To want to marry a man even though I am gay

[strawberryplants]

I just want to be normal so much.

Aw strawberryplants, in my lifetime anyhow, there has never been a 'better' time to be gay! A close friend of mine came out as gay last week (he's 40!) and he said he's so happy his life can finally begin...you could marry a woman, you could marry a man, you could do whatever you want and whatever you think will make you happy...

Speaking as somebody who was unknowingly married to a gay man, don't do it. It's very unreasonable, hurtful and deceitful

As for normal, nobody is really normal but being gay is an acceptable variation; lying about who you are so somebody will marry you is not.

I get where you're coming from too, OP.

I think some posters on this thread might not realise how hurtful it is to respond in the ways they're responding. Asking the OP where she is that being gay isn't seen as normal?! Really? Goodness, virtually anywhere.

I'm gay and was married to a man. I don't recommend it. I didn't go into it thinking 'hmm, I'm definitely gay but marrying a man,' I went into it just deluding myself and with my head in the sand - so I would imagine it would be even harder for you. And it won't be nice for your partner, and assuming this is someone you love and care for, you don't want that.

Obviously, being gay isn't seen as normal anywhere (it really isn't), and you will stand out. Inevitably. But it can still be lovely and fun. Honest.

I'm not a lesbian, so answering from that POV. Lots of people I know are gay, there are probably even more that I don't know are gay.
They are living very normal lives, married, not married, living with partners, working, owning dogs, going out for meals, etc.
Can you try and meet more people? Having a supportive community around you - either in life, or even online, might make this feel less hard for you.

Thanks lrd.

It’s so hard. I want kids. I want a family.

You shouldn't marry a straight man if you are gay OP. Eventually your real desires and feelings will be way stronger than your desire right now to comply to a socially perceived norm of heterosexual marriage; that will both waste your and your DH's time and cause hearthache. If it's kids you want, there are other ways.

I totally hear you OP. I hope it gives you comfort to share my experience. I felt like you when I first realised I was gay, I would have given anything to be straight and fit in and not be robbed of a normal life (that's how I felt). But then I fell in love with my best friend. 15 years later and we are married and have beautiful twins and I am so proud of who I am and if I could choose to be gay or straight I would still choose to be gay and to be part of this community. I don't know what changed. I suppose I just changed. On an aside I HATE it when people (nearly always straight people) say things like, it's totally fine to be gay in 2018, where do you live that it's not normal to be gay? Etc etc etc. Gay people in the UK in 2018 are still be MURDERED for being gay. They are committing suicide, they are self harming and being harmed for being gay. Even in some of the most gay friendly areas gay people are not accepted by everyone. My best friend, in Brighton, last summer was spat on walking through Brighton town centre holding her partner's hand. A young gay man was viciously assaulted in Brighton for kissing her partner in public. To straight people saying things like its fine to be gay now, please don't. Yes, there is far more tolerance, homosexuality has been decriminalised but all over the country gay people still face discrimation and challenges. I have rambled. Anyway, I guess what I wanted to say was that you feel like this now, it doesn't mean you will always feel like this. You can have a happy and fulfilled and wonderful life as a gay woman. Take care of yourself x

Lovely, you can have kids!

My 15 month old daughter is trying to murder an IKEA chair two foot away from me as I speak.

I definitely didn't get together with my partner because she had functioning ovaries, but it is an irony of my life that I probably couldn't have kids in a heterosexual relationship, yet it was piss easy to get my DP knocked up.

Honestly, you can do these things.

All the gay people I know (several couples) have children. They wanted it, they planned it, it happened. At no point did they enter into a false heterosexual marriage. They are happy.

And yes, as PP says, we did IVF, worked first time and my 3 year old twins are chattering away upstairs as I type!

Asking the OP where she is that being gay isn't seen as normal?! Really? Goodness, virtually anywhere.

That's really, really depressing.

I haven't decided whether I'm gay or straight yet. I just happened to have married 2 people that were male. To me it's about them not their equipment.

This

Most of the gay women I know I've met through schools or clubs, where their kids are attending with mine.

No matter what you're feeling now, marrying a man isn't going to make those feelings go away. You'll just be married in an unhappy relationship, you need to find someone that you love and want to be with. It's also not fair on the man.

I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time.

You can still have kids. I had ivf. I’m straight and it was my dh’s sperm. Equally I could have had donor sperm.

Is there any other reason than kids/family?

I was 'straight' for 15 years.

It was so hard. I got kids and a best friend but not what I needed.

Now I'm out and with a woman and it's only now I feel 'normal'

This may be a really stupid question but do you enjoy the sex with him?

I'm not gay and I"ve only ever slept with men, so it varies, sometimes it's a bit dull but I'm wondering if it feels weird for you every. single. time. you. have. sex

That would be intolerable surely.

And SO unfair to him!!

Yes, you can have kids. But it’s hard. It’s not just meeting someone. It’s finding someone form a much smaller pool of available people. I can’t meet a woman.

It’s not really fair on the man though
Is it? Don’t they deserve someone that genuinely loves them and isn’t lying to them. It would be a very
Selfish thing to do.

I think you can love someone still

brizzle, yes, but it's true!

I think people assume that, if they don't notice homophobic behaviour, it's just not happening. And of course it is.

A fairly small minority of homophobia I've experienced has been your stereotypical stuff - people yelling at us or threatening us or whatever. But, totally well-meaning people do really awful things all the time. Today I was in A&E with my daughter, and the experience stood out, because it's one of the very few medical appointments I've had since she was born, when my sexual orientation wasn't an issue. It was a constant issue throughout my DP's pregnancy, during her labour, in recovery, with the health visitor - everything! It is just routine to have people say 'who's her mummy' or 'oh, you don't look like a lesbian!'. It is routine to be told I can't be her mother if I didn't adopt her, or that they can't share medical details with someone who isn't a family member.

I really notice the stark difference between friends who are straight and friends who are not. The first group are always really sympathetic when I mention minor discrimination, but also really shocked, because they believe it's unusual. The second group just know it's normal.

It doesn't mean the OP should marry a man, of course not. But it isn't helpful to belittle her experiences of discrimination either.

ps, I also get wanting to be normal. I"m a single parent and I"m not included in the default gang of couples. People I've got to know through my DC, I'm very peripheral. Not having a husband seems to lower your 'stock' (socially) Not sure why but it does.

People can deny this is the case til the cows come home but I know more invitations were extended to 'us' when I was one half of a couple, and therefore, no threat to anybody and NORMAL.

Why can't you meet a woman?

It's not really a smaller pool, if you think about it - sure, there are fewer people you're looking at, but also fewer people looking at them!

young gay man was viciously assaulted in Brighton for kissing her partner in public. To straight people saying things like its fine to be gay now, please don't. Yes, there is far more tolerance, homosexuality has been decriminalised but all over the country gay people still face discrimation and challenges

And sadly this is what's going through my mind just now as my 16 year old son has just told us he is gay.

I don’t know. I have tried online but it’s just all a bit weird. Mostly very young (late teens)