To have encouraged the woman I care for to cause some trouble?

[SlashsSnake]

Basically I am employed by a family to be a friend to their daughter who has additional needs.

The daughter wanted to lose weight and told me she'd like to join slimming world. I went along with her and she joined up. First meeting was horrendous, all this bollocks about "unlimited pasta" and free foods, making cakes with weetabix, avocado having shot loads of "syns" but a sugar loaded cereal bar being free ... I told my friend that it was a load of shit designed to con people out of money. She wanted to try it. 3 weeks in shed lost a total of 1lb as she'd been living on pasta basically.

I challenged her to follow my diet for 2 weeks (basically based on MFP and Fitbit). 2 weeks later she'd lost 7lbs. She was ecstatic. I told her we should now go back to SW and tell them how she'd lost weight. She was excited about this as it would mean helping the others.

Do last night we went to meeting, the woman cheered and whooped at the massive weight loss and during the meeting she was asked what she'd been eating.

So she recounted things like "cheese omelette for breakfast, mackerel on toast with a packet of crisps for lunch, chicken curry, rice and bahjis for dinner, a chocolate bar on the night" etc etc

Everyone went quiet and someone asked if she'd been counting her syns. My friend said "no ive been counting calories because they actually exist whereas suns don't" (autistic so can be rather blunt). The leader then went on about how sticking to plan will ensure long term weight loss and crash diets don't help. I stepped in and explained that she'd been wearing a Fitbit for two weeks and her calories, although some days high) was always less than what she was burning and scientifically, that is the only true way to lose weight. The other group members started asking questions, the leader tried to move onto someone else but they all were more interested in my friend at this point. After the group the leader asked me if I'd purposely come to the meeting to cause trouble and did I realise I was exploiting my friends learning difficulties by recruiting her to cause trouble. My friend loved every minute of it, for the first time in her life, people were asking HER for advise. Her confidence is sky high. So WIBU to encourage my friend to stir the shit a bit?

Presumably the parents of the girl you are paid to take care of paid for both of you to go to SW? So you've taken someone else's £10 and used their daughter to score points against some random people you've never met? A responsible carer would have told the parents that you were concerned about what their DD was eating on SW and you would be happy to help with her diet without them having to pay. I don't believe this is real though. Why would anyone publicise that the stupid and brainwashed SW consultant had actually been bang on about your behaviour?

She was exploited because OP let it all happen and knew it was coming

Ok I see how this makes sense!

I don't think this happened. I think it's a little fantasy you have and you thought you'd get a round of applause on here. Backfired didn't it!

@crispysausagerolls I’m glad because I got a bit pissed off there.

Basically, if it had been OP who stood up and said all that I’d have thought she was a bit of a gobshite but no harm done.

But using someone vulnerable enough to need a carer to do it is manipulation at best, and dereliction of duty at worst.

It’s the using of the vulnerable adult that winds me up, not SW. Because as an autistic adult with 3 autistic children I have far too much personal experience of people using us for laughs, and assuming we don’t notice or understand.

It hurts, a lot. We’re autistic, not robots. I have a real issue with anyone who manipulates a vulnerable adult, it’s disgusting and immoral.

What I meant was I’m glad you see how it makes sense. I read that back and it reads snippy, it wasn’t supposed to. Sorry crispy.

SoddingUnicorns

You are never snippy - no need to apologise! I always think you give excellent explanations actually! You are right; if she had done it herself it would’ve just been cunty, but this was its cunty AND exploitative. Her poor friend!!!! I suppose she wanted all of the “fun” and drama without any of the responsibility or negatives, and pushed those onto her “friend” instead.

Thank you crispy I really appreciate that!

Absolutely, that’s exactly what I was trying to say. Exploitative is the word I was trying to remember and couldn’t! That’s it wxactlyX

Exactly even, no idea what my phone did there!

I hope you feel big and clever now. Here's a slow clap for ya too.......👏👏

Oh for fucks sake, interesting first and only post on MN OP. You’re a fucking disgrace, whether this is real or not.

We’re not fucking zoo animals for your enjoyment you despicable example of the dregs of humanity.

Slimming world does work for some people, if your friend preferred another way all she needed to do was stop going? There was no need at all for what you did, you probably demoralised people who were doing well and made your friend look daft into the bargain. So yes yabu and have achieved nothing, did you expect the whole sw business to topple because you explained how calorie counting works?

I think you were out of order here OP. Very. I thought it was going to be about 'causing trouble' by asking SS/ the council for more help.

It is one thing to want to show someone an alternative way to eat or acheive their goals, but to manipulate this vulnerable person (not your friend as you are paid to care for her) into showing other people up, while you hid behind her, is despicable and cowardly.

You need to act in her best interests not use her to validate your own ideas. If you really wanted to help her you could have gone about it quietly and patiently without needing to humiliate anyone.

Your behaviour was shameful.

@SlashsSnake team RH member by any chance ?

People with autism aren't your personal truth rockets. You don't get to load them up and point them at the nearest target and then sit back and wait for it all to explode. You were massively unethical and if you were my son's carer, I'd have sacked you for that.

Sadly I think the OP is only too true. I have met plenty of people who would think like this and who are definitely not fit to care for other people (though many are parents )

At least OP had the guts to question their behaviour here on AIBU though they have received a bollocking here too.

You’re an idiot, OP. Calorie deficit is why SW works, because you’re supposed to fill up on veg etc, not massive amounts of pasta. What an absolute twattish thing to do, going back and gloating like an idiot. You’re no friend t9 this woman, you’ve been EMPLOYED as a companion. If I were paying you for this ervice, you’d be dumped immediately.

PS I lost 8 stones on SW because it teaches a lifestyle change as opposed to a fad diet.

Did ye aye?

You are a disgusting person to use this young lady like that

Shame on you

@seafret The OP didn't "have the guts to question her behaviour" - they came on here expecting a pat on the back 🤨

The more I've thought about this; the more annoyed I have become.

Your job is to support your "friend". You say she felt great after she had done this. Did she fully appreciate the impact she had had on people? Was she in a position to correctly read some people's reactions to this sort of truth bomb? Would she realise that this sort of behaviour in some circumstances would garner very negative reactions? What is going to happen if she repeats this experiment in different circumstances and it all goes horribly wrong?

Most people self-censor and try to read the mood of a gathering before presenting ideas that might be seen as a direct challenge to the group or the rules of the group. That is a tricky social skill and it also requires a high level of social ability to deal with the consequences or know when to back down quickly / laugh it off. It is hard for a NT person to get right and so for someone with an ASD who needs a support person it really seems like a bad idea to expose them to the potential risk of it going very wrong.

what is synergy?

Wow. I agree with everything the class leader said to you.

I'd be beyond angry if I were your friend's family.
SW work for some people, calorie counting for others. For some, it's the group environment and motivation that is the thing that makes it work for them.
I'm pleased that you've helped your friend to find a weight loss method that she can work with.
But shame on you for using a vulnerable person for your own smug gratification.

The OP didn't "have the guts to question her behaviour" - they came on here expecting a pat on the back

Exactly right, which is why they’ve had their arse handed to them. And predictably buggered off.

You took a woman with LD back to a group you thought was shite and she hadn’t enjoyed and behaved like a puppet master in order to embarrass the leader of the group - a stranger to you.

Shame on you frankly.

She’s doing well on your diet, there was no need to go back just to use her to shit stir

What sort of person manipulates an autistic person to shit stir a stranger?

You made a girl with additional needs in your care go to a group to tell the group they are shit and their methods don't work? Not OK