even though DD did the right thing in telling a teacher about it.

I think this is your issue here and the thing to want answers about. If the teacher really said that to your DD it is of concern because it is the way children can learn not to be truthful with adults about situations which make them uncomfortable or upsetting. Children need to know that if they raise something like that which is upsetting, then they will be listened to and not blamed or ignored. THAT is what you should be focusing on. A teacher should certainly not be saying to a 6 year old that she is a flirt, that she can't be believed because she's a flirt and if a boy (or anyone else) does something which upsets her or makes her feel vulnerable/uncomfortable then it's her fault because she's a flirt. It's a terrible to message to send to a young child and I am very surprised that a teacher would do so. If it did happen as you say, I'd be pushing for that to be addressed.

PuddlesOfBud · 26/06/2018 22:04

I'd expect the school to have a discussion about inappropriate touching. I'd demand to speak to the head teacher and have it dealt with properly or be straight on the phone to Ofsted. I'd want an apology from the teacher and to know what procedures are in place for next time rather than victim blaming a 6 year old.

I'd be shocked but as illustrated by this thread people are fucking weird and will blame girls for anything.

TheBigFatMermaid · 26/06/2018 22:04

I have not read beyond them accusing a 6 year old child of flirting! That is disgusting and the kind of things paedophiles come out with!

They seriously said that? About a 6 year old? I would be reporting to Ofsted for that alone! They have no clue about age appropriate behaviour!

I know a friend of mine said it about my 10 year old when her 13 year old copped a feel of her bottom, but she was a mum being defensive about her son and also had a word with him about not doing anything like that again!

PuddlesOfBud · 26/06/2018 22:05

If it's just boys playing and boys will be boys etc, why does her "flirting" have anything to do with it? Are they implying he was so overcome with lust from the flirting? In which case it was sexual surely? Hmm

PuddlesOfBud · 26/06/2018 22:06

know a friend of mine said it about my 10 year old when her 13 year old copped a feel of her bottom, but she was a mum being defensive about her son and also had a word with him about not doing anything like that again!

I hope you don't see either of them anymore! Shock

Nothisispatrick · 26/06/2018 22:06

The incident itself it's not very nice but does happen and needs to be appropriately dealt with.

The flirting comment... I would genuinely worry about the people who were teaching my daughter. Absolutley disgusting

Oswin · 26/06/2018 22:08

Jesus fucking christ. The teacher who said this would never be near my child again.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 26/06/2018 22:13

Teacher needs training. Please don't go in ranting and shouting.That kind of behaviour from a parent is more worrying than willy showing. I would expe t a whole series of safeguarding actions to have been taken following this incident.

anditgoes · 26/06/2018 22:15

Fuck that.

I only have boys but if one of them did this and I wasn't told I'd be furious and need to know

If this was my son I would personally sit with him and get him to write a letter apologising, whilst explaining all of the reasons what he did was not appropriate and how that may make a girl feel. The school would need to inform me for any of this to happen though

petrolpump28 · 26/06/2018 22:18

how would that work with a 6 year old?

ShawshanksRedemption · 26/06/2018 22:18

I would first with regards to the kids find out if it was a game - the "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" kind that went wrong. I would want to know exactly what happened, how old the boy actually is (and how they know each other). You say your daughter no longer plays kiss chase, but you need to check that is actually the case, because if everyone else is playing it, is she just standing there watching? (And even then, Kiss Chase is not flirting, not at that age, it's just a game). So, in effect, what led to the incident? Who reported it - where they found doing this or did DD or another child report it? Who dealt with it at the time? Were there witnesses or was it just the two of them? What were the consequences?

If it's a game gone wrong then both boy and your DD need to be explained to that it's inappropriate and not to be repeated and a close eye kept on them.

If the boy was coercing your DD and she is the victim entirely and was not involved in a game gone wrong, then I would be very unhappy at how it's been handled so far with your daughter being labelled a flirt and encouraging the unwanted behaviour.

So hold off on the bear claws and get full facts first. And yes I would say it's a safeguarding issue so a full investigation can be carried out to ensure both kids are not at risk.

SoddingUnicorns · 26/06/2018 22:19

I’m very concerned that a 6 yo can be deemed to be flirting. It’s not possible, she’s 6 ffs.

School need to get a grip and deal with this. Properly.

NotTakenUsername · 26/06/2018 22:21

What age do people start flirting?

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/06/2018 22:21

Massive safeguarding fail. Without going into too much detail, I have been in this position except the offender was my then 6 yo son (he is autistic). Two girls confided in their parents thankfully and I was called in. It was a MASSIVE safeguarding issue. We worked very hard to introduce social stories about privacy and respectful behaviour. There was a whole school "pants" talk so that DS wasn't singled out. They handled it brilliantly but at the end of the day, they had to make sure my son wasn't being abused or witnessing things he shouldn't. It is just me and his adult sister, so I knew that it wasn't with us. I can't say the same for his father though, but that's a whole other story. OP, you need to have a meeting with school, this is not OK and even more so that you DD was accused of flirting. That is outrageous.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 26/06/2018 22:25

My DD plays with the boys and even told me one particular has kissed her many times, I’ve just shrugged it off but if he did something like that then I’d be furious. Schools al2ays down play it to try make themselves look less guilty.

shadesofwinter · 26/06/2018 22:27

You have no idea what's been done about the boy's behaviour; they may well be taking it very seriously as part of a bigger issue but you'd never know that.

I'd be escalating the "flirting" comments though.

admission · 26/06/2018 22:28

"They also then massively down played it, made excuses, and said that DD was prone to flirting with boys so it’s pretty much her fault..AND THEN the teacher turns around to DD and said that because she flirts and sometimes kiss chases other boys she can’t always believe her, even though DD did the right thing in telling a teacher about it."

I agree with Jacks11 that this is the issue that needs sorting out with the headteacher. I think I would make an appointment to see the head. Explain that you have concerns around the safeguarding aspects of the incident but that you will leave that with the school to sort out with the LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer) who this should have been reported to. However your real concerns are about the comments made by the teacher and the implication that the incident was your daughter's fault.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/06/2018 22:28

I'd be going fucking ballistic.

She's six and they are calling her flirt. Where did they get that gem from? Paedophiles 101?

Dont let it rest OP.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/06/2018 22:32

It's not even what the boy did, even though not appropriate.

Calling her a flirt. She's six. That is disgusting.

FierceDragonMother · 26/06/2018 22:35

Right...

  1. The teacher saying that DD flirts so she's asking for it is an absolutely vile and disgusting attitude. That is what I would be fuming about!

  2. What the boy did was inappropriate but he is a child and needs teaching about boundaries.

  3. Playing kiss chase at a young primary age is fairly innocent, I'd encourage other games but not tell her she's wrong - unless she's forcing kisses on other people.

  4. Definitely speak to the headteacher about what this teacher has said!

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