To want to marry a man even though I am gay

[strawberryplants]

I just want to be normal so much.

I don’t think mn should pull this thread. Mathanxiety is just reacting to your provocative thread title imo.
It would bean unkind thing to do to a hypothetical person and hopefully you know that.
Friends and family not knowing you are gay is the bigger problem, that would be very difficult for anyone.

Agree with Stoveding

Strawberry, please don't pull or leave this thread. It can be a very lonely place trying to come to accept yourself but honestly it is worth the effort.

I was married to a man whom I had children with, I always knew I was attracted to women but though I could 'marry the gay away', personally that was not possible. We are divorced, I am now married to an amazing woman and see ex husband two of three times a week in relation to the children. Yes there has been hurt and I have been the cause of that hurt, I can't change that and I am not justifying it but without our marriage our children would not be here and our blended family would not exist. I am not advocating my actions and certainly not entering into a long drawn out analysis as to what a dreadful person I am for the hurt I caused, I can't change that so it is futile. I would not have married ex husband if I was making those decisions today however the society that I live in is far more accepting now than years ago and so you can find your partner or wife and be happy.

I agree with the many posts saying dip your toe in the water, find your local Pride and volunteer as a Marshall or join a sports club, I love a cliche but it is a great way to meet people and 1 of them might be your person. Best of luck.

You can be honest about your feelings - that is the beauty of an anonymous forum.

And math has every right to be honest about her feelings; you do need to bear that.

Every post of yours screams of your deep unhappiness and despair, and I am so sorry.
Please seek some help in RL with how you feel about yourself

You are your.
Uniquely you - you need to find a way to celebrate your strengths, to accept (and then work) on your weaknesses and to come to terms with your sexuality - whatever that might turn out to be.

I agree with PP re putting yourself out there, but also considering going the childbearing route alone if having a child is very important to you (fwiw I had my first at 37 and my 4th aged 44).

Don't have the thread pulled - I think you got a lot of valid opinions and sensible advice. Somebody else's truth may be hard to bear for you, but it does not make it less true.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be honest again.

I will bury my feelings like I always have and carry on.

OP, YWBVVVU to let a few posts on an anonymous forum dictate how you live your life from now on.

At 37, you shouldn't place so much weight in what other people think. I know you can't change the past, but if you'd put yourself out there more before now, you'd realise that most people are idiots and their opinions don't matter. Don't wait another 37 years to find that out - come up to London Pride next weekend and stop being so scared of yourself.

OP if you bury your feelings nothing will change in your life. If you want the life you dream of you have to go after it. You don't need to come out yet if you aren't ready but you need to do something. Ring an LGBT helpline, go to pride, go to counselling. I know many people who came out when they were older than you and all of them have had relationships.

Even though this is an anonymous forum I'm guessing it took courage to post this here. Don't be discouraged by some negative posts here. Believe in yourself and build on that courage and reach out to the LGBT community.

Some downright nasty posts on this thread.

Hope you're okay OP

This thread is not about mathaxiety, Bearhunter09 or anyone else for that matter. This thread was supposed to be about the OP and her feelings and how she can learn to accept herself for how she is.

Of course it is horrible that there are people on here who have been hurt by ex's who were hiding this secret for all the time they were together and it must have been so painful to realise they couldn't have been attracted to them all this time. But this is not about them.

The OP has made it clear that she is not going to marry a man. She is not in a relationship and it is clear she was talking hypothetically and trying to get her thoughts and feelings in order. It is completely out of line for a few posters to then jump on her about their hurt feelings and what they have been through when this thread is NOT about them.

It's also very hypocritical of mathanxiety and Bearhunter09 to constantly go on about how their feelings were ignored at the time and how all the attention was on their ex's whilst at the same time dismissing and belittling the OP and trying to make this thread all about them. Irony overload.

Perhaps mathanxiety needs to take her own advice when she says that other people matter because damn right they do matter! The OP matters for a start and this is not about them or their ex's because other people exist and matter too.

If mathanxiety and Bearhunter09 still have issues about their ex's then they need to seek counselling and RL help. It is completely unacceptable of them to piss all over the OP, accuse her of wanting to do things she never claimed she was really going to do and try to twist this thread around to make it all about them.

This thread is not about me. It's about the OP. Just keep repeating that line until it sinks in.

Gay is normal ! Follow your heart. It would be dishonest to a man

OP, so sorry mathanxiety upset you so much. If it helps any, I know for a fact you are not the first person she has upset. Honestly if MN were to ever introduce an ignore user function then she'd be the first one I'd put on there.

Chin up OP .

If mathanxiety and Bearhunter09 still have issues about their ex's then they need to seek counselling and RL help. It is completely unacceptable of them to piss all over the OP, accuse her of wanting to do things she never claimed she was really going to do and try to twist this thread around to make it all about them.

Sorry if I am confused but wasn't OP thread about wanting to "marry a man even though I'm gay"?
So...marrying a man (presumably a heterosexual one) was her prospective solution to the fact that she wants a "normal"life and children?
Am I right so far?
In which case, a couple of posters have weighed in with heir actual lived experience of what that actually means (and said please don't do that).
A load of other people gave encouragement to the OP and shared their own experiences of coming out.
What do you think would have been preferable? People being honest, or everybody going "oh ur so brave hun, whatever makes you feel better"?
Sorry, but the question was of a similar type to of "shall I shag this man to get pregnant on purpose without him knowing? " to which the answer is always a resounding YANBU!
If I were the OP I would be grateful for the reality check, and grateful for the fact that there are hundreds of other lesbians on hand to kindly support her coming out and being happy.
Just because we don't always get the answer we want , doesn't mean it's not valuable.

Sorry if I am confused but wasn't OP thread about wanting to "marry a man even though I'm gay"?

Except that the OP has no intention of marrying a man despite what her thread title says. She has never even been in a relationship. The OP has made this clear several times throughout the thread yet it hasn't stopped those two posters laying into her and accusing her of wanting to do all kinds of things.

The OP is upset and those posters went way too far (they never should have begun in the first place IMO). They had every opportunity to back the hell off but they didn't. They just had to keep making it all about them which was just selfish IMO.

When it's clear someone is upset and they don't want you to continue because it's distressing them even more then the only right thing to do is to back off. These posters didn't. They just kept pushing for more. That is not okay.

Op is upset about what exactly?? Nobody accused her of anything! SHE suggested the idea and a couple of people went "No. And this is why."
She got what she came for Imo.

It doesn't matter what the OP is upset about. The fact is is that she is upset and has told those posters several times that she has no intention of marrying a man. Those posters ignored her and continued to harass her despite her attempts to get them to stop. Way out of line.

And the OP was clearly hurting from the start of the thread. Let her talk and let her have her rants on her thread. Don't be a dick and make it all about you and your needs when the OP has asked you to stop.

This is not the first time mathanxiety has crossed the line by a long shot and caused people distress.

OP, I feel like I have to respond to your thread because it saddens me to see how self-loathing you seem to be regarding your own sexuality instead of realizing that being gay isn't that different from being straight and that you can still get married and have the family that you want despite being gay but you can't have that until you accept and embrace your sexuality.

It is very normal for anyone who is queer to wish they weren't, and imagine the life they would have if they were straight and wish they could erase their sexuality to fit in with the rest, I sure went through it and I know most LGBT people I know (many!) have gone through it too, that doesn't make you a monster like some have seemed to imply in that thread and that's actually a pretty normal phase to go through.

Truth is, I have been with men (I identify as bisexual but have a very strong preference for women) and they never really fulfilled me but I sticked to it because I wanted to be "normal" until I realized that liking women didn't make me anormal, that it didn't have to be bad and the only one making it hard for myself was me. Embracing my sexuality has, by far, been the best thing I have done, I feel SO much happier and fulfilled now that I have embraced that side of myself and while I see why focusing on the negatives of being gay is easy, the fact is, YOU ARE GAY AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT so you can either chose to be miserable about it or try and focus on the positives and make the best of it.

Go out, find out where the queer events are, join some meet up groups (you will be surprised by how many 30+ queer ladies attend evens and meet up groups), join dating apps and try out the scene.

Most women also like to take their time to really get to know someone as I find they value chemistry and mental connection over physical attraction, so you will probably find that your need to slowly get to know someone is actually easily met when dating other women
(seriously, while U-hauling is a thing, not knowing if you have been friendzoned because you have been on 10 very long and entertaining date with someone with not as much of a kiss is also very much a thing! haha). You will also find that talking about serious topics on date 1, such as marriage and pregnancy is also very much a thing when dating women. Mostly because we don't freak out at the prospect like men do. Most women I have been on dates with (even though femmes) wouldn't want to carry a child at all (which suits me) so it might not be a problem, but even if it is, like every couple does when it comes to having children, you discuss things and come to a compromise (one could carry the first child and the other the second).

In other words, there is a solution to each problem, and none of the issues you have raised is a good enough reason not to embrace your sexuality and get out there to see if, "living as a lesbian" is indeed, the worst thing on earth (disclaimer: it really is not!)

I will PM you the name of a very good anonymous LGBT forum where you will find many people of all ages with similar concerns as yours and at different point of their journey (and yes some did actually marry a man!).

Don't let the comment on here bring you down, but please do a service to yourself and try and accept who you are. Anything else is wasting time really.

Good luck OP, and hope to see other threads of you in the future telling us you are in a much better spot in life and with the wife and kids you have always dreamed of! :)

Plants well said!

Op I’m so sorry you are in such a complete state! I really would seek help to clarify your thoughts. I think being gay I’d only a small part of your confusion. You seem very angry with your lot! Everyone has shit to deal with straight or gay. You’ll never sort it out if you continue to hold such resentment about your life. It’s a cliche but you need to love yourself before anyone else can. But please don’t marry a man to try and achieve some fabled ideal. Despite what plant says I can’t see anywhere you have said you wouldnt. I’m also confused by the hatred being sent maths, bears and other posters way. You ask a question and people come back and say know because this is my experience...., surely that’s what you wanted when you posted the question? If someone had said it’s a great idea this is the relationship DH and I have very japily married with 3 kids would you have dismissed them? Please seek professional help

Ffs.

PlantsArePeopleToo Sat 30-Jun-18 18:55:59
This thread is not about mathaxiety, Bearhunter09 or anyone else for that matter. This thread was supposed to be about the OP and her feelings and how she can learn to accept herself for how she is

Weirdly, I read the question - AIBU To want to marry a man even though I am gay? as meaning, "Am I being unreasonable to want to marry a man even though I am gay?"

That is - to marry a man, despite being gay.

Followed down the thread by: I don’t really care about getting married, but I want a partner. I want love, sex, intimacy and companionship, and I want children and a family.
...with no clarification that the idea of marrying a man was not a serious thought, no clarification that actually, a woman would be ideal if love, sex, intimacy and children would be possible with a woman, and she didn't really mean 'marry a man' when she pondered the possibility of marrying a man.

When asked by Allegorical:
It’s not really fair on the man though Is it?
Don’t they deserve someone that genuinely loves them and isn’t lying to them.
It would be a very Selfish thing to do.
...her response was:
I think you can love someone still

Not - "I didn't mean my question literally."

Plus there were repeated dismissals of suggestions on how to find a possible wife or partner.

Kind people suggested to her that the problem she has is self loathing and that she might feel better if she were to find counselling and try to embrace herself as she is (i.e. completely 'normal') and she ignored them.

If it speeds up the process of understanding that what she is going through is normal (the 'what ifs') and that there really are no alternatives to self-acceptance then maybe Bearhunter and I have done her a favour, as have those who have suggested self-acceptance, and therapy.

Your insistence that her question was rhetorical had nothing to back it up, up to the point where she finally said, It’s not helpful, no, because I was never going to, in part because I’m 37 and have never had a relationship anyway..
This was several pages in, after repeated chances to clarify.

And yes - as Mummyschnauzer said, if I had told in great detail how I was deliriously happy with my gay husband, and our completely untroubled children, and it made no difference to him or to me or to them, I would bet my bottom dollar you would have been happy to let my contribution go.

"Am I being unreasonable to want to marry a man even though I am gay?"
That is - to marry a man, despite being gay.

In removing the word "want" the meaning changes from:
"is it unreasonable to want this thing and feel this way"
to
"is it unreasonable to do this thing"

Yes, it's unreasonable to do the thing. Nobody is disputing that. Nobody is actually suggesting it either.

It was clear to most of us from the beginning that the discussion was about whether the feelings are unreasonable, not the (hypothetical) action.

Passes to Strawberry. I think Linning's post is excellent and and absolutely agree.

Like you, I'm a slow burner. I don't begin to fall for someone until I have known them for a while. It does make it harder, but I'd rather take my time and find my 'someone' than rush end up settling for 'anyone'. If that causes people to label me picky or abnormal, I'm fine with that, because it says a lot more about them than me.

OP you had pages and pages of support you’ve chosen to ignore, you’ve completely changed your story once the responses weren’t to your liking and now you’re playing the misunderstood victim, because other posters are flinging back your own words.

You should get off the internet and talk to a professional.

In removing the word "want" the meaning changes from:
"is it unreasonable to want this thing and feel this way"
to
"is it unreasonable to do this thing"
Trills

In removing the word 'want' you also enter into the territory known as disregarding what the OP actually said and making stuff up instead.