To want to marry a man even though I am gay

[strawberryplants]

I just want to be normal so much.

@TheDowagerCuntess wondering where you live? Because I've never experienced this, would see gay couples holding hands/being affectionate regularly and would feel comfortable holding hands (not a public snogger!!) with my gf. I assumed it was similar everywhere but from your account maybe not.

Excuse me, I am not fucking up anybodys life.

I just want to be normal. I want to have a relationship with someone who loves me. I want to be loved. I crave intimacy. I’ve never really had sex because I’m not really attracted to men but can’t meet a woman because it’s taken me years to admit this to myself and now I’m not sure where to start. Do you know how that feels

The only life that’s ruined is mine yet unsurprisingly many people have focused on the hypoethical straight man as the one worthy of pity and not the one who is so lonely she could weep.

Hi OP,

I get where you're coming from. When I first started to understand that I was gay, I considered just pretending not to be. I've always wanted to get married and have children and found it hard to accept that it may be more difficult than I had realised.

I am now in a very happy relationship and we have a DS. We are part of a large group of friends that are 2 mum families and no one at baby groups etc bats an eyelid when I tell them my son has 2 mums. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are normal, and you can get married and have children with someone you love, not someone you think you should love.

If you can find any gay community near you (pubs, activities, social events etc) it might help you accept your sexuality, and it also might offer you some insight into what it is like actually living as an out gay person, with a same sex partner and possibly children. The people that I know that love being gay (including me) are often the ones who feel the full support of their community behind them.

I’m gay, and agree some posters have gone off the deep end here with their hypothetical theories. Sexual Intimacy is a really important part of a relationship and without it I don’t think someone can truly be happy in one. I have a wife, and kids that we planned and had together. I met her unexpectedly through work. You don’t know what’s around the corner, none of us do. I’m normal, because being gay is normsl for lots of people. It’s not always easy living an openly gay life despite what some posters here think, we live is a very, very gay friendly city and STILL have to deal with homophobia frequently- albeit mostly when we go to other towns. But it wouldn’t stop me from trying to be true to myself, because I learnt the hard way that yearning to be ‘normal’ led to years of loneliness until I accepted who I was. I was mid 20s before I came out and haven’t looked back, haven’t regretted one single day since.

X post with you OP. I agree some posters have completely misunderstood your post. This isn't about someone wanting to ruin a hypothetical strangers life, it's about someone struggling with their own.

If you're willing to share your rough location OP, maybe there are some posters who cam point you in the direction of local events / groups where you could meet someone.

I'm sorry to hear you're so desperately lonely

OP - when you post on somewhere like AIBU you will get people going after you. I’d ignore the one’s getting angry because you deceived and destroyed the life of a fictional bloke. They have no clue what it’s like to be so afraid or ashamed of who you are, or to have so much family pressure put in you that you try to lead a straight life.

I think AIBU might not have been the best place for this post. You get a lot of unnecessarily brutal people here. Also obvs there will be people projecting the (appalling) way they've been treated onto you.
People who say "it's about the person, not their equipment" are ridiculous. If you don't care about the equipment, you're bi. Do you have so little empathy that you don't get that not everyone is like you?
People who say "you are normal" are wilfully misunderstanding the post.
I totally get it. It's harder than being straight. Especially if it's taken time to come out to yourself, and you're already feeling left behind. I really feel for you. In my experience, marriage and kids are hard and I don't think I could do it without real love to base it on. But nobody can really advise you, except not to lie. I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. It's ok to grieve the loss of the life you thought you'd have, even if it was purely imaginary.

OP, i didnt realise he was a hypothetical man! I thought he was an actual fiancé!

I am straight and spent my 20s and now 40s lonely. 20s was worse tho. It is very hard craving intimacy.

People have sympathy with the hypothetical straight man because they have seen what your suggesting ruin real lives. I’m sorry you’re lonely but that is something you need to Work on yourself. Your original post basically says you are considering doing this by getting married to a man who at some point would pressumably be real! With real feelings. What people are saying is this is very self centred and would undoubtably lead to that man (and possibly kids) feeling a lot worse than you do. A man isn’t there to be used to satisfy what you want. Most gay people I know are in happy same sex relationships. There’s no reason you can’t be. But you need to ditch the woe is me attitude )most people have been lonely). Think about others. I don’t think your loneliness has anything to do with your sexuality, I think you’re struggling to come to terms with it but at the same time using it as an excuse! Get counselling, be happy in yourself. Then you will most likely find a partner. But please please don’t get married to a man. It does wreck lives I’ve seen that in the real world.

Sorry bear but that’s rubbish.

I live in Surrey

OP I may have missed something here but is it being gay that's the problem or the loneliness? Is the perception that being straight would make it easier to find someone the issue rather than hating your sexuality?

Loneliness is awful, I have no suggestions for you but can tell you that an unhappy relationship can be a hell of a lot lonelier than being alone

So strawberry would you actually marry a man who did not know you were hay from the very first date?

Gay not hay

Sad to hear you’re feeling so lonely- hope things get better for you as time goes on. I don’t think any of these replies have been brutal; just focusing on different aspects of the situation and feelings you’ve presented. Of course you shouldn’t deceive a potential partner into thinking you’re straight, but as you say, you haven’t done that, and perhaps there’s a man out there who can give you children and will completely understand and accept the situation. Otherwise, hope some of the input from posters in same sex relationships gives you some hope / strength.

Go on some dates OP. I hate the thought of you being lonely.

I think it's bollocks to say that it's not fair on a man to marry him. Presumably he'd only marry you if he was satisfied with his end of the bargain. But don't do it if you think it's the best you can do. Get out there and meet people. They aren't going to find you if you're not there to find

strawberryplants

Feeling lonely is so, so hard - but trust me, being lonely in a relationship is worse than being lonely on your own.

I do get what your are saying, I do, and I won't pretend that I understand what it's like to be gay. Because I don't.

But I know about loving yourself, truly embracing who and what and how you are. You may not like everything about yourself (none of us do), but a loving acceptance of who you are as a person, sexuality and all, will likely help you crave what you perceive as 'normal' much less.

I am as 'normal' as it gets, white, middle class, heterosexual, married, children, a dog and guineapigs - my H left me last year for another woman. What is tearing me apart is not the end of our relationship (which is sad and upsetting, but I accept that relationship can run their course, and why would my life be any different from so many others'?) but the lies and deceit and lack of consideration for me and our family as a whole and the self-absorption that my H has shown. I think so much less of him now, I have lost respect for him and that is devastating because it taints our past together: 20 years of considerable ups and downs in life now mean less because he did not have the guts to be honest. Had he said several years ago "I am unhappy and want to leave you" I would have been heartbroken but not as damaged as I feel I am now.

Please be honest. To yourself, to any potential partner in the future, Be who you are - that might not be easy, but easier than living some kind of twisted 'normal' that in reality does not really exist.

I do think a good counsellor could help you explore a way forward that does not involve a pretence that is potentially very hurtful and damaging to you and your theoretical man.

One of the most loving, stable families I know is that of two gay women friends with their two daughters - biologically each is mother to one. Please don't assume that that is impossible for you.

I think you must be bisexual to even consider this. Not a lesbian.

OP . My first serious relationship was with a good friend who turned out to be gay. He tried very hard to be "normal" but ultimately he was unhappy. We're still close friends and he is himself.

Please consider reaching out to someone, depending on where you are there are charities like the LGBT foundation that have helplines.

Try OLD and set your parameters accordingly. See what's out there. You can spend more time dwelling and bemoaning your lot or you can actively seek to change it. It all starts with you.

GreenItWas it is never appropriate to tell someone that you know their sexuality better than they do.

I empathise OP. It is much easier to be gay now than it has been in the past but it is still from the societal norm and carries its own difficulties. However if you meet a loving same sex partner who you can build a life with those difficulties will be easier to overcome. A happy home life is a great support.

The problem with your idea of marrying a man is that it won’t change you or make you ‘normal’. You would be living a lie, pretending to be something you are not and wouldn’t actually be any happier than you are now. You would just be unhappy in a straight marriage. It also means that if you meet a woman you could be happy with, you would have to break up your marriage to be with her.

It is entirely normal to despair of meeting he right person to start a family with whether you are gay or straight. You’ll find plenty of threads on here started by straight women who feel just the same.

I felt just as hopeless about 7 years ago. I’m now married to an amazing woman and we have a beautiful toddler running around the house.

What worked for me was really committing to trying to meet someone. I joined several dating sites and made an effort to go out to gay bars regularly. I didn’t get into long conversations online, i tried to go straight to meeting people if I thought they sounded interesting. Just getting out there on a few dates really boosted my confidence. And then after a little while I was lucky enough to meet my wife.

I think when you are gay it’s normal to lack confidence in seeking a relationship. Unless you were the sort of teenager who came out young somehwere with lots of Lgbt youth groups you’re not going to have had the practice of having crushes and dating that straight teenagers get during their school days. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make up for lost time now. Remember you are far from the only one to be a late starter in having a same sex relationship. It’s entirely normal for woman to come out later in life.

Trills I didn't. I said 'I think'. That is my opinion. I stand by it. I think the OP would do well to consider that she is not firmly a lesbian but bisexual. This might help her enormously moving forward. It's easy to label ourselves and others. A relative has spent 40 years assuming she is straight and made herself ill in doing so. One encounter and she realised she is gay and it's like a light has come on in her personality. She had assumed she was straight and the world was awkward for her. She is in a gay relationship and it all now makes sense.

Nah you can definitely be interested in an alternative life without being bisexual. I've considered trying to be with a woman after many failed attempts with men, even went to "gay night" at a club - didn't work, I was only interested in the men there. I am not gay and don't find women sexually attractive, I just wished that I could.

This feeling was only due to not wanting another failed relationship rather than focusing on the cause for my desperation for a partner and I imagine this is what the OP is struggling with