To think ‘day off’ means different things for men and women...

[CantankerousCamel]

My day off;

Day (and evening) off work
School run
So bleach toilets
Tidy front garden
Buy furniture for shed repair

Service washing machine
Baby group

Supermarket
School run
Take kids to watering hole

Then this evening after putting kids to bed
Paint the decking white

DH day off -

Yay! Cricket

I imagine this is the same in every household?

His annual leave is almost all spent on DIY or looking after the kids when I can’t (work) or when I’m too ill

I would say it isn’t in our house. We’re both equally likely to be doing the school runs and getting things done around the house. Of course, if there is a reason to go and do something (a pre-planned activity), then that’s what we both would go do. But usually we’re doing what needs doing. But neither of us are lazy arses either.

He looks after the children 'adequately'?

'They (people who 'don't see' things that need doing, although it does appear to be overwhelmingly men) may also simply not be bothered about the dishes, washing, vacuuming or bathrooms being done, they may simply have lower standards or different expectations about a reasonable frequency for these things to be done.'

People do have different standards. But generally people who don't 'see' housework would never ever do it unless they're asked/forced to do it - that's not about having different standards that's about not seeing it as your job at all, such that you never consider doing it unless you're made to by your 'manager' (usually the wife).

spaghetti
Yes, meaning they’re fed/watered/dressed when I get back. Whereas when we are all off/I am off with them we are more likely to ‘do something’

We have MANY conversations about me managing him, about my emotional labour and how much I need him to take responsibility to something Completely.

To be honest it’s not something I’ve had much success with. He lets a LOT of things slip that I would find time for/prioritise.

But I’ve had to accept that, I’ve had to accept that he won’t suddenly change, I can make things routine for him, like making dinner, but he’s better when he is managed.

Both at work and at home.

Just the way we are I suppose

And yes, I do think it’s a depressingly common situation for a lot of wives, I do it’s a a gender thing

Yes OP I know what you mean..
This used to be the same here. Every 18 months I have to kick up a fuss about it, it changes temporarily xx

Now you’re actually making sense op. I agree it is common and it is depressing. It isn’t especially funny really, which is why I take issue with the “oh ho what a laugh these men are” posts.

I think, thankfully, it’s becoming less common. Friends in my age group, (early thirties), seem to have more equal households than what you’re describing. I hope that’s because it’s becoming less common overall and not just my particular set of friends.

I think YABU because I don't experience this difference, and most other pps have said they don't either.

It depends. I work in hospitality so no set shift pattern. Normally my days are spent like yours but then dh does the cleaning if im on a weekend shift. If im off atvtge weekend he relaxes. If i get 2/3 days off together in a row (roll on next week!!) then the first day is spent catching up on tv/seeing friends just chilling out as its good for you.

The reason it's a common thing for a lot of wives is that up to 100 years ago, women literally had no rights as adults - they were on a par with children in the sense that they couldn't get a full education, couldn't be a professional (doctor/lawyer), couldn't get a degree, couldn't vote, couldn't own property, could be beaten and raped in their own homes while the law ignored it, had no rights to their own children, had no reproductive rights etc etc etc. Their main function was something men used to for sex, children and housework. Of course things have changed massively since then, but the very deeply embedded ideas about the roles of women and men are going to take a lot longer to change unfortunately. It's usually only after women have children that they realise that.

This has nothing to do with genetics, brains or anything like that. It's to do with a society that is only just beginning, in historical terms, to value women.

Feminism got you the rights that you have and is continuing to fight to change things so that our daughters won't end up with men who seem that a domestic appliance, who ignore them when they say they want them to do their fair share.

Well said spaghetti. I agree with you and reiterate that it really isn’t funny to me.

YABU, if DH has a day off he fills his day with chores. He works harder on his days off than he does at work.

It's definitely not like this in my household and isn't the case with every other couple I know.

Just the way we are I suppose

No, it's what you've chosen to accept in your marriage.

And actually in your last post you don't sound all that happy about the way things are. You're fully aware that you do more than he does and that he's chosen to just opt out of a large amount of housework and responsibility. You've spoken to him numerous times and he doesn't care enough about your happiness/emotional wellbeing to buck his attitude up and actually be a responsible adult.

Please don't think that everyone else experiences the same thing in their marriage. Plenty of men are perfectly capable of doing their fair share and don't need to be managed by their partners. They just get up and get on with but because that's what adults do.

If it's that you don't like being sedentary on your days off, then that's different - but accept that you find enjoyment in being busy / achieving something / doing the gardening rather than watching telly or whatever and don't allow yourself to feel somehow cheated that others are happy 'doing nothing'.

Not the same in all households. I'm far more likely than dh to treat a day off as a day off and curl up with a book, whereas he keeps seeing things that need doing about the house. It's a mindset thing, but it's the other way round in our household. People are different.

OP, it's your choice to do that on your day off - you don't have to do it.
I have my day off and do whatever I like, jobs can wait until later.

It’s not in my house.

My day off is: shopping, laundry, lawnmowing, ignoring the ironing, grandchild wrangling, trying to purge the print queue in DW's laptop, sterilisation of bins. Pretty much like DW's, except she makes a fish pie as opposed to my spaghetti Bolognese.

My day off is lay in bed til late then either go out for lunch and drinks or lounge about in jarmas watching sports and boxsets.

I don't do anything resembling chores on my days off. DH likes to be busy and that's perfectly fine, we each do things we enjoy but there is no pressure either way.

You are so sexist.

It’s nothing to do with men and women it’s to do with a sense of entitlement

Pretty much really

Well it all went beautifully yesterday until the evening when the baby refused to settle (to be fair she’s about that age now) anyway DH came home early, supported me getting her to sleep and helped sort my head out.

I might do more ‘work’ In one respects but living with a bipolar wife and three children is definitely something to be commended

He’s not a bad sort, he just doesn’t move as quick as me (for better or worse)

bipolar wife

Is there a prize for the most extended drip feed to date? Suddenly, regardless of the title, not entirely a question of men v women, who would have thought it?