To want to marry a man even though I am gay

[strawberryplants]

I just want to be normal so much.

But obviously I"m not recommending you go ahead and get married to a man OP!

I'm just saying there is a majority 'normal' group and people aren't always as inclusive as they'd lead you to believe when you read their virtue signalling on facebook etc.

bilberryboggin I get where you're coming from, I've been spat at, ostracized, called every name under the sun BUT I am still normal. Even if utter losers disagree.

Yes I totally agree nobody’s

Try a different online site? Try outside your local area?

It is weird, but all dating is weird in one way or another!

Im bisexual, but erring on the side of more gay.
I married a man, it's ok.
I married him because my family wouldn't support a gay relationship.

How old are you Strawberry?

I’m an old woman now with a gorgeous wife and kids. But I remember how hard those early years were, how confusing.

Life would no doubt be simpler if you were straight. But it won’t be simpler to be a gay woman married to a man. I’m sorry this is hard for you.

Marrying a man even though you are gay so as to fulfill your dream of a family would be monumentally selfish.

Speaking as the exW of a gay man here...

You can't use someone like that.

Other people were not put on Earth to play a bit role in your drama.

My mum always thought she;d never be a nan as sister is gay and i don;t want kids. But she is, as sister adopted (and married) with her partner.

you could marry a gay man who also wants what you want and to hide what they are. Course there could be issues with either falling for someone else and wanting to divorce.

depending where you live there must be some LBGT (and others) groups or clubs so easy way to meet someone. may have to travel to a bigger town if you are rural (but then meeting a single appropriate man in a small rural town would be tricky too)

I know someone who married a man, had 3 DC in 4 years, left and is now happy with a female partner. She has admitted she always knew, but couldn't face not having kids/worrying about it and her DH was a very nice man.

I think it's quite common, sadly.

I hope you get all you want in life OP.

I'm gay, single and have a ds with a gay man. We are considered normal and nobody really bats an eye at us. Even in the church I belong to. Things seem very raw to you just now, have you just come out? Or been through a difficult time? Having kids maybe slightly more tricky as a lesbian but not much. There will be opportunities. Don't despair!

I understand where you're coming from OP. It's easy for people to be blasé and say that being gay is totally normal and ask what you're worried about. And while the truth is that being gay absolutely is normal and you should never feel that you are less safe, valued and appreciated than a straight person, the reality isn't always that simple. Bigotry exists everywhere and is a frightening and depressing grind to have to live with.

So no, you aren't abnormal for thinking that being straight and married to a man would be easier, less judged, less hassle. It shouldn't be the case, but I see why you feel that way

The truth is of course it would make you miserable and be unfair to whichever bloke you married. And you of course know that! And I hope that one day no gay person ever has to feel this way, because we've finally rid the world of bigotry and intolerance.

It is routine to be told I can't be her mother if I didn't adopt her, or that they can't share medical details with someone who isn't a family member.

That's disgusting. Neither of my children are gay but whenever the issue has come up they've always known that I'd be totally accepting of them if they were as, for me, being gay is really not an issue. It's very sad to find that there is so much discrimination out there.

I met dw on okcupid.

I understand what you mean about kids. It's all fair and well suggesting ivf but money doesn't grow on trees.

OP, I know how you feel. I really, really do. I didn't date at all until my late twenties. I'm now in a relationship with a woman and trying for a baby.

A few years ago that would seem impossible to me. It started with little steps - leaving a toxic church environment that only ever made me feel "less than" and joining an accepting church, joining an LGBT book group where my sexuality wasn't an issue so I could start to feel comfortable in my own skin. It took a while before I felt ready to start dating.

Being gay IS harder than being straight. I won't sugar coat that. But my experience is that being out has made me much happier, even without a partner. Could you figure out what's holding you back? Is it something that could be changed?

I’m queer as fuck. The woman I’m dating is is younger than me and feels like you do I think. There’s such an irressistable instinct to find a partner, companion, settle down, have children. It comes from within and from outside, in the form of normative pressure. But I know loads of people in their twenties and thirties who haven’t met The One yet and feel lonely and frustrated and feel they’ll never find their babypartner. I honestly think this is what you’re going through and being gay or straight isn’t really the story. I would recommend all the things that everyone does when they’re looking for a partner - make friends, get out, follow interests, experiment with OLD. There are some brilliant gay choirs and all the adult ed activities I’ve ever done contain a higher proportion of gay people - art classes, language classes etc.

Op, I lived with my ex partner for 14 years and we have two kids. I progressively became less and less mentally and physically well and more and more suicidal. Then I told him and came out and we broke up. I never intentionally met him and had kids to ‘pass’ as straight but I couldn’t admit to myself or anyone that I’m gay. Then I did.
I feel happy for the first time ever, I have a new partner and we are getting married. I regret what I have done to my ex, I didn’t set out to hurt him, I can’t deny that I have though. When I was able to accept myself so many things in my life improved.
So whilst it’s tempting to want to be ‘normal’ you will hurt yourself and the man you choose. I wish I could make my ex feel better but I can’t and I feel very cruel for that.

Meeting people is a struggle for many. At a recent meetup I was at, we spent quite a while discussing how many LGB spaces, particularly for women, seemed to have died off and many keep struggling. Online dating sites can help some but many don't find them useful and with things like the recent tinder murder which led to many to come forward about horrible bait-and-switch situations, I've found more and more I know are avoiding them.

Meetup and facebook groups can be very helpful as are women's discos and some LGBTQ+ centres have women's groups and some women's centres have LGB groups.

I hope you find what you're dreaming of and that some of the others stories help you feel a bit better while you're getting there.

I'm autistic and sometimes wish I was 'normal'. It's easier for people who are the same as most people.
You need to accept who you are. There's nothing wrong with being gay. You can still get married. A marriage is hard enough at times, that love and attraction are really the only things that keep it together. You need to be with someone you love and find sexually attractive. I can't imagine how upsetting it would be having straight sex when you're gay. Penises are ugly enough to begin with.
Have courage!

I feel for you OP but please don't marry a man if that isn't what you want. It's not fair on either of you and you would be living a lie.

My mum works with a lady who is get but who married a man and had two children. She stuck it out until the kids were in their terms and then left her husband for a woman. Although she is happy with her partner the whole situation is a mess - San left devasted and confused and two kids left equally confused.

Maybe try different online sites?

Please don’t marry someone of the opposite sex as that’s really unfair to them.
But get married to someone that you love - it doesn’t matter what sex they are!! Good luck x

I feel for you OP I have been there, now I have a fab wife and 2 beautiful kids. It hasn't always been easy, and sometimes I think it would have been easier to have married a man, but I wouldn't be happy. My boys and wife are my world even though I am sleep deprived cause my baby is teething- I wouldn't change anything.

You are normal, OP.

Sorry you’re having a hard time.

To marry a man and have kids with him would be unbelievably selfish. You would destroy his life. Embrace who you are do not use other people to make yourself feel better. Unfortunately I’ve known this to happen to several people. The gay partner has invariably gone on to have a great same arc relationship. The used partner has been left devastated (usually with everyone cheering on the gay partner saying how great it is they’ve come out and finally happy). Meanwhile the straight partners life has come crashing down, left financially vulnerable missing out on half their kids lives! If that’s what makes you feel normal I would seriously reassess your values.

@strawberryplants I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. I've just watched the most incredible show on Netflix that I think you would find really powerful - its Hannah Gadsby's special "Nanette". You are worthy of love, you are important. Don't settle for anything less. xx

Sexuality is often more complex than ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ labels might suggest. I agree with past posters who say who you may marry is more important than what sex they might be. Don’t be afraid of love, even when it comes in unexpected forms. But being you is normal. This is your one and only life—don’t waste it on trying to live in the imagination of other people.